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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you do if the father to your children was abusive and violent when he'd had a drink........

68 replies

flubdub · 02/02/2009 15:18

but at all other times, was the best, most perfect, lovable, and lovING partner and father that anyone can be?
When he has had a couple of drinks, he gets nasty and violent, which I think stem from a lot of past problems that he never talks about (like him losing both his parents a few years ago, while he was still only young, and his ex taking his two children away, and not letting him see them for two years, despite judges orders.)
All other times, you cannot fault him, and all my friends/family agree.
The problem is the drink, and this has put me in real danger a few times.
Im not stupid, Im moving out, and will have gone by the end of the week, but only twn mins walk away. However, do we stay a couple? We love each other as much as anybody can, and, like I say, all other times, without drink, he works his arse off at work, and ralleys round doing anything for me and my two sons.
What do I do?

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 02/02/2009 15:23

i would leave him. outright.
if he couldn't stop drinking for the sake of me and the children then he wouldn't be worth having.

Original poster

flubdub · 02/02/2009 15:24

Well he says now he'll stop drinking full stop. He hasnt had a drink ofr a few weeks. But, of course, Iv been promised all this before

OP posts:

CatchaStar · 02/02/2009 15:29

I could never love a man that hit me. Full stop.

He either stops drinking and gets some councilling and you can stay together, or leave him for good.

If he has continued drinking after hitting you and being abusive the first time, what does that tell you?

My arse would have been gone the first time, and it would have been the last. Children or not.

Dropdeadfred · 02/02/2009 15:32

he's sober when he chooses that first drink though isn't he? even though he knows what he will turn into....

thisisyesterday · 02/02/2009 15:32

well quite. i am not sure I could trust him tbh. you'd always be thinking "what if he starts again" or getting suspicious or worrying.

imo not worth it.

is he getting help from anbywhere?

Original poster

flubdub · 02/02/2009 15:34

No, hes not getting help, but he has in the past, but more about him not seeing is children. He can say "No" to a drink, I mean, hes not addicted or anything. I think that each time he has a drink, he thinks it wont happen. Hes only hurt my phsycally once, and that was New Year, last year, so over a year ago now. But still gets aggressive, and quite scary.

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 02/02/2009 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

flubdub · 02/02/2009 15:37

Yes, I am, and probbaly always will be worrying if he will start again. But other thab this, we get on so well, and it feels like a waste of a relationship for us to be so perfect, apart from when theres drink around, but still to finish.

OP posts:

lalalonglegs · 02/02/2009 15:37

How permanent is the place you are moving to? Is there any time limit on it? If I still cared about a man who was violent to me when he was drunk (and that would be a huge if), I would want him to be dry for at least a year before I even considered going back. So I would want to make sure he was attending a group such as AA regularly and having tests to make sure that there wasn't any alcohol in his blood. Those would be my minimum conditions and I would want anyone who had offered me somewhere to stay to know that.

Original poster

flubdub · 02/02/2009 15:38

Can you join AQA, even if your nt addicted, but it just makes you "stupid"?

OP posts:

Mamazon · 02/02/2009 15:38

having been through this i would say that you should leave straight away. if he is capable of violance whilst drunk then sooner or later that same agressionw ill rear its head when he is sober.

I know you love him and want desperatly to hear us tell you that a bit of councelling will sure him, but it just won't.

he has promised you he will stop before, been apologetic before, begged you to stay no doubt.

please, for your own sake as well as that of your children, remove yourself from thsi situation.

Original poster

flubdub · 02/02/2009 15:38

Oh yes, its a permanent place. My own house for me and the kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

flubdub · 02/02/2009 15:40

Thanks mamazon, its good to hear off people that have been through it.
But its seems such a waste

OP posts:

lessonlearned · 02/02/2009 15:49

I think you need more answers from him before you can make your decison.
If he is prepared to get proper help with his drink problem by admitting it, then maybe there is hope.
I notice you seem to be in denial a bit yourself, when you say "he's not an alcoholic"?
OK, he may not wake in the morning needing a drink, but he most certainly has a problem if he is losing control and putting you in danger. This needs to be addressed before you can determine whether your future together can be salvaged. Then of course there is the question if he can maintain any progress once he has addressed things.
It may be a while before you have all the answers you need - unless of course his decision is to do nothing and then you have no choice but to get on with your own life.

Original poster

flubdub · 02/02/2009 15:51

Thanks lessonlearned. Did you name change for this? Can I ask if you have been in my place too?
I am going to mention the AA to him. He seems to want to do anything to change things, so he may be interested in that.

OP posts:

TotalChaos · 02/02/2009 15:54

did ex not let him see his kids due to his alcohol problems? Could be even more of a waste though if you take him back and spend years hoping desperately that he will change.

Original poster

flubdub · 02/02/2009 15:57

No, she wont let him see them because me and her used to be friends, and she didnt like me being with him. Its very complicated tbh

OP posts:

fuckerForMyValentine · 02/02/2009 16:01

if it is a waste, then he has thrown it away, not you

any reasonable man would acknowledge that if he cannot control his temper when drinking, then he doesn't drink

to not want to change that situation means he has a problem, probably an alcoholic in terms of the fact that he is choosing alcohol over his wife and family

I would move out an see by his actions, not words and mealy-mouthed promises how he is going to shape up to save your relationship

it won't take a month, or even twelve

are you committed enough to wait that long?

I don't think I would be

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/02/2009 16:17

flubdub

I would be out of there asap, why wait until the weekend?.

How does he feel about you going?.

He may well actually be a functioning alcoholic; you don't have to drink every day to be an alcoholic. You sound like you are in denial as to the whole reality of this situation. You also enable him and have done so whilst you are there.

He may relapse without any real life support (and even with). As his partner however, you are not best placed either to give such support; you need to detach from him and his issues. AA can help him but he has to realise he has an alcohol problem and also want to receive help for his own self, if he goes to AA he has to do so of his own volition. He can't go because of you and the children.

As it stands you cannot go on like you have done. Your relationship may perhaps be salvageable IF (and that is a BIG IF) he seeks proper and sustained help for his alcohol issues and violence by taking and accepting full responsibility for what he has done. He may not do this so you need to be prepared for the real possibility that he will let you down. It may be that you ultimately separate for good and are no longer a couple.

You need to work on your own self in the meantime, it is perhaps only when you are fully removed from the situation that you will fully see what emotional damage he has caused to you all.

Many women in your situation actually say that the partner is "nice" when they haven't had a drink; problem you have as well is that he can and has become violent towards you when he does drink. That is a separate issue.

Am glad to read you are moving out, your sons as well deserve better.

You may want to contact Al-anon for your own self as they can help family members of problem drinkers.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/02/2009 16:19

His actions or any lack of will be telling, far more than words.

citronella · 02/02/2009 16:23

In the end? I divorced him. He had a very very good side but the drink and the behaviour it brought with it made me not like him much at all. In the end I had to get out.

citronella · 02/02/2009 16:25

And everything else the others have said.

TheProvincialLady · 02/02/2009 16:46

If he cared about you and was the decent man you want him to be, and if he didn't have a serious drink problem, then he would never have drunk again knowing that when he does he becomes abusive. So either

He is alcoholic and has no control OR
He accepts that he is abusive towards you when drunk and chooses to do it anyway

Either way, there is no hope for your relationship at present. If you separated and he got help and was sober for say 2 years and dealt with his aggression then there could be hope....but in that time I bet you would have moved on and found other areas of your relationship that were not good, and may not want him in your life again anyway.

dizietsma · 02/02/2009 18:07

I'd leave.

The kids deserve better.

It's that simple.

fuckerForMyValentine · 02/02/2009 18:23

Actually diz, I don't think anything is "that simple".

Or no woman (or man) would ever forgive abusive behaviour and hope that things will improve because they want it to enough.

It is naive to suggest that it is that simple.

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