What would you do if the father to your children was abusive and violent when he'd had a drink........

[flubdub]

but at all other times, was the best, most perfect, lovable, and lovING partner and father that anyone can be?
When he has had a couple of drinks, he gets nasty and violent, which I think stem from a lot of past problems that he never talks about (like him losing both his parents a few years ago, while he was still only young, and his ex taking his two children away, and not letting him see them for two years, despite judges orders.)
All other times, you cannot fault him, and all my friends/family agree.
The problem is the drink, and this has put me in real danger a few times.
Im not stupid, Im moving out, and will have gone by the end of the week, but only twn mins walk away. However, do we stay a couple? We love each other as much as anybody can, and, like I say, all other times, without drink, he works his arse off at work, and ralleys round doing anything for me and my two sons.
What do I do?

You have done him a massive favour, flubadub. The consequenses of letting things go would have meant you would all face a future of misery and tragedy.
You have given him the wake-up call he needs and I hope that some day he will thank you. Of course, he may still choose the misery and tragedy, but at least you and DCs wont have to share it. I hope he chooses his family over the drink and that you are still there for him when he recovers.

Me too Lessenlearned, I really hope he chooses us. I know he has every intention of doing, but what his intentions are, and what he actually does, are usually two separate things.
Im feeling a bit lost atm. Not quite sure what Im meant to do now.

Haha, ignore my name on the previous post!! I was using it on another thread!! Damn, Iv been outed!!

flub !!

lol, you need to concentrate woman !!

btw, I am waiting for my seeing-to on the other thread !!

Ha ha,lol Flubadub.
I think it's those very questions that are important and only he can give you the answers. Just be very clear about giving him his options because he will desperately try to minimise the situation and pour over the 'contract' looking for the escape clause, I'm afraid!
To let him do this would be to consign him to a misery of his own choosing but it sounds like you ould like to promote a better way of living for him with his family. Good luck.

He used to minimise the situation, ie; he made me feel as though I was over reacting, but he isnt doing that this time. He changed tactics (for want of a better word). I just find myself feeling less for him, as Im so angry that hes done this to our family. The poor kids.

Good post LeQueen.

flubdub

Try this page

You need some professional advice and support. Quite often service users put themselves at greater risk once they have moved away but it sounds to me like he does have a problem so you need to get out and get some advice.... and soon.

What would I do? I would do all I could as a mother to protect my sons.

If you lived with a lovely man who turned into a werewolf every full moon and tried tearing you to pieces, would you stay with him?

If he cared about you and your sons he would be trying to do something about this and accepting ALL the responsibility. And perhaps you could move to a safe place until he's no longer a danger?

But if he's still blaming his current actions on the past and is reluctant to think about his wife and sons' safety, then he's not the lovely person you paint him out to be. A lovely person does not put the people he loves in danger.

You have a duty to protect your sons. You cannot resolve past issues by resorting to drink and violence. We've all got a story to tell, we've all been hurt and betrayed at some point, we all have past issues to deal with, but we don't turn to drink and beat the shit out of those we love. It's a pathetic excuse.

I'm sorry, I think you need to hear all of this. You cannot carry on excusing him. What will your sons think of you later on in life, knowing that you could have done something to protect them but you failed to do so. There are plenty of Mumsnetters on here whose mothers failed to protect them from abuse - and believe me, those mothers are paying for it now. Their children have a lifetime of scars to deal with, that get passed down onto their own children.

You have a choice. It's a choice between your husband or your sons. I know which I'd choose, I just hope you do the same. Or be prepared for a lifetime of regret, recriminations and bitterness. If you survive that is.

I know. I am moving, so its not like Im sat here waiting for it to happen again.
Just looking for guidance I suppose.

I hope we've all reassured you that you're doing the right thing, flubdub.

Good luck, flubdub. The most telling thing in your posts was that it only happens when he 'doesn't get his own way'. SO what he is basically expecting is a lifetime of obedient submission from you, and if you don't obey and grovel, he is going to go out, have a drink and then kick the shit out of you, because he's the Man and you're just his property.
Boo fucking hoo for his crappy past, he doesn't get to take it all out on you.
OK so he might get help, and improve, and you might be able to get back together with him again. But TBH it's more likely that he will go whining to another vulnerable unhappy woman about how let down and misunderstood he's been, and she will put up with the drinking and the escalating violence till she gets the strength to escape,,, and so on.

my ex [artner was the same lovely when sober but a complete dick wen he ad a drink, it got so bad he ended up hitting me whe i was 4 months pregnant and one of my babies died, i live with this on my conscience every day of my life. i stayed with him to give m daughter her father but in the end it doesnt work as you end up trying to change them and w cant help them if they wont help themselves. the final straw fo me was when he came in and ended up punching me and busting my lip , he would not let me go docs and could not eat at all. please leave hi, it does take alot of courage but i am more happy now i have ever been, x

He should be the one who moves, but nevermind that, at least you are moving yourself and your sons out of danger.

Where will you go and when?

hayley - Sorry about your loss. I cant begin to imagine how awful that was for you.

He cant leave, cos the mortgage is in his name, I dont work. Besides all that, its being repossesed.
Im going on Friday, when the house is ready. I was promised it two weeks ago, but the estate agents have been messing around.
Thanks for your help everyone. I know Im doing the right thing.

if he truly wanted help with his drinking the first few times would have made him want to sort it beause he didnt want to lose u and kids