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Original poster

DH contacts sex workers - help

67 replies

peanuts99 · 31/01/2009 23:31

Hi any advice welcome

DH of 11yrs has a 7yr+ history of calling up female sex workers. He makes no effort to cover his tracks for example he leaves newspapers with adverts for sex, with notes he has made cost, address of location etc etc.

I have repeatly asked him to stop doing this!! I know of at least one occasion where he has seen it through and paid for sex.

We have a pretty average sex life -once maybe twice a week, he regularly uses porn and masterbates. He is not abusive in a physical way towards me.

Found more evidence of calling sex workers recently, and I am really thinking about leaving now. I would be really greatful to hear from anyone who has expereinced this

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 31/01/2009 23:34

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kormachameleon · 31/01/2009 23:36

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Original poster
peanuts99 · 31/01/2009 23:39

thanks reality -

I know myself by staying with him, I am going along with it.

I find the whole thing so shaming, that I cannot talk to most people I know.

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 31/01/2009 23:41

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Ronaldinhio · 31/01/2009 23:44

You don't need to be ashamed about this as it isn't something that you have done

I'm sorry that you are going through this though.

The problem is it doesn't sound as though he is likely to change and if it is unacceptable to you then you need to change your circumstances

Why would he be calling sex workers if he wasn't visiting them?
Do you mean chat lines?

Original poster
peanuts99 · 31/01/2009 23:45

Yes we have a really great dd - 4y who has now woken up and wants another story!

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KingCanuteIAm · 31/01/2009 23:46

I have nothing constructive to add but thought I would post with my opinions of the behaviour.

As reality says he is not showing any remorse for his actions, this makes me think that he does not see anything wrong in it. WHat has he said to you about that?

His actions - to my mind - show a lack of respect for you, his wife. Added to that his refusal to stop backs this up, if he respected you and your feelings/needs he would be willing to compromise at the very least.

I do also agree that you have spent several years showing him that, no matter what you say, you are going to stay even if he carries on. What have you tried to say to him to reinforce how strongly you feel?

Personally I would not be with this person, in fact, I would have left a long time ago (certainly after he had followed through). Have you tried Relate to try and get him to see how out of order this is and how it is affecting your relationship?

I am not sure how helpful this is but I would suggest you have a long hard look at why you have stayed and why you have put up with it so far. If those reasons are no longer valid or good enough then you have your answer, if they are or nearly are then you need to find a way of getting through to him. The only idea I have is some kind of couples counselling but I am sure others may have something better to suggest...

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 31/01/2009 23:49

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Original poster
peanuts99 · 31/01/2009 23:49

Ronaldinhio- in local newspapers prostitutes advertise he gives them a call and makes arrangements to go and have sex with them. I dont have to search very hard to find the evidence of him calling them. Recently he has told me he gets a thrill just calling them but I know he has paid for sex on one ocasion.

OP posts:
Original poster
peanuts99 · 31/01/2009 23:55

reality - our accomodation is tied to his job, so i would have to leave, and the economics of the situation has made me stay so long, but that is no longer too much of a problem

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KingCanuteIAm · 31/01/2009 23:58

Peanuts, how do you see your life in 5 years..

A) If you stay

B) If you don't

Answer honestly, what will change, what will not change, how will you feel as a person...

blinks · 31/01/2009 23:58

i agree with the 'kick the fucker out' sentiments...

good grief, we're not in the dark ages when women had to put up with seven shades of shit because we had no other option... stop feeling shame on his behalf and get rid of the pig.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 01/02/2009 00:00

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Original poster
peanuts99 · 01/02/2009 00:03

and when confronted he is really ashamed, i get angry, and then his solution is that we split up. He knows that i dont want us to split up so he is onto a winner really he just gets forgiven. we seperated for 3 months, and i thought the problem had gone away, but it happened again and again

i want him to stop doing it, but i think i have got the idea he is not going to

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 01/02/2009 00:06

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Original poster
peanuts99 · 01/02/2009 00:08

thanks blinks
i need help establishing where the line to be should drawn between trying to make a marriage work, and putting up with shit.

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KingCanuteIAm · 01/02/2009 00:09

The thing is, part of shame (real shame) is attempting to cover up your shameful actions. If he was really ashamed he would do it at work, throw the papers away, have a seperate mobile... or something. He would not leave the papers around.

I suspect the shame is a show to get you to feel sorry for him. It is easy to forgivve someone you feel pity for.

dittany · 01/02/2009 00:10

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Original poster
peanuts99 · 01/02/2009 00:13

king - you are right, I do pity him, and in general, I to understand the reasons behind most peoples bad behaviour

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dittany · 01/02/2009 00:20

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 01/02/2009 00:23

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sayithowitis · 01/02/2009 00:26

ditto to Dittany

Original poster
peanuts99 · 01/02/2009 00:27

king - my life in 5 years will be the same if i stay, i know this, but i have been convincing myself that 'its better the devil you know'

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 01/02/2009 00:30

Ok, so you pity him. Is that enough for this relationship to work? IME pity will eventually become resentment (and it sounds like you are already on that road). Like I have said you have to ask yourself how long you can put up with the behaviour without cracking in some way. If, in 5 years time, you are going to be bitter, angry and unhappy, then you are not looking out for yourself and your daughter in the way that you should be.

I am focusing on the behaviour continuing because I do not, realistically, see any way that it will stop. You have said that you have already left but that changed nothing.

KingCanuteIAm · 01/02/2009 00:30

sorry x post.