DH contacts sex workers - help

[peanuts99]

Hi any advice welcome

DH of 11yrs has a 7yr+ history of calling up female sex workers. He makes no effort to cover his tracks for example he leaves newspapers with adverts for sex, with notes he has made cost, address of location etc etc.

I have repeatly asked him to stop doing this!! I know of at least one occasion where he has seen it through and paid for sex.

We have a pretty average sex life -once maybe twice a week, he regularly uses porn and masterbates. He is not abusive in a physical way towards me.

Found more evidence of calling sex workers recently, and I am really thinking about leaving now. I would be really greatful to hear from anyone who has expereinced this

Peanuts, you have clearly thought through the practicalities of this and your dd is unlikely to suffer if your H is away for these kind of time periods. It is great that you are feeling strong enough to be practical and it indicates, to me, that you had already made your decision but were looking to us for affirmation of that - which is fine.

As has been said, use the time he is away to make your plans and make sure you are set up as best you can be. If you have a good job and (will have) no nursery fees could you use the money from selling your half of the rental as a deposit on a new place? Doing that would mean you would be paying mortgage on half a house rather than rental on a full property IYSWIM. It would also mean that your capital would not be affecting any tax credit claim you make.

what has put me off talking to another female friend about this is that i think they will be disgusted by him and appaled that i have been willing to stay for such a long time.

my father inlaw knows, he was a young dad and is pretty approachable. He listens to me, and has told me that i have grounds for divorce, but has never encouraged me to take steps to leave. He has been honest enough to say that he sees the ads in the papers adn it makes him curious but he has never gone as far as to call the women up.

king - you are right i need affirmation, and thats my motivation in posting, i have made myself a bit isolated over this problem, but other that Jeffery Archers wife - i don't know anyone that this has happened to. Because of the nature of dh's work, we live in a bit of a goldfish bowl -dominated by a very male culture most being married to on the whole subversive women

The thing is, I would be very surprised if your female friends would react the way you think. I am sure that they will be shocked at his behaviour, they may also be surprised that you put up with it so long - but I doubt very much that they will judge you for it. This kind of behaviour is domestice abuse and it is well known that any domestic abuse makes it difficult for the victim to act, react or leave.

Bieng surrounded by submissive women doe s not help you and I would suggest you look to expand this circle of frinds as part of your excape plan!

I think it IS possible that RL friends might react (initially) in horror, and be apalled at him, and be very very uncredulous that you have stayed with him - and that you won't really find this reaction very helpful. They won't mean to do anything but be supportive, but I can see that it would make you feel less than great!

That's why I think it might help to talk to a counsellor, and get some objective support before you tell friends. You can get free sessions through your GP, I think, and Relate will see people on their own,although I know they will not counsel couples to stay together if they believe the relationship is abusive.

You have done nothing wrong AT ALL. You have tried to get him to change, you have given him chances, you have put up with things to try and keep your marriage going for your dd. But now, if you stay longer, your dd will ghrow up with a father who thinks this is how women should be treated

Hopefully MN will be a good source of advice, help and support.

Good luck in leaving, glad to see you have made some practical plans already. This man is not going to change because he sees no reason why he should, so don't waste any more time or energy on worrying about his behaviour, concentrate on a happy future for you and DD.

Good kuck in leaving!
You have not isolated yourself - that is the first weapon of an abuser, which he most certainly is! He is lording it over your dismay and it is clear he has nothing but contempt for women - especially you.
If you have not been using protection, then also think about visiting your local GUM clinic too.
His dad sounds like he is sympathetic to you, but at the end of the day his loyalty is with his son which gives him one hell of a dilemma.

please don't sleep with him again, start cutting those emotional ties now

unfortunately us woemn can't help seeing sex as a way to be close to someone we love (unlike your dh), so it will not help you at all to continue

lesson - thank you for being frank, it pains me to think about dh in these terms although what you say is true. As solidgold suggests my concentration now must be on the future.

You are worth so, so much more than to have to waste one precious second on someone who does this to you.
Good luck in all you do without him.

peanut, I had to reply to this thread, I do not understand what this situation must be like for you but I can relate slightly my x was very sexually manipulative and had a porn obsession, eventually being intimate with him was something I dreaded as it became such a chore and so fake as i was being intimate with a man who degraded me, lied to me and treated me like shit for years. Bizarrely when our marriage ended I was devastated we had been together for 10yrs and although I knew things were not right and was mortified that my marriage had failed. But I can honestly say 12months on things are much better!! my confidence is much higher and I smile everyday! my h dragged me down for a long time, I hope you find the strength to make a better life that you deserve, your dd will be much brighter with a happy mum, whatever you decide to do please gain the confidence to know that you deserve better than this shit! x

thanks jazz pants
i have had a bit of a bad day. DH is away, and despite everything I am really missing him.
I emailed a local domestic violence support group, to try and get some counselling but they will not help me because there is no direct violence.

I have other options, GP & my work place offers it - but I had wanted to try to find the most experienced place.

There are links on the web for groups supporting women sex workers, (i understand they are really in need of help) and women who are forced into sex (who again really need help) Mums net has been the only place I have found where anyone has helped, so it was so good to read your post

does he have some kind of kink or fetish that he feels he cannot ask you to assist him with so he goes to a "professional"?

I have asked him this and he tells me this is not the case.

He has never asked me to sexually do anything I am uncomfortable with, but clearly I am unable to satisfy him as he requires the professionals service & has a constant need for porn.
when he as masterbates he will clean himself up with any nearby piece of clothing (mainly his sock) He will then leave these on the floor, they would stay there for days if i did not pick them up with all the other laundry.

so maybe I don't miss him as much as I thought.

Even if he was visiting them because what he got at home did not meet his needs, it would not make me feel any better.

What a minger!!!!
PN99, I am outraged for you that the DV groups you approached refused any help for DA - which you clearly have suffered. I can only imagine they are inundated with DV and this is maybe their funding remit.
Oh for more enlightened days!
I hope your other sources are more productive. Oh and theres always MN too.

Peanut, have you tried phoning the samaritans? they may be able to offer some dvice regarding where you can go for help, or is there a sure start centre close to you? usually where there is a mother and child group there are often advice groups. I also think it is wrongDV has not offered you any advice or help, this is mental abuse which in my view is just as bad!

I hope that you are feeling ok x