Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH contacts sex workers - help

67 replies

peanuts99 · 31/01/2009 23:31

Hi any advice welcome

DH of 11yrs has a 7yr+ history of calling up female sex workers. He makes no effort to cover his tracks for example he leaves newspapers with adverts for sex, with notes he has made cost, address of location etc etc.

I have repeatly asked him to stop doing this!! I know of at least one occasion where he has seen it through and paid for sex.

We have a pretty average sex life -once maybe twice a week, he regularly uses porn and masterbates. He is not abusive in a physical way towards me.

Found more evidence of calling sex workers recently, and I am really thinking about leaving now. I would be really greatful to hear from anyone who has expereinced this

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 01/02/2009 00:34

Better the devil you know is the line that housewives have been trotting out to themselves for years (often fed to them by their mothers ). It is another way to control women who had little enough choice in the first place.

You have choices, you can move on. You may or may not find someone else, you may or may not be happy with them - who can tell. The important thing is that "better the devil you know" is fine for your choice of coffee or your window cleaner but not for your husband or for your life - not when this is the price you have to pay.

ChippingIn · 01/02/2009 01:44

Ditto to Dittany and King.

It is not 'better the devil you know' when the devil treats you like something he stepped in!!

I need help establishing where the line to be should drawn between trying to make a marriage work, and putting up with shit

Have we helped you to sort out that you are well past the point where you should 'work it out'??

He is a disgrace.

peanuts99 · 01/02/2009 08:39

hi thanks to all those who posted so late last night, I feel so much better that I have shared all of this. Anyone who is around this am - please join in!

OP posts:
OneLieIn · 01/02/2009 08:58

Peanuts, do you have children? If so, what is your dh's relationship with them like?

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 01/02/2009 09:04

If I may be blunt, it sounds like he doesn't care.

If when you find this stuff (that he doesn't try very hard to hide) his suggestion is that you split up, I'm sorry but that suggests to me that this is what he wants, he just wants you to be the one to do it, so it came from you, you split from him, he didn't leave you - iyswim.

peanuts99 · 01/02/2009 09:40

hi oneliein - one dd 4 she loves her daddy but has grown up with him working away so its not new for us (dd & i) to be on our own for long periods.

OP posts:
peanuts99 · 01/02/2009 09:44

Hi hecate you are more than likely right this would fit in with most other decision making behaviour in his life

OP posts:
peanuts99 · 01/02/2009 10:17

all helping thanks

OP posts:
warthog · 01/02/2009 10:20

'better the devil you know'. well i reckon you're better off without this devil, because you can't trust him. or at least you can trust that he'll break his marriage vows.

i think you deserve more.

WEESLEEKITLauriefairycake · 01/02/2009 10:29

He wants to fuck other women and he is/has.

If you want a monogamous relationship then he may not be the best candidate.

Does he have any opinions on whether you have sex with someone else? (I bet he fucking does)

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 01/02/2009 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

peanuts99 · 01/02/2009 10:33

hi warthog(air craft or animal?)
i use to worry that if i left i would end up with someone who i would allow to treat me the same or worse.

i have now come to the point where i dont fear being alone, and if i was not in a relationship it would not worry me

OP posts:
peanuts99 · 01/02/2009 10:37

morning reality,

i need to bribe dd out of my bed for better sleep!

He is away at the moment, for at least three months, probably more, so it is pointless me leaving at the moment, he has to pay the small amount of rent anyway.
I have a good job, once dd is at school in sept and i am free of nursery fees, i can afford private rented accomodation

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 01/02/2009 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 01/02/2009 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

peanuts99 · 01/02/2009 10:54

i dont think i can get much in the way of benefits, we own a house together its rented out. I dont want to go and live there, & i've never have lived there) it was always bought as in investment, its far away for where we are at the moment, where myself and dd are very settled. I would not be able to earn there what i do here.

as the house pays its way, and i don't want to live in it, i am thinking i will get dh to buy me out of it, he will stay in tied accomodation with his job for the next 4 +years. the amount from this would probably help me get keyworker accomodation near here (could not afford to buy on my own)

i think he would help out financially to some degree, but i as this can never be guarenteed, i need a plan of my own for the interim and private rented.

OP posts:
OneLieIn · 01/02/2009 11:07

If you are seriously thinking of leaving and think there is a probability that this will end up in divorce, I would start planning now.

I would collect evidence of these sex lines / keep phone bills etc so you can prove this if needed at a later date.

Can I ask whether he has always worked away for such long periods of time?

peanuts99 · 01/02/2009 11:34

onelie - yes he has always spent long periods away with his job, so i have tried to be realistic that it was going to be very likely that he would be unfaithful at some point, but the phone calls go on when he as at home with us, and having sex with me

OP posts:
Grammaticus · 01/02/2009 11:41

Chils maintenance can be guaranteed and taken from his wagse at source if necessary - have a look on the CSA website (or whatever it is called now - sure it will come up if you google Child Support Agency)

peanuts99 · 01/02/2009 11:48

thanks grammatics, the practical & financial elements have not really been whats holding me back from leaving. It is coming to terms with the fact that the person I love, and wanted to stay married to for the rest of my life will continue to hurt me despite whatever i say or do

OP posts:
OneTrickMummy · 01/02/2009 11:49

Peanuts - It is no surprise that this is seriously affecting your self-esteem. That you feel 'the better the devil you know' - there can be life without a devil at all, you know! Also, trying to be 'realistic' that he would be unfaithful - actually, although no-ne could say infidelity was exactly rare, MOST men are not!

But you are with a man who treats women like objects to be bought. The obvious implication of this is that he gets you for free. He does not see sex with women as part of a loving mutually respectful relationship, but as a transaction, at his beck and call. So, by extending his feelings about women to you, he is treating you like an unpaid prostitute.

The longer this goes on the more you will feel that you don't deserve better.And you DO deserve better - every woman does. You have not CHOSEN to be treated like this (unlike maybe some of the women he buys). Also, personally I would be filled with disgust at a man who can buy sex with women some of whom may habe been trafficked, be forced by a pimp, etc. This is not a case of the old 'tart with a heart being kind to a lonely man with needs'!

However, your self esteem has aleady taken a bashing. Can you get counselling, or find an assertiveness training course? I think what he is doing to you is emotional abuse, and if you call Women's Aid (it isn't just for women who get bashed, you know!) they may be able to direct you to courses, groups or counselling that will helpyou build up your strength.

Otherwise, if you feel up to it, and have enough RL support, go to the CAB and discuss all the aspects of leaving him or throwing him out.

Good luck - you sound lovely, and you are young. Don't write off your life now to this man.

peanuts99 · 01/02/2009 11:51

and that i dont have the time or inclination to just shag around myself in an attempt to readress the 'balance'

OP posts:
peanuts99 · 01/02/2009 11:58

thanks one trick - i have considered womens aid but i feel such a fraud as i am not being beaten, & also possibly too stoical for my own good.

as for writing off my own life i have tried for 11 years which is now long enough, it very nice to be told i am young though! and there maybe hope yet

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 01/02/2009 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 01/02/2009 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Swipe left for the next trending thread