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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am having an affair

25 replies

doingthewrongthing · 05/04/2005 15:12

...and I know its terribly wrong. But I am incredibly unhappy in my marriage. My husband is like a cross between an old man and a teenager and he seems to get a kick out of putting me down and criticising me.

Am a regular poster and have changed my name for obvious reasons. I have young children, one has special needs. Sometimes I think my life is so shit, just cleaning, looking after the kids, washing, blahhhh, blahhhh, blahhhh...

husband gives me little help, and always criticises me. Maybe it makes him feel better or something. He is becoming a control freak and has cut up all my cards, so I have to ask him for pocket money.

Anyway I met someone recently on a course. Very, very attractive. WE have been having an affair for 2 months. I am not in love with him but he is very sweet and kind and the sex is amazing. But he has told me he really likes me but has admitted he doesnt really like kids. I'm not wanting a husband-replacer but obviously liking kids would be preferable!

Husband has alos told me that if I find someone else after we split up (both know its inevitable) then he will no longer see the kids. He says he doesnt want to confuse them. I think its a threat.

Don't really know what I am trying to say, but some feedback on the situation would be good. Thanks.

OP posts:

fastasleep · 05/04/2005 15:15

I don't have much experience, but it really does sound like your husband is dominating you to a scary extent...and you obviosly both know that it's over between you... just don't beat yourself up about the affair, you're allowed to have fun! Have you thought about seperating? Or are you thinking of the kids?

dyzzidi · 05/04/2005 15:16

What do you want to happen with your DH. If its that bad can you not see a way out. I would not thik of your Lover while you make that decision as if he doesn't want kids that may not last.

Try living your life for you and deciding what it is you want.

fastasleep · 05/04/2005 15:17

Ooops sorry read the second to last paragraph totally wrongly, now I see why you're sitting here asking for feedback - that does sound like a petty threat to me

misdee · 05/04/2005 15:17

i think you need to stop teh affair (or put it on hold), sort out what you want to do about your dh (give it one last shot or seperate), and get your life sorted a bit. too many people will get hurt otherwise.

Fio2 · 05/04/2005 15:17

why didnt you just say?

look, it isnt all bad you know

lalaa · 05/04/2005 15:19

I think you've taken control of your life and are finding a bit of happiness where you can. Your husband sounds very difficult to live with, very controlling. It does sound like a threat, the not seeing the children if you split up. And bound to hit wear it hurts - well, it would for me anyway.

I'm just wondering what is keeping you together now if you both think you will split up eventually. Would it be better to confront the situation now so that you can both be happier sooner?

NomDePlume · 05/04/2005 15:19

I don't know what feedback you want with this one ! I'm sure that you'll get shot down in flames for this thread by someone....

TBH, I don't think having an affair is ever the right way to go but I can see how easily it can happen when you are in an unhappy relationship.

This affair isn't going to solve anything between you and DH/DP. It has no future as this guy has no interest in children, therefore it will die a death. You need to decide whether you want to improve your relationship with DH/DP or finish it and find someone who can treat you well from the outset. If you want to try for a reconcilliation with your husband then you will need to finish this bit on the side - it will not help you resolve anything. If you don't want to be with H anymore them you need to find the kindest way to end your marriage, kindest for all involved.

mummytosteven · 05/04/2005 15:19

i would say try and go to Relate - even if your husband doesn't want to go, then if you go to Relate by yourself you can think things through, and it will help you with how to deal with splitting up. oh and also go to CAB/solicitors who do free initial interview to see what your position would be in you separated/divorced.

like dyzzidi says, it's impossible to tell whether your lover is in it for the long-haul or not, but his comments about not liking kids aren't really very promising, are they, so you'll have to leave your lover out of the equation for the while.

Fio2 · 05/04/2005 15:22

I have to say having a child with SN (in our case) has out ALOT of stran on our marriage, i dont knoiw how true that is for other people. But I have felt it, the pressure is enormous. I feel like ripping the shit out of him regular, for no real reason. i love him but I have so much anger inside me sometimes he is the closest person to take it out on. maybe this is what your h does with you|?

NomDePlume · 05/04/2005 15:23

Perhaps your way of dealing with your marital difficulties is having an affair and your H's is by lashing out ?

Toothache · 05/04/2005 15:26

Doingthewrongthing - I can really understand what you're doing. I'm not having an affair, but I nearly did after ds was born. DH and I were not getting along and I was miserable. A guy at work caught my eye and we started talking.... then it was flirty emails... then lunch.... blah blah blah. You know the score. He totally floated my boat and made me feel special.
But it was all false and it was just a way for me to hide from ym problems with DH. As long as I was getting the attention and affection from someone I didn't care so much how bad it was with DH. He even commented on how nice it was to see me happy!!!!!!!! FFS!

However, DH found out and that's when I realised I was being stupid and nipped it in the bud. Still nearly destroyed the relationship, but I wanted it to work out.

In your case I think that you want out of the marriage and are perhaps looking for a knight in shining armour to rescue you. And perhaps someone to just take your mind off the misery at home. The simplist answer is to leave your DH. I think you're right that he's bluffing about not seeing the kids. Of course he would.

Does he know how unhappy you are? Would he care if you told him?? And do you want to save your marriage?

This guy is not a longterm thing. Its perhaps what you need to make a decision to leave and there being no going back afterwards.

So sorry you are going through this. I know how tempting it can be and I know that rush of lust can be so powerful. I hope you get some good advice.

anorak · 05/04/2005 15:28

It's always best to finish one relationship before you start another, as things get very complicated and confusing and you end up without clear enough ideas about what you want and what is right for you. Even if you know your dh and you will split it's better for you if it's all simple and clean.

However you are now in this situation. It isn't good to be hasty about your decision to split but I would say if, and only if you are sure the split is inevitable then get it over quickly. His threats are quite commonplace and I wouldn't take them as gospel, my guess is that he suspects something is up and he is desperate to try and keep control of the situation.

Suppose he carried out his threat? He would be the worst off. Your kids would very likely latch onto any new partner you had (whether your secret love of now or not) and receive their fathering from him. They would adjust, but he would miss out. I feel it unlikely he would carry out the threat but that he is trying to control you with it at this moment.

As for the guy you are seeing, you had best be prepared for all different outcomes. It seems he is more of a catalyst in this situation than a player. You might find once you are free he will back off. Or he may surprise you and fall in love with your kids. Whatever, that shouldn't be a factor that's decisive for you at the moment. Your decision should be based solely on you, dh and the kids, and that's why it's confusing to have the secret guy in the picture.

I hope you get it all resolved soon. This kind of scenario will wear you out in no time if you let it drag on.

Original poster

doingthewrongthing · 05/04/2005 15:28

Thanks for your replys. I suppose I am frightened of being on my own which is why H is still here. Also its really important that he gets a project finished for his future careers and I feel that splitting up now may have a detrimental effect on this. I don't want to mess his future up.

Fio - you are right. having a special needs child puts a huge strain on your relationship and we have been to hell and back. I think his behaviour has alot to do with this, but its still not acceptable.

We got together as teenagers and I think I'm just frightened of him not being around anymore. But I am going to insist on a separation when his project is finished.

OP posts:

Fio2 · 05/04/2005 15:33

yes I think anorak is very right. An affair is an affair it really isnt (usually) a long term commitment. Your dh is scared thats why he is threatening things. i am sure he adores your children together and would never abandon them. They are his flesh and blood not a possesion between yu, he knows that really.

Fio2 · 05/04/2005 15:34

and sometimes even the most damaged by affairs of our parents and partners, do still go on to forgive affairs. it doesnt always mean the end

Fio2 · 05/04/2005 15:38

and sorry about the my first post, for some reason i thought it was my dh things must be worse than i thought, or as bad i think iykwim

Original poster

doingthewrongthing · 05/04/2005 19:41

Thanks for your advice. Toothache - thank you for understanding, and well done to you for resisting the temptation - its very hard.

Anaorak - that is some very good advice, thank you. I think I just need to bloody grow up and stop being so stupid.

OP posts:

Blu · 05/04/2005 19:50

Fio?

DTWT - I can completely understand why you are having this affair. But I think you need to be v careful. If I was in a relationship like yours, i would be desparate for the boost of someone fancying me, a bit of a rush to my self-esteem. But you already know it is going to end in tears (if you can't keep him at arms length enough to let it end with a friendly shrug) because he doesn't like kids - not a good start for someone with your brood! So I think you need to be careful that you don't end up feeling the victim of 2 unsatisfactory relationships.

I wonder if there are things you could do to re-gain your self-esteem? Couselling or some other support from your own friends? Throw yourself into an old hobby or sport that you can show off in and feel proud of yourself? By being so controlling he has taken away the very resolve which would enable you to break free and feel strong and confident about being alone. My heart is in my mouth for you because I worry that the affair might backfire and make you vulnerable, too.

Jimjams · 05/04/2005 19:59

The affair seems neither here nor there to be honest. Is the split really inevitable? Having a child with SN puts a HUGE strain on a relationship- do you allow each other enough leeway with that? Knowing that your relationship is stable (even if it's full of petty stupid arguments and you take out stuff on each other) can provide stability and give strength when everything else around you is shit. probably a stupid questioon if you have a child with SN, but any chance of spending some time together without kids? Rekindle and have time to talk etc.

I think cutting up your cards and giving you pocket money is very out of order. Have you spoken to your husband about that?

Toothache · 07/04/2005 09:17

Doingthewrongthing - Please don't think I was strong for stopping things before they went too far..... If DH hadn't have found out and went MENTAL then who knows what would've happened.

How's things?

rickman · 11/04/2005 21:31

Message withdrawn

Original poster

doingthewrongthing · 13/04/2005 15:41

Hi everyone. I ended the affair last night. Thank you all for your advice - you really made me see sense.

I am still desperately unhappy with dh but I really don't need additional complications in my life right now.

Thank you all again for your help

OP posts:

Bugsy2 · 13/04/2005 15:51

I hope it all works out for you. Big hugs.

wild · 13/04/2005 15:53

Good for you (Admiration emoticon)
Hope things work out well for you

expatinscotland · 13/04/2005 15:53

You did the right thing. A failing relationship I was in ended in an affair (mine) and it was a disaster. You'll be able to think more clearly w/o this additional influence in your life.

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