I feel my bizarre family/exh situation is starting to get to my DP a little & I don't know what I can do.

[Pinkchampagne]

I know it is odd, but have got to a "leave them to it" stage in my brain. I am so used to their odd relationship with exh, that I push it aside, so long as they are not bothering me.

My parents have only met my DP of nearly 18 months twice, but this is a major improvement to how things were, when just months back, my dad refused to accept my DP's exisetence.
I felt things were slowly getting better, but then Christmas exh stayed with my family Christmas Eve, Christmas day & then went to my sister's with my parents & the boys on Boxing day (I went round DP's sister's then)
I separated from exh way over 2 years back, but my family can't seem to break away from him. My DP is really starting to feel the strain of feeling like he is less important in my family's eyes etc, and it is doing me in because I feel so out of control.

I lost it big time over Christmas, as some of you will know, and have tried & tried to talk to my family, but feel I am only getting so far. I can't physically stop them having this intense relationship with my ex, I can just do my best to keep my distance where possible & do my own thing. It upsets me so much when I see DP affected by this madness though.

What would others do? Is there anything more I can do? I can't have them affecting my relationship.

Your poor dp! Is there any way you could speak to your exh? See if he will back off a bit?

What a nightmare. What is your families justification for continuing to see your ex?

Do you have children with your ex?

hi again PC!
don't think i ever asked but are you and exh properly divorced now?

I have tried to talk to him & he makes out he understands, but he doesn't back off from my family.
He is more involved with my family than I am even! He had the boys today & spent the day with my family, and when he dropped them off, he said to DS2 "Nanny & me will watch you swimming tomorrow" (it is his swimming lesson)
It is odd, and believe me I have tried & tried to talk to them, but feel I take 2 steps forward & 4 back.

I have 2 boys with my ex & he is very good with seeing them as often as possible etc (often going round my parent's when he does though!) & seems fine about my new relationship. My parents, sister & BIL seem to think he is about to kill himself though!

I am in the middle of the divorce process now. Exh even tried to talk me into keeping that from my parents, but I haven't!

DP doesn't want to feel responsible for me falling out with my family (which of course he isn't!), but I would do anything for him. I just feel so out of control here.

I think if I was in this situation and had made my feelings clear to my family and ex and they were completely ignoring my feelings then I would have to distance myself from them whilst the relationship was continuing in such an intense form.

Does your ex have family nearby?

You need to put yourself and your immediate family first and it might just be that until your ex gets into a new relationship that he will hang on to your family.

Then I guess its up to you to choose whether you want to spend time developing a relationship with people who chose someone else over their daughter/sister.

Are there any other family members who you could talk to who may have some influence?

Oh blimey PC, tis neverending. I think that any reasonable person would baulk at this weird closeness between your ex-h and your family. I am amazed that your family are being so insensitive to your feelings, irrespective of your dp's feelings.

Advice...? Hmm.

I'm afraid that my knee-jerk reaction was that you should distance yourself from the situation, but in effect that would involve you distancing yourself from your own family and broadly gifting them to your ex. Which would be very hurtful.

Does your exh have family of his own?

My exh has a mum, but she is much older & very much does her own thing. His brother lives in Canada & his own father took his own life when exh was 14, so I can see why he is clinging onto the family thing, and why my family perhaps over worry about him, but it is still a bloody hard situation to be in.

PC i dont know maybe and i know this is bizarre they think you'll change your mind!!
i think my parents viewed it to a certain extent as some kind of hissy fit i was having.
as you probably remember from Xmas we both had to deal with our golden boys of exs at well meaning in-laws!
i am stumped for a solution especially as you have obviously truly moved on
and tried all routes of reason
but you have my sympathy

I don't know, I guess it's a possibility, but I was hoping that after nearly 18 months with my new DP & seeing how happy he makes me, they would have realised I have truly moved on.
DP means the world to me & I can't bear my family madness affecting him.

I have told mum it is affecting DP, I have told her she must stop seeing exh as a victim, I have tried & tried to talk to them, I have yelled & lost the plot even. I feel at a total loss.

God i really wish i could help
do they know the real reasons why your marriage ended?
i say that because i didnt go into the great depth with my parents
i'd gone beyond wishing to discuss it

I have tried to tell them it all, the whole horrible lot, but they don't take it in. Mum says it would be easier to understand if he had hit me or had an affair.

sounds exactly like mine
do you think that your exh gets off on it?

I can't help but wonder. He seems very understanding of my new relationship, has the boys often, and makes out he understands my family are a bit out of order, yet he jumps round there at every opportunity. I guess it's something he still has the upper hand over.

I guess there is no solution really, other than to keep my distance.

my exh really enjoys the fact that he is still welcomed there
i don't say anything to him as i obviously don't want him to know how irritated i am
my exh also has no family living close by
it's a hard situation to be in
am really hoping that a MN-er is about to post with some useful advice

What a nightmare. I don't think anything you can do will change the situation - all you can do is keep reassuring your DP how important he is to you, put a bit more distance between you and your parents and ride it out.

It does sound like a bit of a control thing from your ex, but it could just be that he's lonely and genuinely enjoys their company. I guess as more time passes he will find new company, make new friends etc, and spend less time with your parents. And that will be the point at which they start to accept your DP - bloody hard for him in the meantime, though.

It is so hard isn't it, and so frustrating. I used to think I was pretty tough emotionally, but have been intears so many times over this, especially when I see it getting to my DP.

Have you got into a new relationship since your split, seriouslyblonde? Do tell me to mind my own business if you like!!

no advice but my dp and i have been together over 7 years, his family still see his ex, they visit her (in the old family home), she visits them (which i don't like as photos are on their walls of our dd, they invite her round boxing day with other family members, we don't go and therefore we are excluded in exchange for her and dp's parents often call me her name and then say oh sorry it's cos we saw her today or cos we just came from her house. they also have great delight in saying do you like my new top, dp's ex bought it me etc.
I find it very upsetting/annoying but there is nothing dp or i can do, they choose to stay in touch. There are no children involved so there is no reason. but when they call me her name i can't bring myself to speak to them.
i don't think they understand how disloyal they are to keep contact for so long and i think ex loves it as she keeps up with the gossip, knew when i was pregnant and sends huge mothers day cards and special xmas cards etc.
i don't blame dp, i think they are just a sad bunch of tossers and forget them.

What a nightmare for you, ILTC!

sorry pink champagne, didn't just type that for my own benefit although the moan felt great!
just wanted to say i know what your dp is going through and although not nice he won't blame you and i would never expect dp to see less of his family. i don't understand them but they aren't my family so live and let live eh!

see you're not alone lots of us in same crappy boat!
and yes i was seeing a man but broke up recently
not that they would have accepted him lol!

Your dp's ex sends you mother's day cards, iltc? That is truly fucked up.