I feel my bizarre family/exh situation is starting to get to my DP a little & I don't know what I can do.

[Pinkchampagne]

I know it is odd, but have got to a "leave them to it" stage in my brain. I am so used to their odd relationship with exh, that I push it aside, so long as they are not bothering me.

My parents have only met my DP of nearly 18 months twice, but this is a major improvement to how things were, when just months back, my dad refused to accept my DP's exisetence.
I felt things were slowly getting better, but then Christmas exh stayed with my family Christmas Eve, Christmas day & then went to my sister's with my parents & the boys on Boxing day (I went round DP's sister's then)
I separated from exh way over 2 years back, but my family can't seem to break away from him. My DP is really starting to feel the strain of feeling like he is less important in my family's eyes etc, and it is doing me in because I feel so out of control.

I lost it big time over Christmas, as some of you will know, and have tried & tried to talk to my family, but feel I am only getting so far. I can't physically stop them having this intense relationship with my ex, I can just do my best to keep my distance where possible & do my own thing. It upsets me so much when I see DP affected by this madness though.

What would others do? Is there anything more I can do? I can't have them affecting my relationship.

Do you think they are hoping you get back together? Inviting you to things the same time he's going to be there?

I wish you luck PC...just hate to think of your lovely new man being upset by your family being weird over EX...

I bet your ex wouldn't want to spend alf the amount of time there either if he thought you and your new DP would be there...i mean..what about when he has a new girlfriend..will he be invited too???
if they won't accept that then just suggest that all special ocasions such as birthdays or christmas that they com to you (without your ex!!!)

When my xh and I split up my parents thought I should have stayed - even though they knew that we were desperately unhappy. My parents had seen him as another son, and they wanted to be impartial and to maintain their good relationship with him. Unfortunately they saw him as being less capable than me, and so they went round to his house to help him in the garden and help him when my dc were staying with him - no help for me in the garden!

They also harbored a secret hope that we would get back together one day and live again as a happy family...

So when 3 years later I met my dp, my parents found it very difficult - the concept didn't fit with their values and morals. Initially they didn't want to meet dp, and it was about a year before he was invited to their house. This was very hurtful for dp, and difficult for me to mediate between them. Over the years, things have gradually changed and dp and I now have a very good relationship with my parents, and dp has forgiven them for the hurt they caused him.

My parents still see xh, although not as much. He has a new partner too, and they know about her but haven't met her.

It is not that strange to have such complicated family arrangements as you do PC - but they can get better, eventually.

PC - knew this would be you. I missed the Christmas kerfuffle, must have been in the kitchen Nigella stylee serving up a delicious feast cooked from scratch - SNORT.

Firstly, it is bang out of order for your family to invite you, ex-H and NOT DP to a Christmas do, or any other kind. And DDF is quite right; an invitation to you extends to your DP, of course it does. If they wish to invite ex-H also, that is their choice but you expect entirely civilised behaviour from all for the sake of your children.

Will that be weird? Well, I spent a day over Xmas with my DH's family comprising BIL's ex-wife who refused to let him have access to their dd for c. 14 years, her new DP (of many years), the dd in question, the BIL in question, his new DP of not many years and her 5-year-old ds. Oh yes, and my MIL and both her ex-dh (my FIL) and her current dh (my Step-father-in-law). Most hilarious moment was when she got confused and called current dh ex-dh's name. Or was it vice versa? Anyway, all perfectly civilised, why wouldn't it be?

Secondly, it must be understandably frustrating and upsetting for both you and dp that your mad family are mad not very sensitive or understanding. At this stage of the game I think there is nothing either of you can do except accept that that is never going to change. I would be tempted to show your dp this thread so that he understands how upsetting you find the upset your mad family causes him. He's already been a triple-A star to put up with as much as he has.

Also quite understandable that dp is upset by how pally your mad family are with your ex given how he treated you. Even those of us who've only known you online have had far longer to get used to how incredibly bizarre they are, and actually the reason why they don't get it is precisely because your dad is the same as your ex. So to stand up and say that isn't good enough for you rocks the very foundations of their world (and frankly is an amazing achievement on your part, I'm amazed at how far you have come on the road back to yourself given the models you've had since childhood of what marriage and family should be).

For him, who loves you and wants to protect you from harm (like a normal person would) to know that your family favour someone who did his best to destroy your personality by his controlling behaviour is extremely hard. But he needs to get that they just don't get it and they never will. The man is to be obeyed and his word is law. You will always be at fault in their eyes for not just accepting this and that won't change, even ex-H eventually drifts away when he meets someone else (other than his 'car friend' )

You've had a lot longer to get used to the madness of your family, he will get there but this will never be the easy path. But as L'Oreal say, "you're worth it". You can't change the fact you have baggage, you can only support him as much as you can in carrying it with you

Thank you for your posts.

My family think my ex is some vulnerable being, which he so isn't! He doesn't do much to convince them he isn't though, and I think it is one of the reasons he doesn't seem bothered about getting a girlfriend & moving on.

I did have a little rant at my mum after Christmas, telling her it had been 2 & a half years & he wasn't some shaky little vulnerable thing who spent every evening crying over me. He has even once babysat round my house while I went out with DP FGS!
I also said they needed to start treating DP & myself more as a package, especially at Christmas etc.

I love DP to pieces & it upsets me so much if I see the situation getting to him at all. I have told him he is welcome to read threads on here, but he doesn't like to pry. He is so different from exh!

NSC - your post sounds so similar to my situation!

It sounds like a good reason for not living near your parents. My ex would have several hours drive to visit my parents so doesn't do it. As my ex wouldn't want to be in the same room as my husband and I would take my husband if it was a christmassy event this wouldn't happen. Some of you do see alot of your parents though. Xmas eve, xmas day and boxing day sounds an awful lot if you're not having to drive for hours to see them. Do you not like having "family" christmasses with just your partner and the kids? I really would just refuse to go if my ex was there.
It sounds as though the oldies are getting a bit confused by the youngsters not getting divorced and clarifying who is and isn't a son/daughter in law though.

I didn't spend Boxing day with my parents - I went to DP's sister's house then, but exh went round my sister's with my parents & stayed the night. That's fine as it wasn't affecting me...a little weird, but fine!
I went round on Christmas Eve as mum invited me for dinner & my sister was visiting (I hadn't seen my sister for ages), so went round there with the boys, then realised exh had also been invited. I didn't actually see that much of him that day as went to the cemetery to visit Nan's grave with mum & my sister, then took the boys to Christingle, but that wasn't the point! As soon as Mum mentioned to DP that exh had been round (she nipped round with my sister for a drink later), it put a dampner on our Christmas Eve evening.

Christmas day I thought I could go through the motions for the boys sake & to keep the family happy, but it ended up a total disaster of a day (another thread!) & I vowed never again! If DP hadn't have been working in the evening, I would have asked him to come & rescue me! He stayed Christmas Eve night, and I so didn't feel like rushing to my parents Christmas morning. Wish we had done our own thing. Exh would have been able to pick the boys up & spent whatever time with them, but I shouldn't have felt I had to spend the whole day with him (& without my DP) round my parent's house.

Hi PC...laptop battery about to flake out..back tomorrow..have you asked your DP if he has any suggestions as to how it could be handled? or what he would like to see happen? He may have a good perspective.
Sympathies though - v hard, and the obvious - cut THEM off - is impossible because of the boys' relationship with yout Mum and their dad.

It sounds as though you need to get the divorce sorted and make it clear to your parents when they invite you that DP comes too and exh doesn't come, they can see him another time. I like my sister in law and can imagine I'd keep in touch if she and my brother divorced. However I would always put my brother first and if he had a new partner I wouldn't invite her round when he and his new woman were coming.
I don't think your DP should be affected by your parents if you start thinking and behaving as though you and DP are a married couple, not that I'm a big fan of couples always going everywhere 2 by 2, but I think in the sort of situations described here I'd do it for a while with family members to ram home the point that there is an important man in my life and it's not my ex.
I hope you've told your family you're getting divorced, and how pleased you are about the divorce and how much better your life is with DP, what a great step father he is etc.

I may be really off the wall here, but isn't it a good thing that the father of their grandchildren wants to spend time with his XPILs.

Just step back a bit from the indignation that your new DP isn't invited etc, and have a look at what is best for your children.
They get to see more of your parents than thay normally would and in a more supported visit with your XDH.

Your DP is having unrealistic expectations if he expects just to fill your xDH's shoes at your parents' family table, just because he's now with you.
These are two different men and they will both have a different relationship with your parents. They know your XDH longer so they are more friendly to him - makes sense to me.

To deny your XDH the support he gets from your parents so that they can support your DP is just plain silly IMHO! there isn't a limit on love you know! They can love BOTH these men, as you obviously did and do!!

Can you imagine a future when your XDh and your DP get along? And your parents support BOTH your XDH and your DP.
That's the solution I would look for.
After all you are not the boss of your parents and they can have whomever they like as their friend and have a relationship with whomever they like. you are not in charge of this.

If you need more help from your parents you could ask them for it straight out, and when you're at it you could ask them how you and your DP can help them. Perhaps your XDH is helping them tremendously, and you are too much in a jealous warp to see it.

I think you need to step back and look at what's best for your children, your parents your XDH and you and your DP, and put your own ego and the expectation that your DP should take the place of your XDH aside and just get along with everyone actually.

Life's very short.

Zazen - in any 'normal' family situation, I suspect that I would agree with much of your post - but there is a long, long history to this, (including emotional cruelty of both PC and her children by exH, and her parents taking his side) and I promise you that in no way would PinkChampagne's ego ever be a factor!

PC - If I were you I would be crossing my fingers and resorting to spells and potions wishing for exH to start a serious new relationship. No New Woman would put up with the common-law-adopted-son relationship he has with your Ps! Also, you know what they are like now - take the reins in your own hands as much as possible as far as planning goes. Next year - you could invite your Ps to come and see the boys at YOUR house on Christmas morning, for example, rather than always be at the mercy of their crackpot arrangements.

How would exH react if you called him and said 'I'll be there with New Man, so I'd appreciate it if you could come some other time'?.

Or invite your ps to your house for a meal with you and NM - i.e make times to see them and for them to meet when YOU are in control of the arrangements, not your S and BIL or Ps.

But sympathies, anyway.

Thank you all for your responses. Zazen - I don't expect them not to have a relationship with exh - never have done. It is the way they almost behave in a similar way to when we were together, like nothing has changed. Of course they can see him as often as they want, but he shouldn't always be the one invited to everything (especially alongside me) before DP. I wouldn't like it much if DP was constantly being invited round his parents for dinner with his ex wife & I wasn't!

I think the breaking of routine idea over Christmas & maybe doing it myself, is a good one, Blu. Mum tells me Dad is taking her away from it all next year anyway, and I said "good idea!"

I don't live with DP yet, CapricaSix. We aren't in any real rush just yet - I quiet like the fact I can go to his place sometimes - it's like a mini break! We have spoken about it, but we want to get both our divorces (which we are both in the middle of atm) sorted before thinking of the next step.

DP doesn't make a fuss about this at all, and he worries more about me being upset, so he really doesn't worry more about his own importance at all. Just sometimes I can see things are getting to him a little & I hate it.

PC your DP sounds like a diamond and the fact that he is more upset about how it affects you is just testament to that.

Your family's relationship with your exH is frankly bizarre but he does need to understand that you cannot change it, it will be what it will be. I'm still in shock that your dad agreed to meet DP, I thought hell would freeze over sooner.

Small steps. And protect your own little unit rather than get dragged into their stuff. Sounds like a Christmas 'off' would be in everyone's interests.

LOL at your dad taking your Mum 'away from it all' when they are the cause of it!

It would be brilliant if they DID go away for Christmas next year, but I will believe it whenI hear you have received the postcard!! Because it will be a 'first christmas' for your S's baby, etc, and she will do a high maintenance number for sure! Although, of course, everyone does feel special about a baby's first christmas. Maybe your S and BIL will go away with them. That would be a bonus, given your BILs behaviour this year! But if they do stay at home, you can invite them to have a glass of champagne and presents with the boys at yours...and then pop over to theirs on Boxing day.

Shame exH isn't anyone you'd want to encourage an aquaintance to get together with, or you could matchmake him out of your hair!

Totally agree there, Blu! Have had single friends ask if I know of any single guys & I always answer "well there is my exh, but I wouldn't reccomend that one!"

I also have a feeling the "going away" was just to see if I would say "no no, please don't feel you need to do that", which of course I didn't! Would be ideal if they did though. I told mum that if it wasn't for the fact the boys need to be near their dad at Christmas, I would have booked to go away next Christmas myself!