I feel my bizarre family/exh situation is starting to get to my DP a little & I don't know what I can do.

[Pinkchampagne]

I know it is odd, but have got to a "leave them to it" stage in my brain. I am so used to their odd relationship with exh, that I push it aside, so long as they are not bothering me.

My parents have only met my DP of nearly 18 months twice, but this is a major improvement to how things were, when just months back, my dad refused to accept my DP's exisetence.
I felt things were slowly getting better, but then Christmas exh stayed with my family Christmas Eve, Christmas day & then went to my sister's with my parents & the boys on Boxing day (I went round DP's sister's then)
I separated from exh way over 2 years back, but my family can't seem to break away from him. My DP is really starting to feel the strain of feeling like he is less important in my family's eyes etc, and it is doing me in because I feel so out of control.

I lost it big time over Christmas, as some of you will know, and have tried & tried to talk to my family, but feel I am only getting so far. I can't physically stop them having this intense relationship with my ex, I can just do my best to keep my distance where possible & do my own thing. It upsets me so much when I see DP affected by this madness though.

What would others do? Is there anything more I can do? I can't have them affecting my relationship.

That sure is a bit strange. We don't have that, but my dad still refers to him as his son in law & my sister & her DH call him BIL. My BIL told my mum that he thought I was out of order for mentioning my DP in front of exh on Christmas day!!

PC - having followed your story for these last few years I can't say I'm surprised to read this.

Sadly I think there is nothing you can do to change your family or your ex and their behaviour. They obviously enjoy the relationship that they have established. And given that there are probably a lot of benefits for your DC in your ex being so close to your parents I think I would just accept that it is this way.

The issue of your DP though, is a different one. I can only see three solutions to this:

1. you keep the pressure on your family to accept him

1. you distance yourself from the family and make sure that DP is made to feel important

1. you tell DP that this is the situation and he will just have to put up with it - after all, he knows how important he is to you

I can't, to be honest, see why you would want to distance yourself from your own family, even though it's a difficult situation. TBH, I would just tell DP to get over it.

It worries me that he is not feeling important enough and that this situation is upsetting for him. It has always been like this - and whilst I can understand that he might be frustrated that nothing has really changed, he should be there to support you, not worry about his own importance.

My XH is like this with my parents who I have nothing to do with and the good thing is that he will never have a normal relationship with another woman as he will have to include her in their relationship - how weird would that be - oh we are just popping round my XPIL's!!!

My parents initially took my exhusband's side as I decided to leave him for another man. They were staying with him and heard him on the phone to by current husband's ex saying how they would try to get all they can out of us. They then realised it was a battle and they were on the wrong side and relationships between them and my ex have been more formal since and they felt like my family again. Def get the divorce, having a relationship with your daughter's exhusband is odder, and marry your current husband. That made things more straightforward for me. Parents can be very old fashioned re the Christian morality thing.
I kept away from mine whilst they weren't welcoming my partner.
Hopefully your ex will meet a new woman, she won't be keen to have him going round his ex's parents all the time

frisbyrat - no dp's ex doesnt send me mothers day cards, she saids dp's mom a mothers day cards and his dad fathers day cards and at xmas she sends them mom and dad cards. she calls them mom and dad and they call her dil. Which legally she is as they are still married - i know
she also visits dp's brother and buys nieces and nephews gifts.
i hope she finds a partner and moves on but i thik she is too busy playing the perfect victim to do that.

If you've been with him for 7 years why hasn't he got divorced? I wouldn't be happy about that. If no kids staying married for that long seems weird if you're in a relationship with someone else, especially if hisr parents treat her as his partner not you. Get him to get moving to clarify to her and his parents who the significant woman in his life really is. It also sorts out the legal stuff.

i wish i could answer that 2rebecca, he left her 7 years ago and we bought a house and his ex stayed in the house. she didn't work, don't know why, so he paid off the mortgage and she got a part time job. at the time he said he had hurt her enough by leaving and didn't want to take the house off her as she had no where to go but he didn't want to give her the house as he had paid for it so he just left and sort of forgot about it on purpose. she didn't want to split and tried to get him back, expecting us to split up and him run home i think.
anyway, 7 years later and 1 dd the situation hasn't changed at all, she has never asked for a divorce as she is better off living in a paid up house, dp even still pays fuel for her.
every so often it gets to me and i ask him and i shout and end up crying saying he should divorce her for mine and dds sake and he says he knows he should and intends to but doesn't know how to bring it up and doesn't want to cause more upset, we agree he will do something and then he doesn't.

PC - please forgive me as i don't know much of your personal situation but this is my take....perhaps your ex got on very well wiht your family whilst you were together and enjoys their company and thinks its best for the boys if he continues to see them so extended family stays together even if thre is a break between parents themselves. I can certainly see this as good for the boys if not necessarily you.

Is it entirely reasonable of you to expect your exh to totally drop out of the picture where your parents are concerned and only see the kids without taking them round to your parents due to teh split? its more unnatural I would thnk for him to disappear from the picture ocmpletely.

perhaps in 5 or so years time when yhour parents understand that you are divorced and wiht new partner they will be nicer to your new partner and if, at that time, your exh is still close to your family and taking your boys to see him etc that can only be of benefit surely?> In other words if all parties are happy?

I do understand that you feel strained now as you want your parents on your side and to conecntrate on your new relationship with you but hopefully time will heal.

It sounds as though he cares more about her getting upset and unhappy than you getting upset and unhappy, especially if you have a kid together, that is really warped priorities. I'd sit down and tell him that if you have to make regular scenes to get him to take you as seriously as he takes his ex you will do but you'd rather he behaved like a man not a mouse, so you didn't have to nag him and got on and divorced her.

ILTC - so your dp's ex is still his official next of kin? So if anything happened to him she could claim his half of your house etc? Or am I missing something?

malovitt - no idea. yes she is still married to him so if he dies she would get the house she lives in, not sure about our house as it's in my name only and he is listed on the deeds as a tenant with no rights. not sure if dd would get anything.
if she died he would get his old house back.
he doesn't want the old house as she lives there but he feels like he shouldn't have to give her his half as he paid for all of it. she can't buy him out as earns little at a shop and pays bills etc, prob nothing left.
2rebecca - yes i think he is more worried about upsetting her than me. we are together and apart from this issue we are very happy. i shout and get angry and he goes quiet. she cries and says he has wrecked his life and has no where to go and noone and apologises for being a burden and she bets he wishes she would disappear and he feels guilty and leaves her to it.
i can't win,

What does she mean nowhere to go and no-one? It's up to her to make friends, move if she needs to and find a new man. He's not stopping her. It sounds as though he'd do her a favour by divorcing her as it would force her to move on. It's not fair on your daughter to have a dad who's married to a woman who isn't her mother.

My DP has been (and still is) more than understanding. He doesn't make a fuss, but sometimes (like over Christmas when exH spent Christmas Eve, Christmas day & Boxing day with my family & he wasn't involved at all)it gets to him a little. Exh is such a huge part of the family (bigger than me I would say!) & gets invited to everything. Outsiders (including his own friends & good friends of my parents) all comment on how it isn't right.
I feel a lot of men would have run a mile from this odd situation!

Pc - what we do is if ex is invited we don't go and then when people ask where we were we say we won't go if ex is there. its upto them if they woulod rather see the ex than there own family.
2rebecca - she has nowhere to move to and can't afford a house, only works a few hours (could do more) and can't get a mortgage. I think she likes being the martyr who neveer moves on and never meets anyone.

Move away from them - physically or emotionally - and get on with your own life.

They are NEVER going to change and bring you nothing but shit.

DP gets more upset when they invite both exh & myself round. He also finds it odd that my family are so very close to him after how he treated me when we were married.
He knew exh was going to be spending Christmas day with the family (including me) for the sake of the children, but didn't know it would be 3 consecutive days over Christmas. DP wasn't invited to one!

Sorry, x posted. I try to do that wherever possible, ILTC. Not sure it is better for the children to see us all together with the family either, as they get confused as to why we don't live together anymore.

I have a friend who has an exh and her family still invite him over for Sunday lunch and her brothers invite him out drinking etc, she would also go along - her family didn't exclude her.

When it was her rothers 50th birthday my friend just took her dp along to the party aswell - her exh was there (I was here aswell with my b/f ) my friends new d/p was happy that he had me and my b/f there to talk to and be "his" friends.

After her brothers party her parents did start inviting her new dp over for lunch and tea - not at the same time as her exh.

I dont think my friends exh could let go of the "family" as his own parents had died, his sister he has little contact.

If I were you pink champagne I would divide up the children's time with exhusband over xmas and new year and when you have the children then you do things with your partner, invite you and your partners family round if you wish but don't go to your families if exhusband there. xmas morning you could spend with kids and exh as that's different, but if your ex has the kids boxing day and chooses to go to your parents that's up to him, you do something with your partner and then do stuff with the kids when you have them.
That's how I work it with my ex. If he has the kids for xmas then he does his thing with the kids and I wait until it's my turn to see them and do mine with my current husband. When the kids were little we both had xmas morning with them at his house as he hasn't remarried, now they're older I wait to see them until it's my turn. It brings home to the kids and all relatives that exhusband and I are now divorced.

And I really don't expect him to disappear out of the picture totally. It is just that my DP seems to totally take a back seat, while exh gets invited to everything!

i would make a decision right now that you and dh will never be 'together' at any social event (be it at your parents or your sisters etc) unless your DP is also there

Your family need to know that you will not get in the way of them having a relationship with your ex but they need to make room for your new DP or they will see less of you

share the care of the boys over christmas but not ever TOGETHER...in the end it will just confuse your dcs, piss you off and alienate your DP

X posted again! I did spend Boxing Day with my DP this year while exh had the boys. I had an awful Christmas day & really lost it with my family, so it was good to have one nice stress free day!

DP had accepted that exh would be round Christmas day, but then mum came round & dropped into conversation that he had been invited round (at same time as me) Christmas Eve too, which got to DP a little & put a dampner on our Christmas.

god, I'd be tempted to move away with your dp and kids and leave them all to it
Then if they wanted to see their grandchildren they'd have to come to you

in future just make it plain to your family that if YOU are invited round that should include your DP (or at least be your choice to invite him) and that under no circumstances should ex be ther...if he is you will just leave...then stick to your guns!!

That sounds like really good advice, DDF!