Is it reasonable to ask someone to clarify their feelings towards you?

[Watoose]

I'm asking as somehow I feel I should just take a hint, but then again he's being very confusing.

So I've written a longish letter explaining that although I am probably being thick, I need him to let me know that there's no chance with him so that I can move on. I have apologised in the letter but still feel mildly guilty about it for some reason.

Is this reasonable or should I just give up anyway and not expect him to spell it out for me? He's given me a few reasons to think there might be a chance so feel like I am hanging by a thread and unable to move on - I want to move on if he's just being polite iyswim.

Dont send the letter- you will probably regret it, unfortunately. Try and decide yourself to move on- you don't need his permission. It sounds like he is messing you about - but you can choose not to let him! Hope you're ok

Thanks, well it's been posted

I'm cross with him for messing me about and although I'll probably not even get a reply I felt the need to explain how upset I was.

I still don't really know what he thinks or feels or wants. I guess I should just move on anyway...

I agree BoF - be strong, move on!

He's probably trying to let you down gently, and if not, he will be in touch and let you know!

Yes he probably is, never mind...I have done all I can now and feel better for it tbh. I tried to speak to him yesterday and get an answer but he wouldn't give anything away and I got muddled and didn't assert myself enough.

Has been a year since I told him I liked him. That is prob a pretty big indication that he isn't interested! He just keeps saying tantalising things so I'm confused

Oh I can't be doing with people who hint at things and play mind games.

Sometimes, someone just needs to take the bull by the horns and say "look, what exactly is going on here?" imo, or this sort of nonsense can drag on for years.

Good on you for asking, but if he doesn't give a straight answer pretty promptly, I think the best thing to do is just move on or you will just get messed about and end up getting hurt.

I think the way you need to look at this is to give yourself credit for the fact that you are being strong and taking the power for yourself by cutting the crap. You are giving him a chance - and if he blows the chance you have just given him, then it is his loss, and you can move on with your head held high.

Thanks Servalan, it's lovely to know someone thinks it was sensible!!

That was it really - every time I see him I try and cut to the chase and he always asks me something rather than letting any information slip about how he actually feels.

I guess he'd be leaving himself open to accusations of disloyalty to the girlfriend if he admitted anything, although he's let some odd things out - aside from the fact he has been after me for years and used to chase me like mad when I was seeing someone!!

I'm not holding my breath but I have pretty much begged him just to put me out of my misery now as I can see myself getting really obsessed otherwise and don't want to go down that road. I'm not going to wait forever and he knows someone else who likes me is coming back soon from holiday, so he's not got long to sort it out if he is interested.

Will update if any response!!! (not highly likely!)

Watoose, sorry to say this, but 'a few reasons to think there might be a chance' is not good enough.

It's unlikely this is going anywhere. You've written the letter now, which probably made you feel a lot better which is the most important thing. I would forget him and move on.

If he was mad keen on you there would be no doubt. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't mean it to, but I too wasted so much time before realising this.

I did this once, years and years ago (at university) and it did clarify things, but then we went back to being best friends after a few months and it limped along for ages. I never regretted sending the letter though, it actually gave me some self respect. I do regret that we stayed friends though, so if it does look like he's not interested I would cut all ties tbh. I think if it helps you move on it's the right thing to do.

surely if he has a girlfriend he is off limits?

Watoose, I bet once you've 'moved on' he will be interested. Don't waste another year on him!

Sorry, but (to quote from sex and the city) he's just not that into you.

God the amount of times I've spent a useless amount of time reading 'signals' into ex-boyfriends' and crushes' actions, and leaping on the meerest crumb of a kind word ( at the thought of my former self). It's horrible, but you're better than that. He's also got a girlfriend?

No, no, no, walk away, don't look back. Spend some time getting to like yourself and bit better and realise that you are lovely and deserve someone who thinks you are with no excuses and no games. It's hard but worth it.

I spent a year on my own after a succession of losers following my 1st marriage breaking up. And just as I was actually really enjoying being single and having a great set of friends, etc, the True Love of my Life appeared and Bingo!

Agree with CD. He is taken.

Plus, if he wanted you, he would dump the girlfriend and come for you. Men often want what they can't have and lose interest when they can have it.

Yes, he has a girlfriend who lives about 200 miles away, but he keeps saying they might not be together for very long

If he didn't say things like that, I'd be a lot less likely to hang about iyswim. But you're right - it isn't looking good is it.

Oovavu - people keep telling me they met their husband etc when they were enjoying being single. However I have had plenty of phases of being really happy alone and still haven't met anyone. I must be doing something wrong innit

Am starting to think destiny has it in for me never to meet anyone decent again.

Ah, so he has a girlfriend.

This explains the fact that he won't say how he feels. At the moment he is getting his cake and eating it - he has the security of a relationship, also he has the excitement of a flirtation.

I was in a really similar position to you about 10 years ago. I fell in love with a guy while I was with someone. I split up with my then boyfriend and the guy I had fallen in love with was then in a relationship with someone else. The whole time we were in touch we had a bit of an "emotional affair" going on - but never discussed how we felt - it was just all about subtext and frisson, long phonecalls and letters, long walks along the South Bank etc...

In the end I had enough and brought it to a head. I told him how I felt and said things couldn't continue how they were. It was painful and very sad, but it just brought about the inevitable - that he would chose his girlfriend. This would always have been the case. I was just his "grass is greener" that he could have self-indulgent fantasies about - it would never have gone anywhere.

Once I had established nothing would ever happen, I broke all contact. It was totally the right thing to do.

I bumped into him a couple of years ago. They got married, had a beautiful son. I met someone and got married myself. I have a beautiful daughter.

The "love of my life" who I went through all the heartache with has not aged well at all. He is so obese that I did not recognise him at first. Speaking to him again, I realise that he still skirts around issues. We bump into each other from time to time and what happened years ago is like the elephant in the living room because it will never be discussed because he doesn't like looking at feelings head-on, so it will always be a source of embarressment between of so we will never be friends (probably just as well all things considering).

Anyway - seeing him years later with the benefit of hindsight and more life behind me, I see that bringing matters to a head and just getting on with my life was the best thing to do, that the things that seemed mysterious and romantic all those years ago would have just been a pain in the arse in the real world.

Honestly, I know it's painful, I've been there, but it's really not worth wasting any more time on this guy. Better things are out there on the horizon for you - go grab them!!

I would also be suspicious that he is only into you when you have a bf
He is using you as an ego boost in some way but he doesn't actually want to be with you I would say

What you're saying though is indicative of someone who doesn't value themselves as much as they should (the "what on earth would anyone see in me" syndrome, if you like!).

There's being happy and single and then there's being happy, single and available as well, which involves putting yourself out there a bit and projecting a you that is attractive to both sexes (as in someone who is good to spend time with). I think maybe without realising it, you might be appearing a bit off-limits to potential friends/partners - for one, you've been focusing on this bloke for too long. He's teeling you things that keep you hanging around as I think he quite likes the idea of you liking him, rather than him liking the idea of you.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and be kind to yourself (allow yourself a little wallow to get over him and the future you undoubtedly projected into you both for a long time) and then get out there and enjoy yourself!

Watoose, even if this guy had been single I would say 'forget him' The fact that he has a GF makes him about 100x less worthy of your time and concern.

Get on with your life and try to meet someone available who is 'chasing' you. It's so hard to apply this advice I know, and I have made more than my share of mistakes, but it really is the best way.

Thankyou all

You're very kind and honest!

It's a shame as he used to chase me, I mean really really was keen, but like you say CD it was when I wasn;t available. Now I've realised i need someone like that he isn't doing it any more! Perhaps he never would have wanted me way back when - if I'd said 'Ok bring it on' he might have run away.

Servalan - thanks for the story. It's quite inspiring, and I guess one has to be careful wht one wishes for! There's a reason we don't end up with certain people I suppose. Maybe he would be a right eejit if I got him to myself finally.

Oovavu, MrsSB - I don't really feel attractive enough so probably need to try and work on my own self image before I go out there. It seems like a mountain to climb tbh. But there's no point being with someone until you're ready is there.

Time to move on, but I'm glad the letter is sent as it means no more mucking about. That's just bad for everyone really, especially his poor girlfriend!

You have taken the bull by the horns and sent the letter. I'm not thinking that that was the wrong thing to do btw. If you don't get a positive response then please make sure you are now completely unavailable to him in any shape or form. Not worth hanging on for. I agree you deserve someone in your life that truly wants you.

I sent an email to someone recently who had declared undying love for me then bolted at the first sign of a problem. He left me feeling upset and bewildered. I left it a while then let him know all the positives that had happened since we were in touch and that I had a hot new man. It's true but he isn't the 'one' that I thought I'd found. He didn't even bother replying but I don't regret sending it.

Looking forward to seeing the film 'he's just not into you'. Hope it's not sickly sweet as real life isn't, sometimes.

I've been able to move on without contact from many a relationship but when you fall in love and they let you down badly I won't follow the rules etc and put up and shut up. [Grin]

Definitely agree. If you feel interesting and attractive then you are. Spend some time on yourself and doing the things you like to do. Good luck - you'll get there in the end!

I agree, work on that self confidence Watoose, because it will make you feel better. But even when you feel less than good, the 'right' one won't notice/care.

My DH called to see me once unexpectedly, when he was still BF. I had a stinking cold, covered in spots, no make-up and fuzzy hair. I was appalled and thought that would be that. But he said I looked lovely and not to worry about the make-up, he wasn't wearing any either!

That's very heart warming MrsSB! Awww.

Thankyou girls. I'm not intending to keep in touch if he doesn't reply - he has until Feb 14th to make his move, then it's out with the old and in with the new!

I feel much better now - you're a good bunch.

Glad you are feeling better. Chin up, now your hair's 'you' again (other thread), there'll be no stopping you!

Hi again..

Just dropped in and noticed you DID contact him after all.. Well done I guess for being brave.. even though you seemed fairly sure he was being a bit of an arse and that he probably hadn't contacted you since you last saw him for the reasons you suspected..

Good luck to you - at least you'll not be wondering - which it seemed was most of the problem..

And if it does make him him do something about the situation with present gf, then best of luck... but I still think he sounds a bit tricky!!