Is it reasonable to ask someone to clarify their feelings towards you?

[Watoose]

I'm asking as somehow I feel I should just take a hint, but then again he's being very confusing.

So I've written a longish letter explaining that although I am probably being thick, I need him to let me know that there's no chance with him so that I can move on. I have apologised in the letter but still feel mildly guilty about it for some reason.

Is this reasonable or should I just give up anyway and not expect him to spell it out for me? He's given me a few reasons to think there might be a chance so feel like I am hanging by a thread and unable to move on - I want to move on if he's just being polite iyswim.

Forget it. And move on.

And make a vow never to write a letter like that again.

Yes, the problem was the wondering but as you say that shouldn't have been happening in the first place if he cared about me.

You know I think he is being a typical man (well similar to many I have known) in that he doesn't want to be shouted at. I think he got all flirtatious with me a few weeks ago when she wasn't really in touch, and he felt almost justified letting his mind wander - but then she started paying him attention again and even if he does have doubts about their relationship, he doesn't wanna be the one to end it, because that means she will be cross with him, and he couldn't really handle that.

He's a bit trickier than I would hope for really, in a man - but I've done it now and got it off my chest and the ball is in his court, so at least I won't be in that situation in a few months whereby some nice man approaches me and I am hesitating about dating him, because I am still unsure if the other guy wants me.

And then if the other guy DID turn up and say, hey I was hoping you would wait' I can say 'Oh really, well I did give you plenty of notice!' and know he had the chance to do something about it.

I'm passing the buck I suppose

NKF - why not? What do you mean about the letter, can you explain?

Well, I think men are on the whole quite simple when it comes to women. If he liked you, you would know about it. He isn't free anyway. Basically, there's not much point in considering him as a boyfriend. So if someone nice approaches you, you should say yes if you want to.

I see what you mean...I'm probably being quite desperate and deluded.

It's the closest I get to a relationship at the moment, hey

I mean in a way it's easier sometimes to kid oneself that someone might like you than to accept that nobody does...

but ultimately probably not good for you. I'm trying to knock it on the head this time and hope I can just forget about him instead of trying to perpetuate the delusion like I used to. iyswim

Just keep repeating ' I. Deserve. Better.'

Eventually you'll believe it - and hopefully before you've wasted too much more time on this spineless sounding specimen

Thankyou

The longer I don't hear anything from him the more I am feeling detached from him and angry about it. I do deserve better.

I found this paragraph in an article about stalking, as I started to worry I was getting obsessed with him and wanted to find out how to stop it and also why it happened.

It's interesting:

'Obsessive relationships are not hard to create. Bob will become obsessed if Jane tells him to leave her alone while at the same time she is telling Bob she loves him and they were meant to be together. Bob will get even more obsessed when he hears that Jane has told Bob?s friends how much she loves him, what a jerk he can be and she just can?t be with him. Most guys like Bob might say "Forget it!", but Bob will start to feel more and more like repairing the relationship if Jane continues to intrude into his life.' !

'Men and women become especially obsessed in a relationship when they experience a double bind. The most powerful double bind is "I love you, go away." Saying or expressing this over and over to anyone can be a sick game. What happens when Bob and Jane repeatedly break up and restore the relationship? They both start to fall apart and blame the other person. At this point Jane and Bob are both part of the problem. It is not fair to call it stalking when two people are essentially intruding and stalking each other. There are no victims of stalking when there is mutual pursuit.'

So, that explains why I was starting to get a bit hung up I think. He kept saying 'you are my ideal' and 'I'd be with you in an instant if I was single again' and 'I didn't come round because I knew I'd be in a dangerous situation and would get myself in trouble'. And at the same time not come round or call or anything. One time he followed me into town, invited me into his home, touched my knee, flirted with me. It is confusing when someone does that kind of thing.

But I'm out of it now and quite relieved actually...it's a crappy way to behave and I was naive to think it meant anything. It's just games isn't it.

Dittany, cross posts there.

I think you're thinking I would want an affair with him - I wouldn't do that and I told him that very clearly. He seemed unhappy with his relationship and I repeatedly said, let me know when you are single again, but I don't do affairs.

I thought he deserved a chance to think about it and then make a decision. I've given him that chance now and decided that if he doesn't want to end things with her, he's not for me - so I shan't be pursuing it.

You're absolutely right - it's not romantic at all but I'd like it to be, which is why I'm asking him to choose. I'm not sure I want him any more though after realising he is messing with me and her.

my comment about 14th February was tongue in cheek and I don't hold out much hope that he will really come through.

"every time I see him I try and cut to the chase and he always asks me something rather than letting any information slip about how he actually feels"

Do you really badger him about how he feals about you everytime you meet?

Give it up girl, you are badly smitten, and as somebody else just said "he just isnt that into you".

I wish I could find someone who did though.

I am usually Ok about being singlebut sometimes it really gets hard to bear the loneliness iyswim, and I get vulnerable and want to believe someone is interested probably more than they truly are.

It sucks, I know, it's not a good idea.

No QS - I didn't badger him every time, I just often have tried to talk honestly about it when the subject comes up - which it often did, he would start asking me about my love life, or complaining about his.

I don't think I started to badger him until this week really

"I'm asking him to choose"

That is a classic statement of someone who is down on themselves and feels unworthy.. I recognise this sooo much. You want him to choose because then if he does choose you, you'll imagine (subconsciously even) that you'll feel better about yourself - because you have 'been chosen'.

Uh - uh. In the short term, superficially this might work.. but long term - danger lurks. By doing this you perpetuate that you are only able to be judged as worthy (in theis case of love) through the attentions and actions of others.. and not because you actually ARE worthy.

Hope that makes sense..

Hmm,

I don't know. It isn't so much that I want to be chosen over her. I think it's more that I know he wanted me way back when, and I kind of want to believe that he has been filling a gap in his life since I rejected him and means what he says in that i'm still his 'ideal'. I want to feel like someone loves me that much - especially now that I am free to fancy him back (I was heavily involved with someone else in those days - and pregnant!)

Maybe I only want him because I need to be loved by someone to make me feel worth anything though. That can't be good can it.

Yes PP it does make sense.

it's reasonable of you to want clarification

you will probably just get silence though, which imo would be clarification enough

he does sound as if he is just liking the fact there is another woman who is attracted to him, because its ego boosting

sadly its messing your own head up, which is another signal that he is wrong for you, as he is letting it continue by not being honest with you or proactive in some way

thanks, Lou. I explained very clearly in my letter how much it's messing my head up - so ignorance no longer an excuse. Now he knows it's hurting me he ought to act on that if he cares about me - and if I don't hear back within a few days I shall take that as my answer. Don't hold your breath

"I want to feel like someone loves me that much"

..same thing, surely? If not chosen over someone else - then still chosen, and in circumstances in which you can imagine make you feel especially wanted as they come with difficult decisions on his part..

I think you know yourself well.. you have a pretty good idea that he has twuntish tendencies, and you recognise how your mind is working at keeping this 'relationship' going..

..roll on Feb 14th, and in the meantime, love yourself and get out there!!

i always find knowledge is empowering, painful or not it allows you the choice about what to do next

i am also way too intolerant to be fucked about now

You have clarification. He has a girlfriend. Don't tell him about your love life. It's none of his business. Get out there and find someone else. This one isn't going anywhere.

but the point is he has kept hinting they are coming to an end and wat has a chance, which is unfair , thats why she needs to tell him to shit or get off the pot, even if just to make it know she has asserted herself and isnt waiting for him another second

Ok, will do

Thanks Lou I respect your opinion on many things and glad you understand - though nkf has a point