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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

me and dh have fallen out - help!

58 replies

chocolatefudgebrownie · 19/01/2009 10:38

My dh and I had a bit of a falling out last night. I couldn't get out of him what I had said. He said that I should know what I said that had upset him. I honestly do not know, and listed a few things, but he said 'no' to every one I said.

He wouldn't speak to me this morning. Then when I went in the bathroom, he left for work without saying goodbye and kissing me or the dc's. Which has never happened before

I sent a text after he left to ask what is wrong and I haven't got a reply. Obviously, I am really worried at what I have done. If he won't tell me, I don't know how to solve it. Tis all a mess

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 19/01/2009 10:42

That's a bit crap of him. I can't stand the 'oh you should know what you did' routine.

Has he done anything like this before?

kittywise · 19/01/2009 10:44

Sorry you're having a bad time.

It's so annoying when people react like that, it's very immature.
It does seem as if he really wants to milk the situation.

If I were you I would say that you can't put things right or even talk to him about it if he isn't able to have an adult conversation. As much as you would like to be you are not psychic.

I would leave it. I'm sure if it is that important he will spill the beans soon enough.

SpongeBrainedHalfWit · 19/01/2009 10:45

passive agressive silent treatment is awful. He needs to grow up and speak his mind.

NotQuiteCockney · 19/01/2009 10:45

Oh, and I'd leave him to stew. Frankly.

Him not kissing the dcs, whatever you've done, is just madness.

Original poster
chocolatefudgebrownie · 19/01/2009 10:46

NQC - He just won't talk to me and expects me to know what is in his head! He tells me he doesn't want to hide his emotions like his father, but this is exactly how it is now.

He won't talk to me, but when we go to my parents. He will talk to my father for hours. Sometimes I think he would prefer to be married to him!

Another thing this morning, which I know if petty. I saw a spider and dh knows that I like them put outside, rather than harming it. He then asked ds to get a shoe and 'kill the nasty thing' and made a big deal of making ds smash it to pieces, with a glint in his eye at me. wtf?!

OP posts:
compo · 19/01/2009 10:47

god, he sounds so childish!

Original poster
chocolatefudgebrownie · 19/01/2009 10:48

My ds told me this morning that dh told him he is flying back to the middle east! I don't know if this is true, as he is only 3 and can make things up. It really shook me!

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatefudgebrownie · 19/01/2009 10:48

compo - I know, he is 30 this year, fgs!

OP posts:
Lauriefairycake · 19/01/2009 10:48

He's aggressive and passive-aggressive.

Yuk

agree with leaving him to stew, start singing around the house cheerfully and pretending nothings happened.

And learn to put out your own loofahs.

NotQuiteCockney · 19/01/2009 10:49

You're not psychic.

Thing is, it's entirely possible that he misunderstood whatever you are meant to have said or done. He might have misheard. You might have meant it totally differently than how he heard it.

But if he doesn't call you directly on your "bad behaviour" it's hard for him to find out.

This sort of behaviour is just outrageous. Surely if you are doing something so monstrous, then you should be told right away, so you can understand what a problem it is, think about what prompted you to be so terribly horrible to him, and fix it.

Divineintervention · 19/01/2009 10:49

Turn it around and ignore him, don't ask again, don't apologise and tell him if he's going to be moody to stay out of the house until dcs are in bed as he's setting a bad example!

Original poster
chocolatefudgebrownie · 19/01/2009 10:50

'And learn to put out your own loofahs. LFC - sorry what does this mean!?

OP posts:
Lauriefairycake · 19/01/2009 10:51

loofahs=spiders on mumsnet for those of a nervous disposition

NotQuiteCockney · 19/01/2009 10:52

Eight-legged creatures are called loofahs. Frances says so.

MmeLindt · 19/01/2009 10:55

I would send him a txt or an email saying that as I am not good at mind reading he has two choices. Tell me what his problem is or stay in the huff for the next 20 years.

Is he always this childish?

Original poster
chocolatefudgebrownie · 19/01/2009 11:00

MMlindt - No he is not usually. That is why I am more concerned.

I will have it out with him this evening and make him to tell me! I have all sorts of horrible scenario's running through my head right now, so I NEED to know. Hope it is nothing bad or that we can't solve.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 19/01/2009 11:04

You can't make him tell you. He wants you to make a big fuss and drag it out of him. Just let him tell you when he's ready, and ignore him until then.

It's not likely to be anything big, if you did something wrong (rather than him imagining/misinterpreting it), you weren't thinking, you forgot something. You're human.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 19/01/2009 11:10

you are playing into his hands. he wants you to stew and panic, and grovel and beg to him to tell you your 'crime'.

he's being pathetic. this is not adult behaviour so you, as an adult, should not engage with him until he can behave adult as well. ignore it (not him) and wait til he's finished sulking. if you flap round him asking what you have done you will be rewarding this behaviour and he will do it again.

Broodymomma · 19/01/2009 11:18

If you had said something that bad you would know what it was. What a horrible way to treat you not to mention your dc. Leaving without a morning kiss for them is just awful, its not their fault. Be kind to yourself he sounds like he is being a total pig in my opinion xxx

taliac · 19/01/2009 12:01

ignore!

OhBling · 19/01/2009 12:11

I cannot understand how you could have done something so bad that he is refusing to talk to you without even an inkling of the problem? Assuming you know him fairly well, you should be able to tell roughly what has upset him. The fact that you can't means he is being completely irrational and you should refuse to buy into his behaviour.

[even if you did know why he was upset, this behaviour would still be unacceptable]

IamWhoIAm · 19/01/2009 12:47

Passive aggressive. All about mind games and control. He has left you wondering what you have done, he has ignored your text, he has taken control. He will not contact you. He is making you sweat, his is beginning to play his mind games. You are in pieces, you can't understand what you did wrong, you will start to doubt yourself. He needs you to contact him, he is waiting for you to make contact so he can ignore you, he will feed off this. Do not feed him. If you must contact him tell him you find his behaviour unacceptable, unnecessary and you do not expect to be treated like this again ever. Google passive aggressive, read up on it, know what you are dealing with, it will continue unless you put a stop to it now.

bubblagirl · 19/01/2009 13:01

ooh you havent married my ex have you

he used to send me to different room to think about my actions

i could never work out what i had done and left him eventually when my confidence came back

all you can do is say i want to know what i said i have no idea and dont think ignoring me will help the situaTION THEN IGNORE HIM sorry not shouting

make it look like your not bothered and then he hasn't got control over silly situation

but dont apologise and go running to him unless you do have some idea what it may be i did that for years and wont fall into that trap again

NotQuiteCockney · 19/01/2009 13:05

Bubblagirl, please tell me you tried going to the pub to think about your actions, instead?

bubblagirl · 19/01/2009 13:14

i did eventually and he followed me up there causing huge scene that was the turning point and all my mates got him out and never looked back , i was young and naive first serious relationship took 4 years but i got out it made me who i am today so cant complain too much just glad i came to my senses looking back now can't believe what i actually put up with and how controlling he was