How do you know when it's over?

[geisha]

Outside of abusive or unfaithful marriages - how do you know when it's time to stop trying?

If you are asking here is a set of alarm bells itself...

God - that's me! I want out. The few people I have confided in think I am absolutely bonkers because, on the face of it, we have a "perfect" life. But I have "fallen in love" twice since I have been married (last one written up here) both times didn't take the it anywhere because I was so desperate to "make the marriage work" and keep a family unit for the children. My own parents were all over the place when we were growing up and it was very destructive. But - having spent the last few weeks longing to be with someone else and wanting to be anywhere but with my husband and his friends who I find boring, I must now face the facts. Whether I have an affair is entirely irrelevant. I don't want to be in the marriage any more. Period. I want to be free to have other relationships. Maybe I never will, but that's okay. Phew!!!

The alarm bells are ringing BOF.
Lilac - I need to decide whether to keep trying or leave. I don't know how to work out what to do. I don't know how I am supposed to feel either way.

Geisha, How long have you felt like this and weighing up the pros and cons, which is better: staying with him or seperating? What vibes do you get from him? Have your family or close freinds noticed any changes in you due to you being unhappy?
With me, it was lack of sex, well actually NO SEX!, leading seperate lives, I'd hate it when he came home in the evenings, silent treatment/ his anger towards me, the dirty looks he gave me when out socially with his family, his heavy drinking. My family noticed how I was always ill, lost some of the sparkle in my eyee! and became quite withdrawn.
Mind you this came as a result of a few years of unhappiness and I really tried everything with him but one person can't fix a relationship - it definately takes two!

geisha, do you have children together? Without mine, I'd have been long gone...

We have a three and four year old. Vibes from him - wants to stay together. No sex for 5-6 months, not much before that. He doesn't bother trying it on anymore because he knows I don't want that. The issues are mainly mine - inequitable division of work/responsibilty at home/kids given that we both do full-time demanding jobs. Also. not being allowed to know about the family finances.

You know it is pretty much over when you find a text he has sent to someone else telling them how much he loves them and you are just mildy pissed off, when you used to cry for hours!

Oh crap.

I have got one of the answers.

Wth my ex, I remember coming home from work and if the lights were on I'd walk past my own house to go somewhere else instead.

Also had many fantasies that he would cheat on me and I could leave him cleanly. It took a change of location for me to make the break.

He was a lovely guy but I didn't feel anything for him any more.

... and to add a cheesy note, I've been wiht my current DP for ten years, and my heart lifts each and every time I see the lights on when I get home. I'm keeping an eye on the state of my relationship and it's as good a guage as any I guess!

geisha, sounds like you feel put upon and taken for granted...but some of those things can be fixed or renegotiated possibly.

So can you put that aside, and isolate how you feel about your DH? Can you walk away from your computer right now and look at him? What do you feel?

I was all set to leave a little while ago, and we are giving it another go after I laid my cards on the table again, but I have a few of the things in this thread, and TBH feel like my heart isnt in it anymore, I feel so detached.

Another thing I have, is I have developed an innapropriate crush, and when I think of this person my heart flutters, I smile, etc. Don't think like this with my partner anymore. Crush isn't helping.

It's really very hard when you quite like the person you're with...nice guy, etc, but I also dream of him having an affair so he will run off happy and I can keep my house! I would actually miss him if he went but the thought of my kids leaving home and us being together fills me with utter dread - we have nothing to say to each other.

Despite this our life is quite nice...but we always socialise with a group. I can't bear dinner a deux and I don't think it's very exciting for him either. I don't know what's going to happen....plus I have a lover...Omg life is very complicated. Or maybe i'm making it complicated.

PS mumofteens. I am feeling your position. Just wanted to let you know that. Your life is going to take the route of mine and then god knows where. Let's stay in touch

PMSL at KerryMumbles. x

My ex left to live in another location under a pretence of coming back after 2 months (her reasons were understandable - progress education that I paid for. I didn't want to be in the way of her getting the best possible result). The 2 month trip away was to taste the life of having an affair.

With in a week of her going, the house was clean and tidy (and kept that way), everything had it's place and it stated there. The mould and damp was sorted.

I was looking forward to getting in after slaving for 11 to 12 hours a day and knowing that I was getting into a predictable tidy place.

I wanted it to be over, but I didn't want to take the first step. It took me 5 months to figure out that she was having an affair.

The 2 months temporary move just grew to longer and because I was happier apart, I didn't ask the dreaded question about when she was returning.

I wonder if I am searching for something that doesn't exist?

Maybe...doesn't mean that what you have has to be enough for the rest of your life though. When were you happiest? For me it was when I was about 25, before I met DH and had a long-term steady boyfriend, great sex life, a job I enjoyed, I was studying for an OU degree, had my own flat and car and felt like I had a bright future ahead. I know I'm cynical now but I don't honestly think there has been any point in my marriage where I've felt as satisfied with my life as I did then.

It can be difficult to decide while you are in the situation because living in a loveless marriage wears you out and saps your confidence to make decisions.

I managed to go away for a "health break" - lots of yoga and healthy food, but more importantly time for me to think about what my life had really become. It made me realise that I dreaded going back - he wasn't unkind or abusive, I just dreaded the next 50 years with him (or even the next 2 years).

I left 15 years ago. Of course I had some nights when I howled with tears and sadness (my dcs were only 1 and 6) and I felt like such a failure because I couldn't make myself be in love with him. But it was the best thing I did.

My friends said that I was like the old me, my confidence returned and despite occasional sadness I felt light, and free of the daily burden of my marriage, and I was once again in control of my own finances. I still wonder why I let myself become so down-trodden.

And now? I am with ndp (long-term committed relationship) which is mutually respectful, loving, caring and humorous. Do you think think you can find that in your marriage Geisha, because you do deserve to find what we believe in.

Reading all these posts has really struck a chord with me. I am so depressed thinking about what this means for me, DH and our young children.

Sounds that there are many in the same boat.
I think I always knew it wasn't right but wanted it to be. It's taken until now to realise it's never going to be right but we have 2 dd's.

I don't know but often feel the same:
when he phones I feel irritated by his voice
when he comes home, my heart thuds to the floor,
when he tries to be nice to me, I just want him to go away, when he tries to kiss me, I just turn away.
It's been 25 years- but I am terrified of being on my own, breaking up my kids' home, and never finding anyone else- and he does love me.

I hope we ALL find the answer!

I went to see a solicitor today...felt I had to take a positive step towards finding out what I can do about the situation I'm in. He was really helpful, first thing is get my name on the house deeds (started this about 18 mths ago but DH hasn't followed it through because it takes him years to get round to anything that's not life-threatening), then tell a friend or family member so I get some rl support and make it seem real. I joked that I could e-mail all DH's friends too in case he forgot to tell them....

Once house is sorted out, next step is to arrange a time for DH and I to talk, tell him that I won't share a bed or bedroom with him any more and either he moves into the spare room or I do. And then do it no later than the next day. The separation can then become public and can be acknowledged to the children and friends and family, we can lead separate (ish) lives, and solicitor said no more nights out or holidays together.

Solicitor said that it's no wonder DH thinks we could live like this for the rest of his life, since I'm making it easy for him and trying to keep the peace. If we sleep separately, we can count as 'separated' even in the same house, and in two years I can either apply for legal separation or petition for divorce and force the sale of the house.

This is long and maybe doesn't make much sense without all the gory details...but at least I can see a path towards the future I want now. I even went to the library tonight and borrowed a book about children and divorce.