Need opinions on behaviour of soon-to-be ex friend.

[minouminou]

Hi, guys. Been wrestling with this for a while, as friend's behaviour and attitudes have been increasingly hard to tolerate, and this particular incident (which actually happened 18 months ago but has only recently come to light) is, for various reasons, a linchpin in my decision to terminate the friendship.
it was DS' naming do last July, and we'd chosen two couples to be his "odd-parents" - my oldest chum from my teens and his partner Susan (not real name), and a gay couple, who shall be known as A&J.
Now, both couples are from Manchester, although A&J are from DP's "side" as it were.
Several months before the do, I'd talked loosely and with no firm plans to local friend about her becoming a guardian to DS, as i felt at the time, as she has a DS of a similar age, both of us are quite academic etc etc it'd be a good idea.
Nothing formal was ever arranged, and the matter dropped, really, with life getting in the way, as it were, without a definite yes from friend, and no more action from DP and I.
Anyway, naming do - friend makes a beeline for Susan and starts on with this diatribe about how "You DO know that if anything happens to (minouminou and DP) it'll be me who has DS, don't you? Yes, that's right, we feel we have similar values, and with me being a (teaches in uber-posh expensive private school round here) MM feels I can give DS the kind of life he'd have if she and her DP were still alive".
Now, Susan is from a very dysfunctional family, and didn't really finish school, but she's not thick, values education and ambition, and hasn't done too badly for herself at all, plus, more importantly, she's a real generous soul.
She was really upset by this, but didn't say anything until DS' birthday party last oct, when "friend" played a blinder.
She pulled her up (incorrectly, I might add) on the pronunciation of DS' name, picked on her grammar, told her off for looking as if she was about to spark up a cigarette (she wasn't, she was fiddling with her rollie tin), and said the world's most patronising thing ever when Susan and her partner did decamp for a shifty fag round the back.....
"Ooooh, having a sneaky fag, eh? We've all got our vices, haven't we? Mine's (subject she teaches - it's one of the arts), I just love it".
Poor Susan had to keep removing herself from the situation before she lost her rag and ruined the day, and i only really found out about this after the party had ended.
However, I was subject to some grief from her too - snipey little digs about just about everything, DP came in for some about his cutting of DS' cake, there was a sotto voce grumble about his use of the word "serviette" which went (can't be 100% sure, as it was more to herself than to anyone else) "Well, I suppose some people DO say that, don't they?".
Background - she's an old friend from university (17 years' standing), and we've lived in her home city for 11 years now, Susan and partner are from near manchester, I've been friends with him for over 20 years, A&J are family chums from way back when - we see each other as relatives, really.
"Friend didn't say anything about the guardianship to A&J, and actually, hasn't mentioned it to me since it was first touted, getting on for 2 years ago.
There's lots more, really, but this is the crowning incident - just after opinions and insights.
Thanks in advance, guys.

If she is a really good friend of yours, then I would have a 'chat' about the way she is behaving and tell her it is not nice to be so snobby and patronising.

If you are not really that bothered about keeping the friendship, then I would just not phone her/arrange to meet. If she wants to meet, make an excuse or meet her on the odd occasion.

Do you think she feels upset that she wasn't chosen as a 'odd-parent'?

She obviously considers herself very highly and better than Susan and her husband. Some people can't help but belittle others.

I think that she has behaved very badly. The sniping and snide remarks to Susan in particular - its effectively criticising your choice of friend. If she doesn't like some of your friends, that's fine, she doesn't have to invite them to her house - but she should be civil to them in your house (unless they are clearly doing something that is detrimental to either you or your lo). I think, on the information you have given, that you've made the right decision. However, is it worth discussing this with your friend first. It may be that she needs some help?

She sounds like a total snob, and not a very nice person. I feel very sorry for your friend Susan, who you obviously think has great values and would be a great influence on your Ds's life.

I can't stand such unbearable snobbery. The only person who loses out is her, since she obviously classes so many people beneath her, and will never get to know them.

You will be better off without her

yikes
she sounds a bit like she has come over all hyacinth bouquet

was she being deliberatley mean or just spectaculalry insensitive?

my bet would be jealousy re oddparents thing

think back though about why you are friends in the first place, you must like some things about her, are those things still there and still worth it?

Thanks, pudding. At the mo, i'm doing the "distancing" thing - the "chat" will not work, believe me - she'll fly right off the handle, and it'll be everyone else's misinterpretation of her and her "values" at fault.
Leoleo - there may be an element of "oddparent" envy, yes, but DP and i aren't her DS' godparents or anything, and she's chosen other people to be his guardian, and i haven't given it a thought - people have their reasons for choosing guardians, and you can't take them personally, IYSWIM.

Thinking back, she never was like this, but has become more and more so over the past few years.
She's increasingly judgemental and controlling, and over Xmas pulled another chum up for letting his DS (25 months old) wander around our (shoebox) flat unaccompanied.
Of course, had he wandered into the room with the pool of acid, swimming with fire-breathing sharks.......... .

I wonder the same, mistlethrush - if she needs some help - but i think if she does, it's beyond anything I can provide.
The other thing is, she will become very unpleasant if this is pointed out to her, and at 27 weeks pregnant, self-employed and bleedin' knackered.........
Furthermore, I feel that this is just the way her personality is going, and that it's time to call time.

she sounds totally up her own arse. well, you could similarly be judgmental back to her but do you want to stoop to her level?

i'd just do the distancing thing, but if she asks you what's up, tell it to her straight.

I'm one of the least judgemental people going - until i get a whiff of snobbery, then i'm all over it.

but surely she was under the impression that she was more than likely going to be a guardian or god type parent?

Possibly, piratecat, but she never gave a definite yes to the guardian business, and people don't choose godparents just because of their friendship, it's the relationship between the child and the godparent
also, i don't think not being chosen merits such behaviour

her behaviour is rubbish yes. i just thought she may be playing up moreso, becuase she is angry?

I think you're right, but she didn't say a word to A&J about it - she's just focussed on Susan, who she clearly deems inferior - as, sadly, she deems most people

also, you can't GET angry about these things....i just don't understand it

sounds awful

I'm the same as min
Totally the least judgemental person going if i can possibly help it.. however, your friend seems to me to have the knack of being 'spectacularly insensitive' as another poster put it.. Honestly i think thats all it was... genuine to goodness tactlessness.

I applaud your mate susan who should be handed a medal in my book, and she obviously waited till the time was right for YOU and not herself before she raised this with you.. what a good friend, and IMHO a brilliant choice of 'odd-parent' for your DS.

I would definately tell your friend she is a tactless cow. I wouldn't care if she flew off the handle. A real friend would maybe fly round the room a few times, but then they would sit and think. If she is not that kind of person, AND she upsets you/your other friends, maybe she is just not worth having in your life.

I know i'm sounding callous but i have some very good friends that i see in the same way as your friend susan, one in particular who is upfront about everything, not in a way where she tramples all over your feelings, but she is honest and open about things, i much prefer this friend to any other. At least i know where i stand with her, no sniping behind my back for this one lol. And i know if someone else had owt bad to say about me, she would give them the same..
If you can't be open with your other friend about her behaviour, then she is not a true friend, better off doing the distancing thing you're doing but i would at least give some consideration to telling her WHY.. that way you might (although i doubt it) give her the chance to review how she deals with other people and stop her doing it again.

Just put wads of cotton in your ears and tell her

and really, looking back, she just wasn't all that bothered about being guardian, which was why i let the subject drop, really
since then, DP and I have decided on different people, who have said a definite yes (although it was with the proviso "just try even harder not to die, now"!)
this couple is a joint decision, as it was just me approaching friend, and DP wasn't 100% about her
It will be a sticking point in this thread, and i do take responsibility for asking her - mainly on impulse

Re guardinaship, you need to talk to your DH, decide on who ask them and then get that wriiten down, preferably in a will, lodged with a solicitor.

And she sounds awful, sorry.

I owuold imagine that something has happened in her life to make her bitter and unhappy (perhaps she hasn't had the success she expected in her career, or her marriage is crap, whatever) so the only way she has of making herself feel better is to remind everyone else at the top of her voice that she is MIDDLE CLASS dammit. Poor silly cow. It is worth telling her that she's going to lose all her friends if she carries on, if she's been a good mate in the past. If you approach it as 'Are you miserable about something? Is that what's making you act like such a twat to all my friends?' (er, maybe more politely than that, even) she might burst into tears and vow to do better. Or she might flounce. Either way you will have done your best.

she sounds like an arse. but i can't believe this is a new realisation. surely her personality hasn't altered overnight.

how have you remained friends for so long?

no worries, 5gomad - all done and dusted
her husband ran off a few years ago (DP did make jokes about him being under the patio, but he's not), and i think life has been a disappointment to her, but she's hardly alone in that, and she has a lot of family support
it's not a sudden realisation, her behaviour has ratcheted up to intolerable levels, is all
although, thinking back, friends of long-standing have cut her out before, but i've always thought it was them being weird

Hi, guys, update.
Ran into this person today - i've been doing the distancing thing, and she was onto me.
She "got" me outside a shop and asked what was wrong, so I said I simply couldn't be her friend anymore.
I said "I feel we've both changed too much, I can't be your friend anymore".
I didn't really get chance to say much else, as she was instantly (verbatim as far as i can remember) "That's fine - at least you're being upfront. That's fine, I've got lots of friends, and I've got a new bloke. Your DP's a lovely guy, and your DS is lovely too, and good luck with the new baby"
I kinda interjected with "I was going to send you a more formal letter, but it was hard knowing what to say"
"That's fine, I've got lots of friends - I haven't changed at all, DP (mine) is a lovely bloke, and DS (mine) is lovely, I've got lots of friends - this is just what you do to people".
I managed to say "Oh great, hpoe it goes well" re new bloke, and that I didn't have any ill-will, but didn't manage to get much in edgeways, really.
She also said "I suppose it's hormones, making you feel weird", to which i replied "I'm afraid this pre-dates the pregnancy" - she didn't like this at all, which was when i got the "this is what you do to people" thing.
This, I assume, refers to 2 close, long-term friendships I've ended since 2003, one due to repeated bad behaviour towards DP, and another due to a male friend of both me and DP trying to have his way with me.
The 1st was ended after some soul-searching, the second very abruptly, as you can imagine.
Anyway - thoughts?
I know I've handled this badly, but as her words today have shown, she wouldn't have accepted any criticism.
I feel relieved, but a bit sad, as I do feel it's a sad scenario, but mainly I'm glad she's gone.

Sounds like it's ended as well as it was ever likely to. You've stated your position, and she's tried to save face by maintaining it's "what you do to people." Fine. Let her have that.
Move on and concentrate on your other friends.

Oddly enough, Clam, as I was walking away from the scene, I thought "I'll let her have that". I didn't question or challenge the statement, and I'm glad I squeezed in best wishes for the new bloke.