Need opinions on behaviour of soon-to-be ex friend.

[minouminou]

Hi, guys. Been wrestling with this for a while, as friend's behaviour and attitudes have been increasingly hard to tolerate, and this particular incident (which actually happened 18 months ago but has only recently come to light) is, for various reasons, a linchpin in my decision to terminate the friendship.
it was DS' naming do last July, and we'd chosen two couples to be his "odd-parents" - my oldest chum from my teens and his partner Susan (not real name), and a gay couple, who shall be known as A&J.
Now, both couples are from Manchester, although A&J are from DP's "side" as it were.
Several months before the do, I'd talked loosely and with no firm plans to local friend about her becoming a guardian to DS, as i felt at the time, as she has a DS of a similar age, both of us are quite academic etc etc it'd be a good idea.
Nothing formal was ever arranged, and the matter dropped, really, with life getting in the way, as it were, without a definite yes from friend, and no more action from DP and I.
Anyway, naming do - friend makes a beeline for Susan and starts on with this diatribe about how "You DO know that if anything happens to (minouminou and DP) it'll be me who has DS, don't you? Yes, that's right, we feel we have similar values, and with me being a (teaches in uber-posh expensive private school round here) MM feels I can give DS the kind of life he'd have if she and her DP were still alive".
Now, Susan is from a very dysfunctional family, and didn't really finish school, but she's not thick, values education and ambition, and hasn't done too badly for herself at all, plus, more importantly, she's a real generous soul.
She was really upset by this, but didn't say anything until DS' birthday party last oct, when "friend" played a blinder.
She pulled her up (incorrectly, I might add) on the pronunciation of DS' name, picked on her grammar, told her off for looking as if she was about to spark up a cigarette (she wasn't, she was fiddling with her rollie tin), and said the world's most patronising thing ever when Susan and her partner did decamp for a shifty fag round the back.....
"Ooooh, having a sneaky fag, eh? We've all got our vices, haven't we? Mine's (subject she teaches - it's one of the arts), I just love it".
Poor Susan had to keep removing herself from the situation before she lost her rag and ruined the day, and i only really found out about this after the party had ended.
However, I was subject to some grief from her too - snipey little digs about just about everything, DP came in for some about his cutting of DS' cake, there was a sotto voce grumble about his use of the word "serviette" which went (can't be 100% sure, as it was more to herself than to anyone else) "Well, I suppose some people DO say that, don't they?".
Background - she's an old friend from university (17 years' standing), and we've lived in her home city for 11 years now, Susan and partner are from near manchester, I've been friends with him for over 20 years, A&J are family chums from way back when - we see each other as relatives, really.
"Friend didn't say anything about the guardianship to A&J, and actually, hasn't mentioned it to me since it was first touted, getting on for 2 years ago.
There's lots more, really, but this is the crowning incident - just after opinions and insights.
Thanks in advance, guys.

Horrible to know that you are being talked about unfairly behind your back, I agree.

If you are moving away tout suite and can cut her out of your life cleanly I would ignore. If your children are going to go to school together in the same year and you will see her regularly I would make one last attempt to agree to disagree politely.

x post.

I know that's right, guys, but it will be very hard to do.
DS won't be going until next sept, but if we're not sold by this Nov, then we'll be staying around here. I think I'll let it lie fallow until nearer the time and then see if she's still bugging us. If she's not, then I shall do my "polite but distant" thing which she should recognise.
The whole thing has just been distressing, and I absolutely LOATHE 2-facedness, I mean, really loathe it. It's summary dismissal for me, I'm afraid. The odd "oooh, she's annoying me at the mo", or "god, does he ever shut up?" etc etc doesn't bother me, but such intense, personal things as she's been coming out with, all the while, nah.
It's the worst of both worlds, you get it said condescendingly TO your face, and scornfully behind your back.

i think i would make it very clear to the school the relationship between you two just so they can be prepared for any comments by her. I would also ensure the class teacher is very clear about the fact that she is not allowed to pick your child up from school. (a friend of mine had a near miss at their child's school with an ex-friend. All was fine as she was stopped and police were called and she was sectioned!!)

I am not sure if she is unhinged or just hurt and confused, or maybe a combination of both.

IMO you may not like it but it would be better, especially with your "tarred by the mad brush" comment to make the effort to be polite, civil, normal. Force yourself to smile and say hi and bye, but don't get drawn into conversation at all. Cutting her dead fuels her flames as much as writing to her or otherwise initiating contact would, perhaps more.

i feel for you;although not to the same extent by any means,i have recently had an unsettling relationship with a previously close friend and it comes mainly down to feeling regected. she couldn't let it go then as her behaviour changed i found that i couldn't either-same social circle,everyone else is fine but us just contantly getting on eachothers nerves;like i said not the same but in your case she was obviously deeply hurt by everything and is dealing with it badly but dare i say it you have not dealt with this well and i recognise the all consuming preoccupation you hvae with it...wipe the slate clean,meet up try and talk it over while realising it can never be the same again but you both need to shake this off. slowly i am finding a resolution with my friend. it is sad when things like this happen but it does not need to end in a restraining order!

It'sGrace; Are you missing the fact that Minouminou tried to cut contact with the woman over a year ago and is still being harassed by her? A year is a long time to have someone badmouthing you and simultaneously pushing for contact with you.
OK the woman may be needy and insecure, boo fucking hoo, that doesn;t mean Minou owes her anything.
Minou, as others have said, it's worth mentioning to teachers etc that this woman has a problem with you and a record of making accusations (if she has been saying things to nursery staff about you with no foundation it is actually slander).
Ignore her as much as possible, but if she carries on, it probably will need you to say, 'X, please leave us alone and stop talking about us or we will take legal action for harassment.'
Because no one is entitled to any kind of relationship with another person against that person's wishes.

Hi Minouminou,
I agree with SGB and suggest adding to her quote of

'X, please leave us alone and stop talking about us or we will take legal action for harassment.'

with a simply stated, "use someone else".

It sounds to me as though xfriend is not so much a snob but could have a kind of superiority complex and depends on having 'subordinates' around her to supply her emotional needs. She disrespects, degrades and dismisses people (formerly known as 'her friends') to make a perception that they are inferior.

My sister does this and finally got around to me. I've had to set severe contact boundaries and she has moved on to someone else, thankfully.

Your xfriend is jealous of your family and her communications to your dh really tips her hand. Your dh should step up and tell her flat out that she would never have a chance with him whether he was married or not.

Good luck.

Some really great advice here, thanks a million, guys.
Do you know what, it didn't even occur to me that I might need to talk to the school head - do you really think so? I'm hoping it'll be over and done with by next Sept.
Prob is, she's from a family of private teachers in this area, and has taught at a few of the uber-posh schools here, and is in with the school secretary etc etc, whereas I'm a scruffy bugger with a DS who looks like Tim Minchin, and I got tutted at by the shopkeeper for buying Viz the other day .
Too many....she's not interested in DP in THAT way....just that she seems to feel, as SGB pointed out, that she's entitled to be in our lives.
She was engaged a good few years back, and we're friends with her ex. He broke it off - quite decently (wrote to her parents to say it was off etc etc), and she started a phone campaign - she phoned his mum loads, claiming to be "concerned" about her, as she had such a dreadful son.
It went on for ages, and she just wouldn't leave the issue alone.
I'm gonna re-read all your posts and have a good think.
Again, many thanks, everyone, and I'll keep you posted.

Yes, I think I got sidetracked by all the argy-bargy about naming ceremonies, snobbery and suchlike. If you want to stop being friends with anybody you don't need a reason. No-one is entitled to force themselves on others. Thanks for the poke, SGB.