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Relationships

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Original poster

My DH is having an affair, I think he has depression

75 replies

nbird1 · 14/01/2009 13:46

Hi, I'm new on here and have a dilemma. I found out over Christmas and New year that my husband of 18 months (together 10 years, 2 kids aged 8 and 3)has been having an affair with a woman he works with since October. She has two kids aged 16 and 9. The problem is not so much the fact he has been seeing someone else, its the fact that I truly believe he has been suffering from depression which has made him act the way he has. People with depression turn to different things don't they? drink, drugs, gambling etc. In his case its sex. I am trying my best to get him to see his GP, or counselling - he has no family close by or is 'matey' with blokes he works with to chat to about anything. I've booked an appt with Relate for next Monday, one minute he says he will come, then next he won't. Says he loves me, but whether or not he loves me enough. Doesn't know if he loves OW. He' lost weight, sleeps an awful lot more than he used to and is irrational and over-irritable about everything. I'm the bad guy and he blames me for everything going wrong (easier to hate me than feel guilty?)

We started life together as the result of an affair, and he left his wife (2 kids 8 and 3!)for me. He knows exactly how destructive this all is, yet in my case I have said I will move back up North if he choses her. He says he doesn't want to move in with her, but can't afford to move out to a place of his own. Feel like I'm livng a car crash at the mo, any help pls??

OP posts:

Lauriefairycake · 14/01/2009 13:50

What about you - what do you want?

Original poster

nbird1 · 14/01/2009 13:55

I want to try and make a go of our marriage. I still love the bugger, and have offered my total support and love. Part of me gets impatient when he changes his mind constantly, the mood swings are intolerable. The atmosphere at home isn't great, and of course, I want whats best for the kids. I can't stay in Kent if he doesn't want the marriage to work. Is he having a midlife crisis? Problems is, while he is depressed, he can't think rationally and doesn't believe me when I tell him that I still love him and want us to work at it. He's 50 now, already paid maintenance for 10 years, now he has the prospect of paying it for another 15!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 14/01/2009 13:55

Being depressed doesn't excuse behaviour like this. When you're depressed and you're a responsible, mature adult who has respect for their spouse and family, you go and get help for the depression, not have an affair.

I am depressed. I turned to alcohol and cigarettes. I stopped becasue it was dumb f*cking nowhere shit and was going to cause damage to my spouse, my famile and to me.

Don't bother trying to get him to a GP or counselor. That's his lookout.

Get yourself to a counselor and try to figure out why you think it's okay to participate in behaviour like this with people like this and why you think it's something that's acceptable to put up with.

expatinscotland · 14/01/2009 13:57

Your marriage is OVER. Why? Because he is doing nothing to save it. Get that through your head before you screw your kids up even more than they're already going to be.

Sorry to be harsh, but the truth isn't very pretty sometimes.

Original poster

nbird1 · 14/01/2009 13:57

He also admitted last night that he was hoping it was something he could just have got out of his system. I think he's lost control over all aspects of his life at the mo, and want him to get well.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 14/01/2009 13:59

He left his other wife and kids for an affair. Now he's doing it again with you. How many times does he have to do it before he gets it out of his system?

Original poster

nbird1 · 14/01/2009 14:02

I think deep down that I want to be seen to have tried everything to save the marriage before we split. I am quietly in the background trying to get schools and work sorted back home, if it takes several months then so be it. I don't want to uproot the kids and take them away with nothing being sorted out. Not really one to give up without a fight, but won't jump without a parachute!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 14/01/2009 14:03

Well, best of luck to you, because he's not listening to you.

HolyGuacamole · 14/01/2009 14:08

If he could afford it, would he move out? Could part of him staying be that he has already left a wife and 2 kids to be with you, and he doesn't want to leave another wife (ie, you) and 2 kids to go to the OW who also has 2 kids. What a messy situation he has created for you and your family. I worry that he is using you as a stop gap until he decides what he wants - because he knows he can.

I don't think depression is a reason or an excuse for having an affair. Him not wanting to go to Relate sounds like he feels he does not really have to make effort to sort this out. If he wanted to save your marriage, I am sure he would be begging you and agreeing to anything to keep you?

Sorry to be harsh, I just feel that hiding this problem behind depression is not helping. It is giving him an excuse not to take action.

Sorry you are having to go through this

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 14/01/2009 14:09

SOrting out the practicalities quietly is a good thing - if a partner is not violent or abusive then you might as well take your leave in a lieusurely and sensible fashion. But to make your marriage 'work' means accepting that your husband is not monogamous and is not going to be. Can you live with that? TBH as Expat says, he will probably leave anyway as he is clearly of the mindset 'dump one family and move on to another one'.
Whatever you do next, prioritze your interests and the chidren's he can look after himself.

Lulumama · 14/01/2009 14:10

agree with expat

he still made a choice

he did not accidentally have a relationship with someone else

how did you find out?

he does not love you , if he did , truly, he would not be doing this

he is simply letting history repeat itself

best to think of yourself and your children and your needs now and what you want

MorrisZapp · 14/01/2009 14:11

I agree with HG.

Original poster

nbird1 · 14/01/2009 14:12

Seems not at the mo does it. Was just wondering if any1 else's DH had gone off the rails through depression and they'd worked through things? Depression makes you act and think irrationally. He acknowleges the situations is dire, and knows how bad things will be in the future, but can't make any kind of decision yet. How long is long enough to wait to see if he really is ill, or just an adulterous so and so.

OP posts:

SwedesInACape · 14/01/2009 14:13

Sorry to hear this. It can't be nice feeling that history is repeating itself this time with you on the other side of the fence. Leaving a wife, an eight year old an three year old is a mistake anyone could make. Repeating that scenario almost to the letter is careless.

If I were you I would accept the truth in front of you. He doesn't seem to be the sort of person who can maintain a relationship for long before going looking for something else. Do you want to be with someone like that? If no - is he going to change as he is the only person who can change him?

skramblenotdieting · 14/01/2009 14:14

When I found out my exH was having an affair and was leaving me I decided he was mentaly unstable, depressed, stresses and was having a mid life crisis. She was 20 something, blonde and slim.

But the reality is he left me for her, he is still with her after a year and I am SOOOOOO glad I didn't persude him to come back. He is an arse whatever his reasons are for leaving me.

As it is after a year she now looks older than me, is heavier than me and her nice blond hair has had a dodgy two tone job done on it. And I am blossoming and have a NM , so good luck to him and his mid life crisis.

Lauriefairycake · 14/01/2009 14:14

Of course he's depressed, he's found himself trapped into repeating the same behaviours.

You are enabling his behaviour and he has tacit permission to do what he wants to you

Don't bother trying to get him to see a therapist (I'm a therapist) - it's something you actually have to want for yourself.

SwedesInACape · 14/01/2009 14:16

It sounds as though you are using depression to remove him from responsibility for his unfaithfulness. I know lots of depressed people who don't cheat on their partners.

Lulumama · 14/01/2009 14:17

but he has done it twice !

i have been terribly depressed, i was in no fit state to be with someone else, i still knew what i was doing ,and was sentient enough to know that an affair would be damaging.

he has destroyed his first marraige,. now he has destroyed his second

he will probably destroy a third

he needs help regardless of depression if he deals with stress by sleeping with someone other than his spouse

do you think this is the first time he has been unfaithful to you

HolyGuacamole · 14/01/2009 14:19

I don't think you can put a time limit on it unless you want to. Do you want to risk another 6 months or a year and still be in the same situation at the end of it? I'd tend to shock him into some kind of action by asking him to leave immediately, but that's because I am hugely impatient and everyone is different. Maybe you could give him a week and attach some terms and conditions to it. "If you don't do this thing within one week, then you need to move out" sort of thing?

The most important thing is to sort yourself out, get some good support behind you and don't let your kids see this situation going on for too long.

Original poster

nbird1 · 14/01/2009 14:19

One of the (many) talks/arguments has been about him moving out. Basically, no he can't afford to move out. I'm just really confused because everything he has done has been really out of character. My first suspicion was when his mobile never left his pocket when he would normally leave it on the side and I would answer it if it rang etc. Then he left his bank statements unopened. I opened one 'in error' then Googled everything on there that looked odd and checked times and dates of the transaction to see whether or not he said he was working. Miss Marple I know.

Some of his behaviour was so odd I think he wanted to be caught out so everything was out in the open. Affairs aren't quite so special when they're not so secretive are they?

OP posts:

moonincancer · 14/01/2009 14:21

you say hes depressed...this story is very similar to a friends, who is a manic depressive. get info, get help.

LiffeyKidman · 14/01/2009 14:22

I agree that depression doesn't make it all ok.

If he won't recognise that depression is what's causing him to undervalue his family and to disrespect you and hurt you, then there might as well be NO reason at all.

I know you want to save the marriage because you love him, but I think you should think about kicking him out for 5 wks with NO contact at all.

Give him time to see more clearly what he wants and what he'd be missing. And you spend that time assessing if life without him would be so very terrible. Adjustment is hard, but what comes afterwards can be better.

If after 4 weeks, he says to you that he has decided he doesn't want to lose you, then he must agree to give her up completely and go to the gp and start treatment for depression.

Even if HE doesn't admit that he has depression he should still go to the gp to talk about things because his wife, who he has decided he does NOT want to lose, wants him to go.

SwedesInACape · 14/01/2009 14:23

nbird1 - I don't think affairs can ever really be very special. At least one of the parties surely feels if not thoroughly ashamed, sullied by the deceit?

skramblenotdieting · 14/01/2009 14:25

My exH "let" me find out he had be having it away with someone else, he paid for things like meals and cinema with our joint account card, perhaps he didn't think I would find out about that as I didn't use that account.

Sorry but of course it will look out of charactor, but really to be honest thats all because he is having an affair not because he is a manic depressive.

Original poster

nbird1 · 14/01/2009 14:26

Sorry, I said in my last post 'out of character'. Sounds stupid now, he's done it before, so its not exactly out of character is it! We have had a holiday booked to Centerparcs in a couple of weeks time and I'm going with the kids regardless. By God they need the break from the atmosphere.

How long did other wives/partners give their fellas to make up their mind?

OP posts:

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