My DH is having an affair, I think he has depression

[nbird1]

Hi, I'm new on here and have a dilemma. I found out over Christmas and New year that my husband of 18 months (together 10 years, 2 kids aged 8 and 3)has been having an affair with a woman he works with since October. She has two kids aged 16 and 9. The problem is not so much the fact he has been seeing someone else, its the fact that I truly believe he has been suffering from depression which has made him act the way he has. People with depression turn to different things don't they? drink, drugs, gambling etc. In his case its sex. I am trying my best to get him to see his GP, or counselling - he has no family close by or is 'matey' with blokes he works with to chat to about anything. I've booked an appt with Relate for next Monday, one minute he says he will come, then next he won't. Says he loves me, but whether or not he loves me enough. Doesn't know if he loves OW. He' lost weight, sleeps an awful lot more than he used to and is irrational and over-irritable about everything. I'm the bad guy and he blames me for everything going wrong (easier to hate me than feel guilty?)

We started life together as the result of an affair, and he left his wife (2 kids 8 and 3!)for me. He knows exactly how destructive this all is, yet in my case I have said I will move back up North if he choses her. He says he doesn't want to move in with her, but can't afford to move out to a place of his own. Feel like I'm livng a car crash at the mo, any help pls??

He is blaming you? How can any of this possibly be your fault?

If he is suffering from depression then this is a medical/health thing and not something which can have been brought on by you.

Has he moved to another room? Have you been tested for STIs?

If exH had decided to make a go of it with me that week I might have been daft enough to try it but, a week into it I knew it was over and it would be stupid to try again, not that he ever wanted to.

Oh god, I was a total idiot. Gave my ex-h 12 weeks to make up his mind (I frankly went slightly crazy in that time). I then strapped on a pair and moved out.

If I had to do it again I would be gone by the end of the day but I'm nearly a decade older and wiser.

The conversation would also go something like this.

"Do you want to stay in this marriage and are you willing to do x, y, z to sort it out"

If he didn't make a move to xyz I would be gone like the wind.

nbird1 I think it should be you making up your mind. Do you want to go on with a life with someone who places no value on your marriage?

Nbird - I had a close friend who suffered from depression and who would have affairs too. He saw them as positive relationships and couldn't work out for himself that after a short boost, they made his depression worse, and made him less able to make sensible decisions about himself and those around him.

He moved from one relationship to another. He had therapy, but it allowed him to keep reflecting on his own feelings and he never did commit to one relationship. It was only when the women in his life made the decisions for him, that he finally settled down. In his case the OW ditched him and his wife accepted him back on a final warning - ever again and she was off too. It worked for him - perhaps he was unable to be grownup enough to ever make that commitment himself, but could function within the boundaries that they were prepared to set him. He was a lovely person and as far as I know - we have lost touch now - they were able to make things work for them, on those terms.

That should have read - he was a lovely person in lots of ways - one obvious exception!

It's all about him, and how he can spice up his life.

What about you. You need to let him know that he's an emotional drain on you. His depression is a burden and a worry and that you are considering whether or not you want to continue the relationship.

Don't give him all the power. YOU have the choice. You don't have to accept his mid-life self-indulgent nonsense.

sorry "out of character" - dear it is totally in character isnt it
he is depressed because he has been caught, has fucked up....again, messed HIS life up....again...he shows no concern for either you or any of his children clearly!
But hey ho its your life

No, he's not in another room, not got a spare one. Sometimes he's more receptive to 'talking' when we are ready to settle for the night. Tends to be the time when he is less likely to argue the toss. I've looked on websites to do with depression and affairs etc, and he seems to be displaying a lot of the same traits. He knows I will not be blamed for his behaviour so he sinks to name-calling - that doesn't hurt either. I think by forcing him to admit his guilt is a harder emotion for him to deal with, so he's more reluctant to meet me half way. And yes I've been checked out downstairs too. Going to get my eldest from school now. Will be back later. Thanks so much for all your words of advice so far!!

BTW was he depressed when he did it last time?? I guess he told you it was all his exW fault then did he?? Wonder what he's telling the OW this time??

By the sounds of it, if he weren't behaving like this, you'd be happy. So, if he's not happy then what does he expect you to do? Fix it? fix him?

Reading between the lines, you'd be capable of being happy if things were steady and ok and secure and normal.. If this isn't enough for him, then that's not something you can fix. It's not your responsibility to try and bend over backwards to make his ordinary life superspectacular. He has to accept his own life.

He calls YOU names!!!???? That's verbal abuse. My x did this too. He was another class of arse, but I never tried to fix things once it got to that point. I just quietly planned my new life.

forgive me if I am misunderstanding the term "depression"

when you are depressed, you do not function well as far as I understand, mentally, emotionally and physically

it sounds like he is funtioning at a pretty high level, to be able to instigate, maintain and, for some time anyway, hide an affair

this is serial adultery, not depression

but, I'm not a psychiatrist, and neither are you nbird1, but you are not doing the right thing to want to "help" him and "understand" him

kick him to the kerb, and see if by his actions he can even be bothered to fight for you and your family, or if he will move on to the next car-crash where the OW will sympathise and protect him from his own self-destruction (for a while anyway, till he does it to her)

I feel sorry for you

I don't think he has the right to decide what he wants tbh.

Not sure why you are trying to find explanations for his behavior?

I think it is normal to look for explanations, to be in denial at first, I certainly was. I imagined exH to be a poor soul that just needed to get sorted out. All his chat of needing space and time to himself, wanting his own place just fueled my beliefs at first. The fact that he moved straight in with his GF who still lives with her mum kind of went against the whole needing space thing, guess he just needed a shag then.

Back now. Taking all advice on board (what a lot!!). Having never had it happen to me before, I suppose there's a whole host of emotions that are going to hit me like a bullet. At present it must be the 'try to find an explanation' emotion. Last night I was pretty much all cried out and started to feel angry towards him. What's next?

Obviously I'm not the only one this has happened to, and its great to see life goes on afterwards too. I know he's hurt me deeply and I acknowlege that this is totally unacceptable behaviour. I shall carry on rebuilding my life 'behind the scenes' and unveil it when I can drop it on him like a ton of bricks. I might just enjoy leaving empty wardrobes and a note on the kitchen table....

My children are paramount in all this, and shall do everything in my power to make the transition from down here to up there as smooth as possible. Easier said than done I know. As I said to him, "each time you kiss her, you are a step nearer to kissing your kids goodbye."

Yes, I want my kids to know their dad, and for him to be a part of their lives, but if my head's a shed because of all this, then that's not good for them. Time to concentrate on me, so I can be a good mum to them.

Thanks everyone. I shall keep you posted. x

Well now you know how it feels to be the wife that has been cheated on - he sounds like a serial adulterer - wonder if he acted like this to put the blame onto his first wife when you two got together.

This is not your fault although I can't help feeling sorry for you, you knew he was capable of this from the outset!

Sorry but shagging someone else to me isn;t ablout depression it's about wanting to shag someone else!

Firstly he will never make a choice until he HAS to and at the moment he can still have both of you - he is still living with you and certainly telling the ow he is only there in the awful atmosphere until he can afford to move out!!
He may well be feeling down - but he is not depressed, but it is easier for you both to say that than accept he is just someone who will always need 'a bit on the side'

As for the emotions he will string you along saying just enough to keep you feeling sorry for him, all the time your self-esteem will be getting lower and lower and you will feel you are fighting for your marriage alone, he will be sad and sullen (which he will tell you is because he feels shit about what he has done - but it is because he has been found out). You will feel sorry for him and feel a bit better because you are his savior.

It will either end when the ow finally has enough of him and so by default you win or you kick him out and mean it.

The only good outcome is if he truly truly does want to change and is willing to do everything and anything to fix this mess. He will need to have therapy - as he repeated the same pattern again, and he will do everything to make you feel you are so special and worth fighting for.

My h dithered about for about 2 months - i finally got the strengh to see a solicitor and was ready to move onto my new life which i was doing.
My h then realised just what he was losing and has since then put in so much effort and done everything humanly possible to mend our marriage.
We have had holidays away without children, i have had new rings, and masses of flowers.
2 years on and my h is still making all the effort.

And i feel he really has proved to me that I am the one.

Marriages can be better in some ways but you do both need to want that.
I know i would never give him another chance again and the locks would be changed if i ever got to that place again - i would not put myself through even a day of that rollercoaster again.

Anyway - hope it works the way you want it too.

From experience - it isn't depression it is an overwhelming feeling of guilt that he is trying to shift onto your shoulders. Very common

My h is still claiming he is "depressed" 14 months after I found out about the affair. I think they hide behind that so it is harder for us to make them make a decision.

How long this phase will last for you is anyone's guess. You cant make him attend a counsellor or doctor, he must want to do it.

He probably wants you to make the decision.
My h was like this.

Nbird: whether or not he's depressed is his problem, not yours. Living with a depressive is draining anyway - living with a depressive who expects you to make your life revolve around him and wait patiently while he has sex elsewhere and then comes whining to you about how 'confused' he is is a miserable waste of your time. He doesn't appear to give a toss about your feelings, needs or wishes, so there is really NO POINT AT ALL in trying to 'work' on the relationship. He isn't putting any effort into it, is he?
Tell him he has to move out - or, if when you have checked your legal position and made sure that you won't lose rights in the family home by leaving, then take the DC and go elsewhere for a bit.
IN the meantime though, don't service him domestically once you have told him the relationship is over. WHy should you cook, clean and launder for someone who regards you as a convenient appliance and not a person?

solid gold has nailed it.

The country is littered with shocked wives who found their hubby's affair to be out of character.

Of course it's out of character, if it was in his character you'd have ditched him by now.

Please don't be yet another MNer who works on her relationship alone while that other half of the relationship does feck all to improve the situation.