Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

My DH is having an affair, I think he has depression

75 replies

nbird1 · 14/01/2009 13:46

Hi, I'm new on here and have a dilemma. I found out over Christmas and New year that my husband of 18 months (together 10 years, 2 kids aged 8 and 3)has been having an affair with a woman he works with since October. She has two kids aged 16 and 9. The problem is not so much the fact he has been seeing someone else, its the fact that I truly believe he has been suffering from depression which has made him act the way he has. People with depression turn to different things don't they? drink, drugs, gambling etc. In his case its sex. I am trying my best to get him to see his GP, or counselling - he has no family close by or is 'matey' with blokes he works with to chat to about anything. I've booked an appt with Relate for next Monday, one minute he says he will come, then next he won't. Says he loves me, but whether or not he loves me enough. Doesn't know if he loves OW. He' lost weight, sleeps an awful lot more than he used to and is irrational and over-irritable about everything. I'm the bad guy and he blames me for everything going wrong (easier to hate me than feel guilty?)

We started life together as the result of an affair, and he left his wife (2 kids 8 and 3!)for me. He knows exactly how destructive this all is, yet in my case I have said I will move back up North if he choses her. He says he doesn't want to move in with her, but can't afford to move out to a place of his own. Feel like I'm livng a car crash at the mo, any help pls??

OP posts:

annaje · 14/01/2009 17:03

One a cheater, always a cheater. He did it the first time with you and now he has done it to you - I doubt this will be the last time. If it is depression, then he needs to sort it out, otherwise you need to move on, it sounds far too destructive.

LiffeyKidman · 14/01/2009 17:08

Copy what solid said there onto a note when you DO leave him!!

But on a less critical note, I do understand how hard it is to leave the instant the scales fall from your eyes. I stayed for about 19 months after I knew my x was beyond redemption for a couple of reasons. I knew I couldn't get my dc1 into a new school until the following september, and I needed time to be 100% that I would never have a tiny regret. I do not.

Please don't be afraid of starting again.

abedelia · 14/01/2009 17:19

To do it once to a family MAY be excusable if not forgivable, but I'm afraid that a repeat performance suggests that this is very much in character. I thought my H was depressed while he was having an affair because he was behaving like this - actually it was all about emotionally avoiding me to prevent him being 'unfaithful' to her. Nothing focuses their mind like being told to get out and stand on their own two feet - it gives them a taste of what life will be like if they decide to follow their balls not their family. It will also prove to you that you can look after your family on your own so you don't really need him as much as you think.

karmaatwork · 14/01/2009 17:22

A case of what goes around comes around if you ask me, the only victims here are the children.

LiffeyKidman · 14/01/2009 17:32

That makes sense abdelia. Dehumanising you so to speak. Refusing to contemplate how you might feel.

As I said, my x was a different type of arse, but he had a puzzling indifference to my deep distress. He was causing it, but so NO connection whatsoever.

LiffeyKidman · 14/01/2009 17:33

Karma, chill! It was years ago, wife number one is probably delighted to be shot of the depressed philanderer! She could have not told us that fact. I think it was brave of OP to mention it, knowing there'd be bound to be some judgypants ready to say serves you right.

AnyFucker · 14/01/2009 17:53

yes, please don't let's turn this into a "ha! you got yours!!"

although the facts speak for themselves, no good will come of wagging the finger at the OP. Although I feel a machete needs wagging at the bloke, and then burying in his knackers.

Does anyone else feel the OP's last post was a bit too pat and almost "rehearsed", as though she was expecting something like this to happen. Flippant comments like "my head is a shed", although I think she must be in shock.

MadameCastafiore · 14/01/2009 17:57

I think maybe switching off your PC and going to speak to the first wife would be my first port of call - see if this is the same line he strung out last time.

You could also ask her for coping strategies!

skramblenotdieting · 14/01/2009 22:53

As you were saying Nbird you will go through a whole range of emotions it is a rollercoaster.

It can start with the oh my god what happened to him, then the anger the hatred, resentment, blaming yourself, blaming the OW, blaming the world. There is all sorts that will go on in your brain, but you will come out the otherside, and hopefully be a better stronger person for it.

Right now as you say you have to look at your options and action plan. You need to plan what you are going to do and when you are ready plan for you and your children's future.

Hold your head up high and look after your own heart.

skramblenotdieting · 14/01/2009 22:54

Oh and I wouldn't make contact with his last ex, I doubt she will want anything do do with your situation. Strange suggestion

blinks · 14/01/2009 23:45

get rid of the fucker

skramblenotdieting · 14/01/2009 23:48

There we all were being nice and polite

Quattrocento · 14/01/2009 23:52

I agree with Expat wholeheartedly.

You are finding excuses for something that you don't what to accept, I think.

Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Acceptance

I think you are in stage 1.

He sounds a bit dubious.

BodyBagBastard · 14/01/2009 23:57

"We started life together as the result of an affair, and he left his wife (2 kids 8 and 3!)for me. He knows exactly how destructive this all is, yet in my case I have said I will move back up North if he choses her. He says he doesn't want to move in with her, but can't afford to move out to a place of his own. Feel like I'm livng a car crash at the mo, any help pls??"

well what did you expect then, he wouldn't do the same to you?

either than or your a troll

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 15/01/2009 00:02

I think the first time a man leaves his family for the OW, that OW has some justification for believing that a) first wife is a bitch and/or b) love between man and OW-who-becomes-new-wife is Too Strong To Deny etc, etc, etc. Because in some cases that's the absolute truth. Or if first wife is not a bitch as such, the first marriage has come to an end or was a mistake - again, sometimes this is true.
However, anyone who marries a person with more than one dumped family in their background should really not be surprised when they get it in their turn (ie when they start answering back or put on a bit of weight or something). Romantic serial monogamists don't stop until they are too old and unappealing and charmless to find anyone who will bother with them.

BodyBagBastard · 15/01/2009 00:05

only an asshole leaves his family imho

HolyGuacamole · 15/01/2009 00:05

"Romantic serial monogamists don't stop until they are too old and unappealing and charmless to find anyone who will bother with them."

Absolutely 100% true.

LiffeyKidman · 15/01/2009 14:47

look at rod stewart, suddenly he's mr family man. (although tbh he was hideous twenty years ago in my humble opinion)

expatinscotland · 15/01/2009 18:00

the appeal of rod, however, is that he has a lot of money.

LAUGHLOTS · 15/01/2009 22:05

my dh left his wife for me, (i was younger). he has now left me for ow (she is younger than me) I thought he was depressed during the months he treated me with total disrespect, blaming me for evrything, causing arguments etc etc. I agree with SGSJA, I too thought i was 'the one' and he just made a mistake the first time, and im sure the ow thinks that he left me because i was unberable to live with, hard work etc etc. I would love him to get hurt as much as he has hurt his two previous families. HOW DO I GET THROUGH THE INTENSE PAIN??? i loved him so much. sorry nbird for hyjacking yr thread

Original poster

nbird1 · 16/01/2009 12:54

No worries Laughlots - here's a revelation: I HAVE FINALLY SEEN THE LIGHT!! Since my 'denial' stage, I have now leapt into the anger stage. He still goes out of a night to see OW, he stayed out all night again last night, not giving a shit that his 3 year old daughter has come down with chicken pox. (its all being logged in a diary for the solicitor). Will be seeing a solicitor next week to file for divorce and custody. I have also withdrawn all services (washing, cooking and ironing etc)- if she wants him, she can have the pleasure of doing his smalls.

OP posts:

whatdoyouallthink · 16/01/2009 14:10

Been reading this post and can totally understand where the OP was coming from in the same situation in that just found out my hubby was having an affair. He was also acting like he had depression for some times previous. Completely withdrew himself from me and was all 'i dont know what i want from life' anymore...I was quite reasonable about it till I found out the constant looking for a row etc was because he was seeing someone else and not depression like he was saying(he never used the phrase 'depressed' but it was what he was most definatly getting at)Even now he is still saying he needs to get some counselling, has he made the appointment.....of course not!

He is now living with his parents and has been made to finish his relationship with the OW.

So much in this thread makes sense to me.Some great advice and lots of people saying things that ring true to his current behaviour. I guess men are simple beings and all follow the same trend!

Nbird1 glad you have seen the light...I think im still on my way there tbh but im not far behind you!

threewisemonkeys · 16/01/2009 14:35

my stock message to anyone in your situation I'm afraid - however much of an arse he is, unfortunately he is still the father of your children and they deserve the chance of a relationship with him.

Whatever he has said & done, please don't damage your children by bad-mouthing him or trying to 'turn them against him' - it could backfire and make you look like the bad one. Keep it civil and polite, be the bigger person here and accept that a 3 yr old can't understand what he's done and an 8 year old isn't emotionally capable of seeing both sides rationally either.

Moving away may seem the best thing now, but just bear in mind the repercussions for the kids re:access visits etc.

As for him not moving out because he can't afford it - tough! he should stay with his OW or on a mates floor, anywhere but your home. The tension is not good for the kids and it is cruel to you too. Big hug to you & your DCs

p.s. depression bollocks. he's just a slut!

blinks · 16/01/2009 14:47

thank god

now go towards to light.......

HappyWoman · 18/01/2009 16:48

well done - i think making him see what it really means to be on his own or with ow will be good for him in the long term.

Good for you - you have my full support - see that solicitor soon.

Flip

1 2 3