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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Private Email from a Wife Batterer

77 replies

giblets · 13/01/2009 00:14

Thought people may be interested in the type of email I receive from my partner, who I have been involved with for 6 years. Nothing's been edited in his email except for our daughter's name. It's his reply to a 3 line email I sent him asking if he wants to pick up his daughter from creche (he hadn't seen her for nearly 2 months by then).

Just for the note, I don't have a 'turgid' past and he is free to see her whenever he likes, he doesn't work so complains at the £6 petrol costs him to drive to see her.

Two months after this email, we conceived our latest baby....an example of how women operate in relationships where domestic violence is involved....

I think I can be forgiven the 'invasion of privacy' for publishing his email.

no thank you

Sit down and get out your hanky

in 3 months time or perhaps 6 or maybe sooner, you will be going back to your turgid past, where you belong.
You don't deserve what you have and have had, what's more you are not, nor have you even ever been gratefull for any of it.
I don't like you, what little glimmer of goodness that occassionally shines through or the random act of kindness is swamped by your relentless selfish unrepentant knieving evil, you live in your little made up world where you can't distinguish truth from your contrieved fiction and believe you are the complete opposite to what you have actually become, you are nothing like the person I thought I met all those years ago, you have changed for the worse and continue on a downward spiral of greater despicability. Despite you believing people can't change, you are your own living proof that they can; and not always for the better. No-one that gets to know you is going to like you, your mind is locked in an illusionary state. Some people see through you straight away, while for others it takes longer, the majority you will fool always.
Nothing would give me greater pleasure, than if my daughter grows up, takes control of her own thoughts and uncoherced repeats to you what I'm telling you now.
There are plenty of derogatory names or terms for people like you, the common concensus or denominator being that you are unpleasant to be around, you are a turd in name only, if you were a real turd, I would flush you down the toilet with pleasure and relish in the newly aquired freshness that abounds in the air .
As much as I'd like to, I can't take away from your influence, or is that effluence.
I am not going to get emotianally attached to ** to be hurt even more by you at a later date.
I pity the poor girl, she was a perfect child, she should have been my child, to be brought up by a loving, caring family and stable home. Choosing you as a suitable partner was my stupid or compasionate mistake .
The pleasure of seeing at the weekend was the only thing I had to look forward to, you deciding that you can control when, where and how long for I can see her was your final mistake, I will settle for photographs of 14 happy months that I had with my daughter, you will never tell me what to do, where to go, what to think, wear or say, ever again.
You are both history, I will find myself a decent woman, not a difficult task, if decency is the only criteria then there are plenty around, with perhaps a ready made family, i.e. children, and I will enjoy their company as much as they will enjoy mine, we will live a happy peaceful, normal family life; live, love, laugh and play and have fun together, something that comes naturally to me, something you have always wanted but can only ever dream about in your fantasies, it will never happen for you because of the nasty, deluded, self-centred, inconsiderate person that you are and always will be.
Right now you are actually needed, because having any mother and a home is better than no mother at all, prior to this your existence was a waste of space and time in this universe, nevermind spoken words or written text that have been wasted on you, despite what you think or believe, I have been nothing but good to you and I have tried without success to influence you in the path of goodness for a long, long time and have given you considerably more chances to change for the better than anyone would have ever considered reasonable, I don't regret in the slightest hurting you with an email like this, I think you deserve far worse, however will not, for * sake, she deserves a chance, but needs some serious luck and willpower to resist the quagmire of deluded selfrighteousness that you carry in that damaged mind of yours.

OP posts:
Blu · 13/01/2009 13:29

giblets - Ithink it is important that people don't underestimate the debilitating effect that abusive men have, and that by stripping you of your self-esteem, trying to undermine your confidence in what is real and what is not, isolating you from friends, they make it very hard to leave.

If you are trying to leave, Women's Aid will have hel for you, and if you see your HV she may be able to advise on specialist support for women in your position. In some areas they run 'freedom training'for women who are subject to abuse (inclusing emotional and psychological) which helps the develop confidence and also recognise what the man is doing, and how. And to create a leaving strategy. At least one MN-er made good use of a course like that, and is now doing very well in a happy new life!

If you have left and are showing what goes on in an abusive relationship, good for you!

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 13/01/2009 14:24

It's interesting how clear it is to everyone other than the abusive bell-end how loopy and nasty such emails sound. I think the OP has done a good thing in starting this, actually, as it may help other women who are living with this type of abuser to see that they are not going mad, they don't deserve it etc. Because a lot of the time, these controlling bullies put up a good front in public and ony treat their partners like this - convincing the partner that no one will believe her about his nastiness, and that she deserves it anyway.
As I mentioned, I have been on the recieving end of tirades like this from a couple of nutters who were not XPs but aquaintances (from RL) who used internet forums for their insane rants, and it does take your breath away the first time you read one of these. But as someone else said of my loopy stalkers - 'for someone who says she's nothing and of no consequence, you've spent an awful lot of time and effort on 2000 words dissing her.'

Fleurlechaunte · 13/01/2009 18:05

These emails sound like my h speaking to me. Thats a bit scary.

Clarissimo · 13/01/2009 18:13

Pleas- my friend got pg with her sewcond when separated from a similar H. Please leave. My friend didnt, now lives in terror of him and in particular of him taking the children to his new partner in Thailand (he keeps their passports)- she is extremely mentally ill, under 5 stone and so ill she might die. If she does, he gets the kids.

Please dont let him near you again.

Unlikelyamazonian · 13/01/2009 19:11

Oh god clarissimo, is she not getting enough help? Mentally ill?Living in terror? Does she have access to internet? Can we help at all? I can't bear reading this kind of thing.
I will help...

beansontoast · 13/01/2009 19:50

i think your sharing this e mail is a great thing,for a couple of reasons

a)im assuming that in order to post it, you must have felt sufficiently detached from the content to not take it personally anymore..please god let that be true

and

b)others may read it and get some useful perspective if they are on the receiving end of such demented contempt

bravo

Clarissimo · 13/01/2009 20:15

Unlikely we've tried, honestly, and she knows where we are at a moments notice: she has a room here any time, another friend 2 doors away and her mum near to no avail. She did report him to police on the condition they phoned when they visited her (he's in & out of the UK, runs illegal business abroad) except they forgot and left a message with his friendly neighbour

I dont think she can break free but we have limited effects -stopped him using her name for finance by telling banks- friend did that, reporting him to police ourselves. I do ot believe she will survive this but she has lots of people waiting and trying.

giblets · 13/01/2009 20:32

Stroppyknickers 'still don't get what has now made you post an out of date email? what has happened since then, presumably 11 months ago, to make you do this? So why not post something more current, like what is happening now? We can all say how awful about something he apparently wrote several months ago, but what about now? '

Email's 6 months old, not 11. Reasons for posting it are explained in the opening message. It's also cathartic. It's also an online record for me, in case I ever need to refer to it.
I'm in the process of leaving, for all who ask.

OP posts:
Yurtgirl · 13/01/2009 20:37

What does it matter when this was written? It was helpful for gibblets to do so and sharing such experiences helps others surely!

Gibblets I hope you find true happiness in your life soon - away from this awful man

LiffeyKidman · 13/01/2009 20:38

Giblets, I completely get why you did it. I knew my x was a nasty controlling bully for years before I left him.

You need public validation that you are the sane one and that he is the nutter. You are sane. YOu can get away from him. You have the right to leave him.

Good luck to you. It took me nearly 19 months from the moment I first faced up to the scary truth, 'I can't live with this for the rest of my life' until the moment I actually walked out the door. There was a lot of abuse and bullying in that period. I should have left sooner. It's hard even for me now having been through it to know why I didn't leave sooner. People sometimes say I was brave to leave him, but I only left when I knew that no matter what hell I walked into next it would be better than the hell I was already in. So not brave really!

I'm 18 months further down the line than you, I have left the bitter nutter, and it gets better. Life's normal challenges will still be there, but they will not seem so insurmountable when you have the spring back in your step!

onepieceofbrusselssprout · 13/01/2009 20:43

Wishing you strength giblets. Hope you find support both her and in rl. x

I left a man a little like this, thankfully due to circumstances I hadn't had children with him.

giblets · 13/01/2009 20:45

At the time of receiving the email, I didn't believe the nonsense, but analysed it anyway just to see if there was any truth in it, on the basis of sometimes it takes other people to tell you what you're really like. I have a large, loving family of several siblings and neices/nephews and one good friend and none of them have ever given me indication I'm any of the complaints raised in that email, now or in my past, but even that doesn't stop you wondering 'what if'.

Living with people like this can make you doubt your own sanity, despite the rational voice in your head telling you it's him who's nuts, especially with comments like 'most people see through you straightaway, most you fool always' or whatever it was he wrote.

OP posts:
giblets · 13/01/2009 20:46

LiffeyKidman 'You need public validation that you are the sane one and that he is the nutter.'

Yep.

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 13/01/2009 20:49

Im glad to see you have posted back giblets. A lot of us have questioned why you posted - not because we were skeptical, but because you didn't really say why you were posting something that happened a while back, I personally wondered if you were, like you say - just getting it out (totally understandable) or crying out for help with a more recent situation that you couldnt bring yourself to type about.

How ARE you getting on now, you say you are in the process of leaving him, that is GOOD and you are clearly becoming a brave and strong woman. But it is OK to ask for help - are you getting any help, any practical help? Im not really up to speed with this sort of thing, but there are (sadly) lots of posters here who are, who have had to do the leaving and they I am sure will be more than willing to point you in the way of some real practical help.

giblets · 13/01/2009 20:52

I usually post under a different ID on here, where regulars will be familiar with my circumstances, but I posted under a new ID this time because I already have processes in place to deal with my predicament and just wanted to share this email for reasons already replied to.

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 13/01/2009 21:04

Im glad you are getting yourself sorted giblets

Unlikelyamazonian · 13/01/2009 21:12

Thanks for answering Clarissimo. I feel physically ill reading about this kind of thing.

Apologies for brief hijack giblets. But I too understand exactly where you are coming from in posting wankfuck's deluded, vile and ugly email. His mind matches his arse - full of shit.

I posted emails from my nutty ex on here too, when I desperately needed help with my sanity. Exh (well, still married unfortunately. Can't divorce the bugger for five years) wrote this kind of bollox: 'I have to tell people I have hypertrophy of the tearducts because tears are rolling down my cheeks all day'.

Actually he was scuba diving in koh samui, spending the money he stole on hookers and gadgets, shagging his arse off in bang-cock and is now shacked up with a foreign bird and pretending he last taught at a school in Edinburgh. (um, devon actually - from which he has been sackeed for gross misconduct).

But in spite of the bloody obvious evidence that we are sane people run mentally ragged by these abusive fruitcakes, we STILL need reassurance. Because we are Nice. Because normal people don't know how to understand that some men (and I guess women?) can be so totally vile and cruel and twisted.

However. Take heart. Be ready to smile again properly.

My baby has just turned one. We are nearly seven months down the line from Mr 'I have had dengue fever and been nowehere near the internet connection' (translate as 'sitting a tesol course, going clubbing and drinking, lying about my past, shacking up with a Burmese woman and not giving a tossing feck for my wife, baby son or two other daughters')

Your bloke sounds like a vain, vile and possibly very short twat. Leave leave leave. Rejoice rejoice rejoice. Keep all written evidence. But take care not to put yourself in danger with him.

Going to put kettle on for cup of tea, also have a vodka and tonic on the go, large piece of chocolate and slice of carrot cake. There's nothing as good as being on your own when you've stared down Hell's barrel!

Nighbynight · 13/01/2009 21:17

giblets, that could have been my ex speaking too. They really are unoriginal!
Hope that posting this email is a step on your road towards breaking this poisonous relationship, good luck.

thumbwitch · 13/01/2009 22:37

giblets, I am glad you are able to vent and hopefully you have got the validation you needed but it really wasn't that clear why you were posting, nor that you are in the process of leaving him.

Would it be correct to say that you are currently 4m pg to this man then?

I was lucky - I was with a pathological liar for 6m (well, I thought it was 12 but it turned out he was with someone else for the last 6m of that!) who did his best to belittle me and reduce my sense of selfworth to rubble - I was lucky he left me. He continued though (and I let him!!) to get to me for a couple of years after. It took a few years more counselling and stuff to help eradicate the effect of those few months.

These men always seem to go for bright sensible women (why? more of a challenge?) and set out to destroy them - they must get some kind of kick out of it.

macdoodle · 13/01/2009 23:20

Today I had no contact with my STBXH - I spent the night cleaning my kitchen with a large glass of wine, music blaring dancing and singing (the kind of thing he would have sneered and made fun of - I had a ball ) - the old me is still there, he didnt destroy her and she is coming back - stuff the whole lot of them, you can do this, I promise you, I never took him back even when I got pregnant again and am so thankful I didnt - even living apart it has taken me 2 years to break free !

BitOfFun · 13/01/2009 23:35

Glad you got out macdoodle- I always like your posts!

macdoodle · 13/01/2009 23:37

Why thank you BoF - it has been a long hard haul and I think the battle has just begun - but I do feel more like my old self every day

LiffeyKidman · 14/01/2009 13:44

Giblets! YOU ARE the sane one. He is the bitter nasty controlling nutter.

mrsmortenharket · 15/01/2009 09:55

congrats macdoodle xx

Mamazon · 15/01/2009 10:03

Giblets.

well done you for finally realising what a nasty tosser he is.
keep the email. one day when your Dd is old enough she may want to see it for herself, just to reasure herself that his absence from her life was nthing to do with her and was in fact down to this mans insanity.

I have posted many times abotu my own childrens father and the abusive relationship we had.

I read that email hearing his voice, none of it sounded new.
Sadly these "men" are all very similar.

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