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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Private Email from a Wife Batterer

77 replies

giblets · 13/01/2009 00:14

Thought people may be interested in the type of email I receive from my partner, who I have been involved with for 6 years. Nothing's been edited in his email except for our daughter's name. It's his reply to a 3 line email I sent him asking if he wants to pick up his daughter from creche (he hadn't seen her for nearly 2 months by then).

Just for the note, I don't have a 'turgid' past and he is free to see her whenever he likes, he doesn't work so complains at the £6 petrol costs him to drive to see her.

Two months after this email, we conceived our latest baby....an example of how women operate in relationships where domestic violence is involved....

I think I can be forgiven the 'invasion of privacy' for publishing his email.

no thank you

Sit down and get out your hanky

in 3 months time or perhaps 6 or maybe sooner, you will be going back to your turgid past, where you belong.
You don't deserve what you have and have had, what's more you are not, nor have you even ever been gratefull for any of it.
I don't like you, what little glimmer of goodness that occassionally shines through or the random act of kindness is swamped by your relentless selfish unrepentant knieving evil, you live in your little made up world where you can't distinguish truth from your contrieved fiction and believe you are the complete opposite to what you have actually become, you are nothing like the person I thought I met all those years ago, you have changed for the worse and continue on a downward spiral of greater despicability. Despite you believing people can't change, you are your own living proof that they can; and not always for the better. No-one that gets to know you is going to like you, your mind is locked in an illusionary state. Some people see through you straight away, while for others it takes longer, the majority you will fool always.
Nothing would give me greater pleasure, than if my daughter grows up, takes control of her own thoughts and uncoherced repeats to you what I'm telling you now.
There are plenty of derogatory names or terms for people like you, the common concensus or denominator being that you are unpleasant to be around, you are a turd in name only, if you were a real turd, I would flush you down the toilet with pleasure and relish in the newly aquired freshness that abounds in the air .
As much as I'd like to, I can't take away from your influence, or is that effluence.
I am not going to get emotianally attached to ** to be hurt even more by you at a later date.
I pity the poor girl, she was a perfect child, she should have been my child, to be brought up by a loving, caring family and stable home. Choosing you as a suitable partner was my stupid or compasionate mistake .
The pleasure of seeing at the weekend was the only thing I had to look forward to, you deciding that you can control when, where and how long for I can see her was your final mistake, I will settle for photographs of 14 happy months that I had with my daughter, you will never tell me what to do, where to go, what to think, wear or say, ever again.
You are both history, I will find myself a decent woman, not a difficult task, if decency is the only criteria then there are plenty around, with perhaps a ready made family, i.e. children, and I will enjoy their company as much as they will enjoy mine, we will live a happy peaceful, normal family life; live, love, laugh and play and have fun together, something that comes naturally to me, something you have always wanted but can only ever dream about in your fantasies, it will never happen for you because of the nasty, deluded, self-centred, inconsiderate person that you are and always will be.
Right now you are actually needed, because having any mother and a home is better than no mother at all, prior to this your existence was a waste of space and time in this universe, nevermind spoken words or written text that have been wasted on you, despite what you think or believe, I have been nothing but good to you and I have tried without success to influence you in the path of goodness for a long, long time and have given you considerably more chances to change for the better than anyone would have ever considered reasonable, I don't regret in the slightest hurting you with an email like this, I think you deserve far worse, however will not, for * sake, she deserves a chance, but needs some serious luck and willpower to resist the quagmire of deluded selfrighteousness that you carry in that damaged mind of yours.

OP posts:
MaddieMoonlighting · 13/01/2009 09:06

Perhaps Giblets wants to use our responses to help her gain the strength to act.

BlueSapphire77 · 13/01/2009 09:07

The bloke is clearly bonkers lol (with delusions of self grandeur and righteousness.)
See we can all do long words Is he running for election or something..

My ExP could have written that if he could spell anything bigger than four letters

What is scary is that he seems not to want to know his own child until she is old enough to manipulate and turn against you.

"no one that gets to know you is going to like you" hmph! I like you already..you had obviously told him at this point that you were leaving, or had left, and he sounds utterly pissed off..you go girl!

I take it you ARE still seperated.. or are you back together now?

Constance: It should make you laugh that anyone so far up their own arse can still see to type on the keyboard.

There's only one thing i would wish for..that instead of by email he had the balls to say it to my face so i could laugh in his face instead of a computer screen.

BlueSapphire77 · 13/01/2009 09:09

OMG ppl on here make me pmsfl as well..laurie..

Thats why i like this place lol

stroppyknickers · 13/01/2009 09:12

So why not post something more current, like what is happening now? We can all say how awful about something he apparently wrote several months ago, but what about now?

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 13/01/2009 09:20

My god, he hates you very much, doesn't he?
How is he now with you? You say this email is old. I do hope you didn't continue to sleep with him after getting THAT!

And most importantly, what is it that you are asking for, by posting it? Do you want advice, or to look at the email and drag out his specific criticisms of you and analyse them, does part of you still want him and you are looking for strength, or do you simply want a sympathetic ear?

macdoodle · 13/01/2009 09:24

I think I understand giblets - my STBXH is the same and yes I too got pregnant by him after a load of abuse, an OW and him getting her pregnant - yes it was foolish and idiotic in the extreme - but these men are masters at detroying your self esteem and self worth, making you believe that if only you tried that little bit harder then they would change, would be the husband and father you want and deserve!
Sex for them is all about power and control and in their eyes they ARE sex gods and how foolish you would be for not believing it - my STBXH equates sex with affection, and cannot understand why I would possibly not want to have sex with him even after he had said some very similar things to me
Giblets I understand - there are a number of threads about men like this at the moment (I am guessing thats what prompted this posting) - I hope you have now had the strength to divorce him and make space between you - I too used to ask/bed him to spend time/take some childcare load and again get abuse like that, when I set boundaries (like him not just arriving for half an hour when he feels like it, yes it was me too stopping him seeing his DC - I never have never would)!
Giblets good luck and god speed

macdoodle · 13/01/2009 09:25

beg him not bed him - freudian slip there!

lucylue · 13/01/2009 09:28

my ex was like this.
his emails were usually shocking me.
they were such poison mails.
i now think that he was living in his own world thinking he was so good, or trying to give this image to hurt me.
he sent me many hurting emails when i just needed his support. at that time i blamed myself so much. but now i can see what type of person he was, he is.
put him in the past, be happy with your children. this is a bad experience for you, but with a good outcome:your children.

mrsmortenharket · 13/01/2009 09:31

(((((((((((()))))))))))))))))
oh christ giblets he sounds just like my x. it made my brain hurt just reading your old email. unless people have been in this situation, they cannot possibly understand how difficult it is to get out of. it took me two years. i too have a child and he uses emotional blackmail on her to get her to stay at his house. please get away from him.

(why aren't you replying?)

macdoodle · 13/01/2009 09:34

Giblets I agree with that - I think unless you have been with a man like that it is absolutely impossible to understand how they work and how you respond to them - I am a well educated self supporting porfessional - I was with him 10 years and it has taken me 3 years of hell to finally divorce him - please dont take notice of some of the flippant comments (why did you sleep with him, just get rid)!
There are lots of us here and we DO understand x

LucyEllensmummy · 13/01/2009 09:40

I'm not sure why you posted this, but of course you have my sympathy.

What i can see through that vile diatribe (hows that for a big word!) is a very unwell person. Im not excusing him, im quite worried for you if you still have him in your life, and your children. Does have have any diagnosed mental illness?

warthog · 13/01/2009 09:43

holy guacamole

LucyEllensmummy · 13/01/2009 09:47

Maybe i am wrong about that, upon reading posts form macdoodle etc about how these men destroy your self esteem - i guess, as someone, thank God, who hasn't been in this situation i just cannot fathom someone being so hatefull.

You say he is a wife batterer, so i am assuming that he was physically abusive? I hope that you find the strength to get this man out of your life. Again, like the others, i am unsure why you have posted this email, has something happened recently to prompt this? This man must not be allowed to poison your DD and i would be inclined actually, to use this email as evidence to restrict access until he has sought some sort of professional help.

I have to admit, when i read about abuse, i do think - FFS, why the hell do you stay with him - but i do sort of understand. I can't imagine my DP ever doing something like this, and if he did it would be so out of character that i would probably be trying to find excuses for him, and blaming myself - so there, thats how easy it is for these worms.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 13/01/2009 09:58

Oh poor giblets. You deserve so much more. What an utter tosser.

That email makes him sound mentally ill. And sorry but if he loved his daughter and truely thought that you were that bad, he wouldn't stop seeing her to keep away from you. he would fight you with everything he had to help his daughter.

Him saying otherwise just proves that you are a great mum and he is disturbed. He is the one living in the fantasy world.

If you are still with him I hope you find the support you need soon to leave him and get on with the life that you deserve.

Ready made family, my arse. I bet he has a queue of women waiting for such a catch?

Mum2OJ · 13/01/2009 11:47

Giblets i hope you are ok and safe x

Honestly i know exactly what you are going through, even now my XP tries to control me (sometimes succeeding sometimes not) so please if you need anyone to talk to i will not judge (email in above post)

If i had just had an ear to listen to me when i was with XP i think i would have been able to pull myself together and get out of the relationship before he hurt my DS, but i didn't and shamefully i let it get to the stage where he ended up smashing a window in DSs and my face before i got the guts to leave him.

I know there was no mention of violence in you OP but suspect from the nastiness that he might be the sort of person to use it.

Hope you are ok today x

Bucharest · 13/01/2009 11:52

Presuming you haven't already, leave, now. Please.
Sending you strength and good wishes for your future.x

coolbeans · 13/01/2009 11:56

What a sad, inadequate little man, and how distressing for you to have to deal with him.
So, what do you want to do, now?
Do you want to find a way to handle his behaviour? Have you had enough? I'm sure that he has his good points and times when he isn't behaving like an idiot, because otherwise why would you stay/sleep/continue in a relationship with him.
But that's not really enough reason to hang around someone quite that stupid and delusional, (uncoherced, concensus, I mean, really!)
Have you spoken to Women's Aid? Might be a good starting point, if not. You don't want your daughter seeing you putting up with this rubbish - it's not good for her.

LiffeyMermaid · 13/01/2009 12:20

I'm really sorry you've had to go through this. I hope you feel more and more detached from his bitter madness every week that passes.

You don't have to read this, just to let you know you're not alone, here is an email from my x, who was controlling, verbally and physically abusive to me for 5 yrs. I clung on for YEARS longer than I should have. He thinks I'm a quitter and a loser!! He gives us no money btw... Reading it now, I don't get upset, but it upset me and angered me a lot last year.

again, only names edited.

"Wrong again, as usual. What an utter burke you are E. You know that you were the one who was in a bad mood from the moment we came home from the hospital with M when you realised that you actually had to do some work for a change.
Wrong that I ever said that I despised you. Yes you couldn't cope and I told you time and time again that its tough having your first child. But you wouldn't have any of it. You had to blame somebody and obviously I was nearest.
Wrong that you were ever grudged a night out. When was that exactly? I used to tell you to go out either in the evening or to the shops. Can you give me one example when this wasn't the case you dip shit?
You see I haven't bothered mailing you for much of this past year because I know what a complete waste of time it is. Every single thing you say is wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Prove me otherwise E*. You're mental state is actually getting worse and no-one seems to care. And just because I couldn't be bothered mailing you doesn't mean that I can't sit here all day everyday replying to you because I know that you've not a shred of evidence to back up your claims.
For some reason you are still hostile to me even though you've left and are supposedly happy. Why is that exactly Exxxx? Arse too fat? Cheeks too hollow?
So keep on replying with your fantasy of past events because thats all it is and I am more than happy to remind you so. I had children with you with the best intentions, I mean that. But you were so godamn awful after giving birth that what on earth was I supposed to do - not mention it? Ever? But I pleaded with you to stay time and time again even though you were the worst companion I could ever imagine. Wigging out in restaurants for no apparent reason. Wigging out over choosing which cooking pots to buy.

I have tried to organise my visits through you. But since you can't read, write or listen perhaps you could ask your mother to contact me and confirm the only bloody reason I mailed you in the first place and that is to confirm when I can see my children over the holiday period you infantile cretin of a person. And when I visit perhaps you can sod off somewhere - which I have requested every time so far since your pathetic performance to ruin my summer holiday last year.
You're a brainless twat, slowly suffering mental degradation at my expense and I'm sick of it you useless midget. The sooner they cart you off to the funny farm the better."

THESE men are completely insane.

Take care giblet.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 13/01/2009 12:24

Could have been written by the same man! Glad you got out Mermaid and are happy now. I hope that Giblet can find the strength to do the same.

Simplysally · 13/01/2009 12:24

So from his point of view you are (to paraphrase) a waste of time etc etc (this is not my opinion but what I gleaned from skimming your op).

So he then spends a good amount of time writing to tell you so?

He's the one who appears to have problems.

Get rid of him but take care.

Piffle · 13/01/2009 12:28

I think he sat there with an internet thesaurus and wrote that
What an utter fuckwit
Value your distance Giblets, there can never be enough
He sounds thorough;y poisonous

LiffeyMermaid · 13/01/2009 12:31

Yes shesells, I didn't realise until I left his how common it is, how text book these men are in their bullying and controlling techniques.

NOW. I do the one thing that pisses my x off the most. I never ever reply to a single text message, e-mail, phone call, nothing. I have turned him into a non person. He is pissed off becuase because he can't control me now, or make nasty comments. My mother handles the handovers, but she takes NO shit from him.

He is so deluded it beggars belief. He and his mum both!! THey still think I was 'mad' to leave him. Even I had been mad, which I wasn't, it would still have been my right to leave him, he doesn't get that. Can't ever get that. He's a very damaged individual. He can never be a better man because he never looks inwards. Everything is everybody else's fault.

Thank god he's out of my life now.

dittany · 13/01/2009 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LiffeyMermaid · 13/01/2009 13:16

I have a selection of them! My favourite is the one where he says I'm too fucking stupid to follow the instructions on the back of ready meal

MrsMattie · 13/01/2009 13:19

Mentally unstable. Thank God you are no longer with him.