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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do all you SAHMs make yourselves interesting and sexy for DH?

68 replies

lostinmotherhood · 12/01/2009 13:26

Age old question and an age old problem I suspect but I am struggling ALOT with my self esteem at the moment.

I have a 10 week old and a 2 yr old I have at least 2 stone to lose.

I have joined a gym and weight watchers but I am terrified that DH will no longer find me attractive - what with no make up / constant conversations about potty training etc / and my stretchmarks and flabby skin.

DH has said recently that he is finding life mundane and I quite agree with him -we don't go out as much as we used to we just can't and I am very scared that one day he will take off with a sexier more interesting version of me.

He works with some very attractive ladies + I feel like a frump.

OP posts:
sfxmum · 12/01/2009 13:30

with 2 very young children I expect he helps a lot around the house, changes nappies feeds them goes out with them gives you free time etc non?

Original poster
lostinmotherhood · 12/01/2009 13:33

yes he does

OP posts:
pagwatch · 12/01/2009 13:35

Lost

you don't. You do everything you can to take care of yourself, eat well, dress up when you can, read a fav book, go out etc etc

You will then be much happier. And I always find that happy is a good step on the road to sexy.

What is he doing to be interesting and sexy for you?

sfxmum · 12/01/2009 13:40

I only ask because having a real sense of what it entails generates more empathy and understanding I makes you feel supported and more able to deal with what is really hard work

I agree what what has been said you do what makes you feel good what makes you balanced and you talk and you plan things together

not easy but I think it is the only way I think it is hard to adapt to life after children and some loss of intimacy

Original poster
lostinmotherhood · 12/01/2009 13:40

Good question pagwatch - he doesn't really have to try because I love him to bits and always will.

he really scared me when he told me he was finding life mundane at the moment - I feel truly insecure as a result.

I know I should be doing all that stuff you mentioned for me and that as a result my confidence will grow but I can't help but feel as though I am only doing it to keep him interested (does that make sense) I don't truly feel as though I am doing it for 'me'

OP posts:
Gingeme · 12/01/2009 13:41

I was going to say something similur to pagwatch. I'm afraid life does get mundane sometimes but you have a 10 week baby to look after for goodness sakes!
What is he doing to make life more interesting? Its lovely that he helps around the house and with the dc but when you get stuck in a rut it shouldn't be all down to you to make things a bit more exciting.
Lots of kissing and cuddling and touching for now will do you both good.
Don't feel pressured into doing anything you don't feel up to.
It will settle with time. Give your body time to get over the birth.

Flier · 12/01/2009 13:41

Do you have someone who can babysit for you?

VinoEsmeralda · 12/01/2009 13:43

Surprise him with a nice home cooked meal for 2 once a week (nice bottle of wine) once the kids are in bed (or with a baby try and get the feeds so you have a 2-3 hour slotto yourself in the evening). Make the food during the day or buy ready meals

Make sure you have nice clothes you feel good in now, dont wait till you lost the weight. Go to charity shops or Ebay if money is tight but make sure you have at least one nice set of clothes.

make sure you have a nice and easy to maintain haircut and try and put some lippy on(have tubes of gloss in your bags).

That should make you feel better about yourself.

Also sent him some randy texts, usually does it with men!

If at all possible try and go out for lunch or a drink together, only has to be an hour or so but just to feel you again and not a mum.

And stop putting so much pressure on yourself, look at it from the bright side, the fat at least fills up the saggy skin on your belly

Original poster
lostinmotherhood · 12/01/2009 13:44

sfxmum - He helps alot and he is a smashing dad I think we have lost out way recently as we have thrown all our energies into the children and we aren't 'enjoying' life IFYSWIM.

Each day starts with a list of jobs to do and then before you know it it is bedtime.

I feel bad that when he gets home he piles in and helps me with bathing them and putting them to bed etc as he mus be tired after a really long day at work/

We both love our children dearly and would not change them for the world but we are struggling with the way our relationship seems to fall by the wayside.

How do you strike that balance?

OP posts:
brimfull · 12/01/2009 13:46

Usually I wear something like this to greet him of an evening..but mine is red.

Have to keep the heating in high mind.

Original poster
lostinmotherhood · 12/01/2009 13:47

thanks vino you made me giggle !!!!

we do have a babysitter my parents are only down the road.

will do the meal thing tonight .....

I have never written a randy text before .... must try that

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 12/01/2009 13:49

Hmmm ... he said 'life is mundane' (which it is when you have small children!) and you seem to have taken this as a complaint about you.

Gingeme · 12/01/2009 13:49

Ooh ggirl I have one of those in black. Black makes you look slimmer you know

Original poster
lostinmotherhood · 12/01/2009 13:50

aaaggggghhhh ggirl there is absolutely no way I subject him to my body in that at the moment - maybe in a few weeks !!!!! or with the lights off !!!!

This may sound naive but be kind to me ... is sex REALLY important to a man

OP posts:
brimfull · 12/01/2009 13:50

gingeme-my dh INSISTS I only wear red lingerie...what can a girl do?

Flier · 12/01/2009 13:51

you both need to work at finding your way again and doing something that you oth enjoy for yourselves. Sit down with him tonight and discuss the problem in hand and then do soemthing about it.

NotQuiteCockney · 12/01/2009 13:51

For some men, sex is very important, for others, less so - we can't tell you how your DH feels about it. He probably could, though.

Lizzylou · 12/01/2009 13:51

It's hard, I have a similar age gap to you and I cannot really remember it now, it's all a blur of nappies/feeding/washing!
You are to be commended for even worrying about this tbh, but stop now. Life with 2 under 2 (or thereabouts) is mundane, it will be for a wee while longer, but it won't always be so and you can work to have some "alone" time in the meantime. I'm sure you find it mundane too, he doesn't mean you are boring though!
Stop worrying about your appearance as well, the weight will come off and you will start feeling better about yourself as it does.
We used to always have one night a week where we had a nice bottle of wine, nice meal and snuggled up with a DVD/chatting, usually a Saturday.
In a few months time it will be sooo much easier and you'll be less tired and into the swing of things.

Original poster
lostinmotherhood · 12/01/2009 13:52

yes yes yes NotQuiteCockney you have hit the nail on the head - I don't know why I have reacted like this.

OP posts:
brimfull · 12/01/2009 13:52

lost - what you won't wear something like that?? what's the matter with ya?

traceybath · 12/01/2009 13:52

Those first few months after a new baby are so hard though.

I do try and make myself look as good as possible - always wear some make up, decent hair and clean clothes - and i think its worth buying a few things for that in-between stage until you're back to your normal size.

Listening to the news - having some opinions on things that you want to discuss over a bottle of wine.

Oh and going out for dinner if possible and getting tarted up for it - nice underwear etc.

NotQuiteCockney · 12/01/2009 13:53

It's worth nothing, LIM, you have a 10-week-old baby. Ok, you're out of the black pit that is the first 6 weeks, but things still suck for the first 3 months/6 months/year. Give it some time.

sfxmum · 12/01/2009 13:53

as he explained what he means by mundane?
I suppose it would be helpful for you to get a clear idea of what he means, it is possible it was an offloading type of remark and he has no idea of the impact he had on you?

honestly I think it is worth talking about things without necessarily getting heavy, I find with us that we are a bit like partners in crime iyswim

I still think that doing things for yourself helps a lot with self esteem
and you have a tiny baby don't be too hard on yourself it is bound to be hard for a while but its a phase

NotQuiteCockney · 12/01/2009 13:54

He was probably not talking about you at all. I mean, I'm sure he misses having more of a sex life etc etc, but give yourselves some time!

It's normal that you've taken it personally, we're all raging egomaniacs at heart, but take a deep breath and calm down.

sfxmum · 12/01/2009 13:55

has he

and btw disclaimer, no idea what is meant by sexy