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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need advice... have 3 kids inc. newborn, husband having affair for past 6 months

88 replies

cakegirl · 08/01/2009 21:02

Me and my DH have been together for 15 years, have three kids, one is 10 weeks old, and have never had any real relationship problems. A few weeks before Xmas, he confessed that he was seeing another woman, and had been for about 6 months. I was (and still am) devastated, shocked but mostly angry. He appeared genuinely sorry, and said he never intended to leave me and the kids etc. However he said the relationship with the OW was "complicated" (they met on the internet and she has moved to UK to be with him) and it would take time to disentangle himself. I love my husband and believe he loves me so I am prepared to work hard to forgive and move on, but it has been 5 weeks and he is continuing to see her. He does not lie to me - tells me where he is going etc. but I really wondered how long I should put up with this. Is he just taking the p**s? I don't want to threaten to leave, as that's not what I want, and I don't want to invlove the kids or our families, but maybe if I leave this will shock him into some sense. What do you think? I need advice as I don't really want to talk to friends/family at this stage...

OP posts:

Doodle2U · 08/01/2009 21:04

Blimey. How can you stand it? I'd be going wild!

I think you should tell him to leave. Why should you be uprooted?

allgonebellyup · 08/01/2009 21:05

He is still seeing her??!!!!!!

Oh my god, you poor thing, i think he is completely taking the PISS!

And you have a new born baby FFS, what the fuck does he think he is playing at????

i know you dont want to hear this but i personally couldnt see any other option other than to give the ultimatum of either him never seeing her again or you kicking him out.

TheHamstershouldbedeadbynow · 08/01/2009 21:08

Is there a bit more to it? Seems a LOT of commitment to move to the UK to be with a married man you have been seeing under 6 months? Did he tell you because she was threatening to? He needs some ultimatums from you !

Really cross with him for you

ambercat · 08/01/2009 21:08

You should not be leaving, he should. If he is prepared to work at it he needs to stop seeing ow, actions speak louder than words. So sorry for you, i went through similar last year and i wouldn't wish it on anyone. Be strong x

zoe99 · 08/01/2009 21:09

cakegirl, does the OW know about you and the kids? does she think your DH is really a single guy? Why does he keep seeing her?

nowwearefour · 08/01/2009 21:09

Goodness. This is such a big issue and I really do not know what to say. You sound like an amazing woman. I really feel for you it must be so so completely devastating. I can only say that if your DH really does want to stay with you that is brilliant. But i would think he needs to leave this other woman straightaway and there can be no excuse that could possibly take so very long to sort out. It should in my view beover, period and then you can start to rebuild your marriage. All the very best and lots of virtual hugs to you. I hope someone else will come along with some better advice for you.

fymandwhenisthisbabycoming · 08/01/2009 21:10

bugger complicated - relationship needs to end with OW tonight - time to put your foot down.

OptimistS · 08/01/2009 21:11

I'm flabbergasted that (a) she's moved to the UK to be with him and (b) he's still going off to see her! Are you serious?!

An affair isn't necesarily the end of a marriage and can actually make it stronger in some cases. However, for that to happen, the OW or OM has to be jettisoned out of the picture entirely and there has to be a real commitment from both partners to make the marriage work.

First things first, your DH needs to break it off with the OW. Now! Not leading up to it next week or next month, but now. If he has any feelings for her at all, as well as for you, he will do this as soon as possible so that she doesn't waste any more of her life pining over a man who has no intention of being hers. I'm not going to pretend this would be an easy thing for him to do (especially if he's given her - even unintentionally - false hope) but if he refuses to do this, regardless of what you want or what he says, then I'm afraid your marriage is over - unless you are prepared to spend the rest of your married life with an OW permanently in the background.

If he does break it off and you both want to rescue your marriage, then you can do that. If you both still love each other and are prepared to work through it, there's no reason why you can't put this behind you.

Good luck.

jute · 08/01/2009 21:11

I think you need to tell him he has to make a choice. I'd ask him to move out whilst he considers it. I also think you should tell some friends/family in RL. You haven't done anything wrong and shouldn't lose support to protect him.

thumbwitch · 08/01/2009 21:14

yep. taking the piss for sure. What is he getting out of it? Is he enjoyng the fact that you know about it and he STILL gets to go and have his fun? It is not YOUR responsibility that some dozy bint left her country to move over here - does she know he's married? You should put your foot down about it imediately if you really want to salvage your marriage because the level of understanding you are currently demonstrating could EASILY be mistaken for being a pushover who will let her DH do anything he pleases so long as he doesn't leave. You don't want him getting that idea.

for you - horrible situation but put your foot down.

nowwearefour · 08/01/2009 21:29

bumping again for you

Original poster

cakegirl · 08/01/2009 21:37

OMG - all I've done is wash up and already there is so much advice - thank you! I will try and reply to your questions etc.

Originally I said he should move out into a hotel for two weeks to decide what he really wanted. The idea was that he would have time on his own to think about things, but it turned out he was staying at her place - not really what I had in mind. We blundered our way through Xmas - he kept on seeing her but I couldn't really confront him as we had my family staying with us. At New Year we had a massive chat about our future and he explained that he had tried to break it off with the OW on several occasions, but misses her and can't help but go back. He said that because we were so young when we got together (both 18) and that he hadn't had a serious relationship before, he thought he was just having some sort of midlife crisis. I guess these are just excuses though...

The OW knows he is married with kids and he has told her that he would never leave me (so he says) but he says she is "bonkers" and doesn't think about anything other than the present.

I think judging my the overwhelming advice, its time for another chat... its me or her...

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 08/01/2009 21:45

good idea, cakegirl - 33 is a bit young for a midlife crisis tbh.
If he thinks that he can't break it off with her then you have to decide for him. Or live within a 3-way relationship, if you can stand it.
If she KNEW he was married, had kids, wouldn't leave you etc. and STILL came over to the UK, then either she is mad, really expects to be able to change his mind, or he is lying (about having told her he would never leave his family).
Bad situation. Sorry for you, and

AnyFucker · 08/01/2009 21:45

is the OW pregnant?

AnyFucker · 08/01/2009 21:49

cg, do not believe him when he says the OW is bonkers

he is obviously going to say that

he is still with her because he wants to be, more than he wants to repair your relationship

you have no idea what lies he has been telling her

what an utter bastard he is

send him back to her, she deserves him

prettybutterfly · 08/01/2009 21:53

and

He is taking the piss I'm afraid.

prettybutterfly · 08/01/2009 21:54

What he says and what he does don't tally. His actions speak loudest.

Time to set some rules, without stooping to mutilating him (however much he deserves it!).

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 08/01/2009 21:56

He quite possibly, genuinely, does feel love for both you and the OW. However, presumably you signed up for a monogamous relationship, not an open one, and it's not fair of him to decide that the boundaries have moved without discussing this with you.
Only you know whether or not you would be able to live with a relatinship that is not sexually exclusive: many people do, and do so very happily but it's not for everyone. Also, an open/polyamorous relationship that starts with one person telling a lot of lies is not getting off to a very good start.
FInally, something that might be worth mentioning to him when you have your chat is that, if he is seeing someone else, then you are at liberty to do so as well (never mind whether or not you want to, just put the idea in his head).

AnyFucker · 08/01/2009 22:00

sg, cakegirl seeing some-one else is not terribly realistic whilst she is stuck at home with 10 wk old baby and her dh is off fucking the OW and going through his pathetic me-me-me pity-fucking-party

I feel so angry for this lady

ratbunny · 08/01/2009 22:08

this pretty much happened to me. xh flitted back and forth between me and ow for months - always saying he was ending it with her, but never quite doing so. even now he is moving in with her, but still telling me he wants me

basically, he wants to have his cake and eat it.

dont leave - get him to leave. you need to stay in the family home to be look after your newborn.

I think that you have to give him an ultimatum if you want this to stop. really. you deserve better. and you say leaving not what you want, but unfortunatley he is making that decision for you really. unless you are prepared to put up with it? kicking him out might even shock him into thinking about what he really wants.

Heated · 08/01/2009 22:18

He is selfishly caught up in the thrill, the novelty & 'romance' of it all, to put you or the dcs 1st. He is lying to you and possibly to himself. He'll prevaricate as long as you let him. He may well go and live with her again if you chuck him out but currently he thinks he's got 'options' re you and her, plus a comfy home, can see the dcs when he likes and his bit on the side.

If you want a decision, one way or another, tell the rest of the family, present him with the sum he'll need to pay to support his dcs and tell him he's not worthy of you.

ilovelovemydog · 08/01/2009 22:23

How is this complicated? What did he tell the O/W to get her to move to the UK?

purpleduck · 08/01/2009 22:25

so, she is "Bonkers"
what does he tell HER about YOU?

He is more than entitled to have a mid-life crisis -hey, he can have a few if he wants, but he doesn't have to do it on your time, and he doesn't have to treat you like this.

It all comes down to what you will tolerate.
Good Luck

unavailable · 08/01/2009 22:28

I was about to post when I saw what Heated posted. She says it well. Its decision time.

KristinaM · 08/01/2009 22:30

just out of interest, how would your families react if you told them? Would they approve or tolerate his behaviour? You seem close if they were staying over Christmas......

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