Need advice... have 3 kids inc. newborn, husband having affair for past 6 months

[cakegirl]

Me and my DH have been together for 15 years, have three kids, one is 10 weeks old, and have never had any real relationship problems. A few weeks before Xmas, he confessed that he was seeing another woman, and had been for about 6 months. I was (and still am) devastated, shocked but mostly angry. He appeared genuinely sorry, and said he never intended to leave me and the kids etc. However he said the relationship with the OW was "complicated" (they met on the internet and she has moved to UK to be with him) and it would take time to disentangle himself. I love my husband and believe he loves me so I am prepared to work hard to forgive and move on, but it has been 5 weeks and he is continuing to see her. He does not lie to me - tells me where he is going etc. but I really wondered how long I should put up with this. Is he just taking the p**s? I don't want to threaten to leave, as that's not what I want, and I don't want to invlove the kids or our families, but maybe if I leave this will shock him into some sense. What do you think? I need advice as I don't really want to talk to friends/family at this stage...

definatly the married man/woman. without a doubt, they know they're married before affair/ fling starts.they have prior knowledge of how much theyll hurt their spouse,and do it anyway. if you end up in a relationship with someone you dont love/want anymore just leave...all this cheating is just selfish self gratification.the cheater isnt really fair on the ow/om either.they cant commit to them either so whats the point,it just ends up with someone getting hurt.

I would remind my husband that when he leaves his life gets complicated.

kids on weekends
money
mortgage
bills
CSA
another family ( with her)
Your children calling your soon to find boyfriend ( OH yes darling, did you forget? i will have someones hard penis inside me, i shan't sit here all forlorn)will call him DADDY!

I can't see how you put up with this quite frankly. your husband is a spineless miserable excuse for a cock with legs. He has forsaken you and worse, your children. He has defecated on your family unit and continues to do so on a daily basis.

And you sit there with your children, whilst he goes off and fuck her?

Blimey!

mrs brenda dyson. by god you put that well !

Thank you!

Cakegirl, you have my sympathy...

He is taking the piss big time and what is worse is you are letting him!!!

Get a grip and HOOF HIM OUT!

(And tell everyone!!!)

Speaking from experience, when these men (and I know women do this too) are in the grip of an affair they turn into the most selfish b*ds ever - All they think about is contacting or being with the ow/om.

Whether you want to or not, you really need to let people close to you know what it going on. It brings a bit of reality to the situation for the errant partner.

If they have to explain themselves to others then it should focus their minds a bit and see what they are doing.

And FWIW, I would try to meet the ow, not to shout and bawl but just to make sure that she is fully aware of yours and your h's situation.

Truly hope this works out well for you x

So sad and angry for you cakegirl, and your kids.

I'd second the advice on here about giving your DH an ultimatum - he is being enormously disrespectful to you and his children, and needs to properly part from either you or OW promptly.

FWIW, when my XP and I were separating, I repeatedly tried to point out to him all the things MrsBrendaDyson posted - the grim realities of being a broken family. XP could not see it at the time, which bears out what Stirling said, about the errant spouse being in an uncharacteristically selfish, blinkered mode. You may not be able to get through to your DH on this front - XP came round in his own time - but you can still impose your own boundaries and ultimatums to self-protect during this fantasy phase of your DH's.

From experience, I would also advise against telling lots of family and friends about what your DH has done, for as long as you believe you can salvage the marriage. I was so furious about XP's behaviour around the time of our separation, I entered red mist mode for some months and ranted and raved to lots of people about what had happened. I really regret this; I wish I had had more dignity and composure in how I handled it. When you've told everyone about how your DH has treated you, and then it does become possible to rebuild your marriage, loved ones' raised eyebrows and potential loss of respect for you can complicate or prevent reconciliation. So maybe share with just one or two trusted friends rather than both yours and DH's families? At least for now.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is devastating. Lay down the law to your DH ASAP, and I wish you all the best of luck for a happy outcome.

what a horrible situation. I agree that it is time to make an ultimatum. There is no reason for your DH to change anything about the situation at the moment, as it is probably suiting him perfectly.

I would make the practical arrangements very clear to him, make sure you have an individual bank account and see a solicitor to make sure you are protecting everything you can.

I probably wouldnt tell family at this stage, as if you think things can be recovered it will be harder to retrieve things if everyone knows (IMO).

Gosh, I'm so sorry you are going through this

I think telling your family is important, both for support and to bring home some reality to him. It should take some of the secret romantic gloss off for him to feel their disappointment and disapproval. The way you tell them can still leave you with dignity if you try to lay off the ranting and explain that you want to keep your marriage together but need him to get a grip of himself first.

Once again, I'm so sorry...his behaviour is just gobsmackingly selfish.

Plus, perhaps someone you trust in the family could help with practical support around sorting your finances, seeing a solicitor with you etc? I think I would be in too much of a mess to be able to do it myself, and 10 weeks post-birth would make it even harder to focus for me I think.

cakegirl, the advice on hear is good. i really feel for you and don't truly know what i would do until i was in your situation.

but, i don't think you should give him an ultimatum, why should he get to decide what he wants? you make the decision. tell him it's over and you want him out. you are worth more than sloppy seconds after he's been with his lover.

also think of it this way, would you be encouraging any of your dc to stay in this type of relationship? i certainly wouldn't. but by staying with him you are unknowingly showing them you approve of this behaviour and that it is acceptable to allow this treatment.

i hope you sort this out soon, for your own sanity.

I think giving ultimatums has got a really bad name due to the fact that some people (usually portrayed as bunny-boiler women)try to use them as a form of blackmail. What you are basically after is a decision from him about what he wants to do. He has behaved despicably and weakly; perhaps the OW is "bonkers" (nice description by the way ) but that doesn't seem to stop him wanting to spend time with her. Like a lot of other women on this thread, I am furious that he oould behave like this but, you know him and, if you think you can forgive him, then I'm pleased for you. The trouble is, the longer it drags on, the crueller his behaviour and (apparent) disregard for you and his children, the harder this will be. He has to make a decision and you are going to have to force him to do that if he is too lily-livered to do it himself.

I do hope that you are coping and finding time to enjoy your new baby. It sounds a miserable situation.

A good friend of mine had almost exactly the same thing happen to her a few years ago - other than having one fewer child the situation was the same. She found about the affair 2 weeks before her second dc was born.

She made the decision to leave as she couldn't tolerate sharing him with someone else, being lied to etc etc. She then got herself a rented house near her parents, found a good job, met a new man in a successful career with plenty of friends and moved to a lovely place to live with him. They married last year and she's never been happier. She has to see her exH but feels nothing for him but contempt. He is now single and has had many failed relationships since.

Good luck with it - you really don't deserve to be treated this way.

He is spinning you a line - he could cut off contact completely if he WANTED to - but you are allowing him to act like this by being so agreeable. Everything he is telling you is a lie - that is the best place to start from - he has never told her that he will not leaving you - he is leaving you every time he is near her or thinks about her. FGS he is telling you he is still sleeping with her and you don't want to rip his balls out through his throat - you need to get proactive and very very angry very quickly my girl.

Give him some ultimatums - like packing his clothes and leaving them outside the front door and telling people around you so they can support you as he is getting away with his behaviour due to your inactivity and the fact that no one else knows what a prize wanker he is being.

My God cakegirl. I have 3 dc inc a 9 week old baby and have been with DH 14 years, so am sort of in your position. Without the OW.

I would be furious and I'd kick him out. After I'd punched him in the nuts. If you wnat to stay with him, you have to tell him he ends it NOW with this woman and you get some marriage counselling together. He is showing no respect for you or your family.

You have my sympathies, you should be enjoying your new baby, not worrying about this! be strong

To answer Moondog re my parents, it's a long & sorry tale:

My parents divorced but my father couldn't afford to maintain both homes, plus my mother got cancer so he ostensibly came back after 2 yrs for the sake of the family, although my great-aunt and I did all the nursing. He asked my mother to remarry him, she refused. On her deathbed they remarried which sounds highly romantic. It's certainly how he likes to view it now. But I'm not sure given the medication how compos mentis she was in order to make that decision; it was something he arranged when I was at school (otherwise I would have intervened). Being a grieving widower gave him more rights, especially to my mother's money, than as ex husband.

When my mother wrote her will she was divorced. Unfortunately it was worded that her inheritance was go to her next of kin, (me and my younger brother), intending us to use it to put a deposit on a house - apart from half her bank savings which she assigned to be split between us and my father so he could support us at home and through university. Obviously in the event of their remarriage, everything went to my father as next of kin, except for half her bank savings, as we were named specifically. My father tried suggest this sum of money was a generous gift from him out of her estate rather than something legally required. My father then insisted we use our half share to fund our university education and he frittered most of the money away on high living and an expensive girlfriend.

His period of selfish twattiness lasted some considerable time.

Surprisingly my brother and I today have a good relationship with my father who did eventually revert to a mostly decent human being. That money never bought him personal happiness and we often feel pity for him now. My brother and I had to make our own way & strangely it's probably done us good. Life's too short to be bitter.

Thanks Heated.
How awful.

Obviously my example is an extreme one, but unfortunately it does seem pretty common that men in these situations like Cakegirl's hb are selfish to the point of cruelty. But hopefully Cakegirl feels empowered enough to take decisions - including financial ones - to put her in the driving seat. Hope she's ok.

This is a desperately sad situation for the OP all round.

All this talk of her taking control aint worth a button if

1. he wants to be with the OW.

a)She "takes control" and kicks himout - RESULT for him.

b)She "takes control" and gives him a second chance to work on their marriage? - If he wants OW it prolongs the agony.
..............................

2)Or let's say the blow up has made him realise he wnats to stay with his wife.

a) If it brings him to his senses to stick with his wife, and she wants the same ( I am charmed at how many on mumsnet seem to think this is likely in these situations -not often the case in my RL experience)then good luck to all concerned.

b) wife wants nothing more to do with him and kicks him out. Either fair play to her if that's what she wants, or she is cutting off her nose to spite her face, so misery all round.

....................

Of course the reality is these thingsare never clean cut and can swing from one view to the other , several times in one day. What a nightmare.

I am just making the point that the very fact that one partner has had an affair means the other is rarely in control.

I appreciate relationships are rarely that clear cut, but Cakegirl wondered in her OP how long to put up with this, he is keeping her in agonising limbo and making her feel powerless.

Since it seems her dh cannot be relied on to make decisions in their best interests, but in only his, or even actually to come to any kind of decision at all, most of us are encouraging Cakegirl to take some steps to a)protect herself financially b)bring this waiting, which is causing so much strain, to an end. It's the not knowing that is hard.

But she might decide, with 3 dcs including a 10wk old baby, just to sit tight and let things unfold, which is fair enough, but if that's the case then I'd still encourage her to find out what her position is re house, finances etc so that by "being the still point in a turning world" she isn't misconstrued by hb/ow as in any way submissive or weak.

cakegirl ,what do you want?. it wouldnt be wrong to admit that you want your husband.you obviously love him a great deal(or you wouldnt be asking for advice) and i am so sorry he hs caused you so much pain.sometimes relationships can recover from affairs, its hard to do and would take nerves of steal on your part and a lot of appology and sincerty from your dh.HE would have to prove himself over and over, but if you both want it it can happen.If you dont want him then no one could argue othewise , he has behaved terribly.i hope you get the answers you are looking for , but i cannot say how long you should keep waiting whilst H sits on the fence,i hope things work out ok for you regardless of what you decide.

I'm heartbroken for you, Cakegirl.

but I don't understand posts that say "point out to him how complicated/stressful his life will be if he leaves to be with the OW", etc. You don't want him to stay with you just so he can avoid the hassle of maintenance payments, etc, do you? You don't want him day-dreaming of the ex-OW all day, but staying with you to skip the hassle of getting divorced. You want him to be with you because he wants to be with you.

In the same way, don't you stay with him just to avoid the hassle of a divorce, maintenance payments, etc.

You'd do well to kick him out for your own sake. This must be killing you. You know it's unspeakably wrong, but your self-esteem is so damaged that you haven't been able to form the words. Could your Mum come and stay with you? Might that be helpful for her and you?

Don't not kick him out for fear he'll go off to live with the OW. I know it's hard, but your attitude could be that she is actually welcome to him. You have just had his baby. He is dicking two women around. He is not being a good man.

Beautiful, that was very well put.

I was trying to consruct something along those lines but you said it so well.

I would never want a man to stay with me because it would be a hassle for him if he left.
Even worse is the "if you leave me I will make your life a total misery " school of thought.

For your own sanity, he must not be living in the same house as you whilst he is seeing another woman. Those terms went without saying when you got married. Can you manage alone with the kids and the baby?