Need advice... have 3 kids inc. newborn, husband having affair for past 6 months

[cakegirl]

Me and my DH have been together for 15 years, have three kids, one is 10 weeks old, and have never had any real relationship problems. A few weeks before Xmas, he confessed that he was seeing another woman, and had been for about 6 months. I was (and still am) devastated, shocked but mostly angry. He appeared genuinely sorry, and said he never intended to leave me and the kids etc. However he said the relationship with the OW was "complicated" (they met on the internet and she has moved to UK to be with him) and it would take time to disentangle himself. I love my husband and believe he loves me so I am prepared to work hard to forgive and move on, but it has been 5 weeks and he is continuing to see her. He does not lie to me - tells me where he is going etc. but I really wondered how long I should put up with this. Is he just taking the p**s? I don't want to threaten to leave, as that's not what I want, and I don't want to invlove the kids or our families, but maybe if I leave this will shock him into some sense. What do you think? I need advice as I don't really want to talk to friends/family at this stage...

I have known sensible men MARRY women who used the "if you leave me I will make your life hell" tactic

Funnily enough never the other way round

nula thats ing....you do get some nutters.....but how could a woman "make" a man marry her? (hold a gun at his head?).that sounds a bit .i know of a man who used that line on his OW ,to reason with her why he'd married his wife and why he wouldnt leave her.(bullshit all round from this bawbag!,no respect for anyone,ended up alone)

My God. He has got a nerve hasn't he.

If that were my DH I'd cut his balls off. I couldn't love someone who treated me like that.

I hope you get through this cakegirl, really sorry this is happening to you

I know it is bizzarre. I honestly know 3 men for whom this happened.More fools them.

There is a very funny book about relationships called Love Lies that describes this phenomenon.

of the ones I know, 2 of the 3 men went on to have children without wanting to - their wives swore they would do all the childcare/ work involved

These two couples are now divorced.

The third couple seem reasonably happy. He wanted children very much.He appears to live in fear of his wife "going off on one" as he puts it.He says he loves his kid but not his wife but would never leave her.

Holy I agree ( tho not about the balls!I don't really do anger/revenge)

If my dh did this my love for him would simply switch off . Solution !

nula, im gona get that book. about the 3 couples, and puzzled.... why would anyone do that?....why go through with it? fooking hell, those men ars spineless, and the women....i dont know what to make of them... GOBSMACKED!

No the book is not about the 3 couples - I know the 3 in RL!

The book is a lighthearted look at the way relationships develop and includes a bit when the guy is sick of the girl begause she cries and goes mental when she does not get her own way. The guy's friend says "well chuck her"

To which the guy replies " I can't. She'll cry and go mental" !

Apologies for the confusion

My real life male friend in couple number 3 above has told me he can never leave his wife because she would go mental and make his life a complete misery

Cakegirl So sorry that you are going through this

1. Make sure you eat and get enough sleep if you possibly can
2. Do not blame yourself
3. Find someone who you can tell in RL. You need a real person to support you as well as a load of ghosts people on the internet. Also he needs to realise that other people will find out about this and getting some disapproval from a third party might help him to realise what a selfcentred tosswipe he is being
4. STD clinic is a must
5. Really do try to keep eating (this is important)

1. You need to think about what you want, think about where you want to be in 6 months, a year, 2 years. I am presuming that you don't want to be in the same position you are in now, with him splitting his time and affection between you and OW.

6.a - You want him to stay with you and he wants to stay. He needs to commit to you completely and stop all contact with her, this week if he can't do it today. He needs to understand that he will have to do anything and everything to rebuild your marriage, and to help you trust him again - complete access to phones, bills and email accounts is an absolute minimum IMO. Then you can start to talk about how you will go forward.

6.b - You want him to stay but he doesn't want to. Not much you can do about that, but at least you know where you stand and can take control of your life, get the legal and practical advice you need, and move on. You will cope, you will be happy again in time, and there will be a lovely man who deserves you.

6.c You don't want him to stay. Same as 6.b.

The thing is that in the turmoil you must be feeling now, it is not a great time to be making these choices for yourself. Maybe ask him to move out for a few days? Even if that means he will be with her. It would give you some space to think (with a newborn and two other kids to cope with, I know)

I hope you are feeling OK today, well as OK as you can in the appalling situation he has created and is now perpetuating.

Oh and be kind to yourself. In the situation you are in it is OK to feel sad, angry, despairing, furious or anything else.

I have probably x posted as I started this about 2 hours ago - damn that real life getting in the way of MN

Hi, I'm new on here and need some advice pls. Suspected my husband was seeing someone else (while I was away on a training course for a new job). Looked through his bank statements etc and found the evidence. Confronted him and he admitted to seeing someone from work (2 kids herself!)since October. At the same time, he admitted that he was completely stressed out at work, broke down and cried, and that he felt as if he was looking into a big black hole and was about to fall in. He asked for some 'space, so I took our 2 kids (3 and 8) to my parents house. When I was there, I caught him at the OW's house (I phoned her number when our home phone wasn't answered).
Long talks since then, says he has 'feelings' for her, but hasn't ended things. Was with her last night. Tells me things are 'cooling off', but OW wants to take things one day at a time. She has nothing to lose tho has she?
I have encouraged my husband to seek help, I think he has depression. He has agreed to come to Relate in a couple of weeks time, and is wanting to spend time on his own so he can make up his mind. Sometimes I think he wants to be with me and our kids, other times I think he wants her. I just want to save our marriage. I love him and want to help him.
How long am I supposed to wait for him to get his head together? Lots of other factors to do with jobs/childcare issues/finances etc that all go hand in hand with a separation. Ideally I would like him to cut all ties with her, but since they work at the same place, nigh on impossible.
Please can any1 give me some sensible advice on what to do - wait it out hoping he will come to his senses, or leave?

Sweetheart, have only just noticed this...I am no expert myself, but why don't you cut and paste your post into a thread of it's own? Lots of people will see it and be able to help. Apols if you've already done so, I haven't been on here since much earlier. X

Was going to suggest the same, although a lot of the advice and comment for Cakegirl could be useful too. I can understand why, from reading your post, why the OP resonated so much.

cakegirl - he's a total fucking bastard, he's walking all over you and you are letting him! Stop letting him treat you like this, he'll continue to do this until you stop him doing it. He's a total SHIT! Don't be such a fool.