Have realised I don't actually like my mother.

[OhBling]

This is more a sad rant than a real seeking of opinions or ideas as I'm not really sure there's a solution.

I've never got on brilliantly with my mum for lots of reasons, mostly to do with personality clashing I think and also because I think I felt a bit let down by her as a child and teenager (lots of long, boring examples I won't go into). In the last few years, we've been muddling along and I've been trying very hard to find a way to have a relationship with her that involved quite a lot of compromise on my part (never acknowledged by her) combined with an acceptance that nothing I do will ever be enough for her and that therefore I have to accept that she's always going to attempt a guilt trip.

However, over Christmas and New Year we've seen her a lot this year and I have come to the rather disturbing conclusion that I simply do not like her as a person. I don't think she's horrible or anything, I just don't like her. She's immature, selfish, self obsessed and not terribly intelligent. All qualities that I don't like in people. Even her good qualities are more about her less positive character traits - eg she's quite generous and will buy gifts or whatever for people. But boy does she expect excessive gratitude and to be told how fabulous she is.

I just don't know how to deal with this. it was one thing to have a mother who annoyed and upset me a lot - lots of us have those! - but to have one I dislike is something new and I feel both guilt and anger and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

DP and I have discussed it and agree that it's probably a good idea for me to have some counselling at some point, so that I learn how to deal with it, or find ways to see the good in her.

If counselling is a bit hard to access (waiting lists etc) then there are lots of very good books about dealing with narcissistic, passive-aggressive and/or controlling people. A browse through Amazon is a right eye-opener.

I'm not diagnosing your mum btw, but it sounds as though she may have some traits like this.

You may find that when you have some strategies for dealing with her, that you begin to find her more likeable again.

Good luck!

ohbling did you read yesterdays thread on here?
think i was one of the few women who didn't like their mother so good to hear that i'm not the only one
yes it is a sad situation and what youve written here could well have been typed by me
i used to get very down about the whole thing
but post divorce and my new me and more positive happy approach to life i have decided that i will no longer allow myself to be made to feel crap no matter what and no matter who from
i tend to just smile about it
or do the la la la thing in my head
i think what ive probably learned most is that i wont make the same mistakes with my dd as my mum makes/made with me

I could have written your post OhBling, my mother has the same characteristics. Acts almost childlike. It is very very wearing.

I don't really like my dad. But I do love him. What I tend to do is give him as much as I feel able, but not feel guilty that I get annoyed by his company. I've also started to try and tell him when he has upset me, rather than seething resentfully.

I think people feel they 'should' like their mothers and that they should feel guilty if they don't, but I don't think you are bad for disliking your mother. You might think "After all the things she did do for me..." but you didn't 'ask' to be born and didn't 'enforce' the job of motherhood on her. I don't think children 'owe' their parents anything and we shouldn't have kids in order for them to do something for us in return. I also think it is a natural instinct to try to like/love your parents because it is in a child's best interest to bond with its parents so it has people to look after and protect it. It is a survival instinct. As you grow up and realise you don't 'need' this instinct anymore you may start to realise that you actually don't like/love your parents. Good luck with books/therapy etc whatever you decide to do.

We can't choose our parents, unfortunately.

I don't like my mother, either. She doesn't have any glaring personality defects, but still treats me like her little baby (I'm 37) and has no understanding of boundaries.

I have accepted that I can't love everyone, and that seeing her infrequently and for less than a week at a time is a good enough solution. Living in different countries helps.

Maybe you could do the same.

I think a lot of people reach a stage in their emotional maturity where they surpass that of their mother's. I think having children makes you analyse and question your mother's behaviour in a far deeper way than ever before. I used to really look up to my mum - thought she was really wise and knew everything. Apart from when I was in my teens, because of course back then she knew nothing...

I went through a confused phase shortly after my first child was born where I started to realise that quite a few of mum's ideas as to how I should treat dd were a crock of shit. Now I just sigh inwardly as she doesn't half come out with some classics in her (unsolicited) advice.

I remember feeling quite let down when I realised mum didn't know everything, that she has some massive personality flaws (e.g. quite immature in a stamp your feet kinda way) but I've learned to live with them a little more now and to accept that that is the way she is. I do try to just see her positives and quietly roll my eyes at her negatives (and vent to dh!).

am feeling rather cheered by all this now
MN is far better than counselling lol!!

You may find a book called "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward to be a good starting point.

Think counselling is a very good idea in these situations.

Have a look too at the "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

The Toxic Police have arrived!

ASeriouslyBlondemoment - no, I didn't read it. Obviously I missed something. But I'm glad I'm not the only one.

Thanks everyone else. I am not really looking for solutions - ironically, I get on better with her now than I ever did before in that she no longer has the power to upset me and make me angry to the same level that she used to when I cared IYSWIM. So before, she used to drive me absolutely crazy and I'd want to scream at how annoying she was. But now, I still get a bit irritated, but in the same way a colleague at work who I don't particularly like irritates me. IYSWIM.

I think ActingNormal hit it really when she makes the point that it feels unnatural to not like your parent. I feel like what kind of disfunctional person am I if I don't like my own mother and think she's largely a waste of space??

Although, I should make the point that I've posted before on some of those parent threads on some of my coping mechanisms to deal with my mother. And now I'm a bit concerned that my mechanisms worked too well - somehow I've gone beyond finding ways to deal with her to looking at her underlying behaviour and finding it distasteful.

I have a difficult relationship with my mum too. But much better since I moved out and 100 miles away so we only see each other once every 4-6weeks!
My Dad is very laid back but I just don't know how he puts up with her. However they have been married for 30yrs. I always envied my friends at school who got on well with their mums and I couldn't wait to move out and go to university. A lot of the time I don't actually like her very much by the things she says to me, very good at making me feel guilty, not good enough etc. I decided I wouldn't choose her as a friend but then realised she behaves very differently to her own her friends and is kind to them. I think mothers and daughters relationships can be really complicated. She absolutely adores our dd and this year for the first time we managed to get through Christmas without a row! I have realised I cannot expect her to change and like you OhBling try to accept she is who she is.

After years of thinking I had a perfect mother, since having my DC's It has slowly dawned on me that mum is a really difficult person to get on with and that maybe she had some issues that she should of dealt with years ago but instead she took it out on me and my sibs.

Things got worse when I left home and started making decisions for myself it was like she felt she was loosing control and her behaviour toward me completely changed. We are having problems at the moment that make me and i'm struggling to deal with conflicting emotions of...she's my mum I should love her and get on with her BUT I don't agree with the way she parented and she's not really a nice person most of the time.

For me though, the point is that my mother doesn't behave differently to her own friends or other people. I think that's my point. The bits where she annoys me or hurts me because of things she does specifically to me I am resigned to dealing with. But it's the fact that she does the things I don't like to other people too that makes me realise she's simply not a person I like.

evrey daughter expects her mother to irritate her so that I can get my head around - she drives me crazy that nothing I ever do is good enough for her, but that's just normal mum/daughter irritation and interaction.

Dragonfly ... that's exactly like it was for me. I thought my mum was great until I was in my 20s. Then having kids was an even bigger eye-opener. I had totally bought into her PR about how amazingly well-intentioned and hard-working and long-suffering she is. In fact, whatever she says about how much she loves me and how she'd do ANYTHING for me, her actions speak volumes about how remote, cold and selfish she is.

At Christmas she massively over-spent on food and drink and then pretty much ignored us and hid in the kitchen, rejecting all efforts to help, carping about the way I did things when I insisted on helping, and looking martyred. All this comes on the back of raving since October about how she can't wait, she's so looking forward, longing for hugs, desperate to spend time with us ... the reality is four days of being with someone with a face like a slapped arse who ignored me and my loved ones, or snapped at us, or moaned about everyone. It's so confusing and hurtful.

She lives with a dreadful bully, and is almost text-book passive aggressive. The pair of them are like apalling, dishonest, selfish toddlers. They're monstrous together. It's a house of pain and insanity and I'm never going back. I can't bear it and don't want to inflict it on the kids.

In all fairness, it must be said that they are both damaged people, but I want to be happy, and I really don't think they do. It's as if actually being happy would kill them.

Moondancer, why do you say that? The 'Toxic Police' myself I presume would be one of them have all been physically and/or emotionally and/or sexually abused by our parents and yes we do come into threads like this where someone may need a helping hand to see that the parents behaviour is not okay or excusable.

I can relate totally to what you say OhBling as I don't like my mother. I don't like the person she is and I don't like the way she treated me when I was completely dependent upon her for love and acceptance as a child and much less so, as an adult. Everyone has personality flaws, no one is perfect, but sometimes behaviour goes beyond the pale and becomes abusive and is made okay with 'that's normal mother and daughter relationships'...no its not. Yes it is very common (in my experience) however its not something you have to accept as being normal and okay. People who have never really had their feelings accepted by their parents are often attracted to other people who have similar issues...so then your circle of friends and dp/dh all have similar relationships with their mothers and it all seems 'normal'. But there are people out there with good healthy relationships with their parents. Parents where you can actually say something and they will listen and act in a reasonably understanding manner and respect your wishes...those relationships do exist...just not that common.

So if you don't like your mum, that's okay, if you can live with her behaviour without it being stressful or a problem in your life...go with the flow, if you need more help there's the stately homes thread...but what you choose to do is up to you tis your life.

i always get a bit sad when people insist you "should" like/love/whatever your family (the old blood-is-thicker-than-water thing, which, btw, what the hell is that supposed to mean anyway? )
anyway, i don't like my sister and haven't since we were kids
always wondered what was wrong with me that i felt this way
now, years on, actually feel ok about it
but what has being related to do with "having to" like people, i always wonder?

this is all very true
but sadly we can only choose our friends

I posted this on another thread about whether you get on with your mother but thought it might also be relevant here. I also added that I thought I would pull back from her a bit and how I feel sad that I have never had a particularly good relationship with her.

' I don't really but it has mellowed over time. Or I have!!

But she's not really fully on my side I feel. Very critical. Eg have just been talking to her about my exH gloating about how his new dcs sleeping very long hours - he and his new DP actually won't see them during the week which is something I never wanted.

But she said oh but I would want my evenings - yes but surely you can have a compromise. And then wnet on to say better to get them in bed early so they are better behaved. Dig dig dig!! What a cow!!

My DCs went to nursery anyway so we were never back till about 6.30 so they couldn't go to bed that early.

I am also getting over a really nasty flu virus and this is just brushed off with 'everyone has to go back to work'.

Many years ago I was ill with a bug and she came round and said 'oh just do some housework and you will feel better!!!'

She also has never agreed with my working FT with children, never told me I look nice (ever) and has always undermined me when she can.

I can see these are her issues and not mine but it still hurts and I would never treat a child of mine like that.

Perhaps she is jealous???'

Crikey wintercitylover, I think you are my sister and we share the same mum. My mum is identical; she hates the fact I work ft and phones me evry single day to tell me what a detrimental effect it has etc and of course my sister is wonderful because she is a SAHM.
I did have counselling as I needed to deal with the guilt and have coping mechanisms to deal with her.
My biggest fear is that I end up like her.

When we are children we believe everything our parents say and think they are right and know everything. This is natural. Lots of people keep this respect for their parents which was ingrained in them but if your parents were actually inadequate you can suddenly realise with some shock years later, often after having your own children, that your respect was misguided and they are NOT people to look up to after all. I think it is warped to say that you should forgive someone for treating you like crap and even love them just because of their title eg Mum. Just because someone has a baby doesn't automatically make them a decent person. I don't think 'blood' has much to do with it - look at the horrific things blood relatives do to their children in the news for example!

Also, because it is ingrained in you to respect your parents views, lots of people go on thinking they are crap, well into adulthood, just because their parents thought/think/treated them like they were/are crap. It is hard to break the mental programming. It is important for people with crap parents to realise that there is NOT something wrong with them, it is their PARENTS who have something wrong with them and due to their OWN self esteem problems and emotional problems they have failed to be good parents and have often made their children feel the way they were made to feel themselves.

And MoonDancer, tell us exactly what you mean, because your comment could be taken as a judgement of people from the Stately Homes thread as being overdramatic and against everyone's parents with no good reason. Is this what you are trying to say? How was your childhood?

"I don't think she's horrible or anything, I just don't like her. She's immature, selfish, self obsessed and not terribly intelligent."
You have somewhat described my mum there

Dalex nice in a way to know that there are others with similar out there.

Have just remembered my auntie (mum's sister) who she was also quite disapproving of (because she moved away from their home town) had four boys one with behavioural issues but in fact she was a SAHM!!

I don't in fact think my DSs have behavioural issues as such but I suppose I am fairly liberal as a parent.

My mum often used to say to me 'you are just like aunty m' and believe me it was not meant in a complimentary way!! In fact I prob am very similar to her - she had some great qualities but my mum disapproved of her tidyness and cluttered house - just like she does with me.

Lightbulb moment!!