Have realised I don't actually like my mother.

[OhBling]

This is more a sad rant than a real seeking of opinions or ideas as I'm not really sure there's a solution.

I've never got on brilliantly with my mum for lots of reasons, mostly to do with personality clashing I think and also because I think I felt a bit let down by her as a child and teenager (lots of long, boring examples I won't go into). In the last few years, we've been muddling along and I've been trying very hard to find a way to have a relationship with her that involved quite a lot of compromise on my part (never acknowledged by her) combined with an acceptance that nothing I do will ever be enough for her and that therefore I have to accept that she's always going to attempt a guilt trip.

However, over Christmas and New Year we've seen her a lot this year and I have come to the rather disturbing conclusion that I simply do not like her as a person. I don't think she's horrible or anything, I just don't like her. She's immature, selfish, self obsessed and not terribly intelligent. All qualities that I don't like in people. Even her good qualities are more about her less positive character traits - eg she's quite generous and will buy gifts or whatever for people. But boy does she expect excessive gratitude and to be told how fabulous she is.

I just don't know how to deal with this. it was one thing to have a mother who annoyed and upset me a lot - lots of us have those! - but to have one I dislike is something new and I feel both guilt and anger and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

DP and I have discussed it and agree that it's probably a good idea for me to have some counselling at some point, so that I learn how to deal with it, or find ways to see the good in her.

untidiness !!!

It is the taboo surrounding this that upsets me. 'How could you not speak to your mother' etc

I don't love my mother or my father, as simple as that. I maintain some degree of contact for an easy life, but now on my terms. I do feel that a lot of people don't understand though (but then why would they, if they have great relationships with their parents?)

No mother should feel that their child owes them something.

You are not alone. I just wish I knew some of you in RL, as i do feel alone sometimes

I don't like my parents. Or most of the rest of my 'family.' I have known drunks on the tube to be nicer to me than they have been

I got pregnant when I was 29 by an unavailable, cheating, lying, sick arsehole.

Oh and he was my boss.

And 20 years older than me.

My mother said 'Go over the road to the doctor NOW and get rid of it. You won't be able to love it' Eh? Wtf?

My father said 'You will end up unemployed, on the dole and living in a council house because your mother and I won't help you.' Eh? wtf?

One older brother (by four years) drove me, sobbing uncontrollably, to the termination clinic in Twickenham, gave me a polo to make me 'feel better' then drove away (the shithead father was nowhere on the scene of course - too busy being transferred to another part of the BBC on 'substantive pay')

My other brother (older by ten years) picked me up a few hours later and said I had done the right thing.
I meanwhile was inconsolable.

I discovered a couple of weeks later from my older (by seven years) sister that she was three months pregnant with her fifth child but hadn't wanted to 'upset me' by letting me know. (What - it was better that I found out a week after having an abortion? Stupid self-obsessed woman.)

My younger sister is a total fuck-up and has been utterly useless over anything emotional. She is in her forties, penniless and lives with my very old parents and is odd.

My point is, I don't think my parents did a good job of raising their children at all, or of being nice let alone loving.

My dead baby would have been 14 on august 19th this year. It never, ever goes away.

So I think, on occasion, it is perfectly ok not to love your parents/family - or even like them. I can't stand mine.

After all, as my mother so memorably pointed out to me ....'You won't be able to love it' (my own baby.)

She was talking about herself of course - SHE wouldn't have been able to love 'it'; and she knew what she was talking about because I now realise she was speaking from experience - she has been unable to really love any of us, her own children.

Turns out she had two abortions and hadn't given a fig about either.

So I, now, as a proper adult and with a baby son of my own, am so sickened by her that I find I am unable to love her.

I rarely see my parents. They have seen my son for one hour only and he is now 14 months. My sublings have never met him and never call, and I don't call them.

Am not sad at all. My brilliant friends are my true family and my son's relations.

Aw pinkdust.

Goes to show that you can have a shit family and still be happy and live your life.

Pinkdust xxxxxxx that is heartbreaking...so glad you have a good friend family now

Roseability...pop onto Stately Homes again and let us know how your getting on, don't feel alone...afterall most of us do in real life too x

Thoughts again...do you have problems picking a mothers day card for your mother OhBling? I used to spend ages picking through the 'to the best mum in the world', 'if you were a flower I would pick you' etc...Hallmark should do more blank straight 'happy mothers day' cards...save a lot of time...

Ally90
i get those ones too
whereas she always chooses cards by their verses

It is sad when you can't love your mother (or father), but hey, these things happen because we are all human, and ultimately, we have the job of protecting ourselves and our own children. If you feel this way then your mother failed at protecting her child by being a good mother.

Don't mean to be wierd but my philosophy is informed by my Buddhist beliefs.
One of these is that we were all each other's mothers at one time or another.
The fact that you have parents and siblings, friends and relations means that in some way you are karmically linked.
Through re-birth you get to explore this karmic connection again (and again), and to try and resolve issues in it.

I look at my own mother in a similar way as the poster sometimes, and can see her neediness and lack of responsibility as a pretty toxic'' trait (for want of a better word).
I have begun to see my mother as a person with whom I have a karmic link, and that this lifetime she happens to be my mother. And there is respect there for the role, but I really have to work on the feeling of love and compassion for her as a person.

This does not mean being a wimp and letting her rule my life, but just that there is a degree of objectivity between her and me, and I will now tell her that whatever immature thing she is doing / saying is damaging, and it might be better to do / say something else.

I feel that the 'game' that is played out in my family has been around for a long time, generations and generations, and I do what I can to break out of it, and into to a more honest, compassionate and loving one, which is better for everyone.

Pinkdust, I send you hugs for your loss, and applaud your courage. Thank you for sharing with us, I hope it helps. I will be thinking of you.

My mother also reads the verses in all the cards - as if I have handwritten it myself. Every single word means something to her.

I had a massive argument over something really stupid last Christmas (07) and blurted out "I hate you". Well of course that was really up her street then, she made my feel so so so guilty and couldn't see it was a heat of the moment thing in the course of an argument, she took to her bed and cried for days.

The sad thing is I actually did mean it.

When I was a child, my mother worked part-time and during school holidays I was sent to my very elderly grandparents who were always ill. I used to be petrified to go incase they were ill whilst I was there, my mum knew this and made no effort to collect me as soon as she finished work, she finished at 12.30pm and would stroll around town wandering the shops and get me at about 3. She used to say that I had to make my own entertainment during the holidays as she wasn't there to entertain me. (I was only about 7/8 at the time so still young). I don't recall her ever playing with me, she either shopped or sat down and watched tv).

There is loads more but I would be here all day.

Fimbo that's really sad
i actually feel nothing at all for mine
same as with exh

My mum has never actively done anything wrong but TBH I wouldn't choose her as a friend. I feel terrible thinking this but I just don't like her all that much.

Hello again. Thanks everyone. It's good to see I'm not alone, although the problems vary from person to person. Fimbo - my daughter/mother issues with my mother come a lot from similar situations as a child to the ones you describe. She was always late to fetch me from places - and always claimed I'd told her a different time - was totally unreliable, didn't remember anything I told her or if she did, would then tell everyone else inappropriately.

My issues with my mother as a person, seperate to me, are more about her being the kind of person I avoid. For example, shen she gets sick she does NOTHING to try make herself better. Yes, she'll take medicine provided by the doctor but she won't go to bed, she won't dress appropriately, she won't try simple things for a sore throat like lots of hot liquid etc etc. I have never had any patience for people like that. So even though that behaviour doesn't affect me, it does make me think "wtf? What kind of person is this?"

She's also one of those people who through self confidence (supposedly) issues, can't do anything for herself and needs constant reassurance. Again, not always from me. But I don't enjoy people like that and as a highly capable and independent person, showing up my independence by "helping" other people does NOT make me feel good. I prefer people to be strong. I also find her socially inept - unable to make appropriate conversation, eat without either complaining about the food or messing etc. Silly things, but things that bother me nonetheless in people.

Although I guess, these are all about my issues with her really as my mother. So this is helpful on that level alone.

Oh and Ally - YES on the card. Luckily she lives far away so I'm always able to send flowers with something appropriately neutral!

Took me a while to write that post so x posted with TheCrackFox - that's how I feel, yes. she's not a person I would ever choose to spend time with if she wasn't my mother. Well put.

Hi all I've just joined my mum is very hard work, she lives in Ireland now and we have had our ups and downs. I can't stand the stress anymore, don't know what to do for the best. Any advice?

The only thing i feel towards my mother is a sense of duty
No love
It is what it is

Just adding a bit of solidarity. I dislike my mother and I feel very guilty about it. I want it like her and really wish I did, but she's a pretty unpleasant person who runs everyone up the wrong way. Keep us updated - I'd be interested to know if counselling helps you as I have also considered it.

I read toxic parents which helped a bit

Zombie thread. The original was started several years ago.

Hello @helloyeetmeow that sounds terrible. Can you talk to a teacher or teaching assistant at school about this? It isn't how you should be treated and there are lots of people that can help you if you only let them know what is happening.

Just cut them off, did it with my Dad similar reasons, just reduced my communication with him until zero and he got the message after some time.

@helloyeetmeow please start your own thread for support and help with this.
People will see this is an old thread and not be looking for your cry for help.
But don't keep this secret.
You need some support from the proper organisations.
You can call NSPCC or talk to teachers at school.
Please take some steps to free yourself from this.

Hi there everyone,

We're going to close this thread now as it's a zombie thread and we're sure OP doesn't want it brought back.