This is more a sad rant than a real seeking of opinions or ideas as I'm not really sure there's a solution.
I've never got on brilliantly with my mum for lots of reasons, mostly to do with personality clashing I think and also because I think I felt a bit let down by her as a child and teenager (lots of long, boring examples I won't go into). In the last few years, we've been muddling along and I've been trying very hard to find a way to have a relationship with her that involved quite a lot of compromise on my part (never acknowledged by her) combined with an acceptance that nothing I do will ever be enough for her and that therefore I have to accept that she's always going to attempt a guilt trip.
However, over Christmas and New Year we've seen her a lot this year and I have come to the rather disturbing conclusion that I simply do not like her as a person. I don't think she's horrible or anything, I just don't like her. She's immature, selfish, self obsessed and not terribly intelligent. All qualities that I don't like in people. Even her good qualities are more about her less positive character traits - eg she's quite generous and will buy gifts or whatever for people. But boy does she expect excessive gratitude and to be told how fabulous she is.
I just don't know how to deal with this. it was one thing to have a mother who annoyed and upset me a lot - lots of us have those! - but to have one I dislike is something new and I feel both guilt and anger and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
DP and I have discussed it and agree that it's probably a good idea for me to have some counselling at some point, so that I learn how to deal with it, or find ways to see the good in her.