How do you live with fact that you will probably never have another realtionship/be loved in "that way" ever again?

[MaddieMoonlighting]

I know this sounds like I'm having a real pity party, for which I apologise, but I have to face facts and it's very probably true. I can't see how it could easily be any other way.
I split with my husband, who was the love of my life, last year. It still hurts so much. Eveywhere I seem to look everything is family-orientated. I know all is often what it seems but many husbands are loving a faithful I know that and I so wish it could have been that way for us/me. I have my children and I know I'm loved but nothing feels the same anymore. Even friendships with close friends feel different. I feel so alone.

All my plans for the future seemed to be shelved or gone. We were going to grow old together. I feel so bereft that that is all gone now. We, my husband and I, still have to be in constant touch with each other with we have a daughter whose disabilites means she needs a lot of care. He is a good dad and fits helping me out with her around his work but sometimes I find it so hard seeing him all the time.

My life as a carer seems to stretch ahead endlessly. I love my children and they love me but I never imagined not being someone's wife (preferably the father of my children's!) as well and living our lives together.

I don't want to be with anyone else - I am still grieving for "us" but one day I might and there is no way anyone would take on the baggage that comes with me. They would have to be mad - or odd. Sometimes I think "well maybe I could have a loving relationship with someone; they don't have to deal with the day to day mucky caring jobs for a child/disabled young adult who is not even their child!" but I suspect I might think less of him for not wanting/being happy/willing to share in all that is my life especially when it is all so exhausting/debilitating an I could so use the help.

And besides I don't have time/money to spend on myself so nobdy would ever look twice at me anyway so the above concern is jumping the gun big time. I also don't/can't go anywhere to meet people. It's difficult to even vist friends. My life revolves around my teenagers/children and trying to meet their needs while caring for the disabled one.

It's all quite hopless and sometimes I find myself fantasising about writing a long list so that the people who had to take control of it all in my absence (probably social services!) would know what to do (eg no appointments missed/what my daughter likes to eat/how to give medicines etc) .. and then disappearing. I don't know how I would "disappear". I don't want to die; I just never wanted to live like this and don't now. But it alarming how often I find myself pondering this.

I would never do anything that would cause my children harm or distress though so I won't be disappearing.

I just think that being in your 30s is very young to be fairly damn sure that nobody will ever love you again. AND that you will probably never MAKE love again. (I know anyone can get out there and have sex but that's never been for me and I'm not doing that.)

I suppose I just want some (genuine) thoughts of encouragement. I keep telling myself this phase will pass. But because of the situation I am in I really cannot see any kind of actual happy ending. I don't want a fairy tale, I learnt the hard way they don't exist. I just something to look forward to in the future. But my future is almost without doubt, what I am living now.

Again, apologies for the tone of self pity. I don't DO self pity outwardly to the world so that is why I need to do it here.

that you feel this way, but please don't despair.

How old are your children? How old is your child with SN?

How have you shared care of your children with your exH?

I'm soo sending you hugs, Maddie.
I think you are right to use the word grieving as this sounds like a bereavement for you. You might find some comfort in the thought that this is a process and not an event. You will go through the same cycle of loss. Take comfort in the thought that things will change over time.

I don't really want to state all ages in the event that I am recognised. Probably would be as am not a prolific poster by any means anyway but I don't want anyone worrying about my state of mind. I just need to talk that's all.

I have several children of varying ages. My ex helps out several times a week with our disabled daugther (the physcial stuff etc esp re appointments) and sees the others for more quality time whenever he can, usually ona weekly-ish basis. But I am rarely without DD except when she goes to respite care which is not often and I can't get more.

Did he run off with someone - imagine that makes it harder to cope with as you think he may be having a 'party' while you are stuck...And also you have to have time to grieve, so that's normal. Is there no way you can get some respite care for SN dc and get out for a night, even to do a bit of internet dating. It doesn't matter f the man turns out to be a faceache, at leat you are having some me-time and social interaction...

LL yes it is a process. I counsellor told me that and I recognise it as such myself. But there seems to be so many steps backwards. And even steps forward are further away from the life I used to lead which I was once happy in, despite the extra worries re DD etc.

Ds is 8 and has ASD.
i was convinced i would never find anyone that A) would want me as im a fa biffa. B) would want to take on a woman and 2 children C) would want to stick around once he found out about DS D) i would trust around my children.

i am now totally in love with a fanatstic man who loves me right back. he is brillaitn with teh children, Ds in particular.

it may not happen overnight but it will happen.

the fact that you are feeling this way indicates to me that your not ready to have somenoe in your life right now.

you will find someone when the time is right for all of you

My thoughts are with you maddie, I was in the same place as you until recently, but now I feel that I am worth more.

I have found that my friends and family have been amazingly supportive once I let them into my world.

Do you have anyone you can talk to in real life?

Keep posting here MN is amazingly supportive.

Abdelia I'm not ready for that I know I'm not. I know maybe I could in the future but what would be the point when, even if I did it on the basis that is was just a bit of fun, if I met someone who might be a "keeper" and the feeling was mutual, there was no way it could happen because who would want to know once they found out what goes on in my life on a daily basis.

The break up was complicated. He still cared about me but we both know we can't be together. He didn't run off with someone but it made it impossible for me to trust him. Being without him used to be my worst mightmare for lots of reasons, practical and the fact that I loved him so much. Now I know there's no hope and would be none even if he begged me. In fact, once, he did and it was horrible.

Oh MM I'm very sorry that you're feeling such despair. You are in a very difficult and painful situation, I can see.

I'm in a bit of a rush, but I wanted to just suggest something about the possibility of a romantic relationship in the future.

If your ex-husband is sharing care, it will be possible for you to go out and meet people at some point - and if he has your children overnight, it will be possible to sustain a relationship. I know several people who are having relationships where they only see their lover once or twice a week. I do understand that having a child with SN must make this seem like an unclimbable mountain, but I hope it's not.

I think it might be easier if you can separate the two problems - the immediate, searing pain of your separation, and your worries about not finding love in the future. When the pain subsides, it will be easier to find clarity on the second issue, or at least to start problem-solving to enable yourself to snatch some time for yourself.

Good luck, I'm sorr your feeling so low.

God, I really feel for you. And don't beat yourself up, a bit of feeling sorry for yourself (for a short period of time, mind!) can do you wonders.

Try a bookby Paul McKenna called 'I can mend you broken heart'. Sounds very cheesy I know, but it basically teaches you ways to utilise a different way of thinking to break habits that remind you of him, to cope with the loss of your dream, to move on and learn some things for the future.

It is definately a process and you need to go easy on yourself and look at it as a time to make some changes to how you think and interact with the world. I know caring for your kids means that you can't just go out and start a dance class every Wednesday, but there are little things you can do to help look after yourself, but at the moment you are not quite at this stage.

Buy the book, have a go at some of the exercises, and see how you get on.

Trust me, there are definately men out there for you, but just not quite yet!

xXx

Mamazon and Mist that's encouraging. Mamazon where did you meet him? (Not specifically! but you know.. how...) You're right, I'm not ready. But I don't want to feel so lonely like this forever. I am lucky enough to be able to say I never knew what loneliness felt like until recently.

Finding it hard to open up to friends now becuase they go all protective and watchful, or angry at ex P again and I can't deal with that anymore. it's exhausting.

Duke I would like to get that book. I will look for it.

It doesn't really sound as if your exH is sharing the childcare - seeing a child "weekly-ish" is just not good enough IMVHO. Can't he have them all every other weekend, to give you a break? That would be totally normal, standard practice.

Our daughter can't be cared for anywhere but here at home (or at a respite centre). He does have the others when he can. I dont really see that he can have them more often.

And one day I cam going to discover he's in a new relationship (I hope he tells me; we have discussed this). God knows how I'm going to cope then in more than one respect. He'll be busier and more preoccupied and I'll, no doubt, be broken hearted all over again.

Could he stay in the family home a couple of night a week while you stay at his place so that you can rest and your DD gets the care she needs? I have friends who did this and it seemed to work OK.

Also, re your friends. Can you spell it out to them that you would love their company and friendship but don't want to talk about your ex. I know I've been in a lot of situations where I haven't really know whether to talk about something or not and ended up shunning the frienship completely, which is probably the worst thing to do.

Sorry about the almost illiterate post, I normally preview.

why can he not come over care for your dd a couple of evenings a week whilst you go out?

Agree with chopchopbusybusy - if you daughter with SN cannot be cared for elsewhere, your exH should spend Friday to Monday at your house every other weekend caring for her and your other children.

Of course you are feeling depressed in your situation - far too great a caring burden is being placed on your shoulders. You need to sort this out ASAP.

I really feel for you, I hope you can find some support here and in RL. I like the sound of the Paul McKenna book, have a look?

I haven't got time to post for long, but I just wanted to let you know that I have a child with significant disabilities, noone else can look after etc, and have to deal with her dad (not an easy person) on at least a weekly basis. 3 years ago I met the most amazing man who loves me to death and I am happier than anyone I know. The "baggage" is just a non-issue when you meet the right person, I promise. And as for feeling like you'll never make love again, I had probably clocked enough of that within a month of meeting him than in seven years with my dc's father!

You sound despairing, but your gloomy thoughts are not an accurate picture of your future at all - it really is all yours for the taking, once you've dusted yourself off and got a bit happier in yourself first. Then the world's your lobster, I promise

Lots of sensible ideas on here already., MM. Just wanted to send you some support too and the encouraging story of a friend of mine who met his wife whilst she was delivering her very severely disabled son to respite care. He was one of the carers there - they have been very happy together for years now.

BitOfFUn LOL that's made me smile.. "clocked enough of "that" " Good for you. That sounds great. I love that your "baggage" is a non issue. I had a nice thought the other say about soulmates. Don't know if they exist or not but always knew ex P probably wasn't one even when we were happy. Doesn't mean I wasn't meant to be with him all those years I guess. But perhaps there is a "soul mate" who really wouldn't mind my baggage out there; altho lord knows how you're supposed to find them!

DropDead Fred I really don't have anywhere to go! He does come round while I take two of the older ones to judo twice a week though. But that's not for me obviously although I quite like going.

ChopChop yes I think I am going to have to be a bit more assertive about friends (one in particular) and their opinions. It's a big source of stress to me.

Wow NQGU that's inspiring. I had wondering if someone who worked with disabled people might be a (long distant) future possibility, if they didn't mind "taking their work home" so to speak.

Maddie, a good friend of mine was in exactly your situation 2 years ago. Now she is happily married to a guy she got talking to in the supermarket! He loves both her dds (one with severe SN) as own and I've never seen her happier.
It will happen for you one day, but for now you need to mourn for your marriage and what might have been and this will take time but you will be so much stronger for it.

Haven't had time to read the whole thread (sorry) but just wanted to pop in and say that my 84-year old granny has just fallen in love .