How do you live with fact that you will probably never have another realtionship/be loved in "that way" ever again?

[MaddieMoonlighting]

I know this sounds like I'm having a real pity party, for which I apologise, but I have to face facts and it's very probably true. I can't see how it could easily be any other way.
I split with my husband, who was the love of my life, last year. It still hurts so much. Eveywhere I seem to look everything is family-orientated. I know all is often what it seems but many husbands are loving a faithful I know that and I so wish it could have been that way for us/me. I have my children and I know I'm loved but nothing feels the same anymore. Even friendships with close friends feel different. I feel so alone.

All my plans for the future seemed to be shelved or gone. We were going to grow old together. I feel so bereft that that is all gone now. We, my husband and I, still have to be in constant touch with each other with we have a daughter whose disabilites means she needs a lot of care. He is a good dad and fits helping me out with her around his work but sometimes I find it so hard seeing him all the time.

My life as a carer seems to stretch ahead endlessly. I love my children and they love me but I never imagined not being someone's wife (preferably the father of my children's!) as well and living our lives together.

I don't want to be with anyone else - I am still grieving for "us" but one day I might and there is no way anyone would take on the baggage that comes with me. They would have to be mad - or odd. Sometimes I think "well maybe I could have a loving relationship with someone; they don't have to deal with the day to day mucky caring jobs for a child/disabled young adult who is not even their child!" but I suspect I might think less of him for not wanting/being happy/willing to share in all that is my life especially when it is all so exhausting/debilitating an I could so use the help.

And besides I don't have time/money to spend on myself so nobdy would ever look twice at me anyway so the above concern is jumping the gun big time. I also don't/can't go anywhere to meet people. It's difficult to even vist friends. My life revolves around my teenagers/children and trying to meet their needs while caring for the disabled one.

It's all quite hopless and sometimes I find myself fantasising about writing a long list so that the people who had to take control of it all in my absence (probably social services!) would know what to do (eg no appointments missed/what my daughter likes to eat/how to give medicines etc) .. and then disappearing. I don't know how I would "disappear". I don't want to die; I just never wanted to live like this and don't now. But it alarming how often I find myself pondering this.

I would never do anything that would cause my children harm or distress though so I won't be disappearing.

I just think that being in your 30s is very young to be fairly damn sure that nobody will ever love you again. AND that you will probably never MAKE love again. (I know anyone can get out there and have sex but that's never been for me and I'm not doing that.)

I suppose I just want some (genuine) thoughts of encouragement. I keep telling myself this phase will pass. But because of the situation I am in I really cannot see any kind of actual happy ending. I don't want a fairy tale, I learnt the hard way they don't exist. I just something to look forward to in the future. But my future is almost without doubt, what I am living now.

Again, apologies for the tone of self pity. I don't DO self pity outwardly to the world so that is why I need to do it here.

I feel so sorry for you. I could be writing your posts. My DH, whom I have known for nearly 30 years, left us in the summer to pursue 'different life choices'. Awful. And yes, I too have to be jolly and let him see the DCs whenever he wants.
It is like a bereavement and we are mourning the loss of the future we thought we had.
I do believe things happen for a reason so hope you and I both have a happier 2009.

I went n a hen weekend. he was at the same hotel with a stag do.
we chatted whilst away and we got on well but i had no intention of being anything more than mates.
we facebooked when we returned home and it just escelated from there. all very slow, but it meant nothing happened until i felt ready.

You will find someone suitable. just dont rush yourself.

I do understand and sympathise - this is a situation I could well be in myself very soon. The fears you describe have kept me hanging in there with a man who tbh I probably would have already left in different circumstances.

But - if it does happen, I will accept it's happened for a reason, whatever that may be. I really hope better things are on the way for you - stay strong, and believe that you deserve them so you don't overlook any opportunities! A friend's mum met her dh when he got stuck down a manhole(!) You just never know where you might meet someone..

Dear Maddie,
My heart really goes out to you. I know what it is like to grieve the family. I was dunped whilst pregnant and I loved him but we weren't together long and now I amnot sure if we were right for each other but this is not how I imagined it to be either. When I was little I always thought I'd find the one and we'd be together forever. I was devastated when we split but I can imagine that's only a fraction of what you are going through.
Nowadays there is no such thing as the perfect family and you are a strong woman who can hold it togather. I know that won't make you feel better but I keep repeating it to myself and it does help. Mabe your husband will come back to you one day. Once you have children with someone you are linked forever so in that way your hearts will always be connected. Think of it like that. There can be great love between two people but it isn't always enough. If he dosn't come back you will find love again if you want to. Mabe not the same burning love but a different love.

With the greatest respect, posh - arse! There is no reason at all why Maddie won't end up ten times happier and find a fantastic guy who puts her ex in the shade and makes him look like the snivelling weasel he is for walking on on her.

I truly don't really want to diminish your own experience, am just saying it's by no means like that for us all, and if I had sat round "waiting" and pining for my twunt of an ex I would have missed out on A LOT. Onwards and upwards Maddie, honestly

Sherbert I feel for you so much. Thank you. I too want to believe in a better new year but it's hard because each new year in recent years I have allowed myself to feel hopeful and the fact that I also felt that way for the 2007/2008 one is laughable. We were trying to sort ourselves out; make new beginnings but it all went very wrong. Although he knows he ended the marriage, he is going through a process both with and separate to me and at the moment seems to want to blame me for things for which I'm not actually responsible. I take full responsibility for bringing "baggage" to the marriage all those years ago but what happened in the end was not about me, unless trying to hard to be what you thought your disatisfied husband wanted is also a big factor. Perhaps it is.

He is having counselling too. Ours was a long, intense relationship packed with adversity which wasn't our fault in many respects (just circumstances) so its only to be expected that we both need help, really, to get through this part and let go. But because we see each other so much, too much, more than is healhty, we end up discussing our respective counselling sessions, among other things, and it saddens and frustrates and upsets me that his counsellor is getting a warped version of events - not because of what the counsellor thinks but because my husband is currently putting himself in a place where he can hide hehind half truths in order to make himself feel better. And thats not healthy the functional friendship we need to build in order to be what we need to be for our children, particularly dealing with DD-related challenges. But worse still, with painful honestly, I think it's allowing us to cling a bit. Not with any real hope, but just because letting go completely is too painful and too final. But hanging on hurts too because the truth is always there - that we coudln't make this work ever again.

Perhaps this is all normal at the end of a long relationship though. Perhaps I am guilty of doing the same (wraping events to myself and the counsellor) to some degree and perhaps we HAVE to go through this.

I think I must have had quite a blase attitude to other peoples' break ups in the past. I couldn't have conceived of these constant and varying waves and agony that wash over me (and him) and then recede.

Thank you Posh for your words and LOL BotOfFun I hope you are right. But yes sometimes I think well if all else fails realtionship wise (as I can't help fearing it might) at least I have HAD the love of my life. "Better to have loved and lost.." and all that. But that is a sad thought that doesn't help me much in getting through the challenges of the days.

I did feel better though yesterday afternoon, after reading your posts on this thread and people's experiences and those of people they knew. I had a counselling session yesterday afternoon as well and I told her as much.

And then I let ex P (H) stay over (In one of the younger childrens' beds obviously! And the child slept with me!)because his heating at his place is broken and it was -7 last night, and this morning he was full of negativity. Because it hurts us both doing anything that resembles our old life I guess but we find outselves doing it even though it's a sham and a shadow of our old family situation in its hey day anyway.

i realise what i said was patronising and actually puke making, out of order -apologies. didnt mean it like that. what i really mean wont make things easier but it is that having a partner isnt the key to happiness necessarily although it is wonderful if you have that. through my grieving process ive got to the point where i feel happy on my own and therefore now have more faith that i am worthy of love in the future. i have been there when you feel like that won't happen and it's tough and lonely. it takes time to heal and old feelings may resurface but yes i do agree that you can and will find love in the future. dont listen to me- am not love's expert and/or sane about things atm.

and yes onwards and upwards definately!

Maddie, just come to this thread and haven't read all of it but my heart goes out to you. My ex left me two years ago and although my DD isn't SN I felt awful for a long time. Every where I went there seemed to be families. And posh is right, there's no such thing as the perfect family these days. I'm 51 and although I've just had to finish the relationship, I did meet someone a few months ago and fell in love. I got over the ex and was able to feel strongly for someone again. I'm hopeful that sometime in the future I will meet someone who's really right for me and I know there are men out there. And Bramshott, hope your gran is very happy - what a lovely story!

Thank you.

The thought of being "madly in love" ever again seems foreign and unthinkable. And actually that's mainly because, apart from the problem of WHO this might be, is the fact that how do you ever build up the kind of trust required to make it safe to feel like that, when you've been through certain experiences? I can't imagine.. and it just seems to generate more hopelessness...

In a way, although I don't seem to be able to help the way I feel, I probably shouldn't be allowing myself to worry about never loving/being loved again, because, as you can probably tell from my ramblings, the ex and I are still in such a difficult place in dealing with the demise of our relationship. We still seem to stuck in a cycle of stoking the embers of our dead marraige just to see if we still care.. even though we know it will hurt because there's no hope.

Hmm, you sound like you need to stop picking the scab to be honest. I haven't gone back and re-read, but did you say that ex looks after dd at your home? Can you say for sure this is essential? If he got set up in half-decent accommodation and could do his bit from there, I feel a massive load would be lifted. It would give you the time and space to meet hot new man grieve the end of your marriage without dwelling on him. Is there something you could do to bring this about?

Posh, I didn't want you to feel bad, I just thought your post sounded a bit wistful, and that the OP is bashing herself enough with that particular stick as it is! Hope you are ok x

Oh and Maddie- a tip for your ex: buy a hot water bottle and keep your negativity to yourself, thanks very much!

Ladies, can I put my two pennies worth in again?

I think this notion of one 'soulmate', just one perfect man out there for you is rubbish. This myth keeps us girls in crap relationships and contributes towards this feeling of dispair that alot of us have at the end of a relationship that the OP is going through right now. That we have had our chance at 'the one' and we failed and that there is no-one out there for you.

There are loads of different guys in the world (its a big place!) that you could have a great relationship with. There are also loads of horrible ones too! And it might even be that there are people who 'work' for one period of your life, but not another, so could never possibly have been the one for your whole life. Does that make sense?

So, OP, it might be that your husband was the one for you for the life you have had - creating and bringing up a beautiful family, with all the ups and downs that entails.

And somewhere round the corner is a life which is a little bit more about you, where you spend time with someone who makes you feel great and also adores your DCs, because they are obviously a massive part of your life.

Maybe, you will take up a new hobby you never even looked at together? Or maybe move to another part of the country? Or maybe just find someone to share that hobby of yours that your ex never did get.

What I am trying to say is the future will be different and there are loads of different men who could be great at sharing part of your future. Its not a case of 'oh well, you mucked that one up, thats your lot, no more love for you!'.

Maybe getting rid of this notion of 'the one' will help us all open ourselves up to a very different and bright future?

I been there too Maddie. So low after love of my life dumped me, that I couldn't get out of the kitchen to feed my kids, night after night.
Four years on and I am so relieved that I've left the person I was then behind. Not that I didn't like myself really, but what you should remember is that YOU will change over time too, your needs, interest and yes, even appearance will differ to what you see today.
So it's not a question of being able to stay in the same place and deal with it even; your self will move on whether you ask it to or not. Just try to stick a smile on your face now and again and go on a day at a time. People will be smiling back at you!

Are you seeing individual councellors since the split, or has it always been like that?

Duke your post made me cry. I really idenitify with what your saying and I hope it happens that way for me. Thank you too Truly and BitofFun (BoF your posts make me smile.. and in a hopeful way!)

BlaDe we had a lot of counselling together when we were still trying to make a go of it. It started off being to help us shoulder the stress that we were under from other sources (DD and more) but ended up being about us and our issues.

I am having counselling now because I sensed I would need it when we first split up and after a bit of a rocky start I am now finding it (and her, the counsellor) really helpful. He's having it because of specific issues that brought about the end of our marriage; some addictive issues and about his seeming need to be deceitful. But I'm not sure if that's what his counsellor is hearing to be honest; it probably sounds like 6 of 1, half dozen of the other the way he tells he. It WAS in some ways.. but not at all in others and he knows it. But I guess that's up to him; it's his business and his counselling to use as he wishes.

Did the Couple Councelling help at all, or did it help you to decide that a split was inevitable?

Well done you for finding more help to see you through a difficult time.

I expect you have about the same baggage as lots of other people! I felt very very alone for decades, and it was a major step for me to realise that I was wrong in thinking I was unlovable. I'm still wrong in lots of my thinking and have to keep checking myself.

You will get there as you go through the grieving process, the anger and all the other emotions. It is much harder when you have children, but you will still get there.

Meant to say before BitOfFun, yes, picking te scab is exactly what we're doing. We don't seem to be able to stop yet altho I think it is is evolving as we go along. There's virtually no physical contact now (ie hugs etc) but we still seem to rush to text each other news etc when really each other should not be who we turn to each time we've got some trivia to share. It's really just old habits dying hard but also, speaking for myself, we were so close that there is suddenly a huge void and in some ways it's as if he is still partly filling it - but it's still a void IYSWIM? - and I think it's the same for him with me. We are slowly learning to be more independent of each other I think. But is IS slow and feels like two stsp forward, one bacm or vice versa quite often. It's funny, in the years leading up to the split I didn't think he needed me at all anymore, but I can see he did - he just took me, and my love for him for granted.

Also, yes, when he has some half decent accomodation, as opposed to what he's got now, yes it's possible that he may be able to look after DD at his place. We are a while off that happening though unfortunately. But yes, that would make things easier for us both I think.

BlaDe, the counselling we had together was always aimed at helping us to stay together. Spitting up was always unthinkable for some many reasons, many of them practical. (So it's unsurprising we feel the way we do now really.) His counsellor is now suggesting that we do have a little more counselling together to help us to let go but be able to be the friends we need to be to manage the lives of the kids between us in a functional way without causing each other all this hurt forever.

I just wish I could let go of what might of been. Snd gain some faith that somewhere in the future I might have another loving relationship preferably with a man I can trust this time. Do they exist really, I wonder?

Sundays are so dire. I am fed up with feeling so bloody alone all the time. Infact I feel alone even in company but on Sundays there never is any; everyone is busy doing family stuff. And if I do get invited anywhere the invitation does not extend to DD because incorporating her needs into any types of plans is just too distruptive; they hope she is at respite care of that her father can come and look after her.

The ironic thing is if I invited him here he'd probably come; he is lonely too. Why oh why oh why did it all have to get f*** up? We used to be a functional family; we could have gone from strength to strength. I loved him so much. Too much. Instead, he was weak. I gave him so many chances. But he couldn't stop his behaviour and I couldn't take it anymore,

I don't know what I feel for him. I look at him sometimes and I really don't know. I don't know whether I love him or hate him. Both I think. But I have expressed so little of the anger I feel because I just can't. We have to maintain a functional realtionship for the sake of DD.

Sometimes I just want to SCREAM at him and tell him to leave me alone and that I just can't take this pain, of seeing him but not being able to be with him, anymore. Other times I just need him to hug me. And he does but that just tells him I'm here for the taking I suppose. What's the point, there's no hope for us at all. He knows it too. And even while he says he loves me still he is busy talking to women online. He admits openly these days. Of course he can, he's single. I ask him questions about it in an extremely unhealthy masochistic way and he tells me; that's just cruel really.

And I am nowhere NEAR that place where I even want to THINK about doing anything like that; I cannot conceive of the idea in fact if I ever DID want to, I couldn't do it like that. It's all so tacky and pointless and would remind me constantly of one the reasons we can't be together.

The pain is so endless and I am so fed up. I keep telling myself "this too shall pass" but WHEN? Months and months of pain and no way out. I hate it. I hate myself. And I hate him for doing this to us.

Maddie, something you need perhaps to write down and stick on your mirror is this: 'Having a relationship is not the answer'. I appreicate that you are in pain (and in a difficult situation WRT the extra care responsibilities) but you seem to think that the only thing that will make life better is a Man.
Agree with the posters who say that your XP should spend every other weekend doing the childcare so that you can have a social life: think about things you enjoy whether it's stock car racing, knitting, country walks or salsa dancing, and look for classes/groups that focus on that shared interest. You need something to think about other than your DCs needs and 'relationships'.

Oh SolidGold I don't want a MAN, I assure you! I am just pathetically and coninuously grieving the one man I can't have because he made that impossible. That's the only realtionship I want; the one I can't have. That man I married, the father of my children.

Yes I'll admit I worry about never having another realtionship - ever - because I have at the moment I cannot see how that could ever happen. Which is why I started this thread. Because when I take my self pitying head of my self pitying backside long enough to admit I may not feel like this (about my husband) forever.. all this bitterness, regret, love/hate and sadness; al that stuff I keep largely hidden and so real life people don't have to deal with it) it's then I realise that there is probably not going to be anything better waiting out there in the future.

But as for thinking "all I need is a man", no really that's not it. Sorry if my post sounded that way. I'm just grieving my lost family set-up and I really need to get over it. I am typing myself in knots today with no outlet otherwise I wouldn't have posted.

Your exH dumped you? For reasons you don't understand, so you are blaming yourself? If he dumped you and left you holding the babies, for reasons of his own, then that is HIS problem. Horrid for you though. Really horrid.

Try to be kind to yourself. You sound as though you are reeling from the blow. It is such a betrayal.

The reeling will stop and you will recover. Keep posting.

Maddie: TBH your XP sounds like a prize pillock in a lot of ways. Men who are the Lost Love of One's LIfe always are. They often love counselling becuase a counsellor is yet another captive audience they can sigh meaningfully at, and go on and on about how difficult it is to be them, poor lost souls too frail to put the bins out or actually treat a woman like a human being. It's very tempting to make all sorts of allowances for them and tie yourself in knots trying to be The ONe for them, but it's never worth it, they are in love with themselves.
There will come a day when you will be able to appreciate his charm and good qualities (OK he is sharing the care of his DC which is all to the god) while regarding his less good qualities with a kind of tolerant derision. ANd the day won't be that long in coming, honest.

He didn't dump me exactly; as good as I suppose. What he did was make it impossible for us to be together. I had told him and told him that I couldn't tolerate what he kept repeatedly doing and had been doing for a long time off and on. (It involved messing around with women online primarily).

I suppose I do blame myself. If I could have been enough for him this wouldn't have happened. But I have been told by my counsellor that I am unlikely to be the reason, so my common sense knows that it is unlikely to really be more fault. But the end result is the same - the family got broken up. I feel so unsure about everything except that there is obviously no way forward for us anymore. But I am so scared about the alternative future now.

Maddie: the man didn't want a monogamous relationship. You did. That doesn't make either of you wrong, it means you're not suited to a couple relationship, end of.