How do you live with fact that you will probably never have another realtionship/be loved in "that way" ever again?

[MaddieMoonlighting]

I know this sounds like I'm having a real pity party, for which I apologise, but I have to face facts and it's very probably true. I can't see how it could easily be any other way.
I split with my husband, who was the love of my life, last year. It still hurts so much. Eveywhere I seem to look everything is family-orientated. I know all is often what it seems but many husbands are loving a faithful I know that and I so wish it could have been that way for us/me. I have my children and I know I'm loved but nothing feels the same anymore. Even friendships with close friends feel different. I feel so alone.

All my plans for the future seemed to be shelved or gone. We were going to grow old together. I feel so bereft that that is all gone now. We, my husband and I, still have to be in constant touch with each other with we have a daughter whose disabilites means she needs a lot of care. He is a good dad and fits helping me out with her around his work but sometimes I find it so hard seeing him all the time.

My life as a carer seems to stretch ahead endlessly. I love my children and they love me but I never imagined not being someone's wife (preferably the father of my children's!) as well and living our lives together.

I don't want to be with anyone else - I am still grieving for "us" but one day I might and there is no way anyone would take on the baggage that comes with me. They would have to be mad - or odd. Sometimes I think "well maybe I could have a loving relationship with someone; they don't have to deal with the day to day mucky caring jobs for a child/disabled young adult who is not even their child!" but I suspect I might think less of him for not wanting/being happy/willing to share in all that is my life especially when it is all so exhausting/debilitating an I could so use the help.

And besides I don't have time/money to spend on myself so nobdy would ever look twice at me anyway so the above concern is jumping the gun big time. I also don't/can't go anywhere to meet people. It's difficult to even vist friends. My life revolves around my teenagers/children and trying to meet their needs while caring for the disabled one.

It's all quite hopless and sometimes I find myself fantasising about writing a long list so that the people who had to take control of it all in my absence (probably social services!) would know what to do (eg no appointments missed/what my daughter likes to eat/how to give medicines etc) .. and then disappearing. I don't know how I would "disappear". I don't want to die; I just never wanted to live like this and don't now. But it alarming how often I find myself pondering this.

I would never do anything that would cause my children harm or distress though so I won't be disappearing.

I just think that being in your 30s is very young to be fairly damn sure that nobody will ever love you again. AND that you will probably never MAKE love again. (I know anyone can get out there and have sex but that's never been for me and I'm not doing that.)

I suppose I just want some (genuine) thoughts of encouragement. I keep telling myself this phase will pass. But because of the situation I am in I really cannot see any kind of actual happy ending. I don't want a fairy tale, I learnt the hard way they don't exist. I just something to look forward to in the future. But my future is almost without doubt, what I am living now.

Again, apologies for the tone of self pity. I don't DO self pity outwardly to the world so that is why I need to do it here.

I hope so SolidGold. Your description doesn't sound that far off to be honest. I wouldn't say he's in love with himself but he does love to present a charming picture of himself to the outside world (and lap up positive attention) which is actually only half of who he is. And yes he does love counselling - and counsellors seem to love him! (Except for mine.. she has never met him but she does not love him!!)

Your ex H chose online relationships instead of a real one? Bloody hell, no wonder you couldn't take it. What an idiot he is. That was a clear enough message.I think Solidgold has a point about councelling and a captive audience. If he starts a relationship again he will likely behave in the same way.

In time you would have broken yourself trying to makes things ok and making excuses. Your children would suffer dreadfully too.

It's sometimes hard to accept that some people are plain mad or very very stupid, when we love them.

Sometimes life happens and we can't make plans, or make sense of what to do next. Sometimes we have to get on with it somehow and live from day to day, and try to get as much external support as we can. The clouds will lift, really they will!

ok, how long have you been separated?
do you want a new realationship or just the old one back?
The lonliness is difficult to deal with.
i can imagine your confidence and trust have taken a bashing so you are questioning if a new relationship could work.
i think i can understand some of the issues you are dealing with, i have kids with SN too.

Just wondering if you are a poster that I spoke to offline a few times?

I think what has to be accpeted (and it is often very hard to accept at the time) is that sometimes someone just doesn't love you - at least, not in the sense of wanting a lifelong, sexually exclusive relationship with you. It's not your fault and it doesn't mean you are 'unloveable'. But you have to accept it or you will drive yourself mad, because there is absolutely nothing you can do to make a person 'love' you when he or she does not.

Maddie, your ex-p sounds like a tit, sorry. Not only that, but he is now using you when it suits him... (your response to 'I need somewhere warm to stay, my heating is broken', should have been 'get a hotel then', or an offer to lend him a hot-water bottle or an extra blanket or two... not letting him into your home) and making your life unbearable in the process. I know (have been through a - thankfully relatively un-acrimonious - divorce) how hard it is to break that feeling of dependence, but it's the only way to feel even remotely stable - let alone happy - in the future.

No-one knows what the future may hold. There is no reason why you shouldn't have a wonderful relationship in the future with someone who really loves you (really loves you, unlike your ex, who clearly doesn't know the meaning of the word). But you need to deal with the here-and-now first before you can move on.

I'm sending you lots of love and best wishes, and I hope things work out for you.

Maddie, I feel for you as I have had similar. Hang in there it will get better. Recently I read a really good book called 'leaving him behind' about how to break free from the aftermath of a failed relationship and it has really helped me break some destructive habits of still sharing things with my ex that we shared when we are together. It has helped me see that to move forward I had to change they way I saw him and my behaviour. Sending you hugs, you will get through this take it one day at a time

Right that two books I need to get and fast. I am going straight onto Amazon after this.. for the Paul McKenna one (I Can Mend Your Broken Heart) and this Leaving Him Behind one.

I really need to (leave him behind) but God it's so hard. I know these are just excuses, even if they're good ones, but it's so hard to do what you all say. He has a medical condition so it's hard to let him be too cold in the place he currently lives (and the hot water/heating really are virtually non existent). DD2 usually stays at his on a Sun night at H drops her off on the way to work. Last night I dropped her over there and once there she wasn't well (tummy ache and then threw up; had been to Pizza Hut with friends and just overeaten I think with hindsight) so as I prepared to take her back home again she got really upset and said she wanted to come home but wanted her dad to stay too, as when we split, one of the things he agreed was to her request that if she was ill, he would sleep in her room with her etc (he's always been really good when they're ill).

So we left and he followed us shortly after.

And when he's here like that it's so painful because it's almost like the odd days.. but not. And the not is so obvious and hurts so much.

Another thing is that money is so tight (he's really not earning much at present due to not doing many hours due to his health) that I CAN'T say "go to a hotel if you're cold" - the money situation just doesn't allow for that. And I don't feel able to just switch off caring about him at all to the extent that I say "sorry, but you'll just have to manage". Also, that would ruin the friendship we need to maintain/cultivate in order to care for the kids/especially DD1 together.

He also does his washing here himself on the nights he babysits because of me being at judo with the others. So his clothes are often here. It's a CONSTANT reminder of the family we used to be but can't be anymore.

And to see him less would hurt the children and I can't be responsible for that more than they have been already. My peace of mind (and who's saying I'd get any from seeing him less?) is just not that important when compared to that of my kids. You have to put your children first don't you. And DD2 is so fragile about it all. Through the tears last night she confessed that she thought Daddy would be "coming home" at some stage but "that isn't going to happen is it"? I could have howled with her.

How do I manage this? We are hurting our children. We are hurting ourselves. Although he seems less hurt than me on balance but that's just my point of view.

I don't think our views of "love" are the same. He claims to still love me "so much" but can switch it off in order to chat online with women. To be honest this is probably how he did it when we were still together. His and my versions of "love" are different and I need to be loved differently to the best he can offer. And I'm not sure I love him anymore anyway, which is all to the good.

He will be back later for an important DD1-related assessment (which we've been waiting form, for ages). The services which help us support DD are in awe - apparently - at the united way we continue to care for DD. But they can't see the bloody agony I'm in. And I can't see past it.

Have ordered the books and hang the expense.

When I don't see him and am left to my own devices for periods of time I feel more depressed I think (not actually prone to true depression I don't think, but best way to describe it// a sad/hopless sort of feeling) but possibly more "in control". I suppose that is telling me something.

I also feel that in all the years I was so "in love" with him, it was rather an obsessive, clingy love and and that this is why its so hard to let go now.

I did expect to feel better than this nearly five months after the split to be honest.

Typing things here is helping me clarify my thoughts and I will be able to discuss these things the counsellor tomorrow I hope.

i havent read much of this thread, but i have to say the title rang true with me.
i do feel terrified that nobody can or will ever love me like my ex used to, and i will have to spend my life never knowing that feeling again. It kills me.

So for now i am just putting up with meaningless flings to pass the time and give me sex..

Well you are braver than me AllGoneBellyUp ) Not that I'm in any place even near ready to do that or anything else, but I very much doubt I would be able to anyway.

I've read your posts on here; I think you sound like a person any number of guys would appreciate; I hope you find one eventually. I'm sure you will.

aw thanks maddie