Fiance took part in cult orgies!!

[mocca]

I've been with my fiance a whirlwind 8 months. He's warm and lovely and treats me really well. We live 200 miles apart and only see eachother fortnightly but hope to be together in a year or two (both currently have dependent kids). But something from his past is bothering me and made me question taking things further.

About 10 years ago around the time of a painful divorce, he decided to do some work on himself and got heavily involved in a cultish form of martial arts and also mysticism/spiritualism. This involved going to events which involved orgies (apparently uninhibited sex with strangers is a path to spiritual enlightenment!) and he actively took part. He also spent time on a course which involved pairing up with "friends" which again meant lots of shagging in the name of personal development. Visits to the far east also, climbing up volcanos, not eating for days and seeing things. Although he doesn't actively partake now, he talks about it incessantly and doesn't question it and if I dare venture even mild criticism he attacks me and I believe my views make him think less of me as a partner.

He also maintains he has physic powers gained from his martial arts training and still sees apparitions. The latest was at Christmas when he claims that a dead "Grandmaster" visited him in the shower and told him what a good woman I was and that he should nurture me! So I feel I'm with this lovely down-to-earth man who has this strange preoccupation to which he allows no criticism. It scares me a bit - he's like two people and it's making me wary.
Another issue is that we come from different backgrounds - I'm highly educated and although intelligent he's from a working class background and didn't get the breaks I did. I'm no snob or I wouldn't be with him but I have to modify my vocabulary all the time and our families/friends are very different. It's not too much of an issue now but could be in the future. I'm beginning to wonder if I should really slow things down and even whether the relationship has any future. Would be so grateful for opinions.

either you are making this all up / reading it off a cheap mag from the supermarket or you need to run the other way, fast.

sorry, nothing else comes to my mind.

i'd make a terrible therapist.

My advice would be to slam the brakes on here. 8 months isn't long into a relationship to be engaged, particularly if you don't even live together yet.
This martial arts / orgy stuff does sound a bit oddball to me, and from the way he is still going on about it, it sounds like something he is still into (even if not practising). What would you do if he took it up again and suggested you join in? He's already saying you are less of a partner for being cynical now, so it sounds like its a possibility.
As for the background thing - if you love each other then that shouldn't be a problem, but I think that your worries about the other stuff is making you question whether you are actually compatible with this man.

Well, slow down... you need to work out how much of a hold the mystical stuff has over him, and you don't know him that well as you don't see him that often. Some people do have rather odd pasts - we all do stuff when we are younger that we might not do now. The 'no criticism' bit rings alarm bells though. What if a grandmaster told him that one of the kids was evil or something? (sorry, been reading too many bad novels and take-a-breaks over Christmas probably)?

no way. you only see him once every two weeks and you've got these problems? i'd not only put the brakes on, but reverse double quick! maybe even a handbrake turn...

No not making it up foxy! Yes, it's weird but true. The more I think about it, the more uncomfortable I feel.

there is a difference between an odd past and seeing apparitions and thinking you have mystical powers and verbally attacking you

he sounds as though he has serious mental health problems

I think you need to step back and discuss the situation with someone in real life, if you can

I have just recently been involved with someone who was into this physic/spritualism stuff. He seemed to think he and his friends (mostly female) that he had met through these internet sites were on some sort of highter plane that I. The first sign of problems he went running back to his spiritual female 'friend'. I was hurt that the time but realise that I have had a lucky escape. I agree he has mental health problems and I would slow this right down.

I have some strong physic coincidental experience but an very cynical of the type of people who really believe they have extra powers.

Stop seeing him. He sounds like a weirdo. I wouldnt want him around my children. Harsh but true, sorry.

It sounds like shamanism to me and it's a bit whacky but I have met some deeply spiritual and good people involed in this.
I wonder why he left though and why he feels the needs to talk about it as if it was still a major influence?
The reason I ask this is that sometimes people use mysticism to elevate themselves to others and paint a false picture of emotional superiority in order to cover up some mental health issues. I think this is what creates a lot of fear and scepticism.
Perhaps he could tell you why he is no longer involved and how you can read up on it so that you don't have to accept all the information from him alone.

Funny abouteve, most of his friends seem to be female too, ones who he met through all this stuff. Airing this is making me start to see him in a whole new light. He even got me staring at a candle for hours the other night and said if I had any spiritual powers I might start seeing things!

I was in a very dark place because of this particular man and it's quite recent. Wanted to post about it all here but felt I couldn't through giving away tmi and/or feeling embarrassed about being taken in.

I'd be sceptical about these 'female friends'.

Have to go for now but keep posting if you feel the need. I wish I had.

I'm fairly sure from the last example that this is shamanism mocca. They use techniques such as staring to bring about "visions".
You may find some of it controversial and it certainly makes you question some of our conventional wisdom. Just don't take his word for it though, tell him you need time to understand where he is coming from before you try things out.
At least he's not drunk, abusive and controlling.

Yes, he talks about shamanism a good deal. Thanks abouteve, would love to hear your story but understand why you don't want to say too much.

put the brakes on!!!!!!!
you are going to have to have serious discussions about this...either that or run for the hills.

What concerns me more though lessonlearned, is that he turns really cold and quite angry when I question any of it. That to me is more worrying than the fact that he actually does/did it. The other day we were discussing our compatibility and he cited my views on all this as a problem. Surely any rational person would be able to accept the views of their partner in relation to something like this without becoming defensive. It makes me wonder whether he's been brain-washed and can't accept any criticism. He's a very normal, hard-working man who adores his two kids and all this other stuff just jars so much with that.

he's a fruit loop.

i would think very carefully before committing yourself to this man. Sorry got to pop out but will come back to this.

yes, thinking very hard thanks ladies. I've felt quite insecure about him from the start, despite the fact that he's very attentive and I wonder if it was my 6th sense alerting me about all this.

Sorry but I'd be long gone. He sounds weird. You have only been seeing him fortnightly and its for only 8 months? It sounds like you aren't comfortable with this so get rid.

have ou known about all of this since the beginning of your relationship, or has he just told you recently about it?

Hmmm mocca. From what you just said I think he maybe using a little bit of knowledge to play mindgames. No practicing shaman would do this.

I think you should listen to your gut feeling and end this relationship. This problem isn't going to go away, is it?

Run. Its been kept under wraps because you don't see much of each other. If your views can't be heard in a relationship its not a good one imo.

Oh God.

'Down to earth' and 'visits from my dead Grandmaster'. You see how the two don't go together?

Run like the wind.