Fiance took part in cult orgies!!

[mocca]

I've been with my fiance a whirlwind 8 months. He's warm and lovely and treats me really well. We live 200 miles apart and only see eachother fortnightly but hope to be together in a year or two (both currently have dependent kids). But something from his past is bothering me and made me question taking things further.

About 10 years ago around the time of a painful divorce, he decided to do some work on himself and got heavily involved in a cultish form of martial arts and also mysticism/spiritualism. This involved going to events which involved orgies (apparently uninhibited sex with strangers is a path to spiritual enlightenment!) and he actively took part. He also spent time on a course which involved pairing up with "friends" which again meant lots of shagging in the name of personal development. Visits to the far east also, climbing up volcanos, not eating for days and seeing things. Although he doesn't actively partake now, he talks about it incessantly and doesn't question it and if I dare venture even mild criticism he attacks me and I believe my views make him think less of me as a partner.

He also maintains he has physic powers gained from his martial arts training and still sees apparitions. The latest was at Christmas when he claims that a dead "Grandmaster" visited him in the shower and told him what a good woman I was and that he should nurture me! So I feel I'm with this lovely down-to-earth man who has this strange preoccupation to which he allows no criticism. It scares me a bit - he's like two people and it's making me wary.
Another issue is that we come from different backgrounds - I'm highly educated and although intelligent he's from a working class background and didn't get the breaks I did. I'm no snob or I wouldn't be with him but I have to modify my vocabulary all the time and our families/friends are very different. It's not too much of an issue now but could be in the future. I'm beginning to wonder if I should really slow things down and even whether the relationship has any future. Would be so grateful for opinions.

Could you tell me the exact martial art?
Dp does an obscure Japanese martial that does have an esoteric aspect but the only people who get obsessed by that part of it are generally mentally unbalanced.
I think that spirituality is fine but being abusive is not. I would slow the relationship right down iiwy.

What does your gut instinct tell you to do?

I have decided to finish it ladies, been thinking about it for the last couple of days and all this has helped. I don't recognise the man the more I think about it.
We had a bit of a scene a few nights ago anyway and I've just had a text from him saying could we cancel our upcoming weekend as he needs to be "elsewhere". This is totally uncharacteristic so think I'll take it as a sign and move on before it gets horrible.

I'm into some alternative stuff, and in the past have felt a bit lonely if whoever I was with didn't show an interest. But I would never criticize them for holding different opinions, go all cold and nasty or try and 'make' them stare at a candle or anything like that! I mean, don't you think it's a bit ironic that he's effectively boasting about being spiritual and also being unpleasant when you challenge him. Sounds like a paradox to me - like violent christians. Though sadly there are lots of them in the world too

I'd run a mile, not because of the shamanism (that isn't the problem here actually) but because of his attitude when you express different opinions. And you're only in the early stages of the relationship, aren't living together etc. It should be LOVELY now all daft and soppy and caring. Not like this...

Opps sorry cross posted. I think you have made the right choice. Big hugs x

yes cheerfulvicky, that's it, he turns into another person when I dare offer my opinion. I feel relieved in a way that I've now made the decision. Thanks.

Sorry but my 1st thought was did he practice safe sex? Alternative religons and beliefs are all very well but do you think there could be a chance that he maybe could be suffering from mental health problems. If not and he genuinely believes will he still want to practise group sex and how are you going to cope with that. You mention dependant children, so you have to consider how his ulternative life style will impact on them should you chose to move in together.

It sounds like the alarm bells are ringing very loud for you so put on the brakes

I agree with mp about the mental health problems.
WE all have things in our past we'd rather forget and if youd said 'well he did these orgies but now hates the thought of it and would never do it again' then fair enough.
The fact that he still believes all these things even though he's not 'actively partaking' should ring some alarm bells if you dont share those feelings with him.

He sounds odd, delusional, and I would worry about risk yourself and your children. I hope you manage to sort this out

I hope you are feeling OK mocca. It's heartbreaking to feel that the person you gave your love to has unusual issues. I felt that the others that shared these views would always come first. All nutcases together a sceptic would say .

Another vote for "Run".

I wouldn't get hung up on orgies he's done in the past, but he seems to be on a different frequency to you (and most other people) and that is not good in a marriage.

Also, if backgrounds are so different that you have to modify your vocabulary when talking to him, this will also be a problem in the long run. I don't see anyone being OK with dumbing down their conversation for their husband.

I got engaged to DH only a few months after getting together. Surely a big risk but it's worked for us. We are of different nationalities but share the same view of the world, friendships, marriage, raising children etc. And still we manage to bicker over the details I can't begin to imagine how life would be with someone with whom you hold irreconcilable views.

"Nurture" you? In what way? Thank would freak me out big time also if he is not open to being questioned that's a strange type of "spirituality". Agree, you should run, run, ruuuuuuuuuuuuuun!

Good one mocca, well done you. xx

Well done Mocca. Definitely sounds like the right decision.

Agree with Lessonlearned.
I don't suppose he comes from Totnes per chance?

Wow Wolfi - is he maybe a serial sham shamen?
Now i've read that back it sounds like a Bob Marley number!

just got back to this thread and looks like its all done and dusted anyway. well done mocca, you have done exactly the right thing, and had a very lucky escape methinks.

Lessonlearned, sorry I meant that Totnes has a higher than average mentally ill deeply spiritual community and Mocca's ex? fiance sounds very familiar.
Loving the new Bob Marley thing

No not from Totnes! Feel sad but strong tonight and a bit relieved. And hope that bloke doesn't reappear in my shower. Cheers everyone x

From what you say, mocca, he has a personality disorder, poss. borderline, and some strong associated aggrandised notions. I am not a psychiatrist, not immediately recognise what you say in 1. a friend of mine and 2. from some proff. experience of working with mentally disordered people.

Advice? Don't make any commitment to this bloke of any sort.

sorry, not not, but but, IYSWIM.

what kind of bollocks belief system he is into is not a problem so much as the way he handles it ie becoming agressive when the beliefs are questioned or criticized. If you were dating someone who was a member of a major religion who started insisting that you say prayers or change the way you dress and was angry if you refused to comply, that would be just as much of a no-no.

Yes, he may have mental health issues. Or he may just be a prat. Either way, you are best off out of it.

I'm sure your shower will be spiritguide free from now on.
I once read a book by Sheldon Kopp (sp?) called "If You Meet the Buddha on the Road - Kill Him". It's a bit of a warning about gurus who want you to follow their path ie not your own.
He might have found what he needed at the time in shamanic circles but from what I know of them they are not evangelical and don't go around scaring people with it.

RUN!!!!!

RUN FASTER!!!

So next time in the shower the Sensei will reappear and tell him to strangle you because you are a bad woman...

Seriously, please don't do this to yourself and more importantly to your kids.