My mum won't stop calling herself Mummy to DD.

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She's been doing it since DD was born 17 months ago. I've asked her not to, she says it's not on purpose and then carries on. I find it very upsetting and hurtful. Tbh I do think she's doing it on purpose as even when I've brought it up she's carried on. She's always undermining me, trying to grab DD when she's upset so this is just the icing on the cake. I feel like she's stealing my identity How the hell do I get her to stop? If I tell her to as it's hurting me she'll turn it round on me and make me feel silly, then carry on. She claims it's because she's not used to being a grandmother yet but it's been 17 months. Plus why would you call yourself Mummy to your DGD due to that?

Background is, we've had a very rocky relationship for years. She's quite selfish and narcissistic and a bit strange tbh. I can't stand her most of the time but I wanted DD to have a relationship with her nan. Now I wonder whether it's worth it. She's not that keen on me, she said she went off my sister and I when we grew up and became able to have our own opinions. She's always belittling me and making me feel like shit.

Sorry if I've missed any details out, it's hard to remember everything. Any advice would be appreciated.

with the background you have given YANBU

BUT be reassured your DD knows you are her mum

Stand up to her - be calm, polite and firm.

And avoid spending so much time with her since she makes you feel like crap.

I'm afraid I'd be one of those hard-faced-cut-my-nose-off-to-spite-my-face type of angry people and tell my mum to stop it or DGD doesn't see her anymore. Simple. Although I imagine you don't really want to do that do you?

How very odd.

I think I'd probably come up with a stock phrase to use every single time she does it.

Something like
"No, you are DD's grandmother. I find it rather strange that you refer to yourself as her mother".

Or " you do realise it makes you look completely unhinged when you refer to my daughter as being yours".

Thanks ruby. I know DD knows I'm her mum, but I worry that it will confuse her when she's a bit older. My mum seems to want to be a super involved overbearing nan as my aunt is with her grandchildren. But I don't want or need that.

In years to come you can just correct her on front of your DD and explain loudly that sometimes older people get a bit confused.

She doesnt childmind your dd does she? As long as dd is with you more just keep saying 'Nana' or whatever to dd, and by the time she is a toddler your dd will correct her im sure

dd told me 'you said it wrong' repeatedly this morning when i said wash your hands instead of dry your hands, kids love picking up on mistakes!

Very odd. I'd be very unhappy about this too. Sounds like your mum has some serious ishoos.

If it's any consolation, your DD will sort her out as soon as she speaks. First time GM says, 'come to mummy', or whatever, your DD is likely to pipe up that 'you're not my mummy!'. That should shut her up.

In the meantime though, try again to ask her to stop. If she won't, then it looks like you might have to rise above it - perhaps make a joke each time you hear her do it. Make her look ridiculous, if you can (without obviously mocking her, of course).

If I were you I would try & regain some control and cut off all contact with her until she is able to understand that she is your DD's grandparent. Make sure she knows that the reason why you are suspending contact with her. She sounds horrible (sorry).

xposts. I try and avoid seeing her as much as possible but she only lives 10 minutes away and obv wants to see DD a lot. She's not really interested in seeing me and ignores me most of the time she's here. I have this irrational need to please her, it frustrates me but I can't help it. I'm usually like that 12 stone but I know it wouldn't work with my mum. She'd protest her innocence and turn it all on me. I think I will use a stock phrase Pooty, maybe that will get it through to her. She called me her granddaughter yesterday

She doesn't childmind her, no. I wouldn't trust her to tbh. My aunts and mum used to mind my younger cousins and would tell them horrible things about their parents, almost like trying to brainwash them. I could never let DD go through that. I had it when I was younger as well. My mum made me think my dad was horrible Luckily I realised she was lying before it was too late.

Hopefully DD will correct her when she's older. She doesn't even call me Mummy all the time yet, so I don't want someone else teaching her it before she calls me it. Cutting off contact would be my last resort. I have done that before DD was born and it caused ructions and was incredibly painful for me. I thought speaking to her would be better

Thanks for your advice and sorry for all the outpouring. Tis like therapy, this!

My MIL does this sometimes with my DS. But I genuinely think its just a slip of the tongue as she looks pretty embarrassed when she says it. She's 75 FGS it would be pretty weird if she were a 3 year olds mother!

I think there are other issues here and not just her refering to herself as Mummy. If you correct her every time she says it hopefully it'll sink in. However as she seems to be interfering in general with your relationship with your child I would try and distance myself from her for a while.

get a water-pistol, and evertime she does it, squirt her in the face. soon, she'll associate the wet-face with calling herself 'mummy' with respect to your DD and will stop. ;)

sorry, i know it isn't helpful, but I really like the mental image.

why not just make a point of calling her 'granny' everytime you are there? ie 'go and give Granny a cuddly' , 'oh doesn't granny's dress look nice', 'Let's go and ask granny' etc.

I would just correct her every single time-no matter how tedious it gets. Have a set phrase -like a record, (in a very bored way)-'You mean Granny, I am Mummy'.

I like the water pistol idea I say Nanny around her a lot beanie but it just doesn't get through to her.I'll just keep correcting her and mentally throwing a hammer at her head.

Buy this other labelled giftwear to help her failing memory.

lol heated, now that's a plan! I might buy DD a tshirt that says 'You are not my mother!'

Your Mum sounds very nasty. What exactly do you and dd get out of seeing her? dd might be too little to pick up on the angst right now but she will when she's older. I'd limit contact as much as possible if I were you.

My mother does this, although she insists on being called "mam" even though my DS calls me "mama."

She makes her other grandchildren call her it as well, and refers to my SIL as "mammy" even though she is "mum."

My mother, frankly, is barking. I don't know where she has picked this "mam" thing up from as we always called her "mother," "mummy" or "mum," never, ever "mam."

I have got my revenge by referring to her as granny whenever I can so that is what DS calls her.

Just tell her 'you are a granny now, get over it'. And every time she refers to herself as mummy tell her you will have her assesed for dementia as she doesn't seem to know who she is.

Seriously, she is being a pathetic bully, and she has broken your spirit long ago. You have to stand up to her.

the "mummy" thing sounds unhinged. the rest of what you've said sounds very nasty. keep a healthy distance from her.

Hm, I would modify it, so like if her first name is 'Jane', OP's mum (the granny) could become "Mummy Jane" when chatting with the OP's DD. That would be distinction enough for me.

What are you getting out of this relationship?. You would not put up with this from a friend so why should your Mum be any different?. She is disrespecting you by doing this and undermining your very authority with your own child. Your relationship has been and always will be rocky; these toxic people as well never accept responsibility for their actions let alone say sorry or apologise with any meaning.

If your Mother is indeed narcissistic (and from what you write of her this lady is both a deeply troubled and unpleasant individual) the only way forward here is to cut contact to an absolute minimum. Its the only way.

She is more than capable of doing to your child what she did (and is still doing) to you. These behaviours as well can and do become generational. Don't let her affect another generation.

Would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as a starting point.
Also read up on Narcissistic personality disorder.