My mum won't stop calling herself Mummy to DD.

[CharCharGaboriaInExcelsisDeo]

She's been doing it since DD was born 17 months ago. I've asked her not to, she says it's not on purpose and then carries on. I find it very upsetting and hurtful. Tbh I do think she's doing it on purpose as even when I've brought it up she's carried on. She's always undermining me, trying to grab DD when she's upset so this is just the icing on the cake. I feel like she's stealing my identity How the hell do I get her to stop? If I tell her to as it's hurting me she'll turn it round on me and make me feel silly, then carry on. She claims it's because she's not used to being a grandmother yet but it's been 17 months. Plus why would you call yourself Mummy to your DGD due to that?

Background is, we've had a very rocky relationship for years. She's quite selfish and narcissistic and a bit strange tbh. I can't stand her most of the time but I wanted DD to have a relationship with her nan. Now I wonder whether it's worth it. She's not that keen on me, she said she went off my sister and I when we grew up and became able to have our own opinions. She's always belittling me and making me feel like shit.

Sorry if I've missed any details out, it's hard to remember everything. Any advice would be appreciated.

I was just wondering if you have a partner/dh who could back you up on this. You would perhaps do better if you have someone to back you up.

If I remember rightly, my mum did this to my DD for a short while, and then kept (unconvincingly) correcting herself. My mum is pretty toxic though!

CharChar,

I can only reiterate what I wrote earlier:-

What are you now getting out of this relationship?. You would not put up with this from a friend so why should your Mum be any different?. She is disrespecting you by doing this and undermining your very authority with your own child. Your relationship has been and always will be rocky; these toxic people as well never accept responsibility for their actions let alone say sorry or apologise with any meaning.

She messed up badly with you and you're still feeling the fallout from her dysfunctional behaviour. You must stand firm with regards to your DD as she is more than capable of undermining her as well.

If your Mother is indeed narcissistic (and from what you write of her this lady is both a deeply troubled and unpleasant individual) the only way forward here is to cut contact to an absolute minimum. Its the only way. BTW as well narcissistic people will have no qualms whatsoever about upsetting their own kin.

She is more than capable of doing to your child what she did (and is still doing) to you. These behaviours as well can and do become generational. Don't let her actions affect another generation.

Your Mother will not change but you can change how you yourself react to her behaviour. I do not advocate cutting off a parent lightly but ultimately you may well have to do that for yourself and your DD.

Is your Dad around?. Was wondering what he's made of her behaviours.

Your mother is twisted, vendictive, and motivated by evil. She is trying to control you through your DD. This is just plain sick. And as your DD grows it will only get worse as more and more parental decisions are stripped away from you. What DD eats? What she watches on telly? Whether she can play with barbie? And so on...

What does your DP say about all of this?

I would just make myself busy and arrange to pop in to your mums house for an hour or two say once every week, maybe two. I would kick our out of your lives cold turkey because then you will be the bad guy for that. Just, oh no, I can't do today, we are off to X. How about Saturday? We can come round for lunch. Or, you could maybe get some free babysitting out of this. Perhaps drop DD with your mum (assuming you are comfotable with this) and you go have a nice break, maybe meet your DP for lunch and then go back to collect her. If she only see your DD a couple of hours per week she really can't do too much damage. And it won't get on your nerves because you won't have to listen to it.

Alternatively, teach DD to call all grown women "mummy". Or maybey teach DD to call her "Dummy" which is nearly the same word and DD ought to pick up very quickly. Or perhaps "Batty" would be a more appropriate name for your mum.

And if you get really honked off with your mum, ring SS and tell them you are concerned about early onset of alheimers and could they pay her a visit because she seems to think your DD is actually you 21 years ago because she keeps referring to herself as "mummy" and you are concerned for her welfare. (Alzheimer can set in in the 50s, although this would be unusually early)

Sorry, meant to say:

I would not kick her out of your lives cold turkey because...

Sorry, My internet broke last night. I do have a DP and he's not a big fan of her either. She mostly comes when he's at work though so he's not here to back me up.

My mum left my dad a few years ago for someone else. She lived abroad for a while. My dad thinks there's something wrong with her, with her whole family actually. They're not like other people. He's useful for ranting at!

She's already been funny about DD's food Athene. DD was blwed as she didn't want spoonfeeding. Whenever my mum was there when DD was eating, she'd freak out and say she was choking and get really overdramatic. In the end I had to shout at her as I didn't want DD picking up on her neuroses. Last time she was here she gave DD a while giant tube of milkybar buttons when I was putting together her Christmas present. DD obv didn't eat any tea then which was quite frustrating.

charchar

Your Mum's relationship with you is truly broken. This is not at all a healthy functioning relationship.

So her toxic neurotic behaviours continue with your own daughter. You cannot let this happen for both your sakes; you cannot let another generation become affected by her. Selfish narcissistic peiople like your Mum can and do cause untold damage to any relation unfortunate enough to come into contact with them for any great length of time.

Reckon as well she is also a really crappy gift giver at Christmas.

Don't let her in the house when your DP is at work; make other plans and keep putting her off.

Not at all surprised to read either that her ex husband and your DP dislike her intensely; she is a dysfunctional messed up person (along with the rest of her family, not at all surprised to read that either). You're probably the only one who she can come to now (everyone else has jumped ship as she is too difficult/dysfunctional/demanding/toxic to cope with) and that's only because you let her into your home and life.

As mentioned as well the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread is worth looking at.

Does your DD see your Dad? Is he normal? (He's abviously right about your mother's lunacy)

You definitely need to start controlling the visits on your terms. For example, do not have your mum round for feeding time. Make sure DD is well fed before your mum shows up, and then it doesn't really matter if she feeds her crap.

Again your Mother is using food to undermine your own authority as your DD's mother. This is also about power and control.

Infact I'd go further and not have her visit your house full stop. Make other plans, keep all contact with your Mum to the absolute minimum. Your Mum is both unwiling and unable to listen to any reasoned argument.

Yes, she may be your mum, but you are not responsible for her feelings. However, you are responsible for the well being of your child and from what you say, you should be protecting her from your mother! Can you honestly put your mum's feelings and wishes above the needs of your child? Your mum is already undermining you in front of your child and as your DD gets older, that will get worse. I don't usually advocate cutting contact, I know from experience how painful it can be, however, I also know that sometimes, it makes a point to the other person, ie: I will not let you continue to control my life, you either accept my rules on this issue, or you have no further contact. It is hard, but if she cares about you and your DD she will sort herself out, and if not, well at least you know and tbh, you won't have lost anything except an unhealthy relationship with someone who puts their own desires above the needs of their DD and DGD!

Thanks. My dad isn't like her, he's fab and we have a very close relationship. DD adores him and he's great with her. I do now avoid feeding DD meals in front of her as I want DD to enjoy food not have someone freaking out in front of her. I don't mind her spoiling DD a bit but it gets silly when she gives her too much junk. The only thing she's done for me in recent times is buy Cadbury's buttons instead of Nestle.

I'm going to have to think this over and talk to DP. My brain's just battered now. DD comes first but this is still going to be really hard.

does this ring any bells?

CharChar...
This all sounds so sad but i believe alot of it stems from jealousy and the realisation of what a crap mother she was to you whereas you and your own dd have a normal and healthy mother and daughter relationship..
Wish that i could offer some good advice but it's her with the problem and not you

your mother has a big problem, shes jealous of you, (you know this already), you cant fix her, or change her behaviour. its not normal to want granchild to call you mummy, its denial of age and position in family, does she think strangers would believe shes your dc mum ?someone so far detatched from reality should be dragged kicking and screaming to the nearest mental health specialist... for a wee chat and a good dose of meds!.i had similar problem with my mother, when my sister anounced her pregnancy(first) mummy dearest went off on one, going on that it should be her that pregnant not sis, then started to hit sis, then demanded to be in the delivery room.when i announced pregnancies i have had various responces, including" ive booked you appointment for doctor to see about abortion","have the baby and i will bring it up as your sister then i can get a bigger council house,","i dont want you to be pregnant"(these were said to me when i was with ex h, living 60+ miles from her and in twenties),and again the classic" it should be me thats pregnant not you"- shes post menapausal ffs!.this woman has also said to sister when her baby girl died at birth of a rare tumour, that she had no right to allow a post mortam on their baby,as they would be cutting her up and stealling bits of her to display in glass jars!,my poor sister only wanted to help the doctors prevent another mum suffering what she did, neadless to say bro in law wanted to slap the old mentalist( but didnt cause he aint no woman basher,) for how she twisted the knife in my poor sisters broken heart!, sorry to go on, its just ive found the best way to deal with parents like that is to have nothing to do with them!

Gettingagrip, yes it does. Most of it anyway. I've just rung my dad and told him about your link and he agrees too. Although it's not very nice to know she's like that, it does make me feel a little better knowing that it's something wrong with her, and that nothing I can say or do can change the way she behaves. dsrplus8, your mum sounds terrible, you have my sympathy. I think I will be distancing myself from her a fair bit so I can decide what to do next. Thanks everyone for your input.

Haven't read all the posts so apologies if someone's already mentioned this. Get hold of a copy of Toxic Parents. Best book I EVER read and it helped me (and others I know) more than any other self-help book ever!
Also, you said she grew to dislike you and your sister when you got older, your dd will get older too...what's she going to treat dd like then?
I have (had) a Mum like that. Please get the book, and read it right to the end ;)

Will do Kayteee It's worrying about DD that makes me feel I need to act on this after so long.

My mum did this too. When DS was first learning to talk he called everyone mummy. She then decided to start calling herself mummy too. Gradually this has changed to mimi which i am ok about.

Hey don't worry about how to tell her. pop a note through her door
Just say, mum I won't be seeing you until march now. I have not fallen out with you but I just need time away from you with DS. I have asked you not to call yourself mummy to DS but you still think that it is acceptable. I don't think it is acceptable and I have a duty of care for DS. She is my daughter, your GRANDAUGHTER. You are confusing her and is is not a healthy way to behave in front of a young child.
Please do not call me or call around. I will be in touch with you when I feel the time is right. I love you very much but you are hurting my feelings and i have no choice. Lots of love xx

If she calls around just don't answer the door. If she phones just say, "ooo I have got to go, bye". and politely put the phone down. get a phone which shows up th enumber of who is calling.
If you bump into her in th emean time, just say Hi mum are you ok?, then say ok, and got to go now bye. see you in March.

Hope this helps. It's just a diplomatic approach to everything. If after the break you feel that you reallydon't want to see her again then send her another letter.

Let us all know how you get on.

xxx

My mum called herself Mami at first na, when she was abroad. I didn't like it but let it go as we hadn't been speaking for very long and I wanted to keep the peace. Then she changed to Nanny, although she hardly calls herself it Thanks for the advice, blondemum. I'll have a talk over it with DP. That sounds like the easiest way to do it.