My mum won't stop calling herself Mummy to DD.

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She's been doing it since DD was born 17 months ago. I've asked her not to, she says it's not on purpose and then carries on. I find it very upsetting and hurtful. Tbh I do think she's doing it on purpose as even when I've brought it up she's carried on. She's always undermining me, trying to grab DD when she's upset so this is just the icing on the cake. I feel like she's stealing my identity How the hell do I get her to stop? If I tell her to as it's hurting me she'll turn it round on me and make me feel silly, then carry on. She claims it's because she's not used to being a grandmother yet but it's been 17 months. Plus why would you call yourself Mummy to your DGD due to that?

Background is, we've had a very rocky relationship for years. She's quite selfish and narcissistic and a bit strange tbh. I can't stand her most of the time but I wanted DD to have a relationship with her nan. Now I wonder whether it's worth it. She's not that keen on me, she said she went off my sister and I when we grew up and became able to have our own opinions. She's always belittling me and making me feel like shit.

Sorry if I've missed any details out, it's hard to remember everything. Any advice would be appreciated.

Just reading through what you've all said. I don't know why I stay in touch with her tbh, don't want to cause a rift. It would give her the moral highground too as she could slag me off to her sisters. I thought Iwas doing the right thing for DD, I didn't want her to grow up in a family where certain people don't talk to others etc. I'll see if I can get her to stop. I need to think about this.

Thank Attila, will think about that. I'm not usually into all this 'toxic' stuff.

Your Mum is dysfunctional. Not your fault she is this way. She's ruined the relationship with you her daughter and will likely alienate her grandchild as well in the same way.

You would not actually be causing a rift if you were to cut contact; the relationship between you and your Mum broke down a long time ago. Your Mother has chosen to act like she does; you did not make her this way and it is not your fault that all this has happened. She's had her turn at being a Mother and let you down badly. You must assert yourself here, she cannot continue to address herself as "Mummy" to your daughter. It will confuse your DD for a start.

Would suggest you look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages as well.

Thanks, I'll have a look at it when DD stops blardy whinging!

Agree with Atilla .

Theres No excuse for your mum not respecting or being sensitive to your wishes .

From what you said at the beginning .... it sound like she has a very negative presence in your life .

My mum does this constantly too and calls my dad daddy to ds! It is infuriating but I have just done as was recommended to me on here and go woth the correcting her every single time she does it. It has calmed down but now she loves it as ds calls my dad daddy. She refuses to acknowledge that he calls ever man he sees daddy!! The neighbours must think Im a right tart ha ha. YOU are mummy! End of!! xxx

Thanks spider. I think she does, although I have tried not to think about it much. She makes me feel so on edge. I dread it when DD hurts herself (which is a fair bit at 17 months) as if she's got a mark my mum tries to make me feel guilty. I told her to ignore DD when she hits and she laughs at her instead. I haven't put all this together since DD was born, it's quite depressing.

I just read your thread bm, your mum sounds even worse than mine! Guess we need to rise above it and make our own rules.

Try:

"Gosh it must be so hard coping with senile dementia, you can't even remember who you are half the time. Perhaps you should see someone"

every single time.

Should do it.

Silly sod. Tell her it's "Granny" or "Old Woman" - her choice.

I think the thing I have learned is that you have to let the small stuff go but never to back down on the stuff that is improtant to you. As I have got strong I have found my mum to get more controlling but then when she realises she is getting nowhere thats when i get the silent treatment. I am finding it hard if im honest and am making a huge lsit of things i hope i will never do to my ds when he is grown up!!

Can someone please explain to me why someone would want another person's child to call them 'mummy' or 'daddy' and not think themselves weird?

I just don't get it. I read about it often on here. I personally have experienced someone feeling the need to compete with me for my DCs affection as the primary carer in their life but not quite to the extreme of their needing to be called 'mummy' by them.

I don't get it either!

Personally i would take sometime out from seeing your mum. Just a month or two. Tell her that you just need a break and feel that you are upsetting and confusing her granddaughter. Based on that information as her mother you feel it best to stay away for a while.
Honestly she doesn't sound very nice. In fact it sounds too weird.
She doesn't bring in your bread and butter so just get away from her. I am worried PLEASE! xx

I don't understand it either Winky. It doesn't change who they are, or make them your child, so why bother? DD did me proud though. Covered me in kisses and cuddles without being asked for them, asking me to hold her when she was on my mum's knee. I had to stop myself from bestowing a smug smile on my mother.

I've had it out with her before. A big banshee screaming match where I told her exactly what I thought of her. It had absolutely zero effect. She prescribes no guilt to herself therefore to her what I am saying makes no sense. She never does anything wrong, it's always my fault. She's apologised to me once in my entire life that I can remember. Always right, bullshit bullshit. I find her quite draining. I see that I probably need some time away from her, but I just don't know how to sort it out. She's still my mum, I don't want to upset her.

wmmc, do you think I could replace that with 'Get it right, you senile old bitch!' Would make me feel a lot better!

"She's still my mum, I don't want to upset her."

You're still her daughter, but she seems to have no qualms at all about upsetting you!

I think you need to have a bit of a break from her. Make yourself just too busy to be there for her. She is having a detrimental effect on your relationship with her, which is her fault, and I think you ought to put a bit of distance between you for a while.

Brilliant Idea Blondemum .

My sentiments exactly .

It just sounds like old patterns repeating themselves doesnt it .

Gosh before you know it she will be pulling the same guilt trips on your daughter .
take a break . reassess .

If you can afford it ...seriously ... I would discuss this with a counsellor .

Look at your first post .

Isnt the way you feel now just the SAME pattern .....This is not going to chage unless you address the problem and DO something .

True girlandboy. God this is so hard. Maybe I will just make us very busy in the New Year, go on lots of walks and things. God knows I could do with the exercise anyway! Then I won't actually have to say, I don't want to see you for a while.

I was referred by my doctor for counselling but they never contacted me again after the first appointment. I chased them but still no contact. I don't want DD to ever feel like this.

That's right!

Have a list of excuses if necessary.......if she rings then say, "oh sorry, we were just going out", or "sorry, dd is fast asleep, we'd better not disturb her", or "leave us alone you mad old bat!"

Sorry, you'd better strike the last one!

By the way, how old is your mum??

She's 53 (I think!)

Ah, possibly a bit young for senile dementia. And just a bit too old to be having another child of her own, which is perhaps what she's hankering after.

Its not hard . Its not hard . Its about realising what YOU want . And getting it .

Things CAN be SO much better .

What you are putting up with from your mum at the mo ....to me ...is way out there ..... this is not just normal she getting on my nerves ... this is SERIOUS stuff . Agree ...its dysfunctional .

Honestly love you need help with ASSERTIVENESS .

Your confidence couldnt be the best with all of this .

Theres gotta be some goood thinks about motherhood ( soooooooooooohard sometimes )...and this is one of them . YOU are in Charge .
YOU are THE Boss .

Just think of the signals you will be sending to your daughter if she sees you putting up with this crap .

honestly ....no one realises the CRAP that goes on within families .

It doesn't make sense that that's what she would want girlandboy though. She only ever wanted 2.

I know what you're saying is true spider. It's hard though. I don't want to have to stand up to her as I'll lose. Equally I don't want DD to experience it.