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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional affairs v "just" sex affairs - can a couple recover from either? Advice please

78 replies

candystick · 23/12/2008 19:31

I've discovered that DP has had a "emotional" affair ie. no sex, but lots of phone talk about how deeply they feel for each other, how they want to be together and so on.

After I found out he ended it, we talked and agreed to get through this together but I can't help but feel that this will be more difficult to get past than a "just" sex affair.

If it was for sex then there would have been no/fewer emotional ties and I would imagine it would be easier for DP to "get over it" and for me not to be so paranoid but as it stands I'm petrified that the bonds bewteen them are so strong it will resurface.

Anyone got any experience or advice please?

OP posts:
Flihgtattendant · 23/12/2008 19:35

Poor you

Do you know how long it went on for? Do they still see each other?

Original poster
candystick · 23/12/2008 19:49

They don't see each other (and haven't done since this began a couple of months ago) but know each other from previously IYSWIM

OP posts:
Podrick · 23/12/2008 19:49

How horrible for you

Apparently mostly couples stay together if the bloke has been unfaithful but not if the woman has, so I guess a lot of women find a way to move on.

Is your dp age 40 or do you have a young baby? Both are big stresses on a relationship that I think make men more vulnerabel to the attentions of other women.

ukrainianmum · 23/12/2008 19:50

Hi Candy!!
Well I am personally do feel for you. but my story is on other side.
I am or was in very emotional relationships with a man who is married. last week I told him it is over and since that I can hardly find place on this plane.
I can olny say if it is emotional it will resurface. Well,in my case it keeps resurfacing for 7 years now.And it hurts for both of us.
If you love him support him as much as you can. But honestly it is better if you just let him go. Not for her, no!!! But for you to have a chance to be happy...
this subject is very difficult. I have been in this mess for as I said 7 yeas.

I realy feel for you,So sorry you have to go thru this

Original poster
candystick · 23/12/2008 19:59

Podrick - we don't have a young baby but "mid-life crisis" has been mentioned by several people

ukranianmum -7 years! I won't be letting it go on for that long believe me. I do love him and want our relationship to work but if he has contact with her again that will be the end of us.

OP posts:
ukrainianmum · 23/12/2008 20:02

that is same in my situation
and believe me he saw me and still married to her....this is so difficult... we met when I was married but he was free. then I got pg and he married her. she found out. and told him she will divorse him if he will see me one more time. we lasted 4 yeras, just very ocasional sms. and in this year saw ach other three times. he flew here to Ukraine
I think it will never end .

stitch · 23/12/2008 20:05

i dont htink it is possible to recover from an emotional affar. i think a just sex affair is easier to revover from

brazenhussy · 23/12/2008 20:17

Agree with ukrainianmum - emotional affairs tend to resurface and are almost impossible to fully move on from.

candystick - I really wish you luck with this. If she gets the tinyist hint from him that he is still thinking/wanting her, IME it will all begin again. The emotional bond men and woman develop as they indulge in their fantasies about what life would be like with that other person is one of the most powerful feelings imaginable, it leaves you reeling.

brazenhussy · 23/12/2008 20:19

Also, don't expect your DH to recover from this for many many months, he will need to grieve for her and this will be as difficult for him as it will be for you to watch.

Original poster
candystick · 23/12/2008 21:09

brazenhussy -you don't have to answer this if you don't want to but have you been in my shoes? or have you had an emotional affair? Its just that you sound as if you know what you're talking about and I wondered which perspective you've experienced it from (if at all)

OP posts:
brazenhussy · 23/12/2008 21:25

hi candystick - I have had two emotional affairs one of which became a full blown affair.
The first one was with a workmate and like your DH's it was just texts, telephone calls and two lunches, nothing happened apart from hand stroking.
It only lasted for 5 weeks but took me a whole year to get over. Up until that point I had been faithful to my DH for 14 years but my feelings for OM were so strong I was prepared to throw it all away for him
Two years down the line I can see it for what it was, just escapism for both of us - both wanting excitement and him and forbidden fruit.

Really do feel for you as from posting on here (and being hung, drawn and quartered as second OM was married)I now realise a fraction of what the cheated on wife feels.

I have certainly learnt my lesson the hard way.

WhosForStuffing · 23/12/2008 21:25

In my experience they may stay in touch. It will be hard for them not to. And each time you find out it will hurt again.

It will depend on how much your dh wants this to work. Only you two know the answer to that. If he seems truly sorry and ashamed of his behaviour then you may be ok.

brazenhussy · 23/12/2008 21:36

candystick - how did you find out?

Agree with WhosForStuffing. A lot will depend too on whether he wanted to finish it or whether it finished because you found out.

NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 24/12/2008 08:42

An emotional affair can be as traumatic as a sexual one and sometimes harder to deal with.

muckypups · 24/12/2008 09:18

Candy Stick my Dh had an emotional affair about 8 Months ago. It tore me apart and i thought i would never get over it. I still have bad days including yesterday as i was so exhausted and Dh working late and has had to go in today aswell. His heart wasnt with me last Christmas and it just brought back past memories. He works very closely with her, still.

We talked and all is well with me again and thats the key i think. talking about everything. If you have a niggle then talk to him. There is no instant fix and i thought i would never feel normal and secure in our relationship again, but if your both willing to put 100% back in then it will work. Good Luck and if you have any questions that may help then just ask. Take Care xxx

Original poster
candystick · 24/12/2008 14:51

muckypups -how on earth do you learn to trust again?

Everytime his phone goes or he "pops out" to do something I will be convinced its her or that hes popped out to phone/text her.

Does that side get any easier?

OP posts:
abedelia · 24/12/2008 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

muckypups · 24/12/2008 18:49

Candy will post when Dh puts kids to bed x

TinyTimLivesinVictorianSqualor · 24/12/2008 18:53

IMO, it depends why.
I have a friend whose partner did something similar, but the reason behind it was his massive insecurities and need to feel loved etc.
They seem to be working it out fine, she'll probably never forget, but she understands why.
I would suggest relate, or some other form of counseling so you can see why it happened and if it was just a symptom of something much larger before you make any real decisions as to how you think your future will map out.
Good Luck.

muckypups · 24/12/2008 19:21

Candy i can only go by my own feelings and experience. Im sorry to say that its only time that will get the trust back and if it ever comes back fully, well at the moment i can only say no. My head wants to trust him but my heart wont let me. I cannot and will not let him hurt me in that way again, so in a way i have hardened my self up to it.

You can as abedelia did, demand full phone access. i didnt as i knew there would be nothing on there, he was clever enough to delete stuff before so he would only make doubly sure before he let me see it. And after about 3 weeks on when he promised there would be no more contact except to do with work there was a random text (deleted) to some one called Dave!!!!! Prick and stupid one at that as we dont know anyone called dave. I challenged him and he promised it was work related and didnt want to upset me.

Its taken me a long time to believe he truley loves me again and we are enjoying our relationship. Its like it was when we first met. I had changed and not into some one i liked, im not saying its all my fault but i didnt like who id become so why should he.I was pushing him away and couldnt see it.

As i said i still have bad days. You are still in very early days and you must feel very raw. Im not good at advice, all i can say is if you love him then give it a go and see if that love and trust can be returned. You have to be open and honest with each other about everything from feelings to everyday stuff, phone calls and texts. When his phone beeps you will be suspicious, if he doesnt cuddle you, you will be suspicous, late home, no contact in day, distracted, you will be suspicious. You need to work through all the pain and anger and i dont know how to advise you do that, just take it hour by hour, then day by day, then week by week. Youll get there xxx

What a waffle and prob makes no sense and im sorry but time is the answere but not the one i wanted and not the one you want either as it takes too long.

abedelia · 25/12/2008 11:08

I am focusing on a point ahead and thinking "in a year's time I will not feel this bad..."

muckypups · 26/12/2008 17:56

8 months on and i dont feel half as bad, just odd bad days usually few days before period when im tired and emotional anyway.

Good Luck Abedelia & Candystick.

abedelia · 26/12/2008 19:13

Thanks muckpups. Here's hoping. He tells me he's more in love with me than ever after risking losing me and is always saying he loves me, checking I'm okay, cooking for me and so on. The only problem is that he finds it so hard to answer questions about everything. We had a real heart to heart over dinner about 3 weeks ago but since then, more things have come up in my mind - I really went into shock after I discovered things and am only just starting to think through parts of what happened and what he said as I couldn't deal with it all in one go (if that makes sense). Also, his explanation of the evening they spent together and how they ended up at his hotel (given that he said they never planned to do anything) doesn't make sense and has changed on each of the two occasions I asked. I think he's trying to protect me but I'd rather know the painful truth as at least it's the truth IYSWIM? I therefore get really nervous about trying to ask but if I don't I get more and more tense... Anyone else have this problem / a solution?

nooka · 26/12/2008 19:46

I think you just have to give things time. Recognise that both of your feelings will be all over the place. That you may wish to talk when he doesn't and vice versa. You can get through it and deepen and strengthen your relationship. But you may not. I think a lot depends on how much you both recognise the underlying reasons as to why things went wrong in the first place, and how much you are able to move on.

abedelia · 26/12/2008 22:41

Mmm. Problem is that there wasn't really anything the matter at the time between us, other than the shock of finally moving out of somewhere we'd lived for 13 years, men must therefore work in mysterious ways - she was just someone he had a crush on (as you do at work sometimes) and who reciprocated when he mentioned that to her... Really in a way I'm not surprised he fell for her as she pretended to like everything he did (aided by Wikipedia!). It's the fact that he treated me so badly during it. Yesterday was hideous as I just kept looking at the kids and thinking 'how could you risk losing all this just for a few teenage emotions and a drunken shag?'