Emotional affairs v "just" sex affairs - can a couple recover from either? Advice please

[candystick]

I've discovered that DP has had a "emotional" affair ie. no sex, but lots of phone talk about how deeply they feel for each other, how they want to be together and so on.

After I found out he ended it, we talked and agreed to get through this together but I can't help but feel that this will be more difficult to get past than a "just" sex affair.

If it was for sex then there would have been no/fewer emotional ties and I would imagine it would be easier for DP to "get over it" and for me not to be so paranoid but as it stands I'm petrified that the bonds bewteen them are so strong it will resurface.

Anyone got any experience or advice please?

If the marriage is very bad then losing those things is nothing compared with the benefits of being apart from someone who makes you miserable (that was the case with me and we parted without either of us having found anyone else). Your situation seems very different. So that's very hopeful and it seems to be going well.

Is it norma? I know someone who was choosing between his wife (whom he doesn't love) and mistress whom he loves and has chosen the wife but she's now deciding if she will still have him. He decided his stable life, family structure, daily contact with the children was more important than being with the woman he loves. His wife suddenly started being sexual again after 15 years with very little interest. He was delighted. It lasted a month and then all her doubts came out and she can't seem to put it behind her (and the sex has dried up again).

Dont let him get away with not talking about it, thats to protect him as much as you x

Definitely. I know that talking makes him remember what he did, which brings up all the guilt. That's why he gets all shouty, storms off then comes back and apologises ten minutes later if he knows I've been crying about it. But frankly, why shouldn't he suffer a bit, should definitely put him off doing it again if it isn't all done and dusted within a handful of months... He does need to knw he has caused lasting damage, doesn't he?

Most people who stray once and the marriage continues once they are found out sadly do see that as getting away with it and are just more careful next time not to get caught. They've realised it didn't kill the marriage. Some people tolerate partners who are serially unfaithful. Others never do it again. Some find their partner is so nasty to them after it's found out that however much they want to stay near the children the atmosphere at home is so dreadful and their partner treats them so badly they might find the mistress or other man is a more welcome prospect and they start afresh with them. Just very hard to generalise. Others again say - you had an affair so you won't mind if I do and then the score is even.

Well unless he takes acting lessons I will always be able to find him out as he is a hopeless liar. He wasn't very devious and didn't really hide much last time, I could have fund him out in an instant by looking at his phone or on his mobile but I was just too trusting to even think that might be the problem. Never again. I don't want to go down the route of always bringing it up and so making the relationship awkward and tainted forever by constantly throwing it in his face but I'm just not ready to shut up about it, especially as I made some comment this morning only to be met with 'it's New Year soon, can't we just stop talking about it then and leave it in 2008?'. That's not fair on me.

He can't expect that as you can't help how you feel. If you'd had an emotional or physical affair he'd probably find it hard to accept. In fact men apparently are more likely to divorce straying wives and women perhaps because they often rely on men for money, tend to put up with/get over adultery on the man's part and stay together.

May be make him go to Relate with you and have to discuss it with a counsellor and look into why it happened etc. Or perhaps that makes things worse. SOme people do cope with things best by letting them just lie in the past. Others want radical improvements, more attention, flowers, meals out, much more fair sharing of chores at home, woman;'s career to come first from now on, whole range of changes on the basis of which you will then stay but not otherwise. Some renegotiate their prenuptial or have a post nuptial agreement following an episode like this which says what happens if this occurs again in terms of those legal matters.

abedelia -I find I need to bring it up with DP too. Only this morning I asked him whether he would be tempted to contact her again if we were in her area (which might happen soon).

I almost apologised for asking/bringing it up but told him that its going to be the case for a while and he'll just have to accept that. He seemed to accept it TBH and think he realises that its part of the process of dealing with it/ healing process.

I also told him that if we do go to the area where she is then he will not be going anywhere on his own, he will be with us (his family) the whole time. He cannot expect me to trust him so soon (if at all/ever?).

I had been having an affair with a friends husband. Its been horrible since we have been caught - twice. I am still in contact with him through the marvels of mobiles, email etc. I don't expect sympathy but it is heartbreaking for all concerned. The pain we cause and continue to cause makes us return home and yet we still............. I don't know the answer but I don't like the person is made me become.

sp, its hard for you eh? especially when there are children are involved. How do you want your future to be? Think about it, then make it happen

Tbh I am happy as long as I still have contact with him. I have tried to ' do the right thing' several times. On of us caves in. Not saying its right..........

what are your planes for the future tho

Hi there Candysick. Been away for a few days but i thought id log in to see how you are doing.

Re couple of things. Lots of sex is great, i know what you mean by are you just burying head in sand thoughts as had those too. We were not having sex at all and took a month to get back into it as dh had told me he didnt find my wieght attractive (under wieght) but after a month we were doing it all the time evening and morning and i was initating it most of it. Its now we have calmed down a bit and back to 3/4 times a week and he is now back to initiating it that i feel more secure with him.
But no i dont think your conning your selves. Its a new start for you both. My Dh took me out for a meal a few weeks after a big showdown where i asked him to leave as i couldnt think i would ever trust him again. We talked through it obviuosly but i remember getting ready to go out and telling him that i had butterflies like a first date

Re telling hi, what he has too loose. i really dont think they think iyswim. My dh would have lost everything including. his job. I then went through months of thinkimg hes only with me as cant afford to leave me.

Did your dh ever question how he felt about you whilst having feelings for this OW? You say he ralises now how much he loves you but what attracted him to some one else?

Have no idea. Didn't imagine I would be in this situation a year ago. God knows what the future brings. I never thought I would or could tolerate being a mistress but actually its not all the bad

STAND WELL BACK................

socialpariah 8 months ago i would have shot you down but i understand how hard it is for everyone concerned.

I talked to my Dh's ow and i ended up likinh her and i understand why my Dh fell for her. never ever in my life would i say that would happen as im such a reactive person. When i found out about my Dh i was intially distraught and went awol for a few hours in my pj's but i came to be very understanding and was very calm. That scared my Dh more i think.

It sort of makes it easier. We are both aware of why he loves us. We were friends and know each other very well, we are just very different. She is keener to talk to me about it than the other way but I think that is because I am ashamed of what I have done to her. The pain is obvious every time I see her.

She needs to talk to understand x

I know. Its just hard. I well up as soon as I see her. She was my friend. The sort of friend you don't have very often but he just makes me feel amazing. I melt when I see him.
The thing is I want him to stay with her. But he is my soulmate and I can't bear not to see him. Even if it isn't very often. I know it sounds cliche.
We always said we would stay in contact till things fizzled out but it doesn't. We get caught, leave it a while till the dust settles and just text, resume contact till it becomes an obsession then we get caught again. Then repeat.

muckypups - thanks for coming back to see how I'm doing

The OW was an ex of his from many years before he met me -they seemed to have "unresolved issues" and still felt a lot for each other apparently.

He says he loves me but we had just got a bit "stale" in our relationship I suppose (14 years, 2 DC) - the excitement and spark of a "new" relationship with her was obviously a big thrill in comparison.

New relationships always are and often get mistaken for love. Thing is that spark and excitement should turn in to a love thats much deeper and allows you to grow old together.

My dh didnt speak to me about how he was feeling and to be honest i doubt i would have really heard what he was trying to say. I needed the shock of him falling fo someone else to get us back to where we used to be. But if i ever found out it was sexual too then he would be out of the door. Ive questioned and questioned him and he swears blind they only ever talked, i told him that if he told me straight away then maybe we could work through it but if i found out years down the line that he lied then hed never get a second chance. i do believe him but there was a rumour at his work that something went on and that always niggles me. God its so hard isnt it?

And this is me 8 motnths on, and you bless are still early weeks. i do feel for you but it sounds as if your husband never stopped loving you deep down so im sure you will pull through xx

I do want to add that I am not completely unfeeling and I do feel for her. It is hard and both her and my xdh have said they are just waiting for it to happen again.

Ugh, well tried to have a bit of a talk about the fact that I am having a bad day today and it ended in a horrible row with him saying he can't understand why I am still crying about stuff 2 months on when for him it is totally over and in the past / gone. After, I walked out for an hour because I couldn't cope. He was very sorry when I came back but then said 'we don't have to talk about it at all do we?" So I haven't had a chance to get stuff off my chest and STILL feel crap, plus a massive headache. Anyway, on other subjects, socialpariah - I think you are just going to have to make a decision and either be with him or give up. Until then you won't be fully happy and neither will anyone else involved. I mean, could you see yourself still doing this in 10 years' time - if you want him to stay with her, in the end then you will have been prevented from having a decent longterm relationship. Do you really want to face old age alone (sorry if that sounds harsh...don't mean it to be but what you are doing isn't sustainable)

I feel for you. I really do. Your situation sounds like male avoidance. Of course you have to get things off your chest.

I don't mean to add fuel to the fire but I honestly don't feel that you have to be in a long term relationship to be fulfilled. I am happy and in love. I don't know that this will always be the case but at the moment I am ok with it. I don't get the green eye when he is at home but I also don't expect him to question me about what i have been up to. I speak to him daily and we text between fifteen and thirty times a day. I see him on average twice a week. And to be honest thats enough for me.

Well if you are happy with it, it sounds like an old-style mistress arrangement and that's fine - though you must consider how you'll feel if he suddenly pulls the plug and goes home - will that get worse with time? However, you really do have to ask whether you can cope with what it is all doing to his wife. How much does he tell you about that? I have to say, it nearly destroyed me (in the aftermath, not at the time as I am strong person - it was once I knew she had gone and the fight was over that I fell apart) and that was with knowing that there was no way he would ever contact her again as she's nuts. Anyway - thanks, I didn't realise there was a name for it so I am off to Google male avoidance...

I've just posted this on a new thread about what has just happened to me .... someone convince me its going to all right and how I should approach all this?

We've been married for five years, together six, mostly happy, when DD arrived 16 months ago things changed, I was diagnosed with PND 7 weeks ago, but looking back have had it since she was 6 months old. I've been horrible, irrational, verbally abusive and generally a nasty cow! I've had treatment and I'm now a different woman, thankfully!

I have apologised endlessly for how I've been, hubby accepted this (with difficulty) and we agreed to move on, things seemed to have improved greatly and I thought it was going to work?

So why on Boxing Day did he think it was a good day to tell me 'he doesn't love me anymore' we had a row and he left me, our daughter and two very shocked parents to go to his mothers two hours away.

Over the last two weeks he had been distant, very cool, not interested in me, refusing sex etc. I thought this was strange and whilst looking at our mobile phone bill online (I rarely do this but was suspicious) noticed he had sent hundreds and I mean hundreds of text to a number I didn't recognise. I phoned it and it was a woman, on further investigation whilst he was on a so called works christmas do he had phoned and texted her and met her! I have confronted him and he has admitted all, she is a work colleague who is single, no kids, long dark hair need I say more, he has met her, phoned, texted and kissed her, he even phoned her within minutes of leaving me on boxing day! He has also been texting and talking on the phone from our house whilst looking after our daughter, even when I was in the house, isn't that sick? He is adamant that he hasn't had sex with her but I am doubtful about this? He has deleted her number from his phone, promised he won't contact her and I have sent her a text telling her to leave us alone.

He is now horribly embarrased about his behaviour and wants to make another go of it, but I can't get them together out of my head, he has let me believe all our problems were because of me and it was him!! He even admitted that when we were going to talk about boxing night he would still have blamed me if I hadn't found out about the mobile bill! How cruel is that!

I do love him and want to work it out, but can I do this with a man who says he doesn't love me (I'm also confused why he wants to do this to), can we get it back?? Or am I flogging a dead horse, and should I pack my bags and getting running!!