Tired of being the one always left at home.

[Gravitygirl]

I am probably being unreasonable but I need to let this out otherwise the kids are going to get unfairly stressed mummy and I dont want to do that.

I am so pissed off at my Husband, I know its Christmas but I am not kidding you he has been out on a 'do' every night bar one for the past two weeks... I have been struggling with two poorly children ( and myself) and he has not given a thought to me at home.

I just feel like crying ( well I have been) Im this sad , frumpy, fat solitary cow sat at home looking after the kids and house. He is off swaning about in London having the time of his life.
I ask him where he has been and what he has been doing, and apparently I dont trust him because Im asking????

He could have come home last night, but booked a hotel saying his work do would finish very late. But yet he has told me today that it finished at 12 am and then they went on to some night club till 4am! So he could have come home, but chose not to iyswim?

This has just tipped me over the edge, I think if this had been a solitary night I would have not batted an eye lid, the fact that he has been out constantly and not once said, Ill stay in and help/give you a break etc is crushing me. I feel worthless and like some stupid prat sitting here.
He does not see the problem and dosent see the need of reassuring me everything is ok, telling me what went on and generally grovelling for having a whale of a time for 2 weeks whilst I have been having the hardest time.

I know Im rambling, Im so cross. Im trying to get ds to sleep and calm down dd who is hysterical and not really seeing her daddy for 2 weeks and it taking it out on me

Arrghghgghghghgh, please be gentle with me.

Are you missing things you want to go to? I think you should tell him you are going out to one of them, not ask but TELL HIM.

do you EVER go out?

No not really I dont really have anywhere to go if Im honest which makes it all the more worse.

Am I being silly? I just dont know but I feel such resentment and anger I cant explain it.

We NEVER go out, there is no option of family or money for babysitter so he goes on his merry way alone.
He always tells me to go out, but where do I go?

Im so upset, I cant just let this go. I probably am being silly but I just feel like sobbing.

Can you arrange some nights out too? He's being very insensitive and thoughtless. Can you have a 'civilised' chat over dinner while DD is in bed? All these nights out must be costing a fortune- can you both afford it?

if there's no money for even anight out a month how has he funded all thes enights out recently???

you need to tell him how you feel and make him listen, think some men think woken just like being at home and especially when dc are ill, they assume mummy will do it better, I hate that, whenever dd is unwell its always been me who has to be off or get up etc

He reckons work pay for them, which I guess they do. Other than that I dont know how he pays for the extra stuff, he gives me my money and then he has his. I am completly peed off because we are skint this month and I reckon its because he has pocketed loads for all these nights out, he must have....

If I ask him about it he just says that he is entitled to his money and to go out etc which I know he is but still.

well how selfish is that, I have had to chose 2 xmas nights out to go ot because no way i can afford to go to all of them, and mh has done the same, when you have a family and when moneys is tight, you have to grow up and be responsible, BOTH of you, not just you

He is being thoughtless and selfish. Is this normal behaviour or is it just magnified at the moment because of all the christmas events?

I find it hard to believe that work pays for everything - 2 weeks worth of nights out including clubbing and staying in a hotel?

How is your relationship usually - are you able to talk honestly to each other?

i was just going to say if he can afford a night out every night for two weeks, u can afford a baby sitter for one night.

I can see why you're upset, totally - when my dt's were little, my DH was RUBBISH, just did not give my stopping in a second thought, just swanned off and did as he pleased. Part of him was rebelling against being a father and part of him was just plain ignorant.

We got to breaking point before he realised his behaviour was contributing to my PND and could very easily lose him his family. Having kids is a joint effort - he did play a part in making them! Plus Xmas is family time.

We have a great balance now (DT's are 4), where we each go out with our friends when and if we want to, so theres no resentment from either one for a night out. He goes on a bender, I don't mind because I've usually got something planned of my own on another night - because I am more chilled and less likely to moan (in fact i never moan), he is less likely to actually WANT to go on a bender, so if we are honest we probably have one night out each every two weeks or so. He shares the weekend early morning getting up with me (actually since being pregs he does both mornings) and generally we are a FAMILY now.

My advice, sit him down to talk to (if he can stay in for that long), if he's not a talker, then write down your emotions and how he is making you feel. Wait a while, see if the behaviour continues, if it does, repeat previous conversation or write him another letter with a deadline "we need to sort this by so and so". Talk to your family (do you have any close by?) so that when the deadline comes around, you have someone to have the kids so you can talk to DH, or you can go to for some space to give him a wake up call.

Take care but don't let this go on unchecked as he really won't realise the impact its having unless you tell him.

You are not being unreasonable and I'm not surprised that you are upset. You seem to have drifted into a very unequal partnership.I think you need time together as a couple and not just as parents. I think you need to tackle the subject with him.

Work does normally pay for things, but not taxis , hotels extra drinks before and after events etc. So god knows how he is managing all that. I just have a gut feeling he is being dishonest with me. I have ( had) issues with trust but I try my absolute hardest to show him how much I lvoe him and trust him yet he shoots me down if I so much as ask a question, do you not ask your oh what they have been up to on a night out or are you not meant too?

It is magnified due to christmas I must admit and he is thoughtful most of the time, we almost always come first. But were a night out is concerned he cant say no! He is the instigator of all night long sessions, loves a good drink and we suffer from that.

He wont listen to me, he is ignoring my emails/texts probably cos he has a stinking hangover from all this drinking and he is obviously at work.

I really dont think sorry is going to do it I am fuming!!!!!

You're entitled to some time (and, within reason and budget, money) for yourself too.

Could you enrol in an evening class? Or join a choir? It would give you a regular night out and you might make some friends with whom you could swaap babysitting favours later.

of course you are allowed to ask your husband about his night out. And if he has nothing to hide he should be happy to tell you about it.

I don't know where you can start to be honest. Confronting him about his behaviour will make him defensive and you'll get nowhere.

He is taking you for granted. Is there anyway you can take your self off the day this weekend and leave him with the kids. Do something for you. Don't ask him if it's ok, just tell him. You sound like you need a break.

Its all my fault for not forging a life for myself outside of my children

I am so upset, I have no time to myself I am 100% mother and housekeeper and I am so exhausted by it all I have not got the energy to do anything else.

I am so resentful of the fact that he gets to go out all the time and go to fantastic places and does not even bother to work out how we could spend time together etc. It just seems like he does not even consider me or our marriage or working at it together.

I love my children so much but thats all I am a mother

you need more than a sorry - this is well past sorry!

My DH's argument used to be, "it's not my fault you don't go out - you could if you wanted to...." really used to grate on me, WHEN exactly was i supposed to go out? and who with? I do have loads of friends, but I was so tired being the sole childcarer I never felt up to going anywhere!

Do you have even one female friend you can arrange something with? Don't consult him, arrange it and then tell him - preferably in the day so he actually has to look after the kids rather than just sit in front of the TV and 'babysit'.

I agree with Pisces, you are currenyly very unequal, and as long as it continues you will resent him, come across as nagging (even if you aren't, plus men KNOW when they are taking the pee, so even an innocent question feels like you are snoopy because they deep down feel guilty), he will not want to be at home so will go out all the more and so the cycle continues......

Serious discussions needed and consequences outlined......

snoopy=snooping!

GG you have all my sympathy. My DH has only been out two nights in a row and he does talk to me about it and it really shouldn't be a problem but I haven't been to a party since October 2004 and I too am feeling fat and frumpy and sorry for myself and resentful of him having a good time without me. And I know I'm being unreasonable - but I don't think you are.

Hes not going to give me anything though, I already know that. He has to go out and socialise for work, the fact that the frequency has been high in the last month is not his fault ??

I know how it is, yadda yadda....

He always says he wishes I would go out, but where do I go? It would never get to the stage where he even felt a smidgen of how I feel, so he would not understand. In his brain all would be equal.

I would love to go out for the day on sunday alone, but its christmas I would just feel sad that out family was apart and so crap.

I told him to leave me alone as I was angry, then asked why he had not bothered to sort this out. I have jsut had a reply saying I asked him to leave me alone ( I know Im being a typical woman) but arrghghghghg I want/need to scream. Is it inappropriate to slug a glass of wine now I am so tempted.

Where do your friends live? Have you got anyone locally with whom you could go out?

And how old are your children? How long have you spent at home?

gravitygirl - can you take the initiative and organise a night out for you and your DH? Don't wait for him to do it, because it sounds like he never will and you will become more resentful.

Leave it until all the Christmas mayhem is over. Tell him that you are planning a meal for the two of you, organise a babysitter have some quality time. Use the time to talk about your relationship and how you've been feeling.

If he dares to complain about the money you can throw in his face the few hundred pounds he must have spent these past weeks on cabs, hotels and drinks.

I would actually tell him that you are seriously unhappy and want changes in your relationship. If he won't talk I would suggest going to Relate - perhaps someone outside the marriage would be able to help. I think that you have just drifted into your present system and he hasn't really thought about it. He has got you down as mother and housekeeper, if you don't challenge it your position will get more firmly entrenched as the years pass. He ought to be telling you about his nights out with funny incidents etc. It sounds to me as if he has conveniently compartmentalised his life and you need to break out of your compartment!

I dont have any friends, I dont have anyone that I want or could spend time with.

My kids are 3 and 1 1/2 so been at home since pregnant with dd.

I cant stop crying, Im sure he wont understand why Im so angry and will think its just me being stupid. I dont even understand why I feel so hurt really so how can I expect him too.

I feel really fucked up but I dont have any energy to do anything, if I tell him Im sad etc he just says that he cant do anything to help, he works alot and then has to socialise etc

piscesmoon- you have hit the nail on the head about compartmentalising his life, thats exactly what I said to him. Its exactly his behaviour to do this also. I always say I feel like Im on the outside of his life not the main part.
He just shrugs, does not know what to do about it?

leave the wine til later when u are less angry (i used to drink on a rage and it made me worse).

I think writing your feelings down is your only option as talking to him doesn't seem to make him understand. TBH I don't think my DH fully understood what he had done wrong when I walked out 2 years ago for a few days, but when the dust had settled and I had calmed down due to not seeing him for a while I was able to vocalise better how I was feeling and he knew better than to argue or interupt in case I didn't come home! He finally saw that having kids is a full time commitment and that actually his life had changed and he had to hang his party boots up for now. It was helped by a lot of our friends all settling down and having kids - so rather than piss ups being arranged, days out and early evening meals at each others houses were the norm - so we have just settled into this give and take routine and when special occasions arise, like xmas, we take it in turns for the going out (I am off out for a girly xmas dinner tonite, he is off for his rugby do on sunday), but mostly we stop in together and enjoy our kids.

You know your DH better than we do, and how he best takes information in - mine was not much of a talker, so our situation was sorted out with a series of letters, then an ultimatum where I followed through with walking out to show him I was serious. Your DH may be diff and you may not be comfy with doing that (or in fact have no where to go - I went to MIL) but basically the end result has to be the same, HE needs to see how HE makes you feel by doing what he does and YOU need to think about yourself a little more than you do - yes your kids do come first, but if Mummy is way down the priority list, your health will suffer and ultimately your relationship with DH, which will in turn affect the kids.