Tired of being the one always left at home.

[Gravitygirl]

I am probably being unreasonable but I need to let this out otherwise the kids are going to get unfairly stressed mummy and I dont want to do that.

I am so pissed off at my Husband, I know its Christmas but I am not kidding you he has been out on a 'do' every night bar one for the past two weeks... I have been struggling with two poorly children ( and myself) and he has not given a thought to me at home.

I just feel like crying ( well I have been) Im this sad , frumpy, fat solitary cow sat at home looking after the kids and house. He is off swaning about in London having the time of his life.
I ask him where he has been and what he has been doing, and apparently I dont trust him because Im asking????

He could have come home last night, but booked a hotel saying his work do would finish very late. But yet he has told me today that it finished at 12 am and then they went on to some night club till 4am! So he could have come home, but chose not to iyswim?

This has just tipped me over the edge, I think if this had been a solitary night I would have not batted an eye lid, the fact that he has been out constantly and not once said, Ill stay in and help/give you a break etc is crushing me. I feel worthless and like some stupid prat sitting here.
He does not see the problem and dosent see the need of reassuring me everything is ok, telling me what went on and generally grovelling for having a whale of a time for 2 weeks whilst I have been having the hardest time.

I know Im rambling, Im so cross. Im trying to get ds to sleep and calm down dd who is hysterical and not really seeing her daddy for 2 weeks and it taking it out on me

Arrghghgghghghgh, please be gentle with me.

Have you seen your GP recently? Your mood sounds very low and you sound very demoralised. Piscesmoon's suggestions are all (in my view) very good but I also wonder whether you would find it helpful to have some counselling on your own, to make you feel more confident about making some changes in your relationship with your husband and in the rest of your life.

Does your older child go to pre-school? Do you go to a toddler group with the younger one? I know it's difficult when you're feeling low, but if you could get out somewhere to meet some other mothers, you are likely to make friends and not feel so isolated.

Good luck. It must be awful to feel this miserable at Christmas.

I have been in your position for 11 years. Married for 15 but stuck at home since ds1.

It will not change unless you do something to change the situation.

I get the impression that your DH is more like an additional child than a partner and that you have started to feel like his mother as you question his whereabouts. (Forgive me if I am merely projecting.) In the darkest days of our marriage, my DH behaves as though he is a small boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

It is important that you articulate your feelings to your DH exactly as you have here because I very much doubt that he has a clue what it is like to be the one left behind.

It is NOT your fault for putting your children first and trying to be a committed wife. It is only reasonable that you would expect the same in return.

I out to namechange as he knows my mn name but I speak the truth so I will be brave and post.

I also disagree that he HAS to socialise as part of his job - bloox, surely his colleagues have families themselves, they can't all be leaving their wives at home looking after kids - OR is it more that he's mixing with the single people at work as he is hankering after the single commitment free life he used to have.

My DH defo missed his past life in the early years of our boys life.....His nights out were all with his single mates who didn't have people to go home to or nappies to change or wives to snuggle up to......he has settled down now (he can still drink for england when the occasion arises, but there has to be an occasion now, not just because there is a Y in the day!), the trick is to make them think its their decision - not easy, but forcing a man to stay home against his will is never going to work.....

Your DH is not giving your marriage the same level of attention and committment that he gives to his social life, and of course this hurts you and you are not being unreasonable to feel resentful.

FWIW I think the whole 'he has to socialise for work' is an exaggerated line he is feeding you. In this current economic climate I cant see firms being happy to force there employees on weeks worth of all night drinking binges. And even if work does lay on the events, it would not be hard to make his excuses earlier on in the evening and come home to you if he wanted to.

I am actually sitting here angry on your behalf as to why he is not taking you seriously. Shrugging is not good enough - no wonder you are angry. He can change things. You need to get to the route of why he appears not to want to.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, your children are at that age where they take all your energy too x

Right GravityGirl. We need to get you sorted. Your life is revolving around the kids and the clock and when he is coming home. We need to grab you a couple of mates quick smart.

Where do you live? Neighbours that are nice? Mums group? School Mums? (Sorry got half way through thread so if this is done - sorry). You HAVE to talk to people and ask them to come out - even for half an hour or a drink at your house...bottle of wine and a chat.

Get yourself looking nice too...for you. Not him, do your hair in the morning and stick a bit of lippy on and those nice jeans...you know the ones.

This is about changing you first...we'll deal with him later. And no - you are not moaning. I would be right pissed off it it was me...

Thank you all so much for talking with me and for your ideas etc

I have just spoken to him and he is completly bolshy. Does not see that he has done anything wrong, its all me being jealous ( he has just sat there at work infront of everyone and said that to me) and that basically this is all of my own making feeling like this and causing a row

I am sobbing my eyes out dd keeps
saying Im sad and ds has just woken up and is upset at me being upset. What a mess

I am feeling distraught and know that he wont see anything different.

I have no where to go and would not be able to walk out and leave the kids anyway I dont think.Why has this happened now!

Oh dear... I am so sorry.

Please do not consider walking out and leaving your children. If you go, take them with you.

Are you far from family and friends?

As for your DH's reaction to being called to the carpet:

1. I do find that when people kick up the biggest fuss about an issue it is because they know that they are not in the right.

1. Your DH needs time to let it sink in and I am sure that pride must have played a big role in his speaking that way in front of his colleagues.

I fully understand that it is impossible not to have some of these conversations on the phone but they are really much better face-to-face. People say things that they come to regret down the phone to one another.

Have you got anyone to turn to? What are your Christmas plans?

Keep posting. You need to vent so that you can be calm, cool and collected when you speak to him.

He likely wants you to be angry so that he can be all self-righteous about how you are always mad at him. It will be far easier for him to enjoy a night out without you if he thinks that you are going to be angry with him no matter what. He may use it as a reason to stay out later and more often

I am so furious with his behavious, Im going to have to go and sort the kids out in a mo, they are playing up with lack of attention.

My head is splitting, he thinks he has done no wrong how can I possibly make him see?

Snap! My DD2 was sick last night the whole works (winter vomiting bug) and we have missed the pre-school party and my DD1's carol concert at the local church. In the meantime my DH is going to a party from 5pm and he will crash out at his parents (they live near his work) and then he will walk to work tomorrow morning, then have ANOTHER party on Friday night and then he will stay at his parents again.
So basically i'm stuck at home by myself with a poorly child and another who's just started complaining of a funny tummy.
I feel like it's going to be a long couple of nights
Oh yeah and on Saturday he wants to go shopping and i've got the kids ALL day.
But then, he does not go out every week, it's just that it's all come at once.

I think when the woman stops work to look after the dc and the man carries on working, he really doesn't have any idea how much work is involved and they tend to carry on living their life as they did before the dc, because they can!

Us Mums cant, we have to change how we live our lifes, make changes and compromises but I dont think the men do that (sorry if generalising - but my h was the same).

When I found out about my h's affair he said (amongst other things) it was because we didn't go out together, but he could have changed that

I really think you need to make an ultimatum but it must be something you will carry through.

Do you not go to any baby/toddler groups? It really does help to get out and socialise a bit. Maybe speak to your HV about meeting other Mums.

Above all, remember you are NOT being unreasonable. He is being an ARSE.

He sounds like he has very little respect for you at the moment

You are in a rut. It's very common when couples have young children. He doesn't seem to realise (or is ignoring) how damaging it is because he is not the one suffering.

Would you consider suggesting counselling to him, or tell him you feel low and need to talk to someone? Even if you don't feel it's what you need, it might be the rocket up his bum he needs to take the problem seriously. Because at the moment he is taking you for granted completely.

Listen, you need to take the focus off of him and put it on you. He is doing what is ok for him and it sounds like anything you say right now is unreasonable to him.

So lets plan tonight. he is out right?

Ok. Kids fed and bathed...do that first. Thean a glass of vino for you. Is there ANYONE you can call to come round so thazt you are not alone? Really think now...dont say oh they wont because of xyz...give them a call. if not have a nice bath yourself...be really really indulgent and over the top. Post on here all night if you have to...

Morespanthanglam is so right about keeping the focus on you because he is not going to change his plans for tonight.

Pay attention to your kids and then take care of yourself. Is there a girlie movie on that you could watch with a nice hot cuppa?

I do remember reading that sometimes it helps to journal how you are feeling throughout your evening(s) alone so that you can present it to your DH. He might be surprised to see the range of emotions as men tend to think that they are in 'trouble' and that you are just annoyed with them.

The other piece of information that I feel compelled to pass along is that(according to a talk radio show I heard the other day) January 6 is statistically the busiest day for divorce lawyers and Christmas stress is a big contributer to this phenomenon. Apparently, men do feel torn between loyalty to family and obligations to work dos at the holidays. As the providers, they worry that if their bosses and clients see them shirking the Christmas parties that they might not be as successful as other colleagues.

I think that this is utter bollox but wanted to present another view...

My heart goes out to you because it is really hard especially when you are alone with all of the childcare responsibilities. It does get (somewhat) easier as they get older and you have an established group of friends.

And agree with MoreSpam. At the moment you can't change his unreasonable behaviour - he just digs his heels in further, so try to make your evenings in alone as pleasant for yourself as possible.

Think about the new year, positive changes you can make to become less lonely and down on yourself.

Hopefully this is short term. Your DH is currently being very selfish, but you say he usually puts the family first, so there is hope he will get over this once the party season is over. When he is no longer acting like a teenager and seeing you as the 'nag' trying to ruin his fun, he may start to talk reasonably to you about changes to your relationship.

Agree with Cadmum, writing a journal really does help. I have kept one for over a year now, since finding out about h's affair. When you are feeling really low it is good to write down all of your feelings.

It is sort of like telling someone else your worries etc. and a small weight lifts off your shoulders each time.

I dont write in it every day but try to update it regularly. It is always a surprise when you look back and see how low you were.

x

Your DH is being an arse, but you cannot change people only your reaction to them IYSWIM.

We need a plan of action for you my girl. I would be a great idea to make some friends, ideally mums so you can off load some of your worries. Toddler groups, mums groups anything.

Enlist on an evening course. A lot of ones should be starting about January and can be very cheap. Do not ask your DHs permission - tell him. You will make knew friends, learn something new and most importantly get out of the bloody house.

You mentioned you felt like a "fat cow". How about starting a healthy regime in the New Year. I put on a lot of weight after each pregnancy and really had to work at losing it. But, boy was it worth it as my mood was dramatically changed. Felt like my old self IYSWIM.

How about getting a Part-time job, then you will have money to go out with your new friends. Oh, and again if you have money you won't need your DHs permission.

I know none of this advice will help you right now but if you do some it by the Summer you may well be dramatically happier.

I think everyone has excellent advice-you need to focus on you and having time for yourself. I would buy one of those organiser calendars and just write down when you are going out. Even if you just do something like go for a swim on your own to start with you can at least book it on the calendar. Get your local college evening class book and have a go at something that interests you.

Sorry, another question? Can you drive? Do you have a car? Being able to drive and reach places inaccessible by public transport is great for feeling less isolated.

For what its worth I had 10 years of this. I started a college course this september (I have 3 dcs 14, 9, 2) and I am full time. It has been the best therapy ever. The nights alone mean I concentrate on homework and every week I get a grade that says "You did this really well - clever you" makes me feel evermore confident. I also make definite plans with girlfriends and go on other forums (shoosh dont tell mnhq) that are interesting (mainly music forums) and have made lots of friends on there. I am now at the point where I couldnt care less what he does as long as I have my time. If I have plans - he has to be here. Instead of sitting in watching the clock tick away and getting more wound up the later it got.

Hi , managed to get back on.

He is home tonight, one more do tomorrow and then that is meant to be it for christmas.

We have not spoken since the name calling at work earlier so it looks set to fester.

I really appreciate all your ideas, I really really want to go back to university but realistically can not even consider it until both children are in full time school. We can not afford childcare and have no family help so thats that out of the window. I am however going to kick myself up the bum and enrol on an evening course, do they cost lots of money? I am also going to start a diet after christmas and I need to sort out my counselling ( eating issues) I really really need to make time for me.

I am still very upset by his behaviour, but like you said I need to get a grip and concentrate on me.

Thankyou all so much for your kind words and thoughts xNow any suggestions as to what course I should do?

This sounds great! Deciding to make those changes is a huge step in itself, so well done.

I can't tell you what course to do but I can provide yet more questions (which you don't need to answer here)!

What are you mosst interested in?
What academic qualifications do you already have?
Do you have a particular degree course in mind?
Are your academic qualifications enough to get you onto your preferred degree or do you need to get some A levels or do an access course? If so, maybe that's what you should do now.

If you don't need to complete any particular course or qualification before you enrol for your degree, go through the college prospectus and pick whatever most interests and excites you. It will be a hard slog if you pick a course because you think you ought to, rather than actually wanting to do it. An 'academic' course has the advantage of getting you back into the habit of studying but perhaps a short 'hobby' course like photography would be a fun way to start.

Good luck.

Ive just looked at my local adult ed centre and even there I am looking at £200 plus for the courses I want to do.

I want to be a nurse but I dont have the backing of family to enable me to study and do the long hours needed. I also dont want to do that until the kids are older, maybe even left home

Its just the money that is going to be an issue now

Oh dear. Do you qualify for any discount or subsidy? My local college runs various courses for women returning to work (they tend to be trade- or IT-related) which are heavily subsidised or free: does yours offer anything similar? If money really is going to be an obstacle, would it be better to do a more affordable course, even if that isn't your first choice?

Alternatively, can you find some way of squeezing £200 out of the family budget? Is that the cost per term or per year, by the way? You need (not easy, I know) to have a calm discussion about money and how much each of you can have every month for clothes/going out/general fun and frittering. 3 x £200 a year isn't much more than £10 a week - can the family budget stand that?