Anyone have experience of long distance relationships?

[kat57]

I'm a 50 year old single mum (DD of 8) and am engaged to a lovely man who lives over 200 miles away so we only see eachother every other weekend. My DD's dad is very hands-on and lives close by and has DD a lot and she's very happy. I've known my DP for just under a year and he's planning to move and be with me in 1 to 2 years. The reason he can't move now is that he has his 18 year old son living with him a lot of the time, although the boy's mother lives closeby and has him too. She took the kids (he also has a daughter of 20 at uni) to live 200 miles away when they divorced and he travelled to see them every weekend until about 3 years ago when he decided to relocate to their area so he could be with them properly.

When I first started seeing him I thought the situation was fine and I could handle it but the longer it goes on the harder it gets. Every time we part, I feel almost bereft and it takes me days to get back into the swing of things. I know he finds it very hard too and he's said he'll be so relieved when we're together. Not only is the journey tiring (we take it in turns) but I'm finding it so emotionally draining. I love him dearly, I know he's the one for me and he feels the same but how do I manage the situation for what could be another two years? A lot of the time I feel I'm too emotionally needy and not secure enough for this type of relationship.I'd move to be with him if it wasn't for my daughter but she's still little and needs to be near her dad. Part of me feels his son is old enough now for him to move away and he could always visit regularly but DP wants to be with him until he's sorted. As the son is quite vague about what he wants to do though (currently doing A levels) I really don't know how long it's going to take. Am I being selfish in considering trying to move things along or do I just sit tight and try and be patient?

I have only read your title and am on my way out.... but would love to chat about loooooooooong distant relationships...

I will pop back tonight or tomorrow to say hello - and read your op!!!!

Hi Kat - I had a long distance relationship about 8 years ago and it was very hard.

He couldn't move in with me as I had a small baby and DH had only recently left and I just felt it was too soon and people would blame me for the break up.

He lived 150 miles away with no good roads inbetween!

I would look forward to seeing him and then before we'd even met that time, be planning when I could see him again and making him promise that he would stick to it - not that he ever let me down! The constant having to be available when he called, having to keep all weekends free etc got too much in the end and we split. That was a terrible time too and one night he drove to me at 1 am, getting here about 4 am!

I would consider trying to move things along if at all possible, I don't think it's pushy.

having said my story, my friend had a long distance relationship which all worked out and now they've lived together for 7 years! She is much more relaxed than me though.

Good luck!

Thanks metoo, am feeling very low today because have just had a great weekend with him and won't see him now till Christmas. I think being relaxed does help and I'm not like that unfortunately. Sorry it didn't work out for you but hope you're happy now.

Sorry, I think it would be very pushy to try to "move things along" if that means asking him to disturb the living arrangements of his teenage son who is doing A-levels.

You won't see him until Christmas? Christmas is next week! Get some perspective.

DH and I lived on separate continents for two years before we got engaged, so I do have some sympathy for your situation and I know it's not easy.

The thing is, if you know he's the man for you, and you guys have plans to move closer together then you are in a great position. Try to relax and enjoy the benefits of a LD relationship

• together time is really precious, and you tend to savour it
• you get to maintain all the good things about being single - pleasing yourself, your own space, more time to see friends etc. etc.
• in your case you'll have another year or so on your own with your DD before she has a stepfather to deal with

Don't spoil something good by getting would up and impatient about things you can't change.

It says a great deal good about him that he is taking his responsibilities to his son seriously. It's not your place to have any feelings on whether the son is old enough to move away.

You could reasonably start a discussion about exactly when you two are planning to marry and what is going to happen once the A-levels are over. But even when his son is at college (or whatever he does next), he'll still need to know his Dad's is somewhere he has place to lay his head.

if you have to sit tight for the children, that's what you have to do.

1. install skype on your computers so you can call each other for free.
2. get webcams so you can see each other in the meantime.
3. can't you see each other with your dc every other weekend that you don't have free? (so you still keep a special one for dc every other one, but you see each other more often).
4. always plan your next visit during the w/e - not right at the end when you are about to leave because it makes leaving worse.
5. text a lot during the day, espacially "good morning" and "goodnight"
6. don't save your phone calls just for one long one the end of the day - chat for a minute or two throughout the day if you can as well.
7. play backgammon etc on msn in the evenings - as if you are together.
8. expect it to go in phases - sometimes harder and sometimes easier.
9. if you can, try and have the conversations you don't want to have, over the phone so you don't spoil your w/es.

10. don't let things fester - you can't always wait for the "right" time to address things when you have so little time together and that time is so precious - so, again, you may have to talk about stuff over the phone. 11. book cheap weekends away occasionally - even if you go somewhere not very inspiring, you will value the time together. in fact sometimes if there is absolutely nothing to do you will spend even better quality time together! and when there is no housework etc you can enjoy each other more. 12. talk to each other about how hard it is - without becoming a moaning old minny! you can support each other. you might need to tell each other what would make it easier for each of you...don't expect him to know what you need!

skidoodle makes a good point about enjoying the benefits of a ldr...that is make the most of them, even though you'd rather not have those benefits!

particularly:

you can go days and days without shaving your legs or underarms

no-one will moan if you don't get round to vacuuming one day

your can wear warm snuggly pyjamas for most of the winter

if you and DC get headlice, you have time to get rid of them without even telling him - and if he gets them you don't have to take the blame becaus he needn't know you had them

you can wear comfy knickers and grey bras most days and save the good stuff for your weekends together

mostly you can trump in bed without embarrassment

it goes without saying i have never done any of those things...but you could

I really appreciate the advice - and I do know that if I have a bit of contact with him during the day I feel so much better. I need to tell him, because he's so much more laid back about it. And you're both right, we have to sit tight because of the kids so I should just tell him what would make it easier for me in the meantime (ie points 1-12 above!)

and create stepping stones - holidays together (if you can get a week away together, do!), a time when you plan to be able together a little more etc. 1 to 2 years isn't a lifetime...could you try and think of it as if you are "dating," and value the slowness of it?

also, if you keep clothes etc in each others' homes you won't feel so much like visitors, but more like you both have two homes.

when you discuss it with him, remember that as a man, he probably doesn't really "do" chatting on the phone...but it might be the main concession he has to make to make things work. that is, you accept you don't get to speak to him as much as you want, but he has to agree to speak to you more than he naturally would. so he knows you are both compromising

Hi Kat57!!!

I was in a long distant relationship for two and a half years before I moved to live with him and now we are married with one dd!

During what my Gran calls our 'courting' days I quite liked the 100% feel of it. When you are together it is so special that you are 100% there for each other. When you are not together you have all the freedom of a single gal - which I enjoyed too!!!

Ours was an international relationship! DH was living in Paris me in rural East Anglia. I arranged to have a phone company that provided free phone calls to France so we could phone most days but my mobile phone bill was always very very high with all our texty flirting!!!

I actually found the travelling was fun - I used to have a Eurostar routine that involved going to the toilets about 20 minutes before seeing DH to apply make up and sometimes even change from my work clothes into clothes for dinner and of course to impress him a bit too!!! We often met at his place or at mine, but also in crazy places... Often in dodgy hotels in London, in an old boarding school where a friend of mine was working and the children all went home at the weekend leaving her on her own - so the three of us would have this beautiful mannor house to ourselves, once in a little b and b by the sea for my birthday and another time we decided to meet in Prague! After I knew his family we would often meet in Brittany and spend hours walking his Mum's dog or playing with is sister's children!!! Can't you find places in the middle of your place and his to meet? I think it would be good fun for you both!

You say you won't see him until Christmas - I have news for you - Christmas is really really close!

Why don't you organise something fun to do at the wkd to keep your spirits up until you next see your Mr Somebody (This is what I used to call dh) and make a few plans to make Christmas completely magical with him????

we often talk about courting too!! and recognise the benefits that has brought to our relationship and how lucky we have been to have that special time (years!) to get to know each other inside out before we tackled the dreariness of real day-to-day life!!
that isn't to say we nver have conversations that begin "i wish..."
but life is as it is...for now...but won't be forever

LOL @ fourkidsmum

yes, hairy legs and copious farting! I knew there were some important advantages I had forgotten.

I think the 12 steps are brilliant.

no. 4 is very important and not necessarily one you'd think of. It doesn't even have to be during the weekend - it can be on the phone, and you can plan a long way in advance (to have lots to look forward to) but definitely don't leave it until parting time. You'll just put too much pressure on the saying goodbye that way.

One other thing that I found useful - try to have something planned for after he leaves. If you feel blue after you say goodbye it can be good to go out with friends or have some company right afterwards (well after a little time for self-indulgent mushy thoughts first)

I take ages posting - fourkidsmum - I hadn't read your previous messages - your 12 rules are absolutely 100% brilliant!!! Congratulation - you should write a book!

Are you now living with your lddp (long distance dearest partner) too?

I had the same experience. My ex lived 200 miles away, we only saw each other every other weekend and it was very, very hard. I gave up on it in the end because I wanted a proper partner, not a part time one.

My uncle died one day and he sent me a 'virtual hug' via msn. That was when I realised how ridiculous it was.

I certainly wouldn't do it again, no matter how right he was.

Hello skidoodle - I agree with your points too!

Hello MrsSnape too - Sorry your lddp didn't work out.

Hey - Goodness I am the x post Queen tonight!!!

Hi Christmasfortwo

To be fair, my ex was also a total prat which didn't help.

we have been in a ldr for 3 years...we have gone from the odd snatched evening with no overnight stays (in the beginning), through every third weekend (worked around both our sets of dcs) to what we have now which is that we see each other every weekend - not for a whole weekend every weekend, but we see each other pretty much every weekend (nostly we have a whole weekend two out of three), occasionally on our own , and mostly with some or all of the children. plus dp quite often spends part of the week here, work allowing.

we both class this as home, and his house as our second home, and so we approach it as him coming home at weekends and working away during a lot of the weeks - when he very conveniently has a house to stay in

the ldr has brought ton of complications that i'd never have thought of, but none insummountable (omg, do you spell it like that?) and when we moan that we wish it were simpler and we wish we'd met earlier etc, we then remember that we are glad we met at all! and we are glad we get the time together that we do, and that we are both happier than we ever thought was possible

it's better to be in a ldr with mr right than living with mr wrong and his smelly pants and socks. that's what i say anyway

lddp and i also remind ourselves that if the other were sent to prison for a heinous crime, the other would unquestionably wait for twenty years for them to be released (or spring them, risking all), so a week or two isn't so much really.

i wish MN had a sort of spreadsheet function where i could store stuff about people i "meet"...you know people who have had similar experiences/problems/solutions...people who have similar lives...people who have similar senses of humour...people who give good advice...people who i just like...people who i need to remember get arsey about certain things...like the "favourites" button on internet explorer!!!

"it's better to be in a ldr with mr right than living with mr wrong"

yes

Also I think LDR can concentrate the mind wonderfully - a lot of the happiest couples I know had periods of long distance love. It's not what you'd wish for, but I think there are definitely positives you can focus on.

Just to throw in my two pence worth... my dad remarried and emigrated when my brother was 17... he felt really bereft even though he had a stable home with his mum ( I was a lot older so it didn't bother me)
So I think it's great that your dp is staying put for a while till his son is more sorted. I know v hard in the meantime, but 1-2 years is nothing compared to the rest of your lives.

ah skidoodle thank you i did consider checking but am trying hard to be less anal about such things

This is great, I feel galvanised! Fourdkids (and your 12 steps are brilliant), do you have any plans to be together full-time sometime soon?

LOL at mrssnape's prat!!!

kat - it is fun talking about long distant relationships!!! Thanks for this thread!