Anyone have experience of long distance relationships?

[kat57]

I'm a 50 year old single mum (DD of 8) and am engaged to a lovely man who lives over 200 miles away so we only see eachother every other weekend. My DD's dad is very hands-on and lives close by and has DD a lot and she's very happy. I've known my DP for just under a year and he's planning to move and be with me in 1 to 2 years. The reason he can't move now is that he has his 18 year old son living with him a lot of the time, although the boy's mother lives closeby and has him too. She took the kids (he also has a daughter of 20 at uni) to live 200 miles away when they divorced and he travelled to see them every weekend until about 3 years ago when he decided to relocate to their area so he could be with them properly.

When I first started seeing him I thought the situation was fine and I could handle it but the longer it goes on the harder it gets. Every time we part, I feel almost bereft and it takes me days to get back into the swing of things. I know he finds it very hard too and he's said he'll be so relieved when we're together. Not only is the journey tiring (we take it in turns) but I'm finding it so emotionally draining. I love him dearly, I know he's the one for me and he feels the same but how do I manage the situation for what could be another two years? A lot of the time I feel I'm too emotionally needy and not secure enough for this type of relationship.I'd move to be with him if it wasn't for my daughter but she's still little and needs to be near her dad. Part of me feels his son is old enough now for him to move away and he could always visit regularly but DP wants to be with him until he's sorted. As the son is quite vague about what he wants to do though (currently doing A levels) I really don't know how long it's going to take. Am I being selfish in considering trying to move things along or do I just sit tight and try and be patient?

well, we plan to be together as much as possible as soon as possible!
but that means dp getting a new job in the recession (and leaving a very very good one in a recession) with the flexibilty to spend at least part of most fridays picking up his dc and other days away to go to parents eves, school plays, etc...so this is as good as it probably gets for now.
and we'll probably have some weekends apart even if we manage to pull it together full time - because we both agree that it is important for our own dcs to get to spend special time with just their own parent. and the youngest is only just into junior school.

however, stay galvanized! i have gone through phases where i felt like i really couldn't do it..i never thought "i'm not doing this any more because it's too hard," but there have certainly been times when i've been very down and thought "i just don't know how i'm going to do this." and sometimes i've felt like that for some time.
and sometimes it's been more secondary things, like i've had something on my mind, but have waited for the right time to address it - not wanting to do so on the phone, nor to spoil a w/e - so that it's festered until it's a big issue i don't do that now.
sometimes i miss dp so much that i feel pain - i feel like i imagine a pining dog feels! and sometimes it isn't so bad - i miss him in a good way...a positive way.
it took us a long time, and a lot of trial and error to come to the best way for us to deal with it...but certainly some of the 12 things i jotted down really improved things for us. (there are only 12 because they were what sprung to mind!)

we should ask for a ldr topic!! i'm all ears for anyone else's good advice on the subject!

I had one a few years back (before having DS): I enjoyed it because I like having a lot of my own time and space. He lived in Nottingham, I live in London, we saw each other roughly every other weekend and talked on the phone most days. We did talk vaguely about one of us moving house, but never did anything about it, and split up reasonably amicably after a couple of years (and are in fact still friends).

I think one of the advantages of having a partner who lives some distance away is that you get to have a life not just a relationship.

this thread is brilliant - it has actually put a very positive spin on something I think I might have dismissed out of hand but actually might work well for me.

It's turned my thinking on its head and made me realise limited my thinking can be sometimes.

Thanks all.

!!! Hi wintercitylover - maybe you will be namechanging to othercitylover now!!!

I just saw some info given on clothes - yes -yes - yes - do both have clothes, toothbrush, shampoo etc etc at each other's place! - Having to pack and turning up with an overflowing backpack is a drag - but turning up with nothing but yourself is quite sexy!

hi wintercitylover,

i can't find my glasses and don't like making the text on the screen bigger cos you have to scroll around so much more...anyway i though you were called wintercityclover and i thought what a lovely picture that was...a lone sprig of frosty clover in the big city

golly, i sound like i sould take my teeth out and get on with my crocheting don't i! must get out more...

Fourdkidsmum, I thought I was being needy feeling pain...but that's what it feels like sometimes. Didn't know how to express it to him but just now on the phone suggested that he texted me a couple of times in the day and that would make me happy. Feel so much better knowing I'm not alone - nearly felt like giving up today!

aw don't give up!

i know that you mean the pain would sort of numb and go away if you weren't together, instead of being soothed for a day or so then dragged right back out again over and over again.
but in reality, if it's so bad not seeing him for a fortnight, how would it be not seeing him ever???

just come back here for soothing - we have a club now!!

We were still living apart for some of the time I was pregnant - for me it was sad sometimes...I really had a big cry when he left to go home after the first scan...

But the good bits were so so good I could put up with all the missing him so much for that!

Even if he did great me like this while pregnant - "Wow! You are really massive now. Even your bum is really big!!!"

I like this club!!!!

DH and I lived apart for 4 years when we first got together. We were both PhD students and had practically no money, and spent everything we had on trains.

It was hard, but it was also tremendously romantic - meeting at stations is lovely - and we'll have been together 10 years in Feb, married for 4 in March. Good luck!

Oh yes - we still often go away separately and dh insists on coming to meet me if it is me going away... it is really very lovely to meet at a station or airport!!!

I remember that bereft feeling, kat57: DH and I started out as a long-distance relationship (him in Dublin/me in London)....Sorry, I'll have to finish this tomorrow because I must go to bed

christmasteafortwo rofl

your dp is VERY ROMANTIC!

It is funny - when we were living apart I would have done anything to spend an evening with him.

So far tonight he has been laying on the sofa watching films all night and I have been mning all night!!!

• How times change, hey????

Good night!!! x

Of course I won't give up, he's the best and I love him loads. And we have a club now, you girls are great, nite nite x

I met dp on the internet and we had a ldr for 2 years before I moved here, I was up north, he was down south. I agree that it was hard and we would go weeks without seeing each other, plus the astronomical phone bills. But I did love all the staying in hotels and the excitement of meeting up (and lets face it the sex is always great and plenty of it ).

The thing that forced both our hands was me phoning Dp sobbing I'm preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeggggggggnnnnant lol. We didn't live together until after dd was born and I did miss him when pg. He did the whole meeting me when I was about 8 months and going your huge, erm well yes duh, and also laughing at me trying to run for a bus lol.

• and there's me thinking I had been living a completely wild and original life - but sounds like you were living it too!!!

How has your life developed since moving in together (are you all auuup norf or dawn sawf?) How old is your little one? Did you have a dd or a ds? Did you have any more children? Was it ok finding work for the person who moved?

Of course all research for Kat57 - so she can see how wonderful ldrs can be nothing to do with my massively nosey side at all as all at all!!!!

Just come back here this morning because I need a bit of bucking up. Said to him last night how happy it would make me if he just texted me good night and good morning and he didn't text me this morning. I don't want to come across as needy but this really is a big deal to me. How do I make him realise that this little thing makes all the difference? I know men tend to different when it comes to contact and he is very busy during the working day (he's a carpenter) but he does text his mates and kids so I know he's comfortable with it. He used to text a lot more in the beginning and I still get little romantic texts from time to time but it's not consistent. So when everything else is fine, do I make something out of this? But perhaps I should listen to my gut feeling which is that I should because it makes me so happy!

Did you text him?

V nice things to do occasionally - not all at the same time-

• Send him text message in morning or at night - if he doesn't answer at least you are showing him what you think is nice and one day he will catch on!

• Good morning e-mail for when he gets to work

• Phone - "I have just got a minute but wanted to phone to say good morning I love you! I love you. Bye!"

• Send little things in post - a funny or nice postcard you saw, a beer mat you stole from a pub for him and you thought he'd like (nothing vomit inducing no hearts and glitter please- e.g my dh likes dogs and art so I used to still send postcards of a particular breed of dog he adores or a beautiful painting I happened across and know he would love too). DH loves books so I used to post him books from abe and amazon.

• Leave something at his place when you leave - my dh loved it when a few times I left a big bunch of flowers - I think a woman buying a man flowers is very nice!

• Something else we did (I found lately and although at the time we thought it was fab it is actually really really rubbish) was try to write a story together. It was between two lovers like us and about what they did, how they met etc... their ups and downs...but told through letters between them that we would e-mail, leave with each other or post to each other. I wrote the woman's letters he wrote the man's. Of course we were just putting our own thoughts and feelings into these characters - I found it very lovely at the time - but was very to read it recently - WHAT!!! - I wrote that??? It is so rubbish!!! Ha ha ha!!!!

I found all of the above was/is very nice to do and the response to these things was always very lovely too!!!

Hope this is of help!

Thanks Christmas - I think your ideas are very nice and especially the first one. Perhaps I can lead by example - am very insecure though so if I don't get a reply it'll be hard but it's worth a try!

DH and I had a long distance relationship in different countries for nearly a year before he came to live in the UK. We could afford one flight each a month so saw each other 1xfortnightly.

It was tough, yes, but sooo exciting and I look back on those days fondly. I miss the thrill of meeting him at the airport, and of arriving there, in my 'other life'. I miss the constant emails and little phone calls before bed. We made so much of our time together and it's how we fell in love.

I hope things work out for you. This thread is lovely.. so many positives to focus on. Some great suggestions too.

definitely lead by example!

and explain that you feel like if you were together you'd say good morning and goodnight - it would be rude not to, after all - so it would make you feel closer if you did it electrioically seeing as you can't be together all the time.

Kat57 - if you don't get an answer he is busy - it isn't a reflection on you!

Be confident and dramatic - send him something he can't not notice!!!!

"Good morning. I dreamt about you last night!" Is a good one.

We used to read the same book too - another reason to text - I am on p67 - what do you think of the way he describes the little boy? - Incredible, no?

• Ha ha ha - I am having lots of fun remembering all this - but need to go and marzipan the christmas cake!!!

yes, about reading the same books (well...sort of ) i used to love that we would both sit down and watch, say, eastenders "together"...but apart iyswi.
but then sky+ went and spoilt all that!