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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

PLEASE HELP ME GET THROUGH TODAY - dh has gone and I can't stop crying

54 replies

NeedyW · 15/12/2008 09:58

I asked him to leave last week because of his treatment of me. It is due to his depression, but I've put up with so much over the past year, I can't go on like this.

If I didn't blame the depression for his actions then I would never have stayed with him. I know he is ill, but it's having too great an effect on the dcs and me. I'm pregnant too.

I don't want to be beaten up for asking him to leave. I don't want to be told this is all my fault. Please don't, I can't take it. Not today. Tell me tomorrow.

After asking him to leave last week we talked and I agreed to give him one last chance. Well, he's blown it already. Couldn't even last a week.

So I asked him to leave. He didn't fight. He walked away while I sobbed my heart out, without saying a word.

He has since sent a message saying that this is not the end, he will fix it and the reason he is so cold is that he knows I'm right and that he must do it alone.

So, he's gone now. He's off to find himself. And I'm alone with the dcs. The week before Christmas.

And all I want is my real dh back, not the horrible one who treats me so badly, the real one, who is kind and would comfort me and fight for us. I just wish he loved me enough to fight.

I don't have anyone nearby in RL to turn to. So please get me through today. I feel so alone

OP posts:
Jazzicatz · 15/12/2008 10:01

Oh sweetheart just wanted to send you a big {{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}} and say thinking of you.

mumof2teenboys · 15/12/2008 10:02

Oh hunni, I don't know what to say to you but I couldn't let this go without replying.

Lots of love and hugs to you.

Mo xxx

Tortington · 15/12/2008 10:02

you will get through it- and you might even find that life isn't worth living like that - and you might try telling him that you aren't going to wait forever - you are not the virgin mary and at some point there will be male interest = it might be years it might be months.

i think men forget this when they are wrapped up in their own problems that one day your kids could have another dad - a better one - you could be happy with someone elses penis in you having great sex.

spell it out. life will go on. does he want to be in it or not?

and dont cry infront of him - show the world you are coping fine - you will - worse things havehappened at sea - and i dont ean to be trite and glib - i truly dont - stiffen your upper lip - gather your resolve and march forward into your life

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 15/12/2008 10:03

Bless you. You know he has to sort himself out, and do it himself before you can be a fa,mily again. Doesn't make it any easier. I'm so sorry he couldn't pull it out of the bag but it was always unlikely...it's going to be a longer road than that but there is no reason why you won't get there, as a family, if he takes it seriously and seeks serious help.
Horrible time for it to happen but don't lose heart - this is what needs to happen to start getting your DH back. xxx

GreenMonkies · 15/12/2008 10:03

I can offer you nothing but sympathy and cyber-hugs. It must have been a very difficult decision to make.

Is he getting help or treatment for his depression? Might you be able to rebuild once he's getting better maybe?

One thing I do know is that you are not alone. I am here, and so is the rest of Mumsnet.

SammyK · 15/12/2008 10:07

Oh needyw, I have followed your threads and really feel for you, you are doing the right thing, you have yourself (and baby bump) and dcs to put first.

If you an I think you need to emotionally detach from him as much as you can - focus on you and the kids, and enjoy the change in atmosphere.

Can you get out anywhere to clear your head? Even just a walk to the local shop for chocolate, or go to the library and get a book. If you can't face going out have a bath or watch a movie, be kind to yourself. {{{hugs}}}

cheerytinselcherry · 15/12/2008 10:08

NeedyW is he on anti depressants? Has he seen a dr? Because that must be his first call, in a bid to get things on the right track. I have been there too, to live with someone depressed is bloody hard work, its like being a single parent cos you are doing it all, but worse because he is there ...and what you really want is them to pull their weight. It causes so many emotions, and if you are preganant too, that will only make things feel tenfold. Get him to the dr, make him an appointment, drag him there. There is help out there. You are not alone.

Original poster
NeedyW · 15/12/2008 10:10

Thank you everyone. Custy you always make me smile - even when my stupid tears get in the way.

I was ready last week. I was strong and unfazed and I didn't cry. But I did give in. This week I feel I've been forced to do what I threatened.

We haven't separated at all. He is just gone. And I'm supposed to just cope.

In his head he believes things will be easier without him around. In the long term this may be true, but for now he seems to think that he is the only one affected by this.

OP posts:
georgiemum · 15/12/2008 10:10

It is not your fault. You have done what you neede to do for yourself and your children. You have to believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Has he seen someone? He probably just needs time and space to get back on track. You couldn't just keep going on, hoping that you'd wake up one day and things would be back to normal. He needs to 'fix' himself to be the person he was. At the moment, he probably just can't see past his own nose, so it isn't about you or the kids.

Try to focus on the children and look after yourself (and the baby).

simpsonsChristmasSpecial · 15/12/2008 10:12

I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through something similar (posted on your other thread) so know something of what you are feeling ((hugs))

Do you know where your DH is staying?

Keep your self busy today (easier said than done I know!!) Go to park or library with Dcs.

Think Custardo is right and the hardest thing I did was to keep going in the day for Dcs and cry when they were in bed. I also limited contact with DH and did not see him for 6 or 7 weeks at all. Did not do it out of spite...just didn't think he was well enough to see Dcs iyswim.

Am thinking of you today...((hugs))

Original poster
NeedyW · 15/12/2008 10:13

Thanks Sammy - I think my face would frighten children today. Am neglecting my toddler currently, one day of cbeebies won't taint him forever will it?

He is on ADs, but came off them (and lied about it) he's back on ADs now, but only for about 6 weeks and has gone back up to his previous dose as of last week. He sees a counsellor once a fortnight, but due to her illness won't be seeing her until JAnuary now.

OP posts:
BellsCarolsNSleighs · 15/12/2008 10:16

sorry you have to go through this.. but you will get through it.. I have read your other threads and right now you have to put you and your dcs first. I hope that he sorts himself out, gets and takes help.

sending all my thoughts.x

Original poster
NeedyW · 15/12/2008 10:17

I'm too slow.

Georgie, Simpsons, thanks for your support. I need to find the strength I had. I gave so much of myself to him this week, I feel hollow.

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 15/12/2008 10:19

sorry this is the way it's panned out.

georgiemum · 15/12/2008 10:29

You will feel hollow because you have been supporting him so much you haven't had time to support yourself. See this as a breathing space for all of you. You will feel crap for a day or so then begin to focus on what you want to do.

Try to keep the lines of communication open. He is ill and needs to get some help. The councellor should have referred him on to a colleague. If the councellor isn't helping, he can ask to see another. But that doesn't mean that he can make you and the kids ill in the process.

Do something nice and relaxed with the kids, let them know that you are sad (and it's ok to be sad sometimes). This of christmas from the kids point of view - it is a magical time so try to focus on this and not the bad stuff. It will pass, I promise (and you can hold me to this).

Eve34 · 15/12/2008 10:29

Be kind to yourself have a day in your PJ's, eat choc watch children's TV and cry. Resolve to feel stronger tomorrow. I am so sorry it has come to this, I too followed your other thread and my heart goes out to you. You have done everything you can, and think this is the most sensible thing you can do at this time.

On the other hand, I am on AD's, and have missed a few this week and have been horrid - it was an accident, but in reflection some space, and time on my own to get my head together would of been the best thing to of done.

looneymum · 15/12/2008 10:38

Hi NW. Just wanted to say you will manage... although I know you think you wont. It is nearly a year since my DH (hopefully soon to be ex and certainly not dear!) left. The kids are happy and I am still rollercoastering along. Definitely be kind to yourself... don't do anything you don't want to do. I found it helpful not to enter into painful conversations and so now have nothing to do with soon to be ex... basically he just drops off and picks up and I never see him. We converse by text and I am much happier to be completely removed from him. Your DH must find his own way now and you must think of yourself. Remember you are great and will manage.. we always do. Take care. x

Original poster
NeedyW · 15/12/2008 10:39

georgie that is so utterly nice you've made me cry again (and I'd only just stopped!), but in a good way. I will hold you to it!

The counsellor was helping but she seems to have hit a brick wall. He needs to put some effort in too.

Eve, thank you. I just hope I have done everything I can.

What is the consensus on contact with him? Should I keep in touch or cut all contact for a few days? Accepting that I can't avoid that no matter which way this goes we will be spending at least some of Christmas together next week.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedyW · 15/12/2008 10:41

Thanks Looney. It's so frustrating. I know there is a good man in there somewhere, and every now and then I get glimpses, but I can't reach him.

I want to do it all for him and I can't.

OP posts:
wheredidmyoldlifego · 15/12/2008 10:43

Not sure what else I can do but am thinking about you today.

georgiemum · 15/12/2008 10:45

Personally, I would cut contact for a period - maybe a couple of days or week, with the understanding that you are both there for each other if there is a problem and anything to do with the kids. This will give you both space to breath.

Try another councellr or type of therapy. sometimes you just have to shop around to find the right type and sometimes there is a lack of 'fit' with the councellor and patient. Men sometimes do need to see male therapists.

Try to keep positive. OK, so it's maybe not the best time for this to come to a head but it could work out to be the best christmas present ever for you all.

Original poster
NeedyW · 15/12/2008 10:45

your name is curiously apt wheredidmyoldlifego. Thank you for the thoughts.

OP posts:
simpsonsChristmasSpecial · 15/12/2008 10:48

Georgie is spot on. You feel hollow because you have been supporting him. Now it is time to think of you.

Regards to contact....you have to put you and Dcs first not him. I had contact as I felt DH would be even worse without it but only one short phone call a day when Dcs were in bed and a few texts throughout the day. I kept it like that for 2mths.

Does your DH have a crisis team he can ring?

Original poster
NeedyW · 15/12/2008 10:53

I hope you're right georgie. This is his second counsellor - he did at least have the decency to leave the last one when she suggested that I was at least partially responsible for the way he treated me. Which was lovely. So rather than helping find ways of getting rid of his feelings of guilt he was supposed to shift their responsibility to me.

This one does at least try to convince him that there should be no guilt as it is destructive. Unfortunately so much of his problem seems to be the self-image he has formed for himself 'through my eyes'. He tells me I think of him a certain way, which validates his belief that he is a bad person whilst putting the blame for his belief onto me. It doesn't matter how many times I tell him that I have never said, or behaved, in a way to make him think I think that, he only believes what his head tells him IYSWIM. This counsellor seems to realise this, but any attempt by her to convince dh that he must not rely so much on what "I" (the made up me) think of him means he has a licence to hide behind 'defending his wife'.

It's all very clever and intricate

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedyW · 15/12/2008 10:57

simpsons I will email him their number now - not sure if he has it with him.

He is going to come to the house every day to take the dcs and the dog out for a walk for 2 hours. But he's not coming in (my choice) and I'm not going to see him (oldest dc is big enough to answer door and I'll be "too busy" to come too. They think he's working nights this week). Which will give me a break for myself as well as keeping contact going.

If I keep in contact by emails during the day is that too much?

He's quite good at communicating through email.

OP posts: