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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

PLEASE HELP ME GET THROUGH TODAY - dh has gone and I can't stop crying

54 replies

NeedyW · 15/12/2008 09:58

I asked him to leave last week because of his treatment of me. It is due to his depression, but I've put up with so much over the past year, I can't go on like this.

If I didn't blame the depression for his actions then I would never have stayed with him. I know he is ill, but it's having too great an effect on the dcs and me. I'm pregnant too.

I don't want to be beaten up for asking him to leave. I don't want to be told this is all my fault. Please don't, I can't take it. Not today. Tell me tomorrow.

After asking him to leave last week we talked and I agreed to give him one last chance. Well, he's blown it already. Couldn't even last a week.

So I asked him to leave. He didn't fight. He walked away while I sobbed my heart out, without saying a word.

He has since sent a message saying that this is not the end, he will fix it and the reason he is so cold is that he knows I'm right and that he must do it alone.

So, he's gone now. He's off to find himself. And I'm alone with the dcs. The week before Christmas.

And all I want is my real dh back, not the horrible one who treats me so badly, the real one, who is kind and would comfort me and fight for us. I just wish he loved me enough to fight.

I don't have anyone nearby in RL to turn to. So please get me through today. I feel so alone

OP posts:
ByThePowerOfBaileys · 15/12/2008 10:59

Oh Needy what an awful time for you.

This looks like it will go one of 2 ways - he will either sort himself out and come back to you - or you have taken the first steps of being a strong independant mother.

Either way this was the right thing to do. You deserve to be happy and your kids are entitled to a Mummy who isn't worrying about Daddy all the time.

with regards to contact - I would not be in touch for this week - talk to him at the weekend and discuss what is going to happen at Christmas - but go with what you are happy with and don't be bullied.

Good luck

georgiemum · 15/12/2008 11:01

Some people just want to find blame. It's human nature unfortunately.

It is hard to admit that your problems are self-inflicted and the therapist seemed to be taking the easy route by giving him permission to see the blame elsewhere. Would going to RELATE help? At least then he would see that you are not to blame for this and that unless you work together then it just won't work.

I have a piece of chinese calligraphy on the wall that my sister brought back from her travels. It translates approximately as 'if a couple can't see eye to eye they can't achieve anything'.

Original poster
NeedyW · 15/12/2008 11:03

Thanks Baileys.

He just seems so detached this week.

I wish I could have forseen that he couldn't do it. We were both in the right place last week - he was emotionally open and I was strong - this week I think he is filled with resentment and I'm all hollow.

I haven't emailed him after the first time and am feeling a bit more in control. Hope this feeling increases.

OP posts:
simpsonsChristmasSpecial · 15/12/2008 11:06

Needy - the crisis team were a God send for us and when DH was bad they popped in to see him every day and gave him his medication etc.

I would not have any more contact for a bit...think you probably need break. Give it a week or so and then see how you feel.

The problem with emails/texts is that every time he says what you want to hear, you will get your hopes up.

I HAD to have some contact with DH as he had no one (is from Ireland) and his family are pants so without me and my family he would have been totally on his own

Original poster
NeedyW · 15/12/2008 11:21

Oh dear. Starting to talk to myself. Think I'm in shock. Feel all numb now.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedyW · 15/12/2008 11:32

.

OP posts:
simpsonsChristmasSpecial · 15/12/2008 11:32

Take it hour by hour if you need to.

Its a horrid feeling I remember and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. So sorry you are going through this. ((hugs))

How long has DH been on the stronger dose of ADs?

My DH was told my crisis team that we wouldn't see any improvement until he had been on them for 3wks minimum and that was as long as he didn't miss any.

Original poster
NeedyW · 15/12/2008 11:35

Only a week. No change expected yet from the ADs, although he's been on a dose for 6 weeks - which you'd think would be doing something, but it doesn't seem to.

I'm taking it moment by moment. I feel really dizzy.

OP posts:
moopymoo · 15/12/2008 11:35

hi nw, been reading your thread and couldnt not respond. Tough road for you all ahead. Does your dh have a specific diagnosis of anything? And try not to get too bogged down in his counselling relationship, the specifics of what is said are hard to grasp second hand. But this will nodoubt be the beginning of better times ahead for you all, however it all turns out.

silentnightplease · 15/12/2008 11:38

Just wanted to say I think you are very very brave.

Sending hugs to you and your DCs - hopefully they will provide you with enough love to get you through.

Original poster
NeedyW · 15/12/2008 11:51

Moopy it's severe clinical depression - no special frills. I'm hoping this is the beginning of something good and not the end.

Thanks silent, I don't feel at all brave. I feel cowardly. I will try to feel stronger.

OP posts:
simpsonsChristmasSpecial · 15/12/2008 11:57

Needy - you are being brave...you may just not feel it ATM

Original poster
NeedyW · 15/12/2008 13:02

bump for a bit more backbone.

OP posts:
moopymoo · 15/12/2008 13:04

one foot infront of the other nw. you dont need to be strong or come to terms with everything today. And 'being strong' doesnt always feel strong, it is ok to be struggling too. get through today, then tomorrow. do you have emotional support and counselling?

bellaBuonNatalevita · 15/12/2008 13:10

Have read your previous posts and just wanted to say I am thinking about you and your family.

I hope it all comes right in the end for you.

Take care.

xx

Original poster
NeedyW · 15/12/2008 13:10

No on both counts

No close friends or family in the area either, so I am quite literally alone in all this.

I just need mn to stop me from begging him to come home today. I'll be stronger tomorrow.

On a side note, any advice for huge swollen eyes? They hurt!

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedyW · 15/12/2008 13:10

Thanks Bella.

OP posts:
Malkuth · 15/12/2008 13:44

Cucumber or cold teabags on your eyes feel lovely. Thinking of you and sending very un-MNish hugs!

simpsonsChristmasSpecial · 15/12/2008 14:43

I put cold E45 on my face and it felt lovely!!

Keep going, you are doing well ((hugs))

MuthaHoHoHubbard · 15/12/2008 16:43

I think you've done the right thing, you gave him all the support you could but everyone has a breaking point and you have the children to think about.

You feel hollow/empty because you are used to him leaning on you, you propping him up. If anything, you should feel a little like a weight has been lifted, the weight of him being kept afloat by you.

Second the cucumber option for the eyes.

(((hugs)))

MuthaHoHoHubbard · 15/12/2008 16:45

btw, whereabouts in the world are you? any local mnetters that could provide tea and sympathy/support

inthemistsoftime · 16/12/2008 07:44

Hi needyw, how are you today?

simpsonsChristmasSpecial · 16/12/2008 09:36

Needy - thinking of you today....

PeachyBidsYouNadoligLlawen · 16/12/2008 09:40

Needy

Original poster
NeedyW · 16/12/2008 09:40

Thanks everyone - eyes a lot less swollen today. I feel a lot better after some sleep.

Had a long talk with my sister last night which was nice and we've made plans for the weekend.

I may not be back for a bit as I think I need to concentrate a lot of time on my dcs and have some real fun with them.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone on here who offered support. You helped me get through a really difficult day, and stopped me from collapsing in on myself.

I'm going to give it some time and then have a proper talk with dh some time before Christmas, and then... who knows. But we will be ok, and as with all things, this too will pass.

You're all lovely. Thank God for MN!

OP posts: