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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Has anyone used a private detective to prove there is an OW, or should I just leave alone?

67 replies

patchworklil · 11/12/2008 14:50

Am separated from my husband, we have children. He has asked to come back several times saying that he still loves me etc etc
However, I am quite certain he is having an affair of some sort.
He's called me by this woman's name in error a few times. He has a number I don't recognise on his phone records that he has called and texted hundreds of times at weird times of day and night etc It seems to point to an old work colleague of his (I've never met her).
I am pregnant you see, the baby is due any day. I don't know whether I really want to know if that makes sense, but I think it might force me to face reality and get on with things. I don't think I would have him back either in any case.
My husband says there is no truth in it by the way, but he is a terrible liar and would never admit something like this unless hard evidence was produced.

OP posts:

RubyRedfort · 11/12/2008 14:52

NO but a friend of mine says now said she wished she had done.

Or just get a mate to check him out.

Original poster

patchworklil · 11/12/2008 14:57

I don't have anyone I could think of to check unfortunately. Also, he keeps meaning to give me the address of the shared flat he is ataying at...but hasn't yet (has been months) so I wouldn't know where to begin.
I do wonder if she knows about the dc, approaching baby and me.

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Original poster

patchworklil · 11/12/2008 15:49

bumping in the hope somebody has advice

OP posts:

NewHollyOtherIvy · 11/12/2008 15:54

my sister did, had her phoneline bugged for a LOT of money! you should have heard some of the sneaky phone calls her ex-DH had with his mates about his weekend antics

thenewme · 11/12/2008 15:55

Only if you can charge it to his credit card.

Doodle2U · 11/12/2008 15:56

Do you love him?

harleyd · 11/12/2008 15:57

if you arent going to have him back anyway i wouldnt waste the money

Original poster

patchworklil · 11/12/2008 16:17

I don't know if I do love him after his poor treatment of me.
I think I just want to know the truth as I'm in denial a bit, I'd have to make some tough decisions if I knew for sure. I think he may just be denying and declaring he still loves me as a safety net in case things don't work out with her. He seems content in his current lifestyle at the moment.
It does sound like he has another woman doesn't it? The texts, calls etc He texts her at the same time every day I think he must meet her for lunch.
My gut feeling is that it is true. I wouldn't dare to call her and find out in case I'm wrong.
Is it costly to use a private detective service? The only information I would have to give the PD would be dh mobile number and her mobile number, so I'm not sure how they would even manage it. I wouldn't want to devote a lot of money to it, not with a baby on the way.
I wish he would just tell me the truth!

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Doodle2U · 11/12/2008 16:57

Lil - a PD is expensive and even if it is proven that he's NOT having an affair, you're still in two minds about him and that speaks louder than anything a PD might come up with.

Here's my two pence worth:- get yourself and the children on an even keel. Have a very firm and definite plan as to what role he is going to play in terms of parenting the children (legally agreed if possible).

The relationship you have with him needs time to shake itself out and if he is on the level, that will be proven over time, without the need for a PD.

Good luck with the pregnancy and I hope you have a lovely, straightforward birth

HolyGuacamole · 11/12/2008 16:58

I don't know what you should actually do, but it sounds like you probably need to hear/see/know the truth before you can move on, to get rid of the 'what ifs'? Could you find another way of finding out, without spending an absolute fortune?

Also, if you are going to get to the bottom of it, you need to decide what you are going to do with the information if he is lying to you (and I think he is)....ie, will you just forgive him or will it be enough for you to get shot of him...

I wish you luck.

Original poster

patchworklil · 11/12/2008 18:14

I can't think of another way of finding out. I only have my husband's mobile number (he keeps fobbing me off about the address). We have no mutual friends who would help and his family would lie for him for sure.
My only option (apart from the PD) is to call the number I am sure is the OW and ask, but that really isn't me. I'm not brave enough and what if I have got it wrong. I don't know what else to do.
I must confess that dh and I haven't entirely finished aspects of our relationship so even though we are technically separated he would really be cheating on me and there would be the potential of std's to consider. I had no suspicion until he called me mistakenly by the same name twice (it is not a rare name, but uncommon enough for me to be suspicious).
If I knew it was true for certain I wouldn't let him near me again and there would be no chance for a future relationship for us.
It does hurt to think he could do this, and if it is true then he is definitely still seeing her judging from the phone records.

OP posts:

crazyloon1 · 11/12/2008 18:19

i think assume the worst. Your gut feeling is usually right - speaking as someone who began as the OW and went on to be the cheated on one. I knew he was seeing someone, it was blooming obvious, but I didn't want to believe it.

I think save your money and assume he is seeing someone else - although if you are not together he has a right to see tohers, I guess you just want peace of mind that he is either playing you or not. I do understand how you feel. You just need clarity to move on but you might not be able to get it anyway and it might make you feel worse if you actually act on this - like making a fantasy real. It's not your problem, you can't trust the guy anyway. Detach, detach, detach.

nkf · 11/12/2008 18:23

Hmm. A curious situation. Will it affect your decision or are you looking for another reason to end it? Are you supposed to be working on the possibility of a return or is he "free"? If he is free, I would suggest you are better off not sleepng with him. I imagine a detective is expensive. Sorry, I'm not much help. I hope you can find out one way or another.

MinkyBorage · 11/12/2008 18:26

If you can afford it get a pd! It might be the best £(insert huge amount) YOU HAVE EVER SPENT! Then you can once and for all prove to yourself that he is a two-timing git and you will know where you stand. How much will it cost, ish? Can you phone one to find out? Do you have other dc or is the baby you are pg with your first?
It will be easy for pd to find out. They would follow him from your place, or work.

Original poster

patchworklil · 11/12/2008 18:48

I will be devastated if this is confirmed and I know I should let it go, it's just gnawing at me I'm even having difficulty sleeping. It still feels like he is cheating.
No I have not continued relations with him since suspicions first arose, you're quite right.
I do have other dc with dh(3).
I have the problem that dh was made redundant recently and I have no idea of his day-to-day routine, and because I also have no address this is even more difficult. I can never predict his visits here either, they tend to be off-the cuff and sporadic. I just have their mobile numbers and I know the OW's full name and workplace (as of course it also used to be dh's).

OP posts:

Ivykaty44 · 11/12/2008 18:58

What is it that is gnawing at you - the thought of another woman or the frustration of the lies?

A place of work
a christain/first name ad surname
two mobile numbers
a car description and reg number for your dh?

You want to know her address - eay to find with a full name aslong as she wants to her rights to vote....

Original poster

patchworklil · 11/12/2008 19:03

"What is it that is gnawing at you - the thought of another woman or the frustration of the lies?" -

both I think, maybe deep down I did think we would eventually get back together and know that this can never happen if there is/has been another woman.

Yes, I do have that information apart from the car info, which I have as needed for the dc.

OP posts:

StarlightWonderStarlightBright · 11/12/2008 19:12

When your DH is out in an evening, call her from an unidentifiable phone and ask to speak to your DH.

InNeedOfSleep · 11/12/2008 19:13

Feel for you I really do have often had the same thought. My DP is a compulsive liar. If you find a good PD (also acronym for personality disorder hmm...what a coincidencce) let us know! Good luck, I would say you are probably MUCH better off without him but children complicate matters.

Ewe · 11/12/2008 19:20

What did he say when you asked him about the calls at funny times?

I would be getting his address from him without question, say you need it in case of emergency. Or for the school, something official.

If you don't trust him then PD or no PD you probably need to face that your marriage is over or attend counselling.

peasoup · 11/12/2008 19:32

Make a call from an unidentifiable phone to the mobile number that he's been ringing so often and ask to speak to the girl's name that he called you by accident. If the number belongs to the girl of that name then you'll feel abit more sure that he definately is cheating. Put on a funny voice then hang up.

WhirlingStirling · 11/12/2008 19:35

I would - you have your suspicions and you need to know the truth otherwise you cant make any decisions about your future. If he isnt seeing anyone else you can move forward with your relationship. If he is seeing someone then you know it is the end and you can move on.

Personally, I think that the fact you dont have his address speaks volumes.

Original poster

patchworklil · 11/12/2008 19:55

Ah I do really need an address as the baby is due (my dc have all been born early too, never reached due date)and I can't always reach him on his mobile. Even that does not seem to be enough to make him give me the address. When I question him about not giving it to me, he always replies that I can have have it, but conveniently never has it to hand.
I have just tried to call the number to confirm it was a woman which it was, but I had not the courage to speak. Oh dear!
Oh my goodness, dh has just emailed, I tried one last time and i think he is just about to admit it. I don't know what I shall do, it is true I know it.

OP posts:

MinkyBorage · 11/12/2008 20:01

Oh you poor thing. I really hoppe that you're OK.

Original poster

patchworklil · 11/12/2008 20:04

I'm shaking like a leaf, he hasn't replied yet. I might not have the need for a pd after all.
I'm going to try the woman again and just ask her I think

OP posts:

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