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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone used a private detective to prove there is an OW, or should I just leave alone?

67 replies

patchworklil · 11/12/2008 14:50

Am separated from my husband, we have children. He has asked to come back several times saying that he still loves me etc etc
However, I am quite certain he is having an affair of some sort.
He's called me by this woman's name in error a few times. He has a number I don't recognise on his phone records that he has called and texted hundreds of times at weird times of day and night etc It seems to point to an old work colleague of his (I've never met her).
I am pregnant you see, the baby is due any day. I don't know whether I really want to know if that makes sense, but I think it might force me to face reality and get on with things. I don't think I would have him back either in any case.
My husband says there is no truth in it by the way, but he is a terrible liar and would never admit something like this unless hard evidence was produced.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 11/12/2008 20:08

He's probably doing the dirty on her as well - just call and say 'Hello, I'm X's wife and I think I may be going in to labour - do you know where he is, please?'

That'll sort things out once and for all!

fortyplus · 11/12/2008 20:10

And as for.. ' I can have have it, but conveniently never has it to hand.' DON'T BE RIDICULOUS!!! How stupid do you have to be to think that he doesn't know his OWN ADDRESS??!!

thenewme · 11/12/2008 20:26

Have I got this right. You have a baby on the way with your live out husband and he won't tell you where he lives? If so, sounds to me he has another life on the side.

Original poster
patchworklil · 11/12/2008 20:28

Well I've done it, I've bitten the bullet and telephoned "her" and wouldn't you know there was no reply and has gone to the answer service. I've left a brief message stating that I think perhaps she knows my husband etc and asked her to call me back.
Dh has gone quiet on me so I'm an absolute nervous wreck, but I only have myself to blame....i did want to know.
Am now awaiting return call. Dear me!

fp -Oh I know (re the address) I did say he was fobbing me off he just doesn't want me to have it obviously. It is not for lack of asking, I think I gave up.

OP posts:
Amazoniancracker · 11/12/2008 20:54

Stop 'blaming' yourself patchwork. For what? For wanting to know if the dad of your baby is arseing you around? If he is seeing someone else? Mmm yes. Stand in the corner patch and write a hundred times "it is none of my business where my baby's father is or whether he is lying to me. If he is I only have myself to blame it is none of my business and I am only hurting myself in wanting to find out the truth. Silly pregnant wife. I am a doormat I am a doormat...".

Crikey, you should be blaming him for not giving you his address fgs, for being obtuse with information, for not engaging with his responsibilities to you and his unborn baby. Sounds like you are afraid of him a bit.

maybe he is living with her and thus won't give you an address - or she is living with him.

Stop being afraid. Certainly stop being afraid of the unknown..because once you know you will be much better off. Very very upset possibly, but not as gnawingly anxious as what if-ing/wondering/not knowing the truth.

I don't expect this woman will call you back. What did h's email say?

HolyGuacamole · 11/12/2008 21:14

I am glad you had the courage to call. Have you heard anything back yet?

Original poster
patchworklil · 11/12/2008 22:05

I am afraid a bit I think. I must come across so weak, but I thought (OW) was the one area dh was safe and it really hurts like I didn't think it could. He must have been having a relationship with her whilst he was continuing relations with me and I had no idea.
No I haven't heard from either of them. I had a strange email from dh saying that he loved me as the mother to his children but hinted he would do something drastic.
I think there is some sort of trouble; I don't know what (sorry sounds v. dramatic)he is still silent.
I think she may not call me back,but I hope she does. I would love to know exactly what has been going on. I haven't been horrid to her in the slightest, after all she may not know about the dcs or that I'm expecting a baby.
We shall see, although it is getting late now. lovely timing just before Christmas and the baby

OP posts:
fortyplus · 11/12/2008 22:13

patchworklil - well done to you for calling her. You're right to keep in mind that she may not know about you, your dcs or the baby. She may even turn out to be someone who you can take some comfort from - your h is clearly an unpleasant, deceitful person who is not to be trusted.
I do hope that you've got friends and family you can turn to. Good luck with everything

GivePeasAChance · 11/12/2008 22:16

Hope you are OK. This is a horrible situation for you.

Original poster
patchworklil · 11/12/2008 22:49

My god I've just heard from dh, he's denied it all!! He says I've probably called a friend of his brother and made a fool of myself. He told me his brother made those calls and text messages that weekend (when they reached ridiculous numbers). Yet, by coincidence that same number was called every day at least three weeks prior to that.
He called me from outside the flat he is living at (it's echoey)as usual.
I'm wasting my time. He's probably told her I'm crazy and to ignore me which is why she hasn't called back. He really is cruel; I'm sobbing and begging him to tell me the truth, but he won't.
My family have really helped, I wouldn't manage if I didn't have them to talk to they're worried I might make myself ill as I'm getting so stressed about this.
At this moment in time I couldn't care less about the private detective I don't want him to come near me. He doesn't care about me in the slightest. He called me by her name on the phone again just then too. He said that's because of nerves and knowing he's not supposed to.
I feel completely paranoid now, I was going to try her again tomorrow, dh will never admit the truth, I see that now.
It (ow) would explains his recent lack of interest in the dcs and the baby and why he has been so unreliable.
I'm off to get a cup of tea and try to calm down. There is nothing else to be done. Thanks for listening/following my thread, it has helped honestly. I feel so dreadful.

OP posts:
HolyGuacamole · 11/12/2008 22:56

Aw, am really sorry for you. He is a arsehole. Sorry, but he is and that's me being really nice about it. He has had a bit of time to sort out a story. He is a shit liar

Get it all out here and just remember a lot of people are thinking about your good health and sanity.

Hug, hug, hug

PartOfTheHumphreysGroup · 11/12/2008 23:02

Sorry if this is harsh but you clearly don't need a detective. He sounds like a complete rat and the best thing you can do is be strong and not have anything to do with him apart from what is necessary for the baby. Don't entertain getting back together, he really doesn't sound worth it :-(
People always know their address.

Very sorry about the horrible timing but you will be better off on your own, and best of luck with the baby

GivePeasAChance · 11/12/2008 23:03

You are owed the truth so maybe a call tomorrow to suspected OW is needed as you say. He is never going to admit it. Shame on him.
Enjoy your cuppa and all the very best for getting some sleep tonight.

elastamum · 11/12/2008 23:06

Hang in there girl it sounds like it is time for you to get angry. I have doen the same, rang OW got all sorts of excuses from my H and found out the truth about his affair months later. He has gone now but at least I dont have the stress and worry of feeling sick that something is going on but I dont know what. Your H sounds like a first class liar. Hope you are Ok Glad you have your family to support you

TheCrackFox · 11/12/2008 23:08

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}

He is a shit liar and also a bastard.

It is good that you have the support of your family. Just concentrate on you, your Dcs and your baby. How any man could treat the mother of his DCs whilst carrying his baby is beyond me.

Keep strong you can get through this and be happier at the end.

AbricotsSecs · 11/12/2008 23:35

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Message withdrawn

WhirlingStirling · 11/12/2008 23:39

When you call her again, do so from a different number. She will now know your number and not answer (that is what my h's ow did!!).

I do hope you get some strength from the support on here. I know I did.

Take care of yourself

Original poster
patchworklil · 12/12/2008 01:18

Thank you for the support, dh has treated me abominably I agree and also about not needing a pd now. I feel a little calmer now, but very sad.
I'll try the ow tomorrow if she still hasn't contacted me and try to conceal my number.

OP posts:
Original poster
patchworklil · 12/12/2008 10:17

He has admitted he is "dating" her
She has not returned my calls, I think he has told her that I am some kind of liar and to ignore me. I'm rather disappointed she has not.
It would appear she does in fact know about us and the baby.
I mentioned that dh and I were still having "relations" until I first began to suspect that he was involved with somebody a couple of weeks ago. Well, I've just mentioned this to him and said this is why I feel so betrayed and he asked me what I was talking about he also says he doesn't remember the call he made last weekend where he gave me "proof" that he wasn't seeing anybody. I think somebody may have been listening to his call and it was for their benefit. I truly feel I am going mad.
He said he only wants to talk about the dc and if I mention the OW again he'll just "go formal" about visits and hang up(I've tried to make him see the dcs as he is just not interested and because he has a history of anger/alcohol problems I was recently advised that he would likely get only supervised contact rights).
I think he may now be living with her.
What a terrible end to the story, I wanted the truth and now I have it. I dislike him so much so why do I feel so hurt and betrayed?

OP posts:
morningpaper · 12/12/2008 10:28

Aw patchwork

Can you see someone today, family or something? Someone to talk to and give you a cuddle and make you tea? Be kind to yourself. You are a great mummy and you are doing so well under horrible circumstances. xxx

superdenki · 12/12/2008 10:44

I have no advice but wanted to send a he is a very weak man and a coward. hope things only get better for you from now on

TheCrackFox · 12/12/2008 10:50

Patchwork, at least you know and you have saved a tone of cash not having to hire a PD.

Have you got any friends or family you could stay with? You need a large helping of TLC.

FWIW him and the other woman deserve each other. How he could treat his wife like this is unbelievable and I really don't understand women that quite happily shag men when their wives are expecting. They are both scum IMO.

I know you are feeling raw but please make an appointment with CAB. You have to protect your DCs financial interest now.

Stay strong.

HolyGuacamole · 12/12/2008 11:00

Am glad he has finally admitted that at least 'something' is going on. He is a liar and does not deserve you. Spineless git.

What a cheek he has threatening you about mentioning the OW....he is a disgrace and so is she, especially given that you are due your baby.

Now that you know, you can begin to face the reality of how much of an asshole he actually is. Try and rise above it and get him out of your life as quickly as possible - you just don't need this kind of stress.

New baby, new start, new future for you and your children. You will get thru this and you will be fine. He may have done you the biggest favour of your life.

AbricotsSecs · 12/12/2008 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thenewme · 12/12/2008 12:43

You feel hurt and betrayed as he has hurt and betrayed you. He has broken promises to you, lied to you and treated you appallingly.

You need to take stock and decide how you are going to go on from here. Tell yourself to disbelieve everything he tells you and get the legalities and finacne things sorted as soon as you can.

I am so sorry that another man has behaved like a shit.