Has anyone used a private detective to prove there is an OW, or should I just leave alone?

[patchworklil]

Am separated from my husband, we have children. He has asked to come back several times saying that he still loves me etc etc
However, I am quite certain he is having an affair of some sort.
He's called me by this woman's name in error a few times. He has a number I don't recognise on his phone records that he has called and texted hundreds of times at weird times of day and night etc It seems to point to an old work colleague of his (I've never met her).
I am pregnant you see, the baby is due any day. I don't know whether I really want to know if that makes sense, but I think it might force me to face reality and get on with things. I don't think I would have him back either in any case.
My husband says there is no truth in it by the way, but he is a terrible liar and would never admit something like this unless hard evidence was produced.

You don't need concrete evidence. Even if you wanted to divorce on the grounds of adultery, you don't need an eyewitness or anything like that. You can take the view that he is cheating and act accordingly. It might be better than trying to drag the truth out of him. Remember - it's in his interests to lie.

I hope you find some peace.

so sorry sweetie

I went through this too....I just KNEW XP had an OW, but he constantly denied it & told everybody (including her) that I was psychotic & unstable in order to cover his back.

Like you, I tried to resort to a PD but couldn't afford it (the lowest quote I had was £1,500 so yes you would've been looking at a lot of money)..but DID use keypad tracking & reading texts/emails to get solid proof. It's now 5 months on, I'm due our baby any day and still can't deal with why he left me for her

The very worst of it is that, although he DID initially admit to the affair etc, from time to time now he still denies it & makes out that I'm crazy, even though she publicly says she's in a relationship with him!!

And WHY do these OW get involved with guys they know are expecting babies??? Makes me so incredibly angry

I hope so much that you're OK....try & pool everything into your children & friends, realise what an IMBECILE he is (espec to have kept sleeping with both of you!! What a jerk!!!) ...& you can feel a little smug, darlin, knowing that you can bet your bottom dollar, before too many months/years have passed, he'll screw his OW over too.

Huge hugs, & try to have a good Christmas...you're free now if you let yourself be, just think of it that the nightmare's over & one day you'll find someone who isn't such a scumbag xxx

Bless you.

Could you send her a text? Start it with an ever so slightly sarcastic 'Sorry to bother you but I am about to give birth...'

Don't know if this helps but I tracked down the address of where EXH and his OW were living through www.192.com Luckily I didin't have to pay but you can pay to get extra info. Was dead easy. I got address, drove past and there he was. Stopped those lies at least. You take car of yourself.

I've been too upset to post, haven't stopped crying since...and I said I wouldn't have him back and I meant it. Yet it hurts so much.
Dh doesn't give a damn. Said sorry initially but has refused to discuss my feelings since. He says it is now over with the OW and she finished it after I contacted her because of all the trouble?? Yet I don't believe him. He says nothing happened, but I don't believe that either. Why do I feel so devastated? He won't even discuss the baby, he is no longer interested.
Yes the OW didn't reply to me.
Dh is staying away now, he wanted to come for Christmas day but I didn't think I could bear it.
Nothing to be salvaged now or ever, I just need to accept it and carry on

How sad. How very sad. Feeling blue on your behalf.

Oh, you poor thing.

FWIW I think the OW might have had no idea about the baby and she is horrified by it all and dumped your DH.

He has treated you so badly (and your DCs and bump) and you need some space from him.

Keep posting as there are a lot of wise MNers who know what they are talking about.

When you have the strength please visit CAB so you know your rights.

So sorry to hear about this. I hope you and your dc and the baby are okay and you'll have a good birth. Will you have family with you?

Do you know which city your H lives in? Have you tried www.192.com/ you can search for free first and if it throws something up you can buy credits for a tenner and check out more (council tax records, other people living at address = electoral role), etc.

I read between the lines that you have already come to a conclusion. You are stronger than you think you are, sweetheart. Go it alone, the guy is clearly a liar and no doubt shacked up with his bit on the side. Move on and leave him behind. He doesn't sound good enough for you and your dc.

Thank you all, I'm feeling quite sorry for myself at the moment. Keep bursting into tears at inappropriate times, being/feeling nauseous etc
He finally gave me an address because I insisted before he came for the final time at the weekend, it didn't match up with the postcode or area so he gave it again. Have no way of finding out if he's actually there us without going (it is a flat block). I did check the electoral role but that would put them as living apart.
I think the relationship being a few weeks thing is true, but my feeling is that he got closer to her in the last couple before I found out as this is when I detected his manner toward me changed.
He said she finished it, but has refused to come near me if I ask him more questions about her/"us"/etc. He will only now discuss the dc (but not the baby/my pregnancy). It is almost like (paranoid?) he has promised somebody he will not have any more contact with me that has nothing to do with the children.
I don't know, I thought knowing would help me move on, but I still don't have all the answers and doubt he will give them to me now. I now appear to be going through some grieving process for all the lost years, tainted memories and the person I thought he was.
He has now completely abandoned us, he as I said, isn't interested in the baby and I will not have him at the birth (he hasn't asked if he can be) people have offered to be my birth partner, but I although I appreciate it I don't want them as it's just not the same.
I keep wanting to email the OW and tell her what a spineless, vile excuse for a human being she also is, but this will probably make things worse (if that is possible) with him.
I think he is going to apply formally for access to the children now, I haven't heard from him. There will be no point in letting him know the baby is here either as he really, really doesn't give a damn.
I don't feel I can cope with any more.

OMG - you poor thing this is dreadful. It would be awful going through this at any time, but with a birth imminent, it must be so so hard. Hang on in there. Are your family close by?

He may well apply for access but he doenst seem interested in the new baby so not sure how that will look in the courts.

I really dont know what to say to help you, except that try to keep posting, and there will be loads of support on here i'm sure.

You will have a shiny new munchkin to cuddle very shortly which is a real positive to think about.

They are not close by I feel so alone. I don't know how he could throw us all over for someone he can only known a few weeks, but it would seem he has.

I don't know how to stop hurting and crying or why it's taking such a toll. I'm trying to be positive but keep geting dreadful feelings of despair.
I'm not strong enough to deal with all this alone and I don't want to. I can't take any more.

Sika, I have reported your shameless bumping of a zombie thread in order to advertise your services. Very, very bad form.