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Relationships

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Original poster

do you have any secret money?

56 replies

greensuedeshoes · 10/12/2008 12:03

DH and I share all our money - we have no savings and some, but not much, debt (other than mortgage). I am happy sharing all our money but my mum has always said women should have a stash of their own in case things go wrong and you need to escape (she herself had to get out of bad relationship once and had no money of her own).

I have £3000 in national savings that are in my name only and dh doesn't know about - I pay £100 in each month from the money we give each other (all our money goes into one pot and we both take an allowance, the same each, from it for personal stuff and the rest is shared).

So the money is mine and from my allowance and therefore not depriving him of anything. I just want it to sit there and be there just in case for the future. But is it wrong to have a secret stash of money and of course over the years it will grow - will be quite a significant amount in another ten years for example.

We often wish we had more cash but if I added this money to the general pot it would just get frittered away on everyday stuff.

Any thoughts welcome - am just sorting out all my personal admin and started to wonder about this.

OP posts:

themoon66 · 10/12/2008 12:09

Well I did have a stash that was a sort of open secret. DH knew about it but not how much it was.

It came to light when the tax people did an assessment on him and kept returning the forms saying he hadn't declared something - ie: interest from your wife's savings account.

RubyrubytheRubynosedReindeer · 10/12/2008 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nickytinseltimes · 10/12/2008 12:12

Hmm.
I wouldn't keep money secret from dh, other than the odd fiver here and there.
I'd be pretty pissed off if he did it too.

I understand your worries about it getting frittered away, but why not just keep it in a seperate high interst account? Or open an ISA each?

Marne · 10/12/2008 12:17

When my Gran died and Grandad sorted out her things he found money hidden in handbags (£100's) and in draws etc.., she always made out she was skint but was stashing money all over the house

I don't have a secret stash but dh probably has.

Idrankthechristmasspirits · 10/12/2008 12:17

I have my own savings that i don't talk about. DP is aware that i keep a savings account but has no clue how much i put in there each month and what the balance is.

As i see it, we are not married, he refuses to write a will, he is awful with money and we have had a very rocky year. I am merely being sensible.
If he knew what i had in my account he would expect it to be spent on a holiday or similar.

LilRedWG · 10/12/2008 12:20

Fair enough have a savings account, but why keep it secret and why have it purely for the purpose of leaving you H?.

DH and I were talking about this recently and he said that he would be devaestated if I felt I needed to have an escape plan from him.

It's on the same level as pre-nups in my mind.

LilRedWG · 10/12/2008 12:25

Hit Post too soon:

It's on the same level as pre-nups in my mind... why get married and take vows to be together forever if you are already planning your getout.

I do appreciate that sometime people need to get out andthat's a totally different matter, but to say, "just in case" is a bit icky to me.

whyme2 · 10/12/2008 12:27

My dh is crap at handling money so I have an account with an emergency fund, ie car repairs etc. He knows its there but doesn't know how much otherwise he'd be planning to spend it.
Seriouslt i don't think it's a bad idea if you feel you need the security.

CountessDracula · 10/12/2008 12:32

Yes
I have all my money and dh has his
It has always been that way. We are both self-sufficient and we split the bills/mortgage etc.

I don't have anything secret though
I don't need to

NowICanSpellGeansaiNollaig · 10/12/2008 12:33

It depends, if the woman is going to be financially up shit's creak when they split and the manis too unfair to rectify that situation then she's entitled to protect herself, or to try to.

If both names are on the joint mortgage, joint account, joint savings, it's not so necessary I suppose.

HolyGuacamole · 10/12/2008 12:35

I have a little secret stash....but it's solely to buy nice pressies for my DH on his birthdays and xmas

Original poster

greensuedeshoes · 10/12/2008 12:36

I'm not planning to leave by the way - I love him, we have a happy relationship etc. I hope it's for ever. But if it wasn't, if something went wrong, which I dearly hope it doesn't, it would be a lifeline. Also though he is bad with money and spends every penny he's got, so if one of us lost our job or something it would mean we could cope for a couple of months while sorting stuff out. Maybe I should tell him I have it but insist on keeping it separate and untouched.

OP posts:

LilRedWG · 10/12/2008 12:37

HolyGuacamole - that's a lovely kind of stash to have (and let's face it, it's not all that secret 'cause he gets the pressies from it )

LilRedWG · 10/12/2008 12:38

Sounds like a plan Greensuedeshoes. Keeping secrets in a relationship is not good imo.

thatwasfun · 10/12/2008 12:44

DH is rubbish with money, so I do all the finances. No secrets as such, in that I haven't not told him deliberately, but I guarantee he has no idea what we have in savings , or where it is. I do worry, that if some disaster came on me, he'd be completely lost TBH, but he'd manage with his credit card for a while Actually, he's 2nd cardholder on my card... so that wouldn't work either, I must sort that out.

If I was so inclined, it would be very easy for me to completely clear him out, but I really can't imagine wanting to do that. Very trusting (stupid?) of him to let that position run though.

potplant · 10/12/2008 12:44

Sort of - I have savings in ISAs and high interest accounts which DH vaguely knows about. Its earmarked for different things (ie I save tax credits for Christmas, I save work expenses for holidays etc).

So long as the money comes out of the cash machine when he puts his card in he's not that bothered.

I kind of see where you are coming from, my DH is terrible with money and if I didn't squirrel it away then he would waste it (IMO) but having a stash just in case you want to leave him is a bit sad IMO though.

What will happen when he does find out?

Northumberlandlass · 10/12/2008 12:45

My parents went through this a few years ago. My DF had his own bank account and my DM had a joint bank account. No money of her own, even though she was a full time teacher. During her menopause she got very depressed and insecure - part of her solution was to start her own savings account 'for a rainy day' not a secret account you understand, but just for her. Dad didn't know how much was in it, but he knew it existed. Years passed and my sister and I moved out of home, she approached us and asked if she could buy us something for our homes. It turns out she has squirrelled away over £25,0000 !!!!!!!!! GO MUM !

I do have a savings account, it is only in my name, DH knows about it there is about £1000 in it. It usually goes towards holidays.
xx

claireybaubles · 10/12/2008 13:05

I have a mini ISA from pre DH but I haven't added to it since we've been together. He knows about it but not how much is in it (not sure I do exactly) and TBH I forget about it most of the time . Next time I moan about being skint someone please remind me that actually I do have a few £ stashed away!

DH is also shit with money so I told him the council tax was slightly more than it really is (this is paid from my account but he has recently started giving me half)and I pay the difference into a savings account which is to be used for any big unexpected bills, towards christmas, that kind of thing. He also doesn't know that council tax is only paid 10 months of the year so I'll put the 2 months worth that he gives me into that account too. It's not exactly a secret from DH but if I didn't save for us then we wouldn't have any savings or any way of paying for various things (for example we have just found out that if we want to renew the lease on our current house then we have to pay a renewal fee so that will be coming out of the emergency account)

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 10/12/2008 13:11

I never did from XH. with DP thou (althou we don't live together) I do, and have told him that if in the future he moves in then I will not have 'one pot' again it will be mine and his, i'll never be so vulnerable again in my life, so will always have some savings for back ups.

Chandon · 10/12/2008 13:16

Good plan.

I have UKP20,000 in a bank account in my own country. I have not transferred the money to the UK when I married here, as we never had the need for it (we pay the mortgage out of DHs salary. I paid part of the deposit from my savings account).

It is my "running away money". I am a SAHM and I cannot imagine ever needing it really, but knowing I could run off and be able to house and feed the children keeps me sane when things are tough.

Also, DH has a very expensive hobby (motorbikes) and all spare money goes on that, if there is any.

TinselianAstra · 10/12/2008 13:20

It's makes sense if one of you is a saver and one is a spender, luckily DP and I have similar ideas about money (I think).

But I would never want to think of 'having my own stash so I could run off' or similar. It sounds logically sensible and everything but it's just so depressing.

elliott · 10/12/2008 13:25

I think having secret (as opposed to seperate) money is not a great idea, and to me would suggest that all is not well in a relationship. I see no problem in individuals having separate savings accounts (or even seperate accounts if one party can't be trusted not to spend everything) but if there is a need for concealment that would worry me.
ISAs can't be in joint names anyway.
I think the idea of women in particular needing a secret getaway stash is only relevant to relationships where women have no economic independence and their partners control their access to money (which sadly and unbelievably still exist, as many mn threads reveal). If you have a joint account then there is nothing stopping you clearing it out yourself to make your getaway (assuming it has money in it of course...) And if you have your own income you can easily put it into an account of your own, if you need to.

Hassled · 10/12/2008 13:25

I don't have a secret stash as such, but we've always had our own bank accounts, and DH has no idea how much is in mine. We're self-employed, and have a joint business account but I do the salaries/dividends etc and DH really has no clue how big or small the pot is.

I do have a secret emergency credit card though - with a whopping credit limit of £400, so that would be my running away money

FCH · 10/12/2008 13:26

If the question is "should I be keeping money so I can leave my husband" that is a bit of a shame, however I have always been used to earning and spending my own money and so when we did our "financial merger" on moving in together we arranged to have joint and separate accounts so that I could use my own money for those things I felt were important for me. One of these things is having my own savings and DH knows I have these - he knows how much is in the accounts - and he knows we aren't going to be spending it unless I say so. That said, if we didn't have joint savings too I probably wouldn't tell him how much I had.

It is quite sensible to have a rainy day fund. I believe in the event of DH dying unexpectedly joint assets etc are frozen and you have to get court permission to continue to use them - handy to have some other way to buy food in the interim!

elliott · 10/12/2008 13:29

I manage our finances and I put savings into each of our (seperate) names. But I doubt whether dh (bless him) even knows where the account details are! (I can assure you I do tell him what he's signing for...)
I'd hate to be in a relationship where I felt financially dependent.

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