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Relationships

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Original poster

do you have any secret money?

56 replies

greensuedeshoes · 10/12/2008 12:03

DH and I share all our money - we have no savings and some, but not much, debt (other than mortgage). I am happy sharing all our money but my mum has always said women should have a stash of their own in case things go wrong and you need to escape (she herself had to get out of bad relationship once and had no money of her own).

I have £3000 in national savings that are in my name only and dh doesn't know about - I pay £100 in each month from the money we give each other (all our money goes into one pot and we both take an allowance, the same each, from it for personal stuff and the rest is shared).

So the money is mine and from my allowance and therefore not depriving him of anything. I just want it to sit there and be there just in case for the future. But is it wrong to have a secret stash of money and of course over the years it will grow - will be quite a significant amount in another ten years for example.

We often wish we had more cash but if I added this money to the general pot it would just get frittered away on everyday stuff.

Any thoughts welcome - am just sorting out all my personal admin and started to wonder about this.

OP posts:

bogwitch · 10/12/2008 13:29

I think it is healthy to have separate funds from your H. I have many savings schemes (not great values though). H knows about them but not the values and it is not his business. Like his savings are not my business.

I am an individual. I would feel very 'joined that the hip' if it were otherwise.

I love having my own money. I am independant and not reliant on anyone. I don't find it depressing to have my own stash. Just sensible.

potplant · 10/12/2008 13:30

Hassled - you wont run far with £400!!

FCH - even more depressing to have money stashed in case DH pops his clogs! Never even thought about that.

elliott · 10/12/2008 13:32

FCH I can't believe that when one party to a joint account dies, the other party can't access the money? I don't remember it being an issue when my mum died.

SatsumaMoon · 10/12/2008 13:34

I have money in accounts that are just in my name but it's not a secret. It's money I earned and saved when I was working. Dh tended to spend all of his earnings! It's there for a rainy day or if I wanted to do something like take a holiday on my own with friends or do a course or something...

I don't see anything wrong with the OP having a saving account of her own if her dh spends an equal amount of money on himself. Whether or not it is ok for it to be a secret probably depends on whether the OP and her dh have the same attitude to money - eg if the dh is a spendthrift and would expect the OP to bail him out from her savings it might be wise to keep quiet about it!

Obviously if the family needed it desperately for an emergency you would have to come clean!

bellabelly · 10/12/2008 13:36

I do the same as you - £100 a month goes into my savings account - my money not his, not joint acct. I look at it as a "rainy day fund" for if/when I ever need it. And when we did once split up, (temporarily, all is fine now) it was VERY useful not to have to worry about practical details like where to find a month's rent and deposit in advance.

My DH has his own savings too - don't know what he intends to spend them on and really, it's none of my business. I think it's healthy to have a sense of financial independence.

Lcy · 10/12/2008 13:37

My dad and mum were married for 30 years and he appeared to be a great husband and family man. He sadly died suddenly of a heart attack in his late 50's. When we went through his papers we found that he had in fact been having an affair for a number of years and was in the process of re-writing his will. If he had completed this before he died then my mother who was a SAHM would of been left penniless. However much I love and trust my DH I will always make sure we manage our accounts jointly and that I have my own savings.

stressedsanta · 10/12/2008 13:42

havent got a penny to my name

ISawMumiKissingSantaClaus · 10/12/2008 13:44

Well, there's insurance for everything else apart from a relationship going belly up, so although I don't have any secret money, I don't think there's anything wring with it.

Tee2072 · 10/12/2008 13:46

The only secret I keep from my husband is what he is getting for Christmas. I would never have a secret stash of money.

TheVirginGoober · 10/12/2008 13:48

No. I think it is dishonest and a good marriage has no secrets.
I do however have my own money, but that is no secret.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 10/12/2008 13:48

We have a joint account, and then each have our own accounts. It's no secret, though!

Iklboo · 10/12/2008 13:49

We don't even have any non-secret money

MrsMattie · 10/12/2008 13:52

No 'secret' money. We have a joint savings account, a joint current account, various savings and bonds for the kids in both our names, and then our own current accounts, which are our own business. I don't enquire into what DH has in his and he doesn't know what's in mine (not much at the moment!), but it isn't a 'secret'.

nuttygirl · 10/12/2008 13:52

We have a joint current account that we use for bills/food etc and a joint savings account that we put money into each month to cover yearly bills/car services, etc.

Then he has his own account. I have my own accounts and various savings account (most of which I had before meeting dh). He knows about all of them though. Can't understand why I'd keep it secret .

bamboostalks · 10/12/2008 14:36

I have quite a lot of money squirrelled away in secret. That is the sort of person I am, I do not trust anyone easily, not even dh 100% although he has never given me any cause to doubt him and we have never been remotely close to spiltting up. It is there for dd and I in an emergency or for dh even. It makes me feel secure knowing it is there although I know that is a false sense of security. I often wonder what would happen if I died unexpectedly and dh found all this secret money. he would be furious, I guess.

NowICanSpellGeansaiNollaig · 10/12/2008 15:08

I think it's just clever. NObody ever knows for certain what's 'round the corner.

GrinAndTonic · 10/12/2008 15:30

One of the first things my mother told me when I left home was 'always have a running away account'. It doesnt matter how much you love your DH or DP things can turn to crap quickly and at least you can get out of the hosue, find somewhere to live and put food on the table. I know its all meant to be love and kisses but relationships are always like that.

Flibbertyjibbet · 10/12/2008 15:37

We both have our own current accounts and each has savings in isas and savings accounts. Nothing is secret though.
Its all joint money, just in different accounts and it works for us because we have the same attitude to money.

If however anything happened, we would each have roughly the same amount each in our own names.

You have to ask yourself how would you feel if you found out your dp/dh had a secret stash of cash ready for the day he leaves you??

snigger · 10/12/2008 15:49

We have an 'emergency only' stash each, but we both know about it because they're paid into from our joint accounts.

(One of those - what if I'm hit by a bus and my uncle contests the will and you've nothing to live on kind of funds - I am a bit of a worrier)

I only keep 'secret' money for special presents, or as an occasional surprise for the whole family. I think you're undermining your own trust in your relationship otherwise.

Yes, everyone needs a degree of financial independence, but witholding information for the wrong reason could be poisonous, imo.

elastamum · 10/12/2008 17:26

I have a number of investments from my single days, not secret but H never showed any interest. Also when I found out about his affair I immediately moved half of all our money into an account in my name just in case he decided to clear out our bank accounts. It gave me a lot of security knowing I could house and feed us for quite some time whatever he did. You never know... I never thought it could happen to me

worley · 10/12/2008 17:41

im due a big backpay from work soon, i told dp and wish i hadnt as he keeps coming up with ways to spend it, like some lpg converter thing for the car, (on an R reg that im planning to change asap), or spend it on surround sound crap. where as i want to pay off out credit card and have a woodburner installed to heat the house.

so i kind wish it was secret money, we have sep accounts and pay even amount in to the bills account, the rest is our own.

ByThePowerOfBaileys · 10/12/2008 17:43

I don't have secret money but I do have savings accounts in my name that DH has no access to. He doesn't know how much is or isnt in there and he doesn't ask.

I don't want things to be secret, I do want some money that I could rely on initially if the poo hit the fan.

NomDePlume · 10/12/2008 17:44

I think DH would be horrified if he knew I had an 'escape fund'.

I don't btw.

bronze · 10/12/2008 17:46

I don't have any though child benefit is paid into my account. He doesnt have an account in his sole name. I dont think I could save like that behind his back, it feels a bit like a pre nup destined for failure. But then maybe I can think like that as Iknow I would have enough support from family and friends if I ever need to get by til I could get on my feet again.

Pruners · 10/12/2008 18:07

Message withdrawn

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