He wants me to change. Feeling very low and need some help.

[Wishicouldchange]

Hi,
I am a regular mner but feel it best to name change.
I really need help. I just don't know what to do.
I have been with DH for 18 years and married for 10. We have 3 dc's (7,6 & 2)I am a SAHM.
Recently more than ever Dh has been having a go at me for various reasons.
I don't keep the house clean, I don't iron, I don't feed the children properly, I don't look after myself, I need to lose weight. I could go on.
One minute he loves me and feels he is terrible to me then the next day it's back to wanting me to change.
I feel I do my best with 3 young children, one of whom has hearing and speech difficultlies but this is all getting me down.
I lack in confidence and I do try to make the best of myself and be the perfect wife and mum but I just don't know what to do next.
I am so unhappy that I know I am beginning to take it out on the children.
We went out Saturday night and I made an effort to look nice and to talk to people. We came away happy I thought but someone said I was quiet and he has gone mad saying I am an embarressment and he his always making excuses for me.
To make matters worse my dad is ill with cancer and needs a heart op before Christmas. He lives close by and as my mum is also ill I try to help out with them as much as possible.
I don't know what to do.
He says he loves me and is always wanting sex.He says I don't understand how much he fancies me.
If this is true why is he so horrible to me?
Do I deserve it really?
I don't want the children to be mixed up in this but I don't know what to do.

Hi WishI, I don't think you have to change, it's him. You have an awful lot on your plate, does he not realise this?
Has he always battered your self esteem like this?
You need to talk to him, tell him how he makes you feel when he is so callous and explain why you are so upset.
I hope that your Dad is OK.

Frankly, he sounds like a bully. I was listening and trying to see his side until you said your dad was ill with cancer and then I saw him for what he is. He's a bully who doesn't seem to think his words hurt you, so he's using you as a verbal punchbag.

If he fancies you so much then he shouldn't be saying mean things to you. With three kids and an ill parent, you are doing the best you can, and I'm sure you're a good mum.

Does he do any housework, look after the kids etc, or is it all on you so he can pick pick pick at you when it isn't done to his unrealistic expectations?

I feel for you, and I hope you've got some good real life support. Don't believe everything he says!

Just wanted to say I really feel for for you

Its hard work running a house and looking after 3 young children and your DH is being unreasonable to criticise you the way he's doing - can you explain to him that doing this to you is totally unhelpful and maybe he could take on some of the responsibilities of running the house and looking after the DC's....?

As for him calling you an embarrassment when you went out - that is totally out of order, he needs to take a look a himself and how nasty he is being - can you get a quiet time and talk to him and tell him exactly how he makes you feel...? Maybe counciling may help?
HTH... - really feel for you.

Firstly, I'd go and see your GP. If it's anything like our practice, you'll have a few good ones and a few that you ever wouldn't to confide in. Make that appointment - God knows you need some help.

You sound so much like me except my children are older, but it doesn't go away. GP put me on antidepressants and referred me to a councellor to deal with dd's/H. At first I felt to embarrassed to ask for help, but I'm glad I did. All love.

I think that you are depressed because you cannot keep on top of things, and rather than your DH lending you a hand to get on top of things he is criticising you.

Tell him that you would love to keep the house clean, iron, make nutritious meals, be slim and well-groomed and do everything to make family life run smoothly, but that you do not have the resources (time, energy, money) to do so and that you need a hand, either from him or from someone he pays to help you.

He criticises how you look - then says he fancies you? WTF
You have 3 dc, your parents are ill yet he still has a go at you for not doing enough housework.
He's being a complete arse and you should stand up to him now before he knocks your self esteem any more.
People who do this are usually insecure themselves and by knocking someone else's confidence it makes them feel better. (My ex was excellent at doing this
I'd advise him to either get some counselling himself or to go to relate with you (that's presuming you want to stay with him - I don't think I would if I were you!)
Good luck

You don't deserev him being horrible to you.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and could do with your DH's support, not his critisism .

Thanks Lizzy,
It's gone on for years and I promise to change to keep the peace.
I am an only child and have always been quite a shy person with not many friends.
I certainly do not have a good friend I could confide in.
We had a big bust up a few weeks ago because he had been telling me the house was a tip and I should not let the children walk around with biscuits etc. My eldest dropped a salad bowl on the floor when he was putting it in the bin and he went through the roof. My ds was so upset.
While trying to calm things down he called me stupid and I screamed at him.
I thought this had shocked him and that night I told him how he had knocked the stuffing out of me. I thought he understood. Nothing changed.
I am taking dad to hospital this afternoon to talk through the op with the consultant. I am scared for him.

HE needs to change. He needs to be more supportive, to accept you as you are (and I'm sure you are lovely) and to make an effort to understand and take on board what YOUR busy life entails.

I have a son with a severe speech delay and my elder child has problems with concentration. I know there's no way my x could do what I do!

My x used to criticise the house and the meals constantly.

I know you'll probably want to hang on to your marriage and try and make it work, but just file this thought away in the back of your head for a rainy day "being single is not that bad!!! it can be freedom, it can be peace of mind and it can give you back your zest for life". If you can't change him, and make him appreciate you and examine hiw OWN unsupportive behaviour I sympathise, but don't plod on forever like this. If you can't change him, don't put up with it, please.

I agree with Anna.

I also sounds as if HE could be a bit depressed, or something. Totally unreasonable of him to shout over the spilt salad.

Is Relate something the two of you would consider?

Don't say anything to 'keep the peace'. Tell him what the pressures are for you and that he is not helping. or sit down and say the two of you need to talk together about how you can each help each other, what you both want.

This must all be terrible when you are so upset about your Dad.

Thank you everyone.

Everyone seems to want a piece of me and I don't have enough to give.

I clean, shop, wash, iron, cook, do all the childcare but it still doesn't seem enough.I also care for my parents.

The house is not a show home. Whose is with 3 kids but I try my very best.

He works long hours and often comes home shattered.He never helps around the house and I don't ask him to.

ps, shouting at your because of a salad bowl sounds like something my x would have done.

he was unhappy too, for his own reasons, not my fault though. But he used to difuse his stress my shouting at me and blaming me for everything. And then he would sit down with a beer and feel a bit calmer and more content!! The cheeky arse. HIS coping strategy was being a bully to ME!!!

It is very hard to reason with a person like this. The only way for you to cope is to NOT TRY ANYMORE. Watch him lose his rag over a salad bowl. don't try and reason with him. Let him have his tantrum.

To admit I need help around the home makes me feel ashamed. We cannot afford it anyway.

I am scared this is affecting the children who I love so very much.

Oh Wish, so sorry about your parents, particularly your Dad.
I agree that your (not so D)H sounds like a bully. You are obviously running yourself ragged, looking after everyone else, you need some support and TLC not critisism.
Good Luck this afternoon and(((((((hugs)))))))

Don't be ashamed that you need help around the house. You have an awful lot of caring responsibilities, from the sounds of it: three small children, one of whom has SN, your parents and your DH. Crikey. That is far too much for one adult on her own. I wouldn't be able to manage that amount and have the house (and me) looking all spick and span.

I had five perfectly able-bodied children in the house over the weekend and on Monday I had to seriously grit my teeth in order to get on top of the chaos.

If you can't afford regular help around the house, could you afford a "one-off" blitz from a cleaning company? It is so much easier to keep on top of a clean, tidy house. Could you suggest to DH that you buy yourselve that as a Christmas present?

Wishicouldchange - get yourself to the docs get some anti d's this may help you with your confidence and also give you back a bit more energy - its not admitting defeat its a way of helping you get some strength. you are obviously depressed and need some help with that first. As for your abusive DH I have one of those too and am not very good at standing up to him so wont offer you any other advice other than get yourself some strenght first and then try to move on from there. I have only been taking mine now for about a month and feel 100% better than I did. Finding I am keeping on top of things way more than I was - good luck And agree with all the areshole comments on your DH mine blames me for everthing that is wrong with the world !!!

or frighten your husband, tell him you are going back to work, so from now on, the housework and childcare will be 50% his responsibility. then you can nag him about the filth and the awful dinners!

Thanks Lulu
I am sorry you are going through the same thing. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I don't know if I can find the strength to admit to a doctor how I feel. Where do I start?
I don't want our marriage to end but I cannot go on either.

Please tell somebody. You sound entirely justifiably overwhelmed with caring responsibilities - you need someone to provide a prop for you.

If you have a child with SN and have elderly parents to care for, do SS in your area provide any respite domestic help?

My dd2 is 2 and was born with a cleft lip and palette. She has been through a lot including 3 ops. She has servere hearing problems and very bad speech. I am teaching us to sign in order to help us comunicate.Hopefully this will help with tantrums.
She is wonderful but takes up a lot of time and energy.
I suppose this doesn't help along with the parents but it's what I am used to.

Do you get any kind of help with your DD2? Or is she with you and in your care 100% of the time?

100% me. She is like a little cling on

That in itself is really, really hard work .

I think you are being too hard on yourself and expecting too much of yourself.

When I feel overwhelmed, I have learnt to say to my DP "I cannot do X,Y,Z that I would very much like to do because my priority is (or has to be) A, B and C. If you can see a way to help me achieve A, B, C, X, Y and Z I welcome your help and suggestions."