He wants me to change. Feeling very low and need some help.

[Wishicouldchange]

Hi,
I am a regular mner but feel it best to name change.
I really need help. I just don't know what to do.
I have been with DH for 18 years and married for 10. We have 3 dc's (7,6 & 2)I am a SAHM.
Recently more than ever Dh has been having a go at me for various reasons.
I don't keep the house clean, I don't iron, I don't feed the children properly, I don't look after myself, I need to lose weight. I could go on.
One minute he loves me and feels he is terrible to me then the next day it's back to wanting me to change.
I feel I do my best with 3 young children, one of whom has hearing and speech difficultlies but this is all getting me down.
I lack in confidence and I do try to make the best of myself and be the perfect wife and mum but I just don't know what to do next.
I am so unhappy that I know I am beginning to take it out on the children.
We went out Saturday night and I made an effort to look nice and to talk to people. We came away happy I thought but someone said I was quiet and he has gone mad saying I am an embarressment and he his always making excuses for me.
To make matters worse my dad is ill with cancer and needs a heart op before Christmas. He lives close by and as my mum is also ill I try to help out with them as much as possible.
I don't know what to do.
He says he loves me and is always wanting sex.He says I don't understand how much he fancies me.
If this is true why is he so horrible to me?
Do I deserve it really?
I don't want the children to be mixed up in this but I don't know what to do.

I am going to pick my dad up now to take to the hospital for his appointment.

I will be back later.

Thank you all for all you advise. I wish I could say I feel better but it's nice to know I have some virtual friends.

Dreading when he comes home tonight or should I say if.

I normally end up taking yet more and trying to make it better with yet more apologies

He came home earlier and gave me the silent treatment but asked the children all sorts of questions about what I had been up to with them.
I tried to say sorry yet again and make it right just like I always do. He calmly told me he had had enough of me and I had put him through 18 years of hell. Then he told the children he would be busy at work and may not be around much .
When I took them up for a bath I came down to talk to him and he told me he was leaving me. He had sorted everything and I would hear what was what in a letter.
I begged him, told him I would go and get help but it fell on deaf ears.
I don't know when I will see him again.
What do I do? What about the children? How can I tell them there dad has gone and it's all my fault.

It isn't your fault and stop thinking that - he has orchastrated this and it is a mean trick on his part.

When you need support when your family are ill, he does this. Please dont ever ever think it is you. He is not being fair and has seriuos issues.

Stay strong and tell your three dc that athough daddy isn't around that doesn't mean you are not a good little family and you will all stick together.

God, he sound slike a selfish shit

No advice, but I hope some more helpful MN-ers will come along with some bright ideas for you. Wishing you luck.

I just don't know what to do.
Luckily the children are in bed but not asleep.
I am trying not to cry but I hurt so much.
I want to hug and squeeze them but I cannot let them see me like this.

Poor, poor you! He sounds like a nasty bully.

Do you think he may be having an affair?

He sounds like a complete bastard, frankly, and I am not usually automatically on the side of the women on here because I do think being 100% responsible for keeping the family finances afloat is hard on a man. I read through the thread thinking "you are trying to be perfect wife and mother, he doesn't sound like he's trying to be perfect husband".

Why should you beg and apologise - for what? He is used to being able to bully you and expects you to mend everything. You don't need this.

Please see CAB or a solicitor for free advice on your legal and financial position if you separate.

He sounds horrible .

I don't know what to say... can't he see that you had far too much to cope with?

He doesn't want you to change.

If you were confident and felt like you were coping with your life well then you would be asking a lot more questions about HIS shortcomings than you are right now.

FWIW it sounds like you are coping wonderfully. You have a huge amount on your plate - two sick parents at once! You poor thing. AND three children depending on you, one who needs a bit of extra-special care AND you are doing ALL the running of the household with no help at all from the other adult (which is inexcusable in itself BTW)

Of course you're tired and overwhelmed and some things are not getting done - but that's life when you're a parent (or so I'm discovering )

For a mental exercise, instead of focusing on your failings and his criticisms, think instead of his failings and your criticisms of him. Where does he fall short of being the perfect husband?

Assume that he is the lucky one to have you (sounds like he is BTW) and think about what YOU need out of this marriage and why you're not getting it.

Don't keep letting him set the agenda here. He has you on the back foot because he never stops criticising long enough for you to remember what you're worth (a lot) and gain any perspective on what he's worth (very little in his own opinion, I would imagine).

Then, when you've remembered what you're worth and what you need from him to be able to be happy in your marriage again, THEN think about what you think he's worth - why you love him, why he is a good man, why your life would be poorer without him.

Finally you can explain to him that you have finally changed - not on his terms, but on yours. Tell him that you will no longer accept his constant criticism. Tell him that you are worth a great deal more than he seems to think. Ask him to attend marriage counselling with you because you value your marriage but need things to change in order to be happy.

Then go to marriage counselling. With him if he'll come, without him if he won't.

Wishicouldchange i feel so for you and on your behalf.

i also agree with ivykaty that he has orchestrated this,absolutely he has.

ok.

you are understandably devestated at the moment and in shock, so a good idea may be to have a good soak in the bath,phone a good friend up or chat on here to us.

YOU have done NOTHING wrong,you are trying to be a bloody good mother with a child with SN and an ill dad,you are NOT to blame,keep telling yourself this.

please keep talking to us,we are all here for you.

jen
xx

Oh dear, what a terrible day.

Have found myself nodding in agreement with all of Anna's very sensible posts.

This seems to be very much to do with your dh and little to do with what you do or don't do. The fact that your children's dad has left them is nothing to do with them, and I suspect nothing to with you and everything to do with him.

Jakers, it took so long to post that he'd left you between me pressing send and it showing up.

Agree with georgimama - see CAB, figure out your rights.

Don't even consider letting him tell you what's what. And don't beg him for anything again.

Find out what you're entitled to and just expect to get it.

Don't take any shit from him and don't accept any more criticisms of you.

My advice about refocusing the argument stands - think about your strengths and his failings and try to remember how much you are worth.

You might need some help with that. Would you consider individual counselling?

Wishicouldchange - my heart breaks for you. Please know that this is not all of your fault.

I cannot believe how cruel your H is being. He is blaming you for life not going the way he wants? He should take a long hard, look in the mirror. You are not solely responsible for his life or his unhappiness. Don't you dare take all of that on your shoulders. You sound like a wonderful woman and mother to me. No one is perfection incarnate, least of all your H.

I am going to suggest what I know others will....get legal advice as soon as you can. Do it for you and do it for your children. Also, get as much RL support as you can. Friends, family, anyone. Please do not endure this alone.

I wish you lots of strength.

WishIcouldChange, your DH has orchestrated this because he like to blame you for everything. Frankly, he sounds like an unpleasant bully.

Don't beg for anything from him. Please make an appointment with CAB to find out your rights. Then, I suggest you see your GP as you sound very depressed. I would be depressed if I had been bullied for so long.

Keep posting on MN as there are so many wise women on here.

Oh, and remember this isn't your fault. Now you are rid of this arsehole I bet you, in a few months time, that the old, confident you will be back.

as well as ads, ask for some counselling, I think its great and sounds like you really need someone that you can explain all this too and say how it makes you feel.

you sound like a great mum btw, i have only got one and I find it near impossible to cope, and my house is a total tip.

do you go out to toddler groups, do you have friends that you could perhaps get to know a bit better.

some counselling might help you to overcome some shyness

he is undermining your confidence and upsetting the children so you are better off without him.

you sound very strong,

Wishicouldchange - I'm sorry you're going through this.

However, I am sure that he's not going anywhere. He is playing mind games with you, if you keep on telling him how sorry you are and it's all your fault he will use your hurt and low self esteem to make you feel even worse.

Stop saying you're sorry for things that you know are not your fault. Stop trying to make things better by agreeing that you're to blame - after all this is what you've been doing, and it's not worked has it?

Please realise what he's doing and that he's being abusive. You are not to blame for this, but you must do something before you're dragged down to a point where you cannot think straight.
You know it's not right, or you wouldn't be posting here, and things can change - or rather YOU can change.

And I absolutely do not mean that in the same way that you say you need to change, I mean that you can change the way you respond to his critisisms, do not believe what he says, realise why he is acting like this - he is a bully and you are not to blame - so don't believe him and become upset by it.

You cannot become a 'better' person so that he will be nice to you, it will not matter what you are he will still be this same way he will just find something else to critisise you for.

Now, I don't believe it but I may be wrong so, if he says he is leaving and has it all sorted, well, honestly would that be such a bad thing? I know you don't want your marriageto end, but is this marriage making you happy? Will you be any more miserable if he were not around everyday?

It will give you a chance to recover a little from the constant stress you are under at the moment and you may be able to see things a little more clearly.

However, if his plan is that you leave the house - get advice straight away, don't step one foot out that door!

Good luck and let us know how you're getting on x

Ivegotaheadache's thoughts reflect my own. I would be surprised if his leaving was anything other than an escalation in his campaign of bullying you to make you (and him) believe that all the problems in his life are your fault.

Ivegotaheadache is completely right. I read once that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. You keep apologising and trying to fix things, and "D"H keeps bullying and belittling you. Stop being his doormat and he may change - although hopefully you will shortly come to the conclusion that you don't give a whether he changes or not because you aren't going to put up with him anymore.

Please get RL legal and practical advice. Don't let fear of being alone allow you to tolerate the intolerable.

Do you think he could be having an affair? I've seen a relationship break up and the DH was determined to present it as the inevitable result of all the DW's many failings. Of course when the dust settled he had been shagging someone else.

Your DH just seems so breathtakingly unreasonable. 18 years of hell? He had more than a decade to extricate himself before your DC1 came along if he felt that way.

He's a bully. See the CAB and don't give in to any booty calls. He'll imply they'll make things better but they won't.

You sound like a really lovely, sweet, kind person, but please, get some balls. You've tried the I'm sorries, an I'll change etc, it hasn't worked, it won't work, it's not what he wants, it's part of his pathetic plan. So now, how about what YOU want, what YOU want to change, take back some of the power from him. I agree that he is a bully, bet he's quiet as a mouse at work, but takes out his frustrations on you and your kids. Go to the CAB, they are fab and will help you in any way they can. Please let us know how you get on. Be strong, whether he leaves or not, this is a really abusive situation for you and the kids, please don't let it carry on any longer. Jesus, right on top of Christmas too, speaks volumes.

Blimey.
What an absolute bastard.

To the OP, please prepare yourself for the fact it is highly likely that he is having an affair - I dont mean to rock your world any further but ninedragons is barking up the right tree.

He does seem to have orcastrated all this really weel to get you in the wrong.

I really do hope that you are ok and hope I am not talking out of turn (it is unusual for a man to behave like this and leave without someone else) just want you to be prepared for this possibility.

Come and tell us you are there, he really has treated you badly and made you out to be the villan in this and him the victim - that is not the case.

Can you give yourself a break from him in your head? Get your head around he has gone for a little while to work and keep it together that way, then just tell the dc daddy is away for now (not a lie and not permanent for now)

hmmmm

Wish I...

I went through exactly what you are going through now. My dh critised me in just the way yours has. He started dropping hints and moaning to other people that I didn't iron, cook, clean but most of all that I didn't look after him properly or support him in his business. He blamed everything on me and said he had been unhappy for years. I agreed with him and promised to change and begged him not to go. He left me and the dc's for someone else. He had been having an affair.

They try to turn it all around to being your fault so they can justify their actions and not feel guilty. It was NOT my fault and it is NOT yours.

I know your heart is breaking sweetheart, but think long and hard about where he has been and how he has acted lately, for example does he have his mobile always with him, it is unbearable pain i know but an affair sounds likely to me. Men don't usually leave unless they Think they have something better to go to.

Mine did go but ended up begging to come back as i suspect yours will. If you need to talk i am here. I had tablets off doc at the time and they really helped me.

I will help all i can, i could have written your post 4 years ago, i do feel your pain

xxxxxx